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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Calling you MEN of Mumsnet

258 replies

bunglebells · 02/12/2021 11:44

Ok, this post isn't to get into a huge ethical debate... but I've actually been wanting to ask it for years. Am assuming it might have been done but I couldn't find it!

Those of you that don't use PORN. Could you tell me why? As in, don't like it, gone off it, ethical reasons, feels wrong, because partner doesn't like it.

So many threads on here about porn. And most seem to end up with women who say their partners don't watch it, being told they're naive. I don't particularly want to get into that debate, but would be very interested to hear if there are men who really really don't, and obviously then, why?!

For the record and upfront. I'm anti I suppose. Prefer not to have it in my relationship. Have experienced relationships where men do, and some where they (allegedly) don't. Of these, some I've believed, others I haven't. But that's besides the point.

Don't want a bun fight, just genuinely really interested and intrigued. Smile

OP posts:
Avarua · 04/12/2021 05:42

Oh well I have a problem with cage fighting too @Menherepleasedontbetriggered. It's base. Gutter stuff.

I think humans are better.

Menherepleasedontbetriggered · 04/12/2021 05:57

@Avarua

Well whatever you can read Jane Austen and others can watch porn.

Menherepleasedontbetriggered · 04/12/2021 06:02

The point is it’s a choice and there are plenty of women willing to do hardcore stuff in porn or only fans type stuff for money. They don’t need it to survive they do it for more money. They don’t have a problem with it so why should you dictate to them.

RainLol · 04/12/2021 07:36

@Menherepleasedontbetriggered

Should have mentioned I’m a man.
I think that was obvious. The ignorance and condescendence was unmistakable.

Also the deligtful username…

ReadyforTakeOff · 04/12/2021 07:38

@Menherepleasedontbetriggered

The point is it’s a choice and there are plenty of women willing to do hardcore stuff in porn or only fans type stuff for money. They don’t need it to survive they do it for more money. They don’t have a problem with it so why should you dictate to them.
Yup, money talks. Life ain't perfect unfortunately and I don't think people are worrying about the "actors" when they are horny for a wank.

And same here, every man I know has watched porn - naive to think otherwise.

Menherepleasedontbetriggered · 04/12/2021 07:41

@RainLol

How is it condescending for a man to comment on a post which asks men to comment about porn? If anything all the women who have written their opinions are the ones being condescending to the men who honestly replied.

Anyway, porns not going anywhere, it’s harmless fun and trying out new stuff can be fun and keep things interesting.

DevonsFinest · 04/12/2021 08:13

I wonder how many British men could imagine their young daughters being forcibly sold into the sex industry and filmed being violently raped in the name of "harmless" porn so men could wank over them being abused.
Just because it doesn't happen in our country doesn't mean it isn't happening and it's what your seeing but your turning a blind eye because you enjoy wanking to it.
Woman are nothing to men in some countries and you can buy woman or girls for pittance and what you do with them is up to you, beat them, kill them no one cares because they have no value just bits of meat to make money from so no, it's not harmless and it's the reason woman aren't safe in society, because young men are growing up learning from this that woman don't mean anything and it's ok to treat them how you want because they're only purpose is to please men.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 04/12/2021 08:17

Anyway, porns not going anywhere, it’s harmless fun and trying out new stuff can be fun and keep things interesting

I don’t think it is harmless though.

Not all women in porn are doing it through free choice. Many cases of women and girls being raped which are filmed and make their way to pornhub, and the victims can’t get them taken down.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-51391981

www.nytimes.com/2020/12/04/opinion/sunday/pornhub-rape-trafficking.html

There was an interesting documentary a few years ago where three? Teenage boys were taken to the US to see the porn industry for themselves. Even with women who were doing it “consensually” the tales were pretty horrific- being expected to stay behind after filming and service the execs and crew, permanent vaginal and anal damage as the sex acts got more extreme, the gradual coercion into more extreme porn- grooming if you like so they thought it was their choice to move from straight sex to anal, dp, gang bangs etc.

As a parallel many teenagers who are groomed and abused by older men or “grooming gangs” honestly believe they are doing it through choice. The 14 year old sleeping with her 45 year old teacher, that’s harmless as long as she’s choosing it?

Menherepleasedontbetriggered · 04/12/2021 08:18

@DevonsFinest

And what if all the women who do do this in “our” society willingly for money? It’s not a myth, there are plenty of women who choose to go on only fans or whatever for money and enough that choose to go into porn? Why is it a problem?

Most people don’t try to become travelling circus performers or sword swallowers either but some do, so what?

Men aren’t learning anything, they’re just having a quick wank, plenty of them are in loving relationships and plenty of men before internet porn (or filming or cameras) treated women far worse.

Strawing · 04/12/2021 08:20

[quote Menherepleasedontbetriggered]@RainLol

How is it condescending for a man to comment on a post which asks men to comment about porn? If anything all the women who have written their opinions are the ones being condescending to the men who honestly replied.

Anyway, porns not going anywhere, it’s harmless fun and trying out new stuff can be fun and keep things interesting.[/quote]
Believe me, condescension is the last thing on my mind when I’m faced with someone deluded enough to think porn is ‘harmless fun’. Harmless for whom? Hmm

Menherepleasedontbetriggered · 04/12/2021 08:21

@Nomoreusernames1244

Well I guess the difference is unlike you I don’t think of grown women choosing to make porn for money to be the same thing as underage children being raped by grown men.

