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Original poster

Not ready to part from baby - am I being unreasonable??

223 replies

Mbarts89 · 03/12/2021 17:42

My baby is 16 days old and although my partner wants to take him out without me, I don’t feel ready to be separated from him yet. It’s causing a lot of friction. I feel forced to part from baby, partner feels like I’m criticising his parenting skills. Am I being unreasonable? How long did it take you to part from baby?

OP posts:
AliasGrape · 03/12/2021 23:52

The father can wind the baby after feeding, nappy changes, settling to sleep, bath time, all sorts of things that don't upset a new mother at the same time

No no no don’t be silly, the ONLY way a father can bond with their child is out of the house, without the mother, pushing them round and ‘showing them off’. And if they are not allowed to do this a mere 16 days after birth then they are never ever going to be involved parents, they will never do their share or be able to take the baby out on their own later when the mum has recovered and hormones and emotions have settled a little bit - and it will be the mum’s own fault for having trying to follow her perfectly normal instincts to be near her tiny tiny baby, and all the posters of mumsnet will roll their eyes and say I told you so.

There’s some kind of ‘cool mum’ thing going on here with people competing about just how fine they were about their newborns being away from them. And it is totally and absolutely fine if they felt like that, more power to them. But the first few weeks post partum are a crazy time with all sorts of emotional and physical weirdness going on and for many part of that is a lot of anxiety and a primal, overriding urge to have their baby near them. It might last 16 days or 16 weeks but at some point it calms down. It doesn’t mean the mother is ‘gatekeeping’ or that she’s never going to allow the father to take the kid to the park or whatever. I was pretty extreme in my wanting DD near me for quite a few months - she’s a toddler now and has had plenty of 1-1 time with her dad, whole days/ nights even. I’m sorry to disappoint posters who feel it would have somehow been my just deserts if DH had gone off in a fit of pique at my postnatal clinginess and never bothered with his daughter again, but he’s just not that much of a twat luckily. Hopefully OP’s husband won’t be either, despite all your gleeful concerned warnings about how she’s going to be posting in the future about having no help and it will all be her own fault.

amsadandconfused · 03/12/2021 23:58

My children as newborns were taken out for walks etc by their father. It never occurred to me that it wasn’t ok . I just wanted sleep…think that is a reasonable expectation.

Shmithecat2 · 04/12/2021 00:38

@AliasGrape

The father can wind the baby after feeding, nappy changes, settling to sleep, bath time, all sorts of things that don't upset a new mother at the same time

No no no don’t be silly, the ONLY way a father can bond with their child is out of the house, without the mother, pushing them round and ‘showing them off’. And if they are not allowed to do this a mere 16 days after birth then they are never ever going to be involved parents, they will never do their share or be able to take the baby out on their own later when the mum has recovered and hormones and emotions have settled a little bit - and it will be the mum’s own fault for having trying to follow her perfectly normal instincts to be near her tiny tiny baby, and all the posters of mumsnet will roll their eyes and say I told you so.

There’s some kind of ‘cool mum’ thing going on here with people competing about just how fine they were about their newborns being away from them. And it is totally and absolutely fine if they felt like that, more power to them. But the first few weeks post partum are a crazy time with all sorts of emotional and physical weirdness going on and for many part of that is a lot of anxiety and a primal, overriding urge to have their baby near them. It might last 16 days or 16 weeks but at some point it calms down. It doesn’t mean the mother is ‘gatekeeping’ or that she’s never going to allow the father to take the kid to the park or whatever. I was pretty extreme in my wanting DD near me for quite a few months - she’s a toddler now and has had plenty of 1-1 time with her dad, whole days/ nights even. I’m sorry to disappoint posters who feel it would have somehow been my just deserts if DH had gone off in a fit of pique at my postnatal clinginess and never bothered with his daughter again, but he’s just not that much of a twat luckily. Hopefully OP’s husband won’t be either, despite all your gleeful concerned warnings about how she’s going to be posting in the future about having no help and it will all be her own fault.

Lol, silly me 😂.
RedBeetroot12 · 04/12/2021 06:59

I haven’t read all the comments on here but I just wanted to add that I’ve been in the same situation. I got my little one, one week old, all ready for his Dad to take out by himself but then just couldn’t. It didn’t feel right, it made me feel so anxious. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust my partner or that I didn’t want him to bond and have an independent relationship but the reality of it made me almost panic. We had an argument as well, he thought the same things -that I was being controlling, stopping him from bonding, having an independent relationship etc. But actually I wouldn’t change a thing, it’s absolutely 100% normal to feel like this and actually it can lead to depression if you are separated when you’re not ready. Stick by your guns, it’s Mother Nature talking. Months on now and they have a great relationship and I’ve more than felt ready to let them do their own thing without me !

CurryandSnuggle · 04/12/2021 07:26

I’m on the fence as I think he needs to respect your wishes but also think he should have bonding time. That being said, bonding time could be bath time, a feed, a cuddle on the sofa etc. I think you need to reach a compromise that you’re comfortable with but allows your partner to have precious quality time with bubs

daisypond · 04/12/2021 08:38

There’s some kind of ‘cool mum’ thing going on here with people competing about just how fine they were about their newborns being away from them.

