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Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 07/12/2021 13:42

I think TheVanguardSix's advice is bloody brilliant.

I have managed to convince myself I am ghosting the person whose ghosting me in the past, especially if I have to see them. A haughty nose in the air and scrupulously professional messages only. And a sort of insolent, knowing expression like a 15 year old in a boring French lesson if you're forced to make eye contact. How fucking dare he? What a twat. He is irrelevant to you. just a stepping stone shag on the road to divorce recovery (and clearly absolutely shit at his job).

Bookworm20 · 07/12/2021 13:44

@TheVanguardSix

Oh I just understood, he's been in his position for 20 years... is he in his 50s then? How bloody cliche! Quick, summon a parade of flaming Volvo V60s! Grab the mic. The PornHub troubadour is going to make us all swoon with lousy sex and really shitty renditions of Coldplay songs!

You've caught me at a bad time. I fucking hate men right now. Grin Don't worry, it's temporary.

I married the manager I slept with. And what a fucking disaster our relationship was from start to finish, OP. Seriously. Nightmare. I am totally biased, but I'd say meeting some recently divorced, middle-aged, farty arsed bloke with a boatload of shitty habits and kids he'll be prioritising during the day while spending his evenings watching second-rate Sci-fi (is there even a first-rate?) then wanking 'til he's muscle-bound to porn in his sad, shitty WC is the bullet you want to dodge, my lovely. Take it from me!

@TheVanguardSix

This has totally cracked me up. OP definitely needs to dodge that bullet!

JovialNickname · 07/12/2021 13:45

Please please don't text him again, even though you feel angry and used, and want to. Do you really want to hear that he doesn't want you, in actual words? You'll feel just as shitty as you do now, but humiliated by his response on top. Don't do it!

It seems very clear that he is deliberately not sending you any personal texts so that there is no paper trail for you to show anyone.So he absolutely won't reply with anything acknowledging your feelings or acknowledging that you slept together.

It is really shit and I'm sorry for you that this man behaved in such a disappointing and cowardly way. Try to hold your head up, you didn't do anything wrong and you sound lovely. It just wasn't to be this time.

HaveringWavering · 07/12/2021 13:47

If I understand correctly, you went back to his, had sex, then he invited you to stay and you basically had a weekend shagathon type thing? During those several days, how was he when you were not having sex- affectionate, open, chatty or what? Did he cook you meals, suggest movies to watch etc? Presumably you must have had a nice time just hanging out together otherwise you wouldn’t have stayed so long? I can see why this has thrown you- it’s not the same as waking up with a hangover, saying a hasty goodbye and scuttling off red-faced and not knowing what he thinks.

Interestingly, he’s confused in you about the interview. If it is for a job in another company then you now have an important bit of confidential information that he is quite possibly worried you might leak…just saying’.

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 13:51

@HaveringWavering it wasn't a sex only thing. He made me food, kept asking if there was anything I needed. We chatted, watched tv. Talked about our lives. we held each other all night 😔 that's why I don't understand it. I appreciate he may feel there's no connection for a relationship but could he not just tell me? Especially since we have to work together

His job could be anywhere, it could even be in the same area, just higher up - it's like an open application for various roles at that level

OP posts:
Dearblossom · 07/12/2021 13:54

Nooooooo, do not contact him. Be professional and don't let a single conversation or otherwise be any more that utter professionalism from this point forward. When he comes running. Ghost him. Then find a new job.

WomanWithDiamondEarring · 07/12/2021 13:55

OP. He has told you, just not with words.

Stop tormenting yourself.

MaryStuart · 07/12/2021 13:58

Absolutely do not contact him Op.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he does come crawling back with some weaselly excuse after his interview, about needing to focus on that.
But you know what, if he does, remember how shit you’ve been feeling right now.
His behaviour has not been good.

MaryStuart · 07/12/2021 13:59

Love what @TheVanguardSix said! 👍🏻👍🏻🤣🤣🤣

HaveringWavering · 07/12/2021 14:01

[quote whatdoidonow11]@HaveringWavering it wasn't a sex only thing. He made me food, kept asking if there was anything I needed. We chatted, watched tv. Talked about our lives. we held each other all night 😔 that's why I don't understand it. I appreciate he may feel there's no connection for a relationship but could he not just tell me? Especially since we have to work together

His job could be anywhere, it could even be in the same area, just higher up - it's like an open application for various roles at that level [/quote]
So he’s not interviewing to leave to join a completely different company then?

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 14:04

@HaveringWavering no, but at least he'll be in a different area of the company, possibly.. it's all a bit vague. Even he doesn't know

OP posts:
educatingrati · 07/12/2021 14:04

Well from your update it sounds like you both had a good time, I doubt his cooling off is anything to do with you, just his own worries and anxieties, but being a man won't share these, or he could just be a knob-head, either way it's not you. Absolutely no reason why you can't hold your head up high, and carry on.
Sounds like you could work on your self esteem though, try not to over think things and stop being so critical of yourself. Don't agonise over or dissect things to the nth degree, just move on (easier said than done if you are feeling emotional) but don't waste anymore headspace on this or contact him unless it's work related.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 07/12/2021 14:04

@Sunnysideup999

Report him to HR. He’s in a position of power and influence and he has behaved disgracefully
OP clearly says she was aware of what was going on, was up for it, and fancied him. She also hoped it would "go somewhere". If he had called her, and started a relationship you would not be directing her to HR.

