Calling you MEN of Mumsnet

[bunglebells]

Ok, this post isn't to get into a huge ethical debate... but I've actually been wanting to ask it for years. Am assuming it might have been done but I couldn't find it!

Those of you that don't use PORN. Could you tell me why? As in, don't like it, gone off it, ethical reasons, feels wrong, because partner doesn't like it.

So many threads on here about porn. And most seem to end up with women who say their partners don't watch it, being told they're naive. I don't particularly want to get into that debate, but would be very interested to hear if there are men who really really don't, and obviously then, why?!

For the record and upfront. I'm anti I suppose. Prefer not to have it in my relationship. Have experienced relationships where men do, and some where they (allegedly) don't. Of these, some I've believed, others I haven't. But that's besides the point.

Don't want a bun fight, just genuinely really interested and intrigued.

I don't use it.

It doesn't interest me at all. I just do not get turned on by videos or pictures of people having sex.

80s and 90s style magazines, like Penthouse are more stimulating. I mean magazines where there would be a four or five page photoshoot of a naked woman in different poses, not having sex with a man. But it wouldn't bother me if I never saw such a magazine again (indeed, I haven't for decades).

I bought an actual porn movie on VHS when I was 18. Watched a bit, was bored to tears and sold it back to the shop for half price.

As well as its not turning me on at all, I've no desire to watch anybody being forced or even pressured to have sex. I suppose there might be ethical porn put there but I can't be bothered to look.

Lastly, I always imagine porn websites to be riddled with viruses.

So, what's to like about it? I can live without it quite happily. The person who lived in a house before me about fifteen years ago had obviously subscribed to a lingerie catalogue, as I got one in the mail every two months, and I always had a read of that. But videos of people having sex are not for me.

My wife watches it sometimes. I only have one group of friends with whom I'm close enough to discuss this kind of topic, and they all watch it, and consider me odd for not doing so. Of the rest of my friends, I'd say about a quarter I can't imagine watching it, and would be amazed if they did. The rest could be either way.

Just asked hubby about this (as I’m pretty sure he watches privately but I don’t mind, it’s just natural for them with their testosterone to need that release) and he said the more slamming extreme porn was “better” to men because they could just “expelliarmus their goo” (yes he said that😜) quicker and go on with their day. Compared it to a quick snack and said “watching some romantic shit” would take longer and be like going out for a 3 course meal that took half an hour to arrive lol.

Honestly porns normal. Just don’t think about it, men have always done stuff like this.

Anyways I’d rather my hubby masturbate to some women he’ll never meet in an extreme situation he’ll never be in that “use his imagination” and imagine regular sex with the gold looking neighbour, or our kids teacher or the hot mum at the school pickup.

If porn ruins men’s imaginations when masturbating I say good. It’s men’s imaginations that lead to real life affairs.

@Goosesgoose

Anyways I’d rather my hubby masturbate to some women he’ll never meet in an extreme situation he’ll never be in that “use his imagination” and imagine regular sex with the gold looking neighbour, or our kids teacher or the hot mum at the school pickup.

If porn ruins men’s imaginations when masturbating I say good. It’s men’s imaginations that lead to real life affairs.

Yes cause men totally don’t jack off to the 25 yr old porn star who looks like the girl at work whilst imagining her amd fantasising about them the next day

@Goosesgoose

Just asked hubby about this (as I’m pretty sure he watches privately but I don’t mind, it’s just natural for them with their testosterone to need that release) and he said the more slamming extreme porn was “better” to men because they could just “expelliarmus their goo” (yes he said that😜) quicker and go on with their day. Compared it to a quick snack and said “watching some romantic shit” would take longer and be like going out for a 3 course meal that took half an hour to arrive lol.

Honestly porns normal. Just don’t think about it, men have always done stuff like this.

That’s a repellent comment from your husband. His ‘quick snack’ of ‘slamming extreme porn’ may well involve some actual real woman being choked or spat on or dehumanised or subjected to other kinds of violence.

He should think about what it says about him that he’s fine with that, and you should think about why you think it’s ‘natural’.

@strawing
Yep, 1000%

I can't describe how many ways I find goose's post disgusting.

I think she's been reading MRA manuals. Men's testosterone doesn't need 'releasing'. Their imagination isn't what gets them in trouble, it's their inability to imagine the women around them are fully developed humans with feelings, preferences and rights, rather than fuck socks to be manipulated into place. Obviously NAMALT.

He should think about what it says about him that he’s fine with that, and you should think about why you think it’s ‘natural’

Yep. Any man who thinks watching women being sexually abused, coerced, trafficked etc is fine if it gets his rocks off quickly, is not the sort of man I want anything to do with.

