Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

Well he's a bloke behaving in a very bloke-ish way.
A nice young woman who just started working with him is having a hard time, he provides a shoulder to cry on. She's very nice company. She takes a great interest in him as well.
She asks him out for a drink. She is keen. He is a people pleaser to people's faces so goes along with it. She's very nice company and she wants to sleep with him.
After the event he realises that the work situation is dodgy, he's slept with an employee who has been off sick with stress, he might have kids to provide for.
Of course he shouldn't have taken up your offer of the twosome drink but he did.
For now you'll have to suck it up.
You'll get past this if you put your mind to it.
If it was me, I might text at some point and say 'I suggest we draw a line in the sand re recent events. It was what it was and now it is over. I will not refer to this matter again. Just letting you know that's where I am with it'.
You could go to counselling as well to discuss this. You were in the throes of ending one relationship and during that time 'fell in love' with the first bloke that showed you any concern. Yes you were hurting and desparate for love, maybe desparate for a man to look after you.
So you may be in love with that idea more than the man himself....if you get me.

He's behaved really unprofessionally. It would be bad enough for someone just in a more senior position to sleep with a junior colleague but given OP has previously confided in him about her personal/ emotional issues in his professional capacity I find that quite distasteful, .

"He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life."*

It's that that makes me think he took advantage.

That said, if you want to stay in the job, then contact re work only & polite hello when you see him.

What a horrible person he is, OP.

Don't contact him again AT ALL for anything other than essential work issues. Be civil and respectful when you see him but otherwise be completely cold. If he messages you, ignore. Do not respond.

You are having a tough time right now, but things will get easier. Hold your head high and just get on with your job. If anyone should be ashamed of themselves, it's him.

Why are you so upset/angry?

You instigated it, you had a nice time and now he doesn't want to go any further with it. It happens every day.

Is it because he didn't tell you to your face that he didn't want to go any further and you want him to do so? If so, well he behaved badly but do you really want him to sit down and tell you something you may not want to hear?

Is it because you say he in his in fifties and should have known better? Well, you are 39 and also should have known better than to instigate a sexual encounter with your boss.

You say you want to find out if he has done this before? Well, what if he has. You can't portray yourself as some innocent abroad at your age and when you chased him in the first place.

Are you disappointed it didn't go further? perfectly understandable but it happens all the time. Did you think a sexual encounter would lead to a life together?

You chased him, you had sex with with him, you enjoyed it at the time. You don't enjoy the way he has ghosted you and nor would anyone.

Stop with the texts. You will make it all worse. You are two adults, well well over the age of consent who had a brief sexual fling that hopefully you both enjoyed. Focus on that and if you can't handle casual sexual encounters, don't do any more of them.

You enjoyed the experience itself now move on.

@whatdoidonow11

I wouldn't dream of contacting HR. I like my job and want to stay. I think that by making it clear I want to stay, I'm doing myself a favour and showing that im not letting this get to me. I can't really go any higher in my role but equally I do not want to take a pay cut. Talking about it has helped. I almost told a colleague at work but quickly realised I cannot do that.

@Brainwave89 would you mind telling me how you got over it? Did you try and contact him or just leave it? Was it awkward for a long time at work?

Don't know how @Brainwave89 did it but I, many moons ago, just smiled, made a determined effort to see it as a recreational night out that was fun but no more. Divorced that night and him from any and all emotions I was in danger of investing in it and moved on... basically, as a good male friend said at the time, I chose to react to it like a man.

Do nothing. Say less. Stay outwardly calm and happy.

Then fake it until it becomes how you truly see the experience. Which might only take a few days, you never know!

I feel like there's something wrong with me

Nowt wrong with you. A lot of people are just dicks. They get their thrill and then realise they don't want the bells and whistles of the relationship that might come as a result of that thrill! He'll have a million excuses, none of them have anything to do with you. It's all him.

