Not ready to part from baby - am I being unreasonable??

[Mbarts89]

My baby is 16 days old and although my partner wants to take him out without me, I don’t feel ready to be separated from him yet. It’s causing a lot of friction. I feel forced to part from baby, partner feels like I’m criticising his parenting skills. Am I being unreasonable? How long did it take you to part from baby?

I don’t think it unreasonable for a father to be alone with their newborn. What are your fears? If you are breastfeeding, he won’t be gone long and you could use the time to sleep, shower etc. Win, win.

Your baby has two parents and both should have the opportunity to bond.

It sounds like DH is not being very respectful. Early postnatal hormones are very strong, anxiety in that period is very real, he shouldn't be trying to bulldoze you into anything you're not ready for.

It's really hard to parent with someone and work out how to reconcile it when you have different ideas about something, but right now you're the one with the body that just gave birth and the huge waves of hormones that comes with it, so you call the shots.

It might be a step towards it if you go out together, he has the baby in a carrier, see how it feels.

Congratulations on your baby.

@folkyfoxface
Controlling, much?!
The first time you've 'allowed' this? Your partner must have the patience of a Saint.
I want to know when becoming a mum meant you became a martyr, prenending to be putting your son's needs first (as you have emphasised twice in you short post) when really it's all about you.
How will you son learn to 'manage without you' if you are permanently glued to him?
Honestly, I read posts like yours and I feel sorry for the partners, who must wonder what on earth they have got themselves into.

@FolkyFoxFace

If you're not comfortable, don't let him do it. Baby is so small, it's only the start of the fourth trimester! It would have been distressing for my son, let alone me at that age...I couldn't even go for a wee!

DS is 9 months now, next week I'm getting a haircut, facial, and massage. Three hours. DH is coming into town with me, and will take DS for a potter. It's the first time I've allowed this. I'm not feeling great about it, I'll feel weird, but I can manage and more importantly I think DS can. If I get a call that he just wants me, he'll get me!

Oh wow! Jesus, the first time! Fml.

Not controlling at all. When my husband can shove a baby out of his dick and lactate he can go ahead. As it stands, he can't. Don't get the problem, my DH has never asked - we do things together. If he did ask I'd have said no, but it's never come up and he doesn't know how I feel about it.

My son is EBF. Still feeds like a newborn. I don't see why I should separate myself from him for no good reason. 😂 Especially if we're all happy this way.

Personally I find it weirder that women want to hand their babies over! But I won't say anything because that makes me as bad as you. 😁

And I'm a SAHM, why does he need to learn to be without me? Attachment/gentle parenting breeds independence. You should read some Sarah Ockwell-Smith.

I run a homeschool group in my village. This is how we all do things. Not one of those kiddies are behind, or overly dependent on their mums. It's a bit sad really how you can't think outside the box a tad.

@FolkyFoxFace, well as you are so sure you know it all (with your one 9 month old baby), crack on.

[quote Katyppp]@FolkyFoxFace, well as you are so sure you know it all (with your one 9 month old baby), crack on.[/quote]
Well after 9 months I'm perfectly happy, so I will. 😂 If I was saying this at 3 months I'd understand, but so far we've had all of the sleep "regressions", CMPA, reflux, seven teeth, crawling, walking, biting, and I still can't say I feel the need to pass him over to his Dad. I'm looking forward to getting my spa afternoon but not as respite from him. I certainly don't have an easy baby.

I personally don't get why you'd want to have a baby and then not spend as much time with them as possible. Surely that's the objective? But I don't go around laughing at people who behave like that. It's their decision. But it seems my own decisions are laughable to you, so in my opinion I feel a bit sad that you don't feel the same. It's so beautiful. Ah well!

In a few years you'll be posting an AIBU that your DH doesn't look after his own children - at the weekends he goes off with his mates etc leaving you to do all the childcare !
Of course you don't want to be distressed (or the baby) but I would 'let' my DH have an hour or so here and there.
I remember when DD was born and the in laws descended on day 5 to stay and they used to take her out (with DH and DS) 'sadly' no space in the car for me! I treasured those naps / time to sort myself or the house out!

[quote Katyppp]@folkyfoxface
Controlling, much?!
The first time you've 'allowed' this? Your partner must have the patience of a Saint.
I want to know when becoming a mum meant you became a martyr, prenending to be putting your son's needs first (as you have emphasised twice in you short post) when really it's all about you.
How will you son learn to 'manage without you' if you are permanently glued to him?
Honestly, I read posts like yours and I feel sorry for the partners, who must wonder what on earth they have got themselves into.[/quote]
Well, I 'honestly' read posts like yours and wonder why you despise your fellow women so much.

I didn't 'allow' anyone to part me from ds until I was comfortable with it. I think ds was 5mo and my dbro took him out to the park with his dd. I was still anxious and couldn't wait for them to return. Of course, all was well. However, he would never have forced me to allow him to take him, dh never did, in fact no one ever did. Because they respected how I felt. DH and ds still have an amazing bond, and 6 years on, ds quite happily manages without me for days at a time. It's not about being mummy martyr at all, it WAS about what I was happy with though, no doubt all about how I felt. Which my whole family understood. Shame you don't get that. Especially when the OP is 16 DAYS pp.

@FolkyFoxFace

Not controlling at all. When my husband can shove a baby out of his dick and lactate he can go ahead. As it stands, he can't. Don't get the problem, my DH has never asked - we do things together. If he did ask I'd have said no, but it's never come up and he doesn't know how I feel about it.

My son is EBF. Still feeds like a newborn. I don't see why I should separate myself from him for no good reason. 😂 Especially if we're all happy this way.

