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Original poster

Not ready to part from baby - am I being unreasonable??

223 replies

Mbarts89 · 03/12/2021 17:42

My baby is 16 days old and although my partner wants to take him out without me, I don’t feel ready to be separated from him yet. It’s causing a lot of friction. I feel forced to part from baby, partner feels like I’m criticising his parenting skills. Am I being unreasonable? How long did it take you to part from baby?

OP posts:
PurBal · 04/12/2021 18:17

The first time DH had him alone DS was a day old.

user1493494961 · 04/12/2021 18:20

The fresh air will do them good.

Shmithecat2 · 04/12/2021 18:21

@PurBal

I left DS with MIL when he was 9 days old.
And if YOU were OK with that, then good for you.
supersonicginandtonic · 04/12/2021 18:35

Why are so many posters on this thread being so ridiculous about the weather. If the baby is clothed correctly and they are warm and dry, there is no issue. Do you crazy people think those living in places like north Scandinavia, Siberia, Canada etc, don't leave the house all winter? 🙄

BeeDavis · 04/12/2021 18:41

Honestly and women wonder why their partners are never that invested in their children… because you don’t let them!!!! What’s the big deal about him taking the baby out?

EberhardtSmallcock · 04/12/2021 19:18

@mbosnz

Um, what is, or should be paramount, is the child's best interests.

I struggle to see what benefit there is to the child being taken out into the freezing cold, to be paraded around to strangers, while there's a pandemic going on, and when the babe is unvaccinated. I can see unnecessary risk, however, particularly as flu, colds, and RSV's are really kicking off this year.

Yes, you are both parents. It's important that both of you learn that this is not a possession, it is a very new, fragile baby, that you both need to protect, put first, and learn how to effectively parent.

I have no particularly strong feelings either way, apart from that I think there are too many posters on MN who treat men as incapable idiots then complain when they act like incapable idiots - but I do think that a healthy baby is very decidedly not fragile. Assuming there are no underlying conditions, babies are remarkably robust, and a baby taken for a walk outside wrapped up warmly is not going to freeze to death or catch Covid or somehow break.

The benefit to the child is that the mother has a break, the father gets to do his own particular form of parenting (several PP seem to think the only way to be a parent is the mother's way), and the baby gets some fresh air. It's an hour, not a week.

Shmithecat2 · 04/12/2021 19:49

But she doesn't want a break.

mbosnz · 04/12/2021 19:53

I do think a 16 day old baby is fragile, in terms of pandemic, RSV etc, and why expose them when you don't have to? They have not been vaccinated, they have no super powers that protect them.

I do not think men are incompetent adults, but apparently some men have a little bit of trouble thinking that their baby's welfare is paramount. There is no bonding or learning to parent that he cannot do without taking their baby out to parade to his mates.

The benefit to the child that their mother has a break, can be done in house. Particularly given that she's stressed about the baby going outside the house, and would likely get herself into a right state. The baby can get fresh air by opening a window, or walking down the drive, just as well as being taken out.

ShowOfHands · 04/12/2021 20:19

This thread is a perfect example of the fucking pressure we pile on new mothers to do what WE think they should. There are as many people on here saying they felt the same as there are berating the op. It's pretty clear that it's a common experience for many women and that with a bit of time, op will feel better about being away from her baby. And while they're waiting, there's all sorts Dad can do to support her AND spend time with his baby.

I had an emcs you know. At 16 days pp, I felt utterly normal again. I was back doing light exercise in fact. At 4 days old, I took DS for v long walks and on the bus to do the school run. I also needed zero painkillers and was discharged after 13hrs in the hospital. Should I be telling pp women who had an emcs that they too should be out the hospital half a day later and getting on with it? Back running 10ks by 9 weeks? Because that's what I did? Or should I take the time to flipping well listen and not compare them to me?

FannyCann · 04/12/2021 20:30

YANBU OP. What your feeling is normal. Some posters think we should ignore our natural instincts in order to protect the poor men’s feelings. I have a sleeping 3 week old in my arms. I haven’t been away from him yet. DP gets plenty of cuddles with him and they are bonding every day even though I am EBF. Our baby knows my voice and my smell and responds to me differently to anyone else. It’s my body that our baby grew in, it’s my body that birthed him and it’s my body feeding him. It’s natural instinct that keeps mothers close to their newborns. Some of us get that instinct stronger then others. Dads are important too but and newborn stage it’s a supporting role to the mother.Later on it can become 50:50

What @Crunchingleaf said.

You are not unreasonable OP.

It's a shame more people don't understand and respect the very strong instincts that nature imbues new mothers with. It's a beautiful thing. Enjoy your new baby OP and don't feel guilty about it.

sunnyzweibrucken · 04/12/2021 20:36

At 16 days old I was out and about with my DD. She turned out just fine, rarely sick, missing school only a few times for non illness related reasons, was at the top of her class in school. We lived in Germany and she was born in January so it was freezing cold and she lived thru it just fine. :)

FannyCann · 04/12/2021 20:41

At 16 days old I was out and about with my DD

YOU were out and about.

