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Original poster

Not ready to part from baby - am I being unreasonable??

223 replies

Mbarts89 · 03/12/2021 17:42

My baby is 16 days old and although my partner wants to take him out without me, I don’t feel ready to be separated from him yet. It’s causing a lot of friction. I feel forced to part from baby, partner feels like I’m criticising his parenting skills. Am I being unreasonable? How long did it take you to part from baby?

OP posts:
Skysblue · 04/12/2021 23:43

Yanbu. Pur society sees mother and baby as completely seperste entities from birth but if things ahve gone well and bonding is in place then in a very real way you aren’t separate. You’re responsding to each orher on a changing chemical level all the time. Follow your instincts.

When DD was a few weeks old I was talked into taking a couple of hours of “me time” that I didn’t particularly want or need because DH had heard it was the thing to do.

I felt bereft and lonely, missed DD terribly, and when I got home again I learned that DD had cried for me the entire time. What was the point of that?!

Momijin · 05/12/2021 02:59

All my babies were with me 24/7 for many months. Didn't stop their father from being with them or bonding. There was no reason for them to be taken out without me.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 05/12/2021 06:32

No wonder so many mums have PND if they feel they can’t be apart form baby for 30 min!! That would have driven me to despair

pompomsgalore · 05/12/2021 06:39

Are you breastfeeding?

SugarlumpsesBumpses · 05/12/2021 06:48

Took me 9 months for DH to be able to go out with DD for an hour or so, as she was breastfeeding so frequently still up to that point ! Do what makes you feel comfortable ?
16 days is tiny

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/12/2021 07:25

www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/baby-care/baby-prefers-mom-over-dad/

@Mbarts89 I think you might find the above article helpful. Yanbu to feel what you feel. It’s natural and biological. It’s not unusual for dads to feel a bit pushed away by the closeness between newborn baby and mum. And he wants to bond. That’s great. Him bonding with the baby doesn’t have to involve leaving the house and taking baby away from you. There is no reason why he can’t bond with the baby with you around or nearby.

I think you need to know that you are being reasonable. You absolutely are. He can bond with baby by changing nappies, bathing baby, holding baby, talking to baby etc.

If he wants to leave the house and show off the baby why can’t he do this with you? You are a couple, you have had a baby together and bonding with baby is something you can do together too.

You are not ready for baby to be away from you yet, he needs to respect that. You also need to respect that he is baby’s dad and his relationship with baby will be a bit different from your relationship and you will both bond in your own way.

One day when baby grows up there will parenting decisions that you both will make together. What school to go to etc. And neither should pressure or force the other to make a parenting decision that makes either one parent uncomfortable.

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/12/2021 07:30

OnceuponaRainbow18
No wonder so many mums have PND if they feel they can’t be apart form baby for 30 min!! That would have driven me to despair

Rubbish! Most mums including myself felt this way and didn’t suffer pnd.

It is a normal part of nature and biology.

Maybe there are so many people depressed or suffering anxiety because we a medicalising perfectly normal emotions.

cupofdecaf · 05/12/2021 07:49

Google 4th trimester. You'll find the info there OP.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 05/12/2021 07:51

@SugarlumpsesBumpses

I’m guessing that’s your first baby as when you have more than one that would be impossible!

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 05/12/2021 07:55

@ImustLearn2Cook

We aren’t taking about a weekend away, a half an hour walk in a pram with their dad…! Absolute madness that this isn’t ok!

Why have a baby with someone you can trust to walk around the block with the kid.!

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/12/2021 08:42

@OnceuponaRainbow18 I am perfectly aware that it is not for a weekend away but for some time out of the house. I don’t think that you understand what I and pp are saying. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a mum not wanting to be separated from such a young baby still in the fourth trimester for even a short period of time. It is not madness. It is natural. It is not unique to human mums either.

Try to read my post objectively.

Are you able to put your personal opinions aside and be objective? Do some research. Pp have posted links. Look some of them up.

I’m not just a parent, I worked with families for many years. The Op is not the first mum I’ve come across who feels like this. I have seen it so often, time and time again over the years that I know that it is perfectly normal and common for mums to feel this way about their newborn babies.

Dreamstate · 05/12/2021 09:31

@FannyCann

At 16 days old I was out and about with my DD

YOU were out and about.