HR should not be used like that or for that reason.

He enjoyed the chase, and then decided it was not for him. OP if you like your job then figure out a way to seperate this from your professional life. If you don't like your job - try and move.

MoonWise · 07/12/2021 14:13

OP, it’s could be worse :( A very close friend of mine shagged her older boss for 2 years, while he went through an extremely rough divorce. He kept her at arms length and insisted that no one could know (as it would damage his promotion chances), while she was convinced he was head over heels in love with him. When she insisted that they formalise their relationship (moving in together, marriage etc.), he said he’d only do it if she left the company (she loved that job). She moved to a crappy role in another firm, the next day he dumped her. He’d been using her all along while he went though his divorce and got her out of the way before dumping her. Within a year he’d met someone on bumbled, remarried AND had a child. It’s been 3 years and my friend hasn’t really ever recovered. She was fired from the new job she hated and has been spiralling into destruction ever since.

I was ghosted once. It was a ONS that I didn’t even like that much. It still really hurt! I don’t blame you for feeling sad OP, but your judgment is impaired at the moment. Don’t contact him, or you will look back on this and cringe.

bg92 · 07/12/2021 14:13

Don't report him. Don't text him again. Hold onto your dignity. Begging for an explanation will get you nowhere as he may just come up with excuses

Get on online dating to boost your confidence maybe. Don't hassle him, you'll only end up feeling worse about yourself.

I actually don't think you've been stupid or done anything wrong, these things happen all the time. Act normal around him as he's your manager, or try to. Honestly you'll look back and be thankful you were dignified. I know it isn't easy! I've been pining after my ex and begging for an explanation for years and it's only made me miserable and look desperate.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 07/12/2021 14:14

@whatdoidonow11

I can't help but take it personally. If he was a random I really wouldn't be that bothered. But I hoped my manager would have the decency, I trusted him in a way. I think it would be less awkward if he'd been honest rather than ghost
This is exactly why people in positions of trust should keep things professional, because people are more likely to trust them. Especially if they are vulnerable in some way.

Of course many people don’t keep it professional. But there’s nothing to go to HR with. You both chose to do what you did.

It hurts right now, but you will get over it. Flowers

Maze76 · 07/12/2021 14:20

I know it’s easier said than done, but act like you’re doing the ghosting. Keep any communication strictly about work. It will take time, but you will get over it, each day will be easier. If you start texting and asking to meet him, you will come across as desperate .. and let’s not give him the satisfaction.
You are worth more than he can give..

5128gap · 07/12/2021 14:20

If there was something 'wrong' with you you wouldn't have been there as long as you were. He clearly enjoyed it. Now he's either correctly decided he was being unprofessional, not to mention unethical in using his support of you to worm his way into friendship then sex; or he really is a very cold user. Either way, it's entirely on him. A woman is not stupid for sleeping with a man and then hoping for more.
What now? If you can, try to act like it didn't happen. Treat him as your manager only. If you have any messages from him from before, keep them, against the event he treats you badly at work (in the hope you will leave if he's embarassed to have you around) as you may will them should you need to put in a grievance.

5128gap · 07/12/2021 14:21

You may need them

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 14:23

I stupidly deleted the messages. But could potentially get them back by backing up my phone

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 07/12/2021 14:23

@whatdoidonow11 Love, you sound quite 'young' and inexperienced with men.

Sadly you were a fling.

He's newly divorced. He's not ready for anything. And neither are you until you grow a thicker skin.

Do you not realise that some men can have sex with women and say all the right things/ appear to care, then disappear in a puff of smoke?

If not, you need to wise-up (said kindly.)

You fell for his charm but there was no depth or seriousness to his feelings.

Please stop chasing him with texts and trying to figure out what went wrong.

There is nothing wrong with you. The difference was he was only after a fling and you had stars in your eyes and saw it as more.

If (possibly) you bump into him at work, I'd be inclined to say something like 'Let's forget what happened outside of work and remain colleagues with no hard feelings. It was a mistake on my part to take it further.'

billy1966 · 07/12/2021 14:27

OP,

Do not jeopardise a job over him.

Both of you showed poor judgement but you can move forward.

Keep it strictly professional from now on.
Flowers

Wondergirl100 · 07/12/2021 14:28

Gosh OP don't contact him for an explanation - I think time to pull your 'big girl pants up' as they say on mumsnet. You fancied him, slept with him and behaved as adults are entitled to do! There is no need for any shame or regret. It's cringey yes that you have to see a man who has 'ghosted' you - but that's adult life.

Chin up, look him in the eye, act like you don't give a shit and you will soon begin to feel that way too.

Hont1986 · 07/12/2021 14:31

Why do you need the text messages back? What will they 'prove', other than that a grown man slept with a grown woman at her instigation?

Put this behind you. It was rather naive of you to think this was going to be anything other than a fling, although he could have been nicer about ending it all.

CharlotteRose90 · 07/12/2021 14:31

It was a weekend of fun for both of you not the start of a relationship. He’s done nothing wrong and neither have you. Sadly it’s the way these things go after something like that you both cut contact normally. Please don’t text him as it makes you look desperate and you certainly aren’t. You’re just on opposite sides that’s all you wanted it to go further he didn’t. Keep it strictly work related and if any conversations are needed do it by email and delete his number.