Personally I find it weirder that women want to hand their babies over! But I won't say anything because that makes me as bad as you. 😁

All of this 👏👏

@mumofEandE

In a few years you'll be posting an AIBU that your DH doesn't look after his own children - at the weekends he goes off with his mates etc leaving you to do all the childcare ! Of course you don't want to be distressed (or the baby) but I would 'let' my DH have an hour or so here and there. I remember when DD was born and the in laws descended on day 5 to stay and they used to take her out (with DH and DS) 'sadly' no space in the car for me! I treasured those naps / time to sort myself or the house out!

No, because my DH doesn't bugger off with his mates now either. He's 100% present. He doesn't go off with his mates, he'd rather spend time with us, as he did before we even had a baby. When we meet with friends, which we've done plenty of, we do together. He does every nappy overnight. Always has done. I didn't have to ask.

And I've never needed naps as I bedshare. I get plenty of rest.

As I've said, my son is EBF. I would never dream of separating him from his main comfort. It's not fair. An hour in the bath and I hear him get upset. An extra 30 mins and he's inconsolable. Yes I could leave DH to find a new way to console him, but why? It works. Crying stops immediately, we're all happy.

@shmithecat2 It's so nice to hear some sense! Glad I'm not the only one. It's really sad to see the OP bombarded by some of these posts. They just seem so cold and unconcerned about her own mental health.

It's really amusing sometimes on MN this topics like this. So many of these opinions of "hand the baby to DH or he'll never help!", I'm sure come from people who must have useless husband's who they have to fight to take an interest in their children. It must be so unbelievable to them that some women have respectful, present husbands, and want to just spent time with their own children. 😂 Wanting to escape your own children only seems to happen in MN land.

I was barely out of hospital at this stage!

No way would I have coped with a separation (traumatic birth dd very poorly in scbu at first)

It is your decision. You are mum you are the one this will affect the most I think.

Why is he pushing this?

A truly understanding and supportive partner and father would understand this is still very early days

Are you bf? If so to establish it well you need as much bodily contact with the baby as possible and to be able to feed as often as possible

He doesn't need to distress mum and possibly baby by separating them to build a bond! He can do plenty to bond with baby with mum present

and show him off to people

What people?! Not to mention exposing a newborn during a pandemic! Wtf

This makes me wonder if there is a particular person you don't want baby seeing and he does?

Pestering you multiple times daily is not on! He needs to back the hell off!

Is it that he wants to take the baby out without you when you'd be happy and able to go out too, or is it that he's taking the baby out to give you a bit of time to do other things?

is it that he's taking the baby out to give you a bit of time to do other things?

Wouldn't it be rather controlling if the OP didn't want her baby taken out for that purpose?

What kind of man would push to take their newborn out if they know it is going to cause the mother of their child distress?

Its well known that many mums can't stand being away from their newborns- it is natural. It is not about a lack of trust, or control, it is painful for some mums to not have their baby near them. Taking them out of the house is different to the baby being in the house with dad whilst she is sleeping. She is near baby and can go to him if needed.

He can bond with the baby in the home can't he? Going for a walk when the baby will be asleep in the pram is not some amazing bonding experience I am sure.

Men all over have bonded with their children without separating them from their mother at 16 days old. I would wonder why he is so desperate to take baby out, knowing his partner will be very distressed. Very odd and unloving.

I find this all really odd. It’s not normal or biologically correct to separate a mother and a newborn. Every time the baby feeds hormones are released. It’s a chemical reaction. It’s natural. Why is he so desperate? He needs to calm down. He sounds controlling.

@NoKandoo

Tell him to F off. If I was treated this way after birth I'd probably be threatening divorce

@ironorchids You'd really do that? What would you think if the baby's dad were telling the OP to fuck off and threatening divorce for not "letting" him take the baby for a walk? Let me guess: divorce the bastard.

Men absolutely can't win on here (and I had an abusive husband, so am no stranger to properly shitty behaviour - but women on MN are far too quick to suggest "tell him to fuck off" and "divorce him" for things that could be resolved by a bit of conversation and willingness to listen on both sides).

Yes I would.

If the person I married treated a newly postpartum person this way it would be an eye opener and a mistake I'd accidentally made in choosing to marry them without releasing this is how they treat their partner who's just given birth.

It really would be grounds for a major argument, and not stopping pestering me after just 16 days? Yes. I'd question the relationship. Disagreeing on what to do postpartum would warrant a discussion. Trying to pressure me away from my newborn so they could show off to people would warrant an argument, but pressuring me to do it multiple times a day would warrant a re-evaluation of the relationship.

This is not a loving way for him to treat her. It's a crazy selfish, frankly nasty way to treat a woman he's supposed to love. It would make me question the whole thing and yes I would be honest with DH that it did that.

@ironorchids

Bit extreme to be honest. OP can be apsrt from baby whsb she is napping for an hour whilst her husband looks after the baby so quite simply the compromise is clear id be happier if you take the baby for a walk when I'm napping.

How can a sleeping mother be distressed then?

There is a simple solution to keep both happy but op doesn't want to do it clearly. That in itself makes her quite controlling and selfish in that respect. Its their baby not hers.

There is a simple solution to keep both happy but op doesn't want to do it clearly. That in itself makes her quite controlling and selfish in that respect.

OP's partner is upsetting her and badgering her and failing to respect her feelings. Why isn't he proud of her for going through pregnancy and childbirth and wanting to care for her and help her just to being a mother?

At best he is immature and inconsiderate. At worst he is coercive and controlling.

Such a shame to see so many posters prioritising the men and dismissing the feelings of a new mother.

*helping her adjust