This isn't about the baby going outside. It's about the OP's partner wanting to remove the baby from her before she feels ready to be parted from the baby. Even for a short time. Which is an entirely normal maternal instinct for new mothers.

Well when op is napping and oh is minding the baby she is apart from the baby. So if he went for a walk with the baby whilst she is asleep whats the issue.
FartnissEverbeans · 05/12/2021 09:32

With my first baby I wouldn’t have appreciated this at all and would have found it upsetting.

My second is now 3 weeks old and it would be fine. In fact I left him with our nanny for a few hours this morning so I could sleep and she took him for a walk.

Objectively it shouldn’t be an issue but there’s no need to distress a new mum over something unnecessary. You’re not being unreasonable to want to keep your baby nearby OP.

ShowOfHands · 05/12/2021 09:33

As I said earlier in the thread, is it okay to assume your experience is the norm in other situations? So I had an easy emcs recovery and was home 13hrs later and getting on with life. Am I allowed to say it's madness that other women are different? Or should we all be mindful of the fact that we have myriad experiences and if a new mother is telling us one thing, we should perhaps try listening. Particularly when so many other people have experienced the same. It's really dangerous to start dismissing women's collective experiences just because you haven't had them.

It is pretty clear on here that a significant number of women felt this way. I've linked an article which shows how brain chemistry and structure physically changes in mother's before, during and after birth and how proximity to our babies is a normal, natural and desirable thing. And actually decreases the risk of postnatal anxiety. At 16 days pp, this is perfectly normal. It's nothing to do with not trusting men or preventing bonds with fathers. It's about the feeling of a baby being taken somewhere you have no immediate access to them. It feels like panic and anxiety and it's nature keeping the baby safe. It doesn't last forever.

Does a new mother objectively think something bad will happen if separated from her baby? Nope. Does it feel awful? Oh yes.

LimpLettice · 05/12/2021 10:03

What a lot of rubbish. There are excellent reasons why new mum instinct is to keep the baby close on the first month or so. It has fuck all to do with trusting others, dad being useless, bonding or anything else. It is about how she feels. It's hormonal and primeval and normal. It isn't crucial, nor does it matter if you want that free time, want dad or whoever to take the baby, it's a choice. But at 16 days PP, it absolutely is the mothers choice, and no one else's. Yes the baby is both parents child, but anyone who discounts mums instinct on this to placate dad is bonkers. If dad cannot bond in the presence of mum, why not? By all means suggest it but OP says he is really pushing hard. My 3 have amazing dad bonds, and none were away from me in the early weeks - DH is amazingly hands on but respects the mother bond and supports it, which in turn has led to super strong relationships with his children. His care for me supports anything I need as a mum and has filtered into a whole family bond if that makes sense.

Piling on the pressure constantly L, twice a day 2 weeks after giving birth is verging on abusive, OP when you have said you are not ready and I hope you've explained you will talk about it again in a few weeks and not before. Might be an idea to mention in front of the HV and they will back you up too. I think it's worrying that any loving DH would make his wife feel this way at such a vulnerable time. Keep your wits about you.

SugarlumpsesBumpses · 05/12/2021 11:04

@OnceuponaRainbow18 Yes she is my first but out of interest, why would it be impossible? (Not in a goady way, I actually want to know, as friends I have with 2+ kids have big gaps between them so elder ones are a lot more self sufficient and able to entertain themselves during bf's or putting baby to sleep, or their DPs do everything until baby is a certain age)

When I have a second child my plan is that DH will be stepping up and doing most things for DD (hopefully and within reason) as she will likely be 3/4 before we have a 2nd. Not an unreasonable request and not out of character for him

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 05/12/2021 11:26

@SugarlumpsesBumpses

What will you do when your OH is out at work?

ShowOfHands · 05/12/2021 11:33

I have a 4yr age gap between mine and DH was back at work doing 14hr days when the baby was 4 days old. The baby lived in the sling and I managed to meet the needs of the baby and the needs of my 4yr old at the same time.

That slightly bigger age gap worked perfectly Sugarlumps.

The shift in brain chemistry isn't as marked with your second either so I found it an easier adjustment.

supersonicginandtonic · 05/12/2021 11:52

Can I just say there is no right or wrong when it comes to leaving a new baby. What is right for some mums isn't right for others.
If you don't want to be parted from your baby-that is ok.
If you are happy for baby to be taken out without you-that is ok
If you are happy for baby to sleep at their grandparents overnight-that is ok.

