Calling you MEN of Mumsnet

[bunglebells]

Ok, this post isn't to get into a huge ethical debate... but I've actually been wanting to ask it for years. Am assuming it might have been done but I couldn't find it!

Those of you that don't use PORN. Could you tell me why? As in, don't like it, gone off it, ethical reasons, feels wrong, because partner doesn't like it.

So many threads on here about porn. And most seem to end up with women who say their partners don't watch it, being told they're naive. I don't particularly want to get into that debate, but would be very interested to hear if there are men who really really don't, and obviously then, why?!

For the record and upfront. I'm anti I suppose. Prefer not to have it in my relationship. Have experienced relationships where men do, and some where they (allegedly) don't. Of these, some I've believed, others I haven't. But that's besides the point.

Don't want a bun fight, just genuinely really interested and intrigued.

@LS1414

As a woman, I wouldn’t mind my partner watching porn. I’d watch it with him!! Lol I’m confident in myself and porn isn’t a threat to me. I also understand men are full of testosterone it’s Mother Nature for them to release. It’s not cheating it’s totally natural.

stand aside, for it is Empowered Me

As a woman, porn has never done anything for me.
I watched a video many years ago and found it quite funny and cringe. How she serviced that many gentlemen at the same time, and appeared to enjoy herself, on a building site is beyond me !
I’m assuming they were on their lunch break 🤣

So to try to gain greater involvement. A disclosure.

I am anti porn. However, on the handful of times I have seen it since I was a teenager (and I'm quite old, won't go into how and why the occasions happened), I would be lying if I said it didn't turn me on. It did. Despite everything I think/feel.

But I don't use it and prefer if my partner also doesn't. Because I don't think it's a force for good for men, women, relationships, society, human rights... etc.

So even within me there's a dissonance. I can see it's a useful tool. I chose not to utilise it as it jars with my beliefs. Just really interested to know whether the men who genuinely don't use it don't because they don't like it, or their body likes it (like me) but they chose not to use it.

There is definitely a disproportionate amount of men commenting on the sex board, I have to say. It's a bit unnerving

@YRGAM

There is definitely a disproportionate amount of men commenting on the sex board, I have to say. It's a bit unnerving

Maybe I should move the thread?

Sorry, I'm not a bloke, so not really helping with your post, OP. But I just wanted to say that I think porn has changed very much for the worse over the past few decades.
When my generation was young, porn meant magazines.
And they were light hearted, and very soft core. Readers sent in pics of their partners, and there were as many naked husbands pics as naked wives. None of the stories were violent, they were usually "bored housewife gets off with plumber" type, and they were consensual, not ghastly rape fantasies. Married couples could happily read them together in bed.
Young lads, buying "top shelf" magazines, would of course be masturbating over pics of nude women, but they would certainly not be shown images of choking, spitting, anal rape, bestiality, or any of the other ghastliness currently promoted as porn on the internet. They would see articles on how to give a woman an orgasm, how to be good at foreolay etc.
One mag even employed a lesbian to give sex tips to men!
Women back then (1970s) would tut about objectification, but the whole vibe of porn then was about pleasure, not degradation and abuse. The hard core stuff was not readily available, and certainly not to impressionable young boys.
To summarise, I think males using internet porn nowadays is a much greater worry than it was in my day. And I'd avoid any man who got his jollies from watching rape and abuse. How can any decent man find such stuff erotic?

Just not arsed about it anymore. It's not real, strippers are the same, shite.
Plus me and Mrs. Hr have an awesome sex life and she's an ex underwear model.
Living the dream.

MY FWB, who is 50, said he watched it a bit in his 30s but did not really like it, so stopped. He does however, like reading erotica. The erotic rather than online porn, preference really shows in how he is in bed, and its why I have kept him as a long term FWB : )

It's a no from me because the plots are under developed and I can't follow the subtitles

@blusteredbirds

MY FWB, who is 50, said he watched it a bit in his 30s but did not really like it, so stopped. He does however, like reading erotica. The erotic rather than online porn, preference really shows in how he is in bed, and its why I have kept him as a long term FWB : )

Oooh interesting.

My partner of a similar age says he now doesn't. Not sure if I 100% believe him; this thread is therefore relevant personally, albeit I've wanted to ask this to men on here pre-him.

