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Original poster

Not ready to part from baby - am I being unreasonable??

223 replies

Mbarts89 · 03/12/2021 17:42

My baby is 16 days old and although my partner wants to take him out without me, I don’t feel ready to be separated from him yet. It’s causing a lot of friction. I feel forced to part from baby, partner feels like I’m criticising his parenting skills. Am I being unreasonable? How long did it take you to part from baby?

OP posts:
LettertoHermoine · 03/12/2021 21:02

@Mbarts89

Thanks for the comments. So DH has looked after DS at home when I nap/shower etc, but now he’s piling on the pressure asking me a couple times a day to take the baby out for a walk alone and show him off to people. I totally get that he wants to bond alone with the baby but that feels like a very separate issue to my need to stay near DS. I told him I’m not ready to be parted yet, we’ve argued about it and now I just feel broken and that I’ll just let DH take baby to stop the constant pressure, despite not feeling ready yet…

I was hoping to find some information online about mother’s need to stay near baby so I could share with DH , has anyone read anything about it?

There should be no problem with a father brining their baby for a quick walk. Like it's 30 mins? YABU.
Piggyk2 · 03/12/2021 21:13

Can you agree to maybe 1 hour OP?

Isitsixoclockalready · 03/12/2021 21:29

I don't think that it's that crazy. Yes, of course the mother has a natural bond with the baby but there's nothing odd about him wanting to form a bond too.

saraclara · 03/12/2021 21:32

For goodness sake, at least let him take the baby out for ten minutes. Then build up if it goes okay.

Your DC has two parents, and the sooner her dad feels confident in being alone with her the better it will be for all of you.

He might not be as important as you right now, but that doesn't mean h's entirely unimportant and that his wishes should be completely ignored. He's getting used to fatherhood.

LiJo2015 · 03/12/2021 21:33

@Mbarts89

Look up the fourth trimester. It is completely natural do you to want to be with your baby all the time. It may help for your partner to read this too.

TwoPaperAirplanes · 03/12/2021 21:36

Baby has 2 parents. Yes.

Baby also has a parent that's extremely anxious to let them out of her sight. That overrides the other parent's want to parade the baby around like a trophy.

Your partner needs to be mindful of your mh, as you do his, but unless he's going to suffer some form of separation anxiety if you take baby out without him then I don't see why he's pushing it.

Yes, both are parents. But mum is going through some feelings right now and unless dad is feeling the same (in which case you need to find a compromise) then she comes first.

Secretdancers · 03/12/2021 21:41

Op, why can't you go with? Does he have to go alone? Just say babies at this age are too vulnerable as their immune system is not functioning properly yet, and the baby is not ready. Back it up with Google if you must. There's a pandemic going on!
Besides, if a little baby gets a cold, it's really hard for them to breathe through their tiny blocked nostrils. And viruses like herpes (from someone kissing baby) can actually be fatal to newborns.. And omicron?

LettertoHermoine · 03/12/2021 21:43

@Secretdancers

Op, why can't you go with? Does he have to go alone? Just say babies at this age are too vulnerable as their immune system is not functioning properly yet, and the baby is not ready. Back it up with Google if you must. There's a pandemic going on! Besides, if a little baby gets a cold, it's really hard for them to breathe through their tiny blocked nostrils. And viruses like herpes (from someone kissing baby) can actually be fatal to newborns.. And omicron?
Jesus Christ! He is bring the baby for a walk ALONE, not a bloody festival!
ShowOfHands · 03/12/2021 21:44

When I had my first, at 16 days pp, I was still viscerally needing to be near my baby. I was still bleeding, establishing bfing and traumatised from birth. DH demonstrated what a decent father he was by helping in any way he could, changing nappies, bathing DD, singing and dancing with her, cooking food, cleaning, washing nappies and on and on. He didn't interfere with my natural and powerful instincts by insisting upon taking DD where I couldn't reassure myself she was fed and safe.

The bottom line is that I couldn't be away from her. It was like a physical pain and extremely distressing. I'm pretty sure not going out solo with the baby isn't causing anything like that level of distress for the op's partner.

Eleganz · 03/12/2021 22:00

I'm guessing this is your first, OP?

You do you, at 16 days it is understandable how you feel.

However, try and think about how you and your partner are going to work together to parent your son. Google "maternal gatekeeping" and try and make sure you don't fall into that trap as it will come back to bite you later.

Gotlogs20 · 03/12/2021 22:16

YABU but probably won’t see that for a few months until you’ve settled into a routine. Just remember he’s only wanting to take baby out for a walk….I think he’s bound to be upset if you don’t allow this and it’s important for him to bond with the baby as well. It’s his child he’s not going to let any harm come to him.

Mama234567 · 03/12/2021 22:24

He might be offended/hurt that you won't allow him to take baby out alone. Maybe you could explain the situation to your Health Visitor and she could help you and your husband understand how normal it is for new mums to feel this way? It might help if he knows its not personal against him..... but he needs to stop. You don't deserve to be stressed out about this with a newborn baby. He should be taking care of you not adding to your stress!

WTF475878237NC · 03/12/2021 22:29

No loving partner should pile pressure onto a new mother who has been through a major physical and emotional rollercoaster two weeks ago. He should be supporting you and can bond with the baby by doing lots of hands on care at home. Showing him off isn't going to benefit the baby.