That is a ridiculous and offensive thing to say. It’s also nasty and judgmental. Why judge other women for something that is completely harmless?

AliasGrape · 04/12/2021 08:54

@daisypond

There’s some kind of ‘cool mum’ thing going on here with people competing about just how fine they were about their newborns being away from them.

That is a ridiculous and offensive thing to say. It’s also nasty and judgmental. Why judge other women for something that is completely harmless?

I don’t think I judged anyone did I? Because if you read my very next sentence I said it’s absolutely fine and great if they felt like that.

But the OP has posted that she isn’t ok with it, it’s causing her distress and anxiety. Which is ALSO completely fine and normal and many many women feel that way. So to get a load of posts telling her ‘oh my husband took our baby on a 3 hour hike before they’d even stitched me up after labour and I was absolutely fine so therefore you are being unreasonable’ is not helpful and I’d argue they’re the ones judging another woman and making her feel shit for what is also a completely normal and harmless feeling.

Genuinely there’s nothing nasty about my post - my sister was back at work within 3 months, I couldn’t even go to the supermarket without my baby by that point. I’ve never judged her, she’s never judged me - there were specific reasons for her to feel/ act the way she did and specific reasons why separation was harder for me still at that point, and we’re both good mums most of the time. Any sarcasm in my post was directed at the insistence on replying how fine THEY were with it and therefore concluding the OP was therefore unreasonable and furthermore could never expect her partner to be a decent parent again because AT SIXTEEN DAYS POSTPARTUM she was having a hard time being separated from her little one. That’s the offensive and judgemental attitude imo.

Straighttalking1 · 04/12/2021 09:33

In this day and age of Covid, this is not ok. He wants to show off the new baby with people cooing Covid, Delta, Omicron breath all over new baby, no. I know it's his baby too, but he also has to understand your maternal feelings of wanting to protect baby are paramount. Will LO be in buggy or body carrier thingy? If he objects after you raise your concerns, give him strict instructions, no touching, no close contact at all.

saraclara · 04/12/2021 10:45

Jeeze it's annoying when people post about perfectly rational behaviour and get told that they're trying to be the 'cool mums'. It's so dismissive. In many threads it also encourages behaviour that isn't ideal and might need working on.

For the record I'm anything but cool and cliquey. But I did recognise that our babies were my DH's too, and that handing over to him was a positive thing for us both, even if it felt a bit of a wrench sometimes (or when I knew I could do something better and faster!)

Shmithecat2 · 04/12/2021 11:12

@AliasGrape

I don’t think I judged anyone did I? Because if you read my very next sentence I said it’s absolutely fine and great if they felt like that.

But the OP has posted that she isn’t ok with it, it’s causing her distress and anxiety. Which is ALSO completely fine and normal and many many women feel that way. So to get a load of posts telling her ‘oh my husband took our baby on a 3 hour hike before they’d even stitched me up after labour and I was absolutely fine so therefore you are being unreasonable’ is not helpful and I’d argue they’re the ones judging another woman and making her feel shit for what is also a completely normal and harmless feeling.

Genuinely there’s nothing nasty about my post - my sister was back at work within 3 months, I couldn’t even go to the supermarket without my baby by that point. I’ve never judged her, she’s never judged me - there were specific reasons for her to feel/ act the way she did and specific reasons why separation was harder for me still at that point, and we’re both good mums most of the time. Any sarcasm in my post was directed at the insistence on replying how fine THEY were with it and therefore concluding the OP was therefore unreasonable and furthermore could never expect her partner to be a decent parent again because AT SIXTEEN DAYS POSTPARTUM she was having a hard time being separated from her little one. That’s the offensive and judgemental attitude imo.

All of this 👏👏👏

Shmithecat2 · 04/12/2021 11:15

@saraclara

Jeeze it's annoying when people post about perfectly rational behaviour and get told that they're trying to be the 'cool mums'. It's so dismissive. In many threads it also encourages behaviour that isn't ideal and might need working on.

For the record I'm anything but cool and cliquey. But I did recognise that our babies were my DH's too, and that handing over to him was a positive thing for us both, even if it felt a bit of a wrench sometimes (or when I knew I could do something better and faster!)

But it's perfectly OK to tell the OP she's not exhibiting normal behavior for a mother 16 days PP? Oh, the irony.
Aggy35 · 04/12/2021 11:20

People seem to forget that the baby is just as much hers as his.If he wants to have a bonding time with the baby he should be allowed.Does she need to justify spending alone time with the baby?

Shmithecat2 · 04/12/2021 11:29

But why does he have to 'bond' with the baby in such a way that distresses the mother? There's plenty he can do to bond that doesn't have to upset her. And her upset is totally reasonable. His bullying of her about it is NOT.

Aggy35 · 04/12/2021 11:58

@KathyWilliams

Men/dads can't win on here. Either they are crap parents because they won't give the mother a minute off, or they're crap parents because they want to take the baby away for an hour.