He says he has done intermittently but consistently (does that make sense), mostly when single. All sorts of reasons he says he now doesn't, some no doubt because of me!

But, he claims to have only liked the more 'gentle' or erotic type, nothing even remotely violent or extreme. Not even penetration. I would say I do believe this as a result of how he is in bed. Very different to many other lovers.

To be fair. A bit of an erotic revelation in middle age.

@MyOtherNameIsMyName

It's a no from me because the plots are under developed and I can't follow the subtitles

Genuine question. Why is it unethical?

As a woman, I wouldn’t mind my partner watching porn. I’d watch it with him!! Lol I’m confident in myself and porn isn’t a threat to me. I also understand men are full of testosterone it’s Mother Nature for them to release. It’s not cheating it’s totally natural

As a woman, you’re missing the point .

I agree completely with @babdoc. Porn now is violent, abusive, women are just meat. Porn is a threat to me because men who watch this type of porn will behave like this in real life. I don’t want to meet a man, and i especially don’t want my daughters to meet men who think anal, strangulation etc is “normal”, and when a woman says no she loves it really…very little porn shows womens pleasure or how to make a woman achieve orgasm- it’s all about the mighty penis and women being subservient to it’s wants.

Women are never treated with respect in porn. It’s grabbing, holding heads still while their mouths and throats are fucked, no visible consent…

Add to that you have no idea who is underage, who is being trafficked, who is being forced for whatever reason. Even if they consent to appearing in porn, how many are pressured or forced into sex acts, or don’t feel able to say no when they consent to straight sex and find their “co-star” attempting anal during filming.

Porn when I was young was often posed photos and storyboard type. The odd bored housewife type of video. Increasingly I have become more anti over the years as it has moved into it’s current form. It’s vile.

Dh does watch porn, but he doesn’t like watching men. So he mainly watches home made masturbation type stuff. Which at least doesn’t have men throwing women around like fuck dolls.

I'm a man, no longer young, but I watch porn from time to time, though I do agree with previous posters that much of it is repetitive, unrealistic and exploitative. But watching genuine consensual love making - which does sometimes appear on amateur porn sites - is like looking at beautiful scenery, very pleasing. Personally I don't think that porn has a negative impact on my sex life with my DW, I have been pleasantly surprised to find that even though I am now the wrong side of 60 there has been little change in that department as the years advance.

@bunglebells not heterosexual, not asexual, just not sexually attracted to random naked strangers.

Babdoc - spot on.
This what i remember as a teen. Looking at porn mags and reading the stories

I have no idea what mags are like today but imagine there is no resemblance to those of the 80’s

@MoodyMooToo

Genuine question. Why is it unethical?

Because some actors (often the women) aren't there through actual free choice, and many people don't bother researching the people they're watching, or the producers to make sure they're consuming content where producers have made certain the women are there because they want to be and not because they've been coerced.

So many sad stories from women who have gotten out of the porn industry ending up wjth PTSD, being pressured into sex acts they didn't want to do when they've turned up on set and told they'd never get work again if they refuse. Some actors end up taking drugs to take the edge off some scenes. A lot of people don't research the people making the content or want to pay for "ethical" porn, and just drop their their pants to the first title that grabs their attention on porn hub. Which has had its own problems with underage and illegal content being uploaded in the past.

The titles of the most popular stuff on pornhub are violent and often incestuous now too. Young boys easily access this stuff and worrying seem to be getting their sex education from it and then repeating what they see with their girlfriends. There was ana reticle a few years ago where a GP spoke of teenage girls presenting with anal injuries, some permanent because after their boyfriends have copied porn.

Many parents aren't talking to their children about porn and I think many don't realise just how grim and violent and degrading to women much the mainstream content is and how it's only a click away.

That's just some of the unethical reasons.

Not all, some will be in the industry through free choice and well paid, just like prostitutes and escorts, some are there through free choice but many aren't and it's a lot of people don't care enough to find out beforehand if they're ranking to someone being raped or using a sex worker who is there because she's been coerced or desperate.

I don't watch porn. I am far from a prude but it does nothing for me.

Is it an age thing? I'm mid 50's and porn was not as accessible when I was young and when my modus operandi was established.