If that was so virtually no woman anywhere could “choose” to have sex with a man if he’s talked to her first. After all who could know if her “choice” was real?
Guess I have a higher opinion of women’s ability to make their own decisions sexually than some women do.

Menherepleasedontbetriggered · 04/12/2021 08:24

@Strawing

Harmless for those making it who choose it for money and many do - if you don’t believe that research it or be wilfully deluded and harmless for those watching it.

I’m sure making porn isn’t for most people, but neither is working with dangerous animals - that doesn’t mean they should be stopped from doing either and it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t go to a wildlife park or watch porn. Lighten up.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 04/12/2021 08:27

And what if all the women who do do this in “our” society willingly for money? It’s not a myth, there are plenty of women who choose to go on only fans or whatever for money and enough that choose to go into porn? Why is it a problem?

When you watch porn how do you know which women are acting out scenes of rape fantasy, taking part consensually, willingly for the money,

Or this: www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-51391981

A teenage girl raped by a stranger, filmed and uploaded.

That’s the problem. Unless you can 100% say the porn you seek out is made with women’s health, and safety at the forefront, then chances are you will have watched women who are not doing it through choice, or for the money, or however you justify it. And by watching porn from those sites you are driving the need for it. Same as men who watch images of child sexual abuse may not be actually harming those children, but they are driving it.

There is ethical porn out there but you have to look hard for it. It’s nearly always paywall, and nearly always made by women. While pornhub etc host videos such as the above you will never know whether you are viewing “harmless” fun or serious abuse.

If you don’t care about that, and the women in porn, and want to tell yourself they’re all doing it through free choice, then that says a lot about you.

DevonsFinest · 04/12/2021 08:30

@Menherepleasedontbetriggered just a question, is it ok please if some bloke and his mates gang rape you and film it?
I know it will hurt and cause you a lot of distress but men will be able to wank over it and so it'll all be worth it cos we can sell that material so would that be ok please? You'll be doing it for the men???

Menherepleasedontbetriggered · 04/12/2021 08:33

@DevonsFinest

Calm down you sound unhinged. I’ve said there are women willing to make those videos for money and there are - that is in no way similar to a gang rape ffs.

Menherepleasedontbetriggered · 04/12/2021 08:37

@Nomoreusernames1244

That’s the nature of big platform hosting sites isn’t it? Anyone can upload horrible shit to you tube or twitter as well cant they - rapes, beheadings, violent crime and until it’s discovered it will stay there.

So if you use YouTube you support that by your logic. Massive online platforms are different than anything that’s gone before, they’re like the realworld equivalent of a huge marketplace - just because some people are trying to sell shady shit doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go there.

Your fighting a losing battle. Big platform porn is normal and men and most women don’t care.

RainLol · 04/12/2021 08:43

@Menherepleasedontbetriggered

men and most women don’t care.

And you don’t see how that is problematic?

DevonsFinest · 04/12/2021 08:44

Yes it is because you're excusing it on the grounds of what you don't know doesn't hurt you, but you are aware some of these woman didn't consent or did through fear but you don't know which ones because you don't know how any material came about.

I'm just curious to know if you'd be ok with getting gang raped by a group of violent men for men to enjoy watching and if not why not?

DevonsFinest · 04/12/2021 08:45

That was to @Menherepleasedontbetriggered

Nomoreusernames1244 · 04/12/2021 08:49

I'm just curious to know if you'd be ok with getting gang raped by a group of violent men for men to enjoy watching and if not why not?

There are men willing to do it for money so the odd actual gang rape being filmed isn’t an issue.

I have confidence in mens ability to make their own decisions so if I came across a video of a man being violently raped I’d assume he’s consented.

Just harmless fun Hmm

Strawing · 04/12/2021 08:50

[quote Menherepleasedontbetriggered]@Strawing

Harmless for those making it who choose it for money and many do - if you don’t believe that research it or be wilfully deluded and harmless for those watching it.

I’m sure making porn isn’t for most people, but neither is working with dangerous animals - that doesn’t mean they should be stopped from doing either and it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t go to a wildlife park or watch porn. Lighten up.[/quote]
And you ‘research’ the ethics of each individual piece of porn before using, do you? Or you’re happy to assume that the woman you’re getting off on watching being choked and hit has made a free decision and is being fairly compensated by an industry famous for its standards?

DevonsFinest · 04/12/2021 08:58

@Nomoreusernames1244

I'm just curious to know if you'd be ok with getting gang raped by a group of violent men for men to enjoy watching and if not why not?

There are men willing to do it for money so the odd actual gang rape being filmed isn’t an issue.

I have confidence in mens ability to make their own decisions so if I came across a video of a man being violently raped I’d assume he’s consented.

Just harmless fun Hmm

the odd actual gang rape being filmed isn’t an issue

No you're the issue with that attitude.

So if you were gang raped would you still say it wasn't an issue because it was just the odd one? @Menherepleasedontbetriggered

Menherepleasedontbetriggered · 04/12/2021 09:01

@RainLol

No it’s not “problematic”, they’re just not uptight. If someone wants to sell sex videos and other people want to watch who cares? That’s the sensible attitude.
It’s doesn’t matter that some women on the fringes with a complex don’t like porn. All men watch it and all the girls I know, know it and are totally fine with it. I don’t get pissy if my wife reads 50 shades of grey lol.

Chillaxx.

DevonsFinest · 04/12/2021 09:02

@Menherepleasedontbetriggered
Wouldn't you get pissy if your wife was gang raped?

DevonsFinest · 04/12/2021 09:03

@Menherepleasedontbetriggered or would you just chilaxx