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Original poster

Not ready to part from baby - am I being unreasonable??

223 replies

Mbarts89 · 03/12/2021 17:42

My baby is 16 days old and although my partner wants to take him out without me, I don’t feel ready to be separated from him yet. It’s causing a lot of friction. I feel forced to part from baby, partner feels like I’m criticising his parenting skills. Am I being unreasonable? How long did it take you to part from baby?

OP posts:
Monkeymilkshake · 03/12/2021 18:43

Depends! If it’s a little walk round the block or a full day out type of thing?
But if you’re not ready you’re not ready!

Original poster
Mbarts89 · 03/12/2021 18:43

Thanks for the comments. So DH has looked after DS at home when I nap/shower etc, but now he’s piling on the pressure asking me a couple times a day to take the baby out for a walk alone and show him off to people. I totally get that he wants to bond alone with the baby but that feels like a very separate issue to my need to stay near DS. I told him I’m not ready to be parted yet, we’ve argued about it and now I just feel broken and that I’ll just let DH take baby to stop the constant pressure, despite not feeling ready yet…

I was hoping to find some information online about mother’s need to stay near baby so I could share with DH , has anyone read anything about it?

OP posts:
Santaischeckinglists · 03/12/2021 18:45

Every dm is different op... But the fact is YOU aren't ready and your dh SHOULD be putting your feelings before his wants...

Noama · 03/12/2021 18:46

@Sadandncforthis

Op hasn't said her dh can't hold the baby. And I didn't say that wasn't appropriate did I? She said he wants to take it out without her. Hardly the same thing is it? Confused
A baby that age gets passed around to friends and relatives to have a cuddle. If you don’t find that distressing then why would you find a parent taking care of a baby distressing. If I were a dad I’d be very offended being accusing of ‘distressing’ my own child. Just because you carried a baby, doesn’t make it 100%
Outlyingtrout · 03/12/2021 18:46

@frozendaisy

He needs to bond as well.

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Let him be a doting dad.

All the decent dads who don’t try to separate a mum and baby against their wishes manage to bond perfectly fine, funnily enough.
Noama · 03/12/2021 18:49

OP, I don’t agree with you and some PP about this, dad should have chance to bond. But if you really don’t feel ready and he’s really nagging you, that’s not ok. He should be more respectful to your wishes.
I don’t have any research to share, but I hope someone who does can comment soon x

Georgy12 · 03/12/2021 18:49

Good god the man wants w bit of one on one time with his own baby for an hour! I bet you'll be back on here in a couple years complaining all the child work is left to you, you're setting yourself up for it now. You'll survive for an hour while they go for a walk!

Outlyingtrout · 03/12/2021 18:49

He’s not a supportive partner or father if “showing off” the baby and going for a walk on his own is more important to him than not doing something that you’ve been clear is very distressing to you (and understandably so) just 2 weeks after giving birth.

DriftingBlue · 03/12/2021 18:50

16 days is insane. Google the 4th trimester.

Plus I would worry the whole time about baby getting hungry and him not getting back to you fast enough. They eat so often at that age.

Staryflight445 · 03/12/2021 18:51

Did you do your bonding with your children whilst pushing a buggy and watching others hold them?
@Georgy12

rosabella76 · 03/12/2021 18:52

Omg, 16 days?? YANBU at all! It took me 5 months to feel okay to be away from my baby even for just an hour Blush
The way I see it is - there is a good reason for mothers feeling like this, we are obviously primed to be very protective of our babies, and this is not a bad thing. They need our closeness just as much as we need theirs. Please respect how you are feeling - how you feel matters x

Staryflight445 · 03/12/2021 18:53

Posters ridiculing you are bloody weird op. I don’t understand why posters are so desperate for 50/50 as soon as child is born. It’s not 50/50 when we put ourselves at risk of all sorts carrying and birthing them is it 🙄.

There is plenty of time for 1-1 with dad, when you are ready to be away from your baby op.
Your partner is being extremely disrespectful, you’ve barely had time to recover from the birth the selfish git.

Franca123 · 03/12/2021 18:54

I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable as I know lots of mothers who feel the same. Plus, there's all sorts of hormones and emotions rushing around for you right now. But I think it's perfectly reasonable for your partner to want to take his baby out for a little walk or something. I think you need to talk with each other, be sensitive to each others needs and work out a way forward. Ultimately an engaged father who takes an active role is amazing.

Staryflight445 · 03/12/2021 18:55

There’s plenty of research about how important it is for baby to be with mum after birth.
Heartbeat regulation, breathing etc.

All comes from mum.
Your baby will bond with dad, of course. But you’ll always have that biological upper hand for now.