I got married mid twenties, having lived at home prior to that. Therefore I have never had the privacy to watch porn. Throughout my life it was mum, wife or 3 DC's that always seem concerned if I'm missing for more than 30 seconds. Now there's only DW but the die is cast.

My last stab at my mentality is that I'm a pragmatist, I have been in literally loads of lap bars (in the US) through my job. I have never paid for a dance or even watched one after the first few minutes. This is because I know the performer may look sexy, but they are really thinking about the gas bill and whether they need the baby sitter to stay late. Same for porn people, it's all fake and I can't get past that.

My husband doesn't watch it and it's actually him who made me realise how grim and horrible it can be. He has no need to lie to me, I didn't have a problem with it when we met, I was ok with it, it was his deal breaker, not mine.

He's ended nights out and friendships when some have wanted to go and purchase the cheapest escort they can find to "share" on stag nights and weekends away.

@YRGAM I have also noticed that there are a lot more men on the sex board than anything else!

I'm not a man so not much use to your question in honesty. I could imagine men don't watch porn for a number of reasons though; they think it's degrading, doesn't turn them on, prefer the real thing, have a good sexlife. I'm just guessing.

No idea about my partners porn usage and don't want to know. I know he's watched porn in the past and assume he may do occasionally but I'd rather not ask. In honesty I'm not sure when he would do it. We are home together a lot, both work from home, go to bed together... Unless it's during the mornings when I get up with DS. We do have a regukar sex life though ranging from around 3-6 times a week and he's quite a bit older than me and says he doesn't need sex daily.

If I tire him out, he hopefully wouldn't need to watch it though 🤣
I'm not hugely against him occasionally watching it but would have a huge issue if it was onlyfans/interactive real women. Then I'd leave him.

I'm a woman. But all my exes and male friends watch porn. I do sometimes, I understand there are problems with it but still...

EXH Used to watch it on occasion and sometimes we'd watch it together at his request. It wasn't a problem for us, or for me specifically, and so I wasn't really bothered. That being said he had a sex drive through the roof which could be tedious at times.

Current DP; I would be 99.9% sure in saying that he doesn't watch it. He's a lovely gentle guy and as much as we have a very fulfilling relationship his sex drive isn't at the forefront and accepts the occasional 'no' from me without issue ever. He's the first guy I've ever been in a relationship with who has NEVER once pestered or sulked about sex.

@Notonthenewrug

If I tire him out, he hopefully wouldn't need to watch it though 🤣 I'm not hugely against him occasionally watching it but would have a huge issue if it was onlyfans/interactive real women. Then I'd leave him.

Yes. Is anyone ok with that? I need to start more threads maybe rather than introduce that question... but I'm also intrigued (for personal but also wider reasons) as to...of the men that watch porn, how many of them also do interactive/only fans. I think I sometimes have assumed that for men that are "into" porn, t might be an easy step to take. But do many men never do that, as in, it's just not of interest? I would imagine that the more real the better if porn is your thing? And if so, then that's a huge issue in relationships (and even out of them, I would say, as it's direct contact with a "sex worker")

@DrMorbius

I don't watch porn. I am far from a prude but it does nothing for me.

Is it an age thing? I'm mid 50's and porn was not as accessible when I was young and when my modus operandi was established.

I got married mid twenties, having lived at home prior to that. Therefore I have never had the privacy to watch porn. Throughout my life it was mum, wife or 3 DC's that always seem concerned if I'm missing for more than 30 seconds. Now there's only DW but the die is cast.

My last stab at my mentality is that I'm a pragmatist, I have been in literally loads of lap bars (in the US) through my job. I have never paid for a dance or even watched one after the first few minutes. This is because I know the performer may look sexy, but they are really thinking about the gas bill and whether they need the baby sitter to stay late. Same for porn people, it's all fake and I can't get past that.

Very interesting. Just not been on your radar I suppose. Probably rare? Do you think so as a man - that you're unusual

Also the visiting strip clubs for work but not really being into them. Is that a thing? I've heard men, including partners, say that it's not at all erotic. Again, maybe my assumption is... naked women dancing = mind blown/ethics out of the window/titillation... but I suspect I'm doing many men a disservice? What do you think?