This isn't about the baby going outside. It's about the OP's partner wanting to remove the baby from her before she feels ready to be parted from the baby. Even for a short time. Which is an entirely normal maternal instinct for new mothers.

saleorbouy · 04/12/2021 21:28

It is good for you and your baby to have time apart in between feeds.
I would take my DC for early morning walking in the oram across the park so my DW could have rest, sleep or bath undisturbed.
It also allowed my to spend time with DC.
You need to separate yourself from the baby so they become accustomed and comfortable being with others, it will make for a much easier life as they grow up.

FannyCann · 04/12/2021 21:34

It is good for you and your baby to have time apart

You need to separate yourself from the baby

Of course the men know best. Hmm

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 04/12/2021 21:42

What utter fucking tosh...
The op has waited 9 months to hold the life she carried and gave birth to.
Why the fuck should she need/want to be apart from it at 16 days pp??
Bonkers.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 04/12/2021 21:44

Have you taken the baby out without your dh?

saraclara · 04/12/2021 22:16

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

What utter fucking tosh... The op has waited 9 months to hold the life she carried and gave birth to. Why the fuck should she need/want to be apart from it at 16 days pp?? Bonkers.
The baby's father had also waited nine months to see his child.

All he's asking for is a little bit of time, just him and the baby. It's not a weird thing to ask. Being alone with them is different from always being watched over or having every moment shared.

It's as though people refuse to even contemplate empathising with a new father.

It mumsnet had its way, the father would be entirely peripheral up until the point where is time to moan that they don't do enough parenting.

Being a new dad is a massive thing. I didn't really get just how much until my nephew was born a year after my first, and I overheard my DH and my BIL talking and sharing how they'd felt. I'd been so wrapped up in my own feelings, that I simply didn't spare much of a thought for how big a thing it was for him, the helplessness and worry during the birth, the massive responsibility of feeling he had to keep me and this tiny baby safe, the love he felt, and the lack of confidence when he couldn't soothe or do baby care as efficiently as me.
I only knew when it was over and I heard a conversation not intended for me. There was no criticism of me by the way. It was a simple conversation between two dads, expressing how powerful it was for them. Just like the conversations we share with other new mums.

WTF475878237NC · 04/12/2021 22:21

All the bonding can go on within the home until you're ready OP. If you search for previous threads on this topic many mums don't leave the babies for months, even with the dad.

FannyCann · 04/12/2021 22:36

All he's asking for is a little bit of time, just him and the baby. It's not a weird thing to ask.

Actually I do think it's a weird thing to ask.

Baby at 16 days feeds, sleeps, cries. It needs to be near its mother, whether breastfeeding or not.
Why are men (and some women) so keen to break the visceral bond between new mothers and their babies?
What bonding actually goes on between a father and a new baby when baby is hopefully asleep in whatever carrier/buggy is being used whilst out and about? Or when it's crying because it needs its mother?
Why the need to head off out and "show him off to people"?
FFS all he did was contribute some sperm to this baby that he is so desperate to show off. Is that really so clever?
Why can't he bond at home, cuddling the baby while Mum has a shower or getting up in the night to help settle the baby after he has made a hot drink for Mum while she feeds the baby?

saraclara · 04/12/2021 22:44

It's not breaking a bond, for goodness sake. The bond between mother and baby is hardly so fragile that a dad taking it out in the pram (probably sleeping anyway) is going to break it! You might as who say that the mum having a bath for half an hour is breaking the bond.

Jeeze.

FannyCann · 04/12/2021 22:47

It's not breaking a bond, for goodness sake.

OP's partner is bullying her to separate from the baby.

"I feel forced to part from baby"

"now I just feel broken"

What is normal about that?

saraclara · 04/12/2021 22:52

@FannyCann

It's not breaking a bond, for goodness sake.

OP's partner is bullying her to separate from the baby.

"I feel forced to part from baby"

"now I just feel broken"

What is normal about that?

We don't know that he's bullying her. If he is, then of course he shouldn't be.

But if he's just asking and frustrated that she won't let him, then yes, it's not normal to feel broken at the idea of the baby's father taking it for a walk for half an hour.

FannyCann · 04/12/2021 23:02

It is absolutely normal for many women to feel a visceral need to be close to their baby at all times in the early postnatal period. Why is that so difficult to understand or to respect?
Nature is wonderful and at the end of the day we are all mammals, and have the same instinct to protect our young as most other mammalian mothers.

Dreamstate · 04/12/2021 23:12

Yabu. You let him look after the baby whilst you nap, so what's the difference if your napping and he takes baby out for a walk?

Why don't y compromise on that. Just think your being precious.

We all have hormones to deal with even before having children. I dont let my hormones rule me. You should let him take the Barmby for a walk, maybe compromise and allow it when your napping cos your too busy sleeping to feel distressed then.

EberhardtSmallcock · 04/12/2021 23:15

It mumsnet had its way, the father would be entirely peripheral up until the point where is time to moan that they don't do enough parenting

@saraclara is absolutely right.

In the real world, parents tend to muddle along a bit more sanely.