Just10moreminutesplease · 03/12/2021 18:56

Congratulations on your new arrival!

At 16 days the only way your baby should be apart from you is if you choose it. Your hormones will still be in overdrive and it’s not uncommon to feel anxious when apart.

Ask your DH if taking the baby out alone to show them off is worth causing you real distress. If he says that it is, then he is a complete knob.

PegasusReturns · 03/12/2021 19:00

My DH has been a wonderful hands on dad to all 4 of our DC but there is not a hope in hell I would have let him take them out without me at 16 days old.

I would have found it intolerable to be away from them.

daisypond · 03/12/2021 19:01

Well, it’s up to you, but are you really saying you won’t let your partner/baby’s dad out with the baby for a walk/supermarket shop, anything, without you? That seems odd to me. My DP was doing that within a day or so.

Thinking2041 · 03/12/2021 19:02

I had three children. By the third I was ready to have some alone time much earlier than the first but I think it was still at least 6-8 weeks before I contemplated being more than a few metres away.

I totally understand his desire to bond and feel able to care for his child. But it doesn’t need to come at the expense of your distress.

I would argue that a small baby only knows their mother, their mothers smell. When a baby starts to cry that they want their mum they experience their distress as global. They don’t actually know that their mum is coming back. A baby doesn’t understand object permanence (that things still exist if they can’t be seen or sensed) until 6/7 months. Do you want me to try and find some literature for you to read him?

SomethingBeginningWithX · 03/12/2021 19:04

YANBU. I was separated from my newborn at 17 days because I was unwell and needed a scan. I was fine for about 20 minutes then the jitters set in and I was desperate to be with her. Thankfully they finished up the medical stuff shortly after and could bring her from the waiting area to where I was.

Dads want to bond, of course they do, but he can do that with you there or nearby?! A new mum should never be forced to part with her newborn against her wishes unless it is for some significant reason such as medical intervention.

Ozanj · 03/12/2021 19:06

@Mbarts89

Thanks for the comments. So DH has looked after DS at home when I nap/shower etc, but now he’s piling on the pressure asking me a couple times a day to take the baby out for a walk alone and show him off to people. I totally get that he wants to bond alone with the baby but that feels like a very separate issue to my need to stay near DS. I told him I’m not ready to be parted yet, we’ve argued about it and now I just feel broken and that I’ll just let DH take baby to stop the constant pressure, despite not feeling ready yet…

I was hoping to find some information online about mother’s need to stay near baby so I could share with DH , has anyone read anything about it?

How is your relationship like overall? Where does he want to take the baby? I think this would raise a few red flags for me - to be going zero to 60 like this he must be taking your DB to see someone specific.
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/12/2021 19:06

Its the fact that he's forcing you before you are ready which is the unreasonable part of this. Its not about bonding its about the fact that his needs come first.
Its covid and flu season and a newborn and very cold. I'd say no. Why can't you come too anyway? and all three of you go..
He doesn't sound very nice at all.

frazzledasarock · 03/12/2021 19:12

Wtf why can’t a dad bond with his child in the house with the mother and baby together?

Taking a newborn from its mother is distressing for both baby and mum. It’s fine if some new mums were delighted by it. This mother isn’t.

I’d have have gone crazy had DH taken mine from me at that age.

Look up fourth trimester

lemondrop21 · 03/12/2021 19:13

My baby is 7.5 months. My DH has been left alone with her twice for about an hour. Once about a month ago when I nipped to the shop with my 4yo and once today. He got home from work early so the baby stayed home with him while I went on the school run.
My DH would never question this. He is the most amazing dad but there has never been a need for me to leave our baby. He knows while they're tiny they need to be with mum.

My oldest is 4 and he has lots of 1 on 1 time with her and days out etc.

HappyMeal564 · 03/12/2021 19:16

@Santaischeckinglists

This isn't a good sign imo. Is he usually supportive? And I bet he wants to take dc to his dm's house...
If op isn't ready then she isn't ready that's more than fine, her choice and I was exactly the same when mine were that age, but I don't understand why him wanting to the baby out or taking baby to see his mum isn't a good sign? He's the dad
EdithGrantham · 03/12/2021 19:17

My DD is 4 months and the longest DH has had her without me being available was 40 minutes when I dropped my car off at the garage. She's EBF and I'm feeding on demand so sometimes she can go an hour or two between feeds, other times as little as 20 minutes. There is an event that I considered going to in a couple of weeks but I'd be out of the house for 3 hours and I don't want to give her a bottle. DH is happy to go with what I want and gets one-to-one bonding time on his days off work when I have a lie-in. Do what feels right for you.