@TheRigatonini

He is a dickhead. When OP sent her perfectly nice and normal messages he should have replied saying 'I had a nice time too but maybe we shouldn't take it any further given we work together'

Exactly

This! What now? If Ghosting is all he does then Ghost him as much as you possibly can. Grey Rock. Move on as if it had never happened. There's nothing wrong with you, he wanted sex and could see that you were vulnerable and that was all. He did a stupid selfish thing, sleeping with an employee and then acted like a git, showing exactly how selfish and small minded and ego boosting he is. Its good that this ended as quickly as it did and that you didn't get even more drawn in and hurt. Hopefully he will get his big important job and move on and you can keep your job and move on without having to see him again. If he starts trying to oust you, then keep records and get legal advice. This is probably not the first time he's behaved like this and he's definitely no catch! I hate the phrase you've dodged a bullet but you have.

Be kind to yourself, there's no point thinking what's wrong with me. Nothing was wrong with you except you were understandably feeling vulnerable and he took advantage of that. Is there anyone you can talk to about this. You won't feel like this forever.
It wasn't a great thing to have happened but it happened. Try to find new interests and new people to fill your time so that you can move on from this and not get caught in the same way again.

[quote whatdoidonow11]@TooBigForMyBoots an explanation as to why he slept with me and dropped me, and what I should do now, any conversation about moving departments or leaving will have to go via him. But yes, I understand what you mean. There's nothing to say. He doesn't owe me anything. But he's 50 and should know better [/quote]
The explanation is almost certainly going to be that he realised that it was an utterly stupid thing to have done and had to stop there and then, and he was too immature/scared to explain that at the time. Will being told that make you feel any better?

Appreciate why you want closure but he has given you an answer - the ghosting, horrible and immature as it is, is an answer. He’s shown you who he is.

With any sort of luck he will get the job he’s interviewing for and you will be able to get some distance from him and move through your feelings of hurt and rejection.

Don’t lose money over it - just school yourself to think of it as a mistake you won’t repeat.

You had sex. Given your work relationship he may simply be embarrassed and think he's overstepped the mark. Nothing wrong with having a relationship with your manager if that's what you want. Try and talk to him and see if he is simply embarrassed, of course he might have decided that the relationship wasn't right for him, you'll find lots of entries here where someone had said they had sex with a new bf and it didn't work for them so they were moving on.

Hi OP, I haven't read the full thread but I just wanted to say, this kind of thing is incredibly common and although it feels crap of course, it's not your fault that he didn't turn out to be a decent guy.

The best thing to do at work is pretend very hard that it never happened. ABSOLUTELY 10000% do not leave for a lower paid job over this muppet!!!

You had sex with a man you fancied. It doesn't matter that he's your manager really if you can both still act professionally.

Stop messaging him.

If he's having interviews he'll be gone soon anyway.

@TooBigForMyBoots

You should do what he has done: accept it was a mistake, forget about it and keep your professional life professional.

You and he had consensual sex. You are not his victim.

I can’t see it as anything other than that. No promises were made and they are not in a relationship.

Two consenting adults who had sex. One wanted more and the other didn’t. That’s allowed professional to professional in this country.

Please don't listen to the people telling you to talk to him OP. You've tried that. He's ignored you and made it clear he is going to act like nothing happened. He's not "embarrassed" or shy, he's just a dick who used you and dumped you. He's not special and he doesn't deserve any of your attention.

Let it go. Hold your head high and act like nothing ever happened.

Oh I just understood, he's been in his position for 20 years... is he in his 50s then? How bloody cliche! Quick, summon a parade of flaming Volvo V60s! Grab the mic. The PornHub troubadour is going to make us all swoon with lousy sex and really shitty renditions of Coldplay songs!

You've caught me at a bad time. I fucking hate men right now. Don't worry, it's temporary.

I married the manager I slept with. And what a fucking disaster our relationship was from start to finish, OP. Seriously. Nightmare. I am totally biased, but I'd say meeting some recently divorced, middle-aged, farty arsed bloke with a boatload of shitty habits and kids he'll be prioritising during the day while spending his evenings watching second-rate Sci-fi (is there even a first-rate?) then wanking 'til he's muscle-bound to porn in his sad, shitty WC is the bullet you want to dodge, my lovely. Take it from me!