Parenting is difficult, what works for one mum won't work for another. What shouldn't be happening is something that could affect her mental health that is already in a fragile state.

There are many ways a dad can help out. Bathing, feeding if formula or breast fed, taking baby so mum can nap or shower, doing household tasks, getting the shopping, cooking meals, sorting older children if you have them. This list goes on.

OP, your husband should not be putting pressure on you, you'll know when you are ready. He may well be disappointed he can't take baby out alone but that time will come quickly.

SugarlumpsesBumpses · 05/12/2021 13:22

@ShowOfHands That's reassuring, I must admit that's why I wanted a gap, the financial element but also the brain chemistry/hormonal element and knowing how much the first year of having a baby/breastfeeding took out of me. It really did a number on me, pre DD I was very rational and literally as soon as she was born I was like a whole new person. Highly emotional and hyper aware.

@OnceuponaRainbow18 Well, if I wait until DD is approaching 3/4 she will be in childcare full time at that point due to 3 year old funding, as it will still be split between nursery/grandparents and I will be home most of the day with baby alone. DH can do pick ups and tea time/bed time for DD if I need to sort baby otherwise we will do it all together which is what we've done for DD. Don't get me wrong, I know it'll be a learning curve and balancing act but he's very supportive and equally involved as far as he can be bar breastfeeding obviously, so I'm hoping we will manage the balance

glasshalfsomething · 05/12/2021 13:28

YABU. It’s his child too. There’s absolutely no harm to him taking him a walk for an hour or so. A push in the pram in fresh air will be good for him, and encouraging your husband in this will absolutely help him be a better dad. It’s ok to let go. He’s hardly 16hrs old.

Musicaltheatremum · 05/12/2021 13:31

@Mbarts89

Thanks for the comments. So DH has looked after DS at home when I nap/shower etc, but now he’s piling on the pressure asking me a couple times a day to take the baby out for a walk alone and show him off to people. I totally get that he wants to bond alone with the baby but that feels like a very separate issue to my need to stay near DS. I told him I’m not ready to be parted yet, we’ve argued about it and now I just feel broken and that I’ll just let DH take baby to stop the constant pressure, despite not feeling ready yet…

I was hoping to find some information online about mother’s need to stay near baby so I could share with DH , has anyone read anything about it?

You see... everyone is different. My husband used to take my daughter out for a walk when she was weeks old. He loved it and I was thrilled he loved her so much to do this.

He also used to do the bedtime feed (I gave a bottle at this feed only) and read her stories from 6 weeks old. She had a fabulous bond with him all her life. He died when she was 18. Those memories of them together are very special.

I don't see it as a red flag at all. Surely fathers want to be involved. But I understand your anxieties.

I think it helped me not have so many worries when sending them to nannies and childminders.

My daughter is 28 now. I wonder if you reach a compromise of letting him take her out for 30 mins for a walk..a couple of times a week.

Katyppp · 05/12/2021 13:49

We are very fond of equal parenting on MN and many a thread has been about dad not pulling his weight.
Yet, equality only goes one way it seems.
I find these posts (and there are a few every week) bizarre and incredibly controlling.
What right has a mum to 'allow' her partner to take his baby for a walk. If it was the other way round, he would be told to LT B.
On one hand, it's not on when dads call looking after their children 'babysitting' (another MN favourite) but on the other it's fine to marginalise him from the baby's life, having to beg permission to spend time with his child.
I've said this before, some men must wonder what they have got themselves into if they have to deal with some of the precious nonsense on MN.
And amazingly, the behavoir is always overwhelmingly supported by other posters.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 05/12/2021 13:50

@SugarlumpsesBumpses

I’m sure it will work itself out… but from what you’ve described when will you have that special time with your DD when she’s older? Most people I know do everything with their older one as their needs seem greater in that moment and a shock of having a sibling to dad doing everything and going full time to child care will be immense for your current DD, usually baby goes in sling and gets fed out and about whilst the toddler is being entertained. You can’t expect to sit at home feeding a newborn baby around the clock whilst you have a toddler, it’s unfair on the toddler.