Flittingaboutagain · 03/12/2021 22:31

Tell him all about the research of the fourth trimester. Babies need as much skin to skin contact with their safe place as possible. At this tiny age that's you and your home. Your smell and heartbeat is the baby's heaven.

GrrrlPwr · 03/12/2021 22:38

Absolutely not unreasonable!
Sounds like a ridiculous idea!

All the dad bonding stuff is a load of crap for a baby you still measure in days old! The baby only knows mummy, has zero concept of even being separate from her at 2 weeks old. It's called a dyad, as they are inseparable.

He needs to listen to you and respect your opinion. Baby stays with you til you are ready for a little time apart. End of. This is normal. He is not being reasonable.

KathyWilliams · 03/12/2021 22:43

Men/dads can't win on here. Either they are crap parents because they won't give the mother a minute off, or they're crap parents because they want to take the baby away for an hour.

OP, your baby will come to no harm from being shown off by his dad for an hour.

EberhardtSmallcock · 03/12/2021 22:45

@Secretdancers

Op, why can't you go with? Does he have to go alone? Just say babies at this age are too vulnerable as their immune system is not functioning properly yet, and the baby is not ready. Back it up with Google if you must. There's a pandemic going on! Besides, if a little baby gets a cold, it's really hard for them to breathe through their tiny blocked nostrils. And viruses like herpes (from someone kissing baby) can actually be fatal to newborns.. And omicron?
Oh FGS. Perish the thought that a baby might catch a cold.

Covid has given licence to all kinds of batshit ideas.

BreatheAndFocus · 03/12/2021 22:51

YADNBU - yours is a natural feeling and I doubt your baby wants to be away from you either. Your DP sounds jealous and selfish IMO. How insensitive is he that he can’t see the effect this would have on you and baby?

It’s not even as though he’s eager to help with childcare. It sounds like he wants to parade about and show off baby. The fact he’s pressuring you is disgusting. Don’t give in. You don’t need to show him reams of research. The 4th trimester is a known thing. It doesn’t mean baby won’t love him, just that in the early months baby needs mum.

If he’s really bullying you, I’d speak to someone. I can’t imagine how or why he’d do this. It’s not about being a good father or bonding. It’s about jealousy and controlling.

Houseplantmad · 03/12/2021 23:00

YABU. DH took DS out in the Baby Bjorn on day 2. They went on the tube to the local shopping centre, got a few essentials and pressies for me and came home 1.5 hours later. I don’t see the issue as it was equally important for DH to bond with his new baby, especially as he wouldn’t have the bonding breastfeeding times like I did.

saraclara · 03/12/2021 23:09

@KathyWilliams

Men/dads can't win on here. Either they are crap parents because they won't give the mother a minute off, or they're crap parents because they want to take the baby away for an hour.

OP, your baby will come to no harm from being shown off by his dad for an hour.

That. Some people on here seem to think that the baby shouldn't be away from its mother for as much as a minute for the first three months.

Presumably the same people then moan during month four, that the fathers that they've not allowed to become confident in caring for the child have given up, stepped back and don't do anything at all.

Serioulsy though, OP, you're BOTH new to this. BOTH coming to terms with new parenthood, and BOTH learning how to care for the baby. And yes, you're not letting your DH in at the moment.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/12/2021 23:14

Where does he want to take your baby to in the freezing cold??

Good point. There are no babies who survive the winter in Canada, or Russia or Iceland, or the US MidWest, or Norway, or Finland....

Poppinjay · 03/12/2021 23:16

Some mothers have a deep and overwhelming need to be close to their babies. It's a basic survival instinct and it's cruel to insist on separating them.

Fathers can bond with and care for their babies without taking them away from their mothers. Like grandparents, there is no need for them to take the baby out of the house to get to know them.

Some mothers don't have an overwhelming urge to keep their baby close. If they're happy for fathers and grandparents to take the baby out, that's great but that doesn't mean it's OK to force that on a mother who isn't.

OP, stick to your guns. It's perfectly reasonable for you to insist that your baby stays close for now. In time it will feel OK and then your DH can take him out and you will all benefit.

sunnyzweibrucken · 03/12/2021 23:18

@KathyWilliams I totally agree. So strange that the father can't take his baby or a 30 min or an hour walk. I was a single parent and I would've LOVED to have had my DD's father there to take her for an hour which would've given me time to do other things. I think it would be a good time to also give the baby and DH time to bond and get out of the house.

Yololollipop · 03/12/2021 23:23

OP, stop being extra

Shmithecat2 · 03/12/2021 23:27

@Houseplantmad

YABU. DH took DS out in the Baby Bjorn on day 2. They went on the tube to the local shopping centre, got a few essentials and pressies for me and came home 1.5 hours later. I don’t see the issue as it was equally important for DH to bond with his new baby, especially as he wouldn’t have the bonding breastfeeding times like I did.
Why does he have to take the baby out of the house and away from a clearly distressed mother to 'bond'? It's such bullshit. My dh never insisted on that. Ds was ebf, so dh didn't do feeds, or night time wakings. He didn't even live on the same continent for a 18mo of ds' life - and guess what? They still bonded. Without bullying me into something I didn't want to do when ds was less than 3 weeks old.Confused

The father can wind the baby after feeding, nappy changes, settling to sleep, bath time, all sorts of things that don't upset a new mother at the same time.