OP, only time will tell if the timing was fortunate or unfortunate.

In lots of organisations, interview preparation requires applicants to confirm that they live and breathe the corporate values 24/7. They might even stress the inappropriateness of relationships between staff of different grades.

Plenty of people are up for a quick fling, fewer invite people into their home. Don't beat yourself up, unless there is a specific instance of intolerable awkwardness at work, I can't see why you should give up your job.

The intimacy seems to have lost you a confidante, which is painful. Look forward, there's a whole new year on the horizon. Be lucky.

[quote whatdoidonow11]@Sarahlou63 I sent a text in my way home saying I had a nice time which he respond to that evening, just telling me he was busy (not that he'd also had a nice time) I sent him a good morning text the next day and he didn't respond [/quote]
That's pretty brutal on his part 😬 I'm sorry your going through this. If it were me I wouldn't contact him again unless absolutely necessary for work. Don't be overly friendly to him, there's a chance he may come back for another quick shag at some point and you DEFINITELY do not want to make yourself available to him, EVER.

Men usually want fun and women usually want more...this happens a lot. Men also get scared away easily if you mention relationship stuff too early. Maybe he would have continued if you did not make that comment. Or maybe he still would not have. I would just take this as a lesson learned....do not jump into something with someone from work....unless you are ready for the consequences. Just be professional with him and move on. There are other fish in the sea.

@TheVanguardSix thank you for cheering me up a bit 😂

[quote whatdoidonow11]@Sarahlou63 I sent a text in my way home saying I had a nice time which he respond to that evening, just telling me he was busy (not that he'd also had a nice time) I sent him a good morning text the next day and he didn't respond [/quote]
What he is doing here is making sure he only references ‘professional things’ in his texts. If you’ve deleted the original texts I don’t think you have anything in writing will you?
You were a bit daft getting involved with your manager but move on now, remain professional and never mention it again!

I wish I knew what I could do to feel less lonely. I just feel so down and alone, with an added layer of confusion and hurt. I don't keep in touch with family and I have few friends

I too think he completely took advantage of you. I know you're a grown woman, BUT he is your manager, 50 years old and should have known better.

Think about it.
You were in a vulnerable place early part of the year.
He kept in contact with you and became a trusted confident.
Someone you felt comfortable in confiding in.
He was nice to you when you were at a very low point in your life.
He was comforting you when you likely most needed that comfort.
He made you feel safe, I imagine.
I am not at all surprised feelings developed for him.

You went out for drinks. he agreed to go for drinks and knew you fancied him. HE should have put a kind but firm stop to it right there.
Because he is your manager for one and because he knew you had had a really tough time mentally recently.
He instead invited you to his house for 2 days where inevitably you had sex.
Then he tells you he is putting you to one side and proceeds to ignore you.

He is being a complete dick. I don't care if hes panicking, knowing he should not have gone that far with you. He should have responded nicely to your good morning text and if he didn't want to see you further should have called or met up with you to discuss it, like a normal, decent human being.

I honestly don't know what you should do, I really feel for you. This is someone you trusted, not a random off the street ONS. And he knew you trusted and confided in him.

I think ignoring him is the only thing you can do at the moment. Hard as it is. And think that perhaps you are lucky you didn't get further involved with him. He is not a decent man, OP.

No promises were made, it just seems like a fling, you want more, he obviously doesn’t. He’s allowed not to want to have a relationship with you, there was no dating and he doesn’t really owe you an explanation, if he doesn’t want to take it further he doesn’t want to, of course he should probably respond to your texts to tell you he isn’t interested so it’s a rather dick thing to do but just move on OP, best thing you can do. Don’t chase after someone who doesn’t want to be chased.

OP, read He's Just Not That Into You. I don't mean it nastily, I genuinely found it very helpful when I was single years ago.