OP, your baby will come to no harm from being shown off by his dad for an hour.

This! Regardless of what mumsnet thinks its not all about women.He might have his own feelings going on ,own anxiety ,own everything.The baby is 50 percent his and no it should all be about what the mother wants. So many posts about naming children what the mum wants,feeding what the mum wants etc...seems men on here are only for financial support.
Colourmeclear · 04/12/2021 12:16

I don't think you are being unreasonable..I can also see how he would be hurt. As a compromise I would be go with him to show the baby off and give a more realistic timescale for him to go out alone that felt I could work with acknowledging that it would still be incredibly difficult for me. For me it would be when baby was closer to 4 or 5 months old.

saraclara · 04/12/2021 13:44

@Colourmeclear

I don't think you are being unreasonable..I can also see how he would be hurt. As a compromise I would be go with him to show the baby off and give a more realistic timescale for him to go out alone that felt I could work with acknowledging that it would still be incredibly difficult for me. For me it would be when baby was closer to 4 or 5 months old.
Seriously? You wouldn't let your DH take the baby out in the pram alone for 4-5 months?

This is what worries me about advice on Mumsnet. We really shouldn't be normalising or encouraging this level of maternal anxiety.

16 days, well okay. 5 months? No, I'm sorry but that is not a healthy level of anxiety about letting your baby's own father be alone with him/her.

Crunchingleaf · 04/12/2021 14:05

YANBU OP. What your feeling is normal. Some posters think we should ignore our natural instincts in order to protect the poor men’s feelings.
I have a sleeping 3 week old in my arms. I haven’t been away from him yet. DP gets plenty of cuddles with him and they are bonding every day even though I am EBF. Our baby knows my voice and my smell and responds to me differently to anyone else. It’s my body that our baby grew in, it’s my body that birthed him and it’s my body feeding him. It’s natural instinct that keeps mothers close to their newborns. Some of us get that instinct stronger then others. Dads are important too but and newborn stage it’s a supporting role to the mother. Later on it can become 50:50.

Hmumoftw0 · 04/12/2021 14:15

I'll never forgot how overwhelmed I felt when MIL took newborn DD into the living room and I was in the bed, after an hour I started sobbing to DH and he told her she had to leave and not to do it again. After that I only allowed people round if I wanted them there.

Don't ever let anyone take your baby if your not ready for it, whether he is the dad or not you have just been through 9 months of pregnancy hormones, hours of labour and now postpartum hormones and probably baby blues HE has not so for now his needs come after yours!

Finknottlesnewt · 04/12/2021 14:33

No I don't think you are being particularly reasonable. This child belongs to you both. He isn't your property to bestow 'time' upon your partner to spend with him.

If I were in your husbands shoes I would be pretty hacked off too.

saraclara · 04/12/2021 17:21

This child belongs to you both. He isn't your property to bestow 'time' upon your partner to spend with him.

Indeed. Mumsnet is so incredibly biased in favour of the woman in all things. There's nothing in the OP to suggest that the DH is 'bullying' the OP, nor that she's 'distressed'. She'd rather he didn't and it's causing friction.

If baby has just been fed, his dad taking him out in the pram for half an hour to an hour should not be an issue.

Shmithecat2 · 04/12/2021 17:47

@saraclara

This child belongs to you both. He isn't your property to bestow 'time' upon your partner to spend with him.

Indeed. Mumsnet is so incredibly biased in favour of the woman in all things. There's nothing in the OP to suggest that the DH is 'bullying' the OP, nor that she's 'distressed'. She'd rather he didn't and it's causing friction.

If baby has just been fed, his dad taking him out in the pram for half an hour to an hour should not be an issue.

Yeah, not quite.

I told him I’m not ready to be parted yet, we’ve argued about it and now I just feel broken and that I’ll just let DH take baby to stop the constant pressure, despite not feeling ready yet…

She's not ready. He's arguing with her, 16 days PP. Abhorrent behavior from him.

mbosnz · 04/12/2021 18:05

Um, what is, or should be paramount, is the child's best interests.

I struggle to see what benefit there is to the child being taken out into the freezing cold, to be paraded around to strangers, while there's a pandemic going on, and when the babe is unvaccinated. I can see unnecessary risk, however, particularly as flu, colds, and RSV's are really kicking off this year.

Yes, you are both parents. It's important that both of you learn that this is not a possession, it is a very new, fragile baby, that you both need to protect, put first, and learn how to effectively parent.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 04/12/2021 18:08

A baby doesn't 'belong' to anyone. But imo it will feel happier with it's dm at 16 days old.

PurBal · 04/12/2021 18:13

I left DS with MIL when he was 9 days old.

mbosnz · 04/12/2021 18:16

I know a person who weaned their baby off the breast at 12 weeks, so they could go for a two week tramp, sans baby.

It takes all sorts. But for us (DP and me), we basically 4th trimestered, because our little dictator would not take a bottle, nor would she sleep anywhere but her cot! We were both fine to go with the baby's flow, and DH would never have dreamed of trying to take our babe's out if I wasn't comfortable with it. He put our wants and needs first, over his, and I honour him for it.