Does he not think about how this kind of “slamming extreme porn” is made, and how the women involved are treated?

@picklemewalnuts

I can't describe how many ways I find goose's post disgusting.

I think she's been reading MRA manuals. Men's testosterone doesn't need 'releasing'. Their imagination isn't what gets them in trouble, it's their inability to imagine the women around them are fully developed humans with feelings, preferences and rights, rather than fuck socks to be manipulated into place. Obviously NAMALT.

Gosh. I said I wouldn't comment on the ethics here as am really enjoying hearing honesty and gaining some from men.

But this post from a woman is actually repulsive. Incredible what is acceptable to some.

@BadLad

I don't use it.

It doesn't interest me at all. I just do not get turned on by videos or pictures of people having sex.

80s and 90s style magazines, like Penthouse are more stimulating. I mean magazines where there would be a four or five page photoshoot of a naked woman in different poses, not having sex with a man. But it wouldn't bother me if I never saw such a magazine again (indeed, I haven't for decades).

I bought an actual porn movie on VHS when I was 18. Watched a bit, was bored to tears and sold it back to the shop for half price.

As well as its not turning me on at all, I've no desire to watch anybody being forced or even pressured to have sex. I suppose there might be ethical porn put there but I can't be bothered to look.

Lastly, I always imagine porn websites to be riddled with viruses.

So, what's to like about it? I can live without it quite happily. The person who lived in a house before me about fifteen years ago had obviously subscribed to a lingerie catalogue, as I got one in the mail every two months, and I always had a read of that. But videos of people having sex are not for me.

My wife watches it sometimes. I only have one group of friends with whom I'm close enough to discuss this kind of topic, and they all watch it, and consider me odd for not doing so. Of the rest of my friends, I'd say about a quarter I can't imagine watching it, and would be amazed if they did. The rest could be either way.

Interesting and probably a surprise to many women. Obviously some men just do not like it.

Without being too gross... when you "read" the catalogue... I'm assuming that's a euphemism? So in a way, you do masturbate to images, just not mainstream porn?

That did make me laugh a little. Reminds me of most teenagers first glimpses in the 70s... Kay's catalogue!

Not really. Nothing can compete with what I can conjure up in my imagination. I've never needed visual stimulation for that. Looking at a picture of a woman might start me off feeling that way, but if I wanted to do that, I'd then put it down, take myself off to bed and use my imagination.

What is now the first thing people think about when they hear the word "porn" - videos of people having sex - just bored me.

@RainLol @Pinkbucket I have total respect for women as people. Now I want to write "not all men etc" but I totally accept that there are a load of men out there with unpleasant attitudes (and some men do horrible things) - I just really don't think that I'm one of them. I count myself as a feminist. I would never watch porn that seemed unethical. I think that I can tell the difference, but I accept that I could be wrong. I know that you might not believe me and that's fair enough.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]**@RainLol* @Pinkbucket* I have total respect for women as people. Now I want to write "not all men etc" but I totally accept that there are a load of men out there with unpleasant attitudes (and some men do horrible things) - I just really don't think that I'm one of them. I count myself as a feminist. I would never watch porn that seemed unethical. I think that I can tell the difference, but I accept that I could be wrong. I know that you might not believe me and that's fair enough.[/quote]
Weather or not you are a good man is besides the point.
The point is that men do not get to draw the line who are the good ones and who are not.
The same way white people can’t draw the line who is racist.
Or straight people telling what makes or doesn’t make someone homophobic.
Of course everyone thinks they are the good one’s.

Also, ”feminist” really doesn’t mean anything anymore.
Male or female.

For me
I used to sometimes watch porn, working away from home - helped me get to sleep relieve sexual tension
I am lucky to have a lovely wife with a very closely matched sex drive
We used to have phone sex / video when both had good Wi-Fi !
Now retired (early)
We make love 5-10 time a week so really have not much energy or inclination left for extra sex

@RainLol OK, fair enough. Maybe I can say "I try to be a good man, I try to treat women with total respect" and accept that I don't get to be the judge of whether I'm succeeding or not.

Gooses post puts me in mind of the ‘any bloke will do , just so long as I’ve got one’ mentality. If my H said that to me I would be totally disgusted. There seem to be an awful lot of women prepared to accept any old shitty standards from a bloke, just as long as they have one . Maybe their options are more limited. It’s not the fact he watches porn at all, it’s the matter of fact way he said extreme stuff was better.!

Here's another analogy as to why people might use porn.
It is perfectly possible for many people to relax, purely on their own. Some people might choose to drink wine to facilitate it.

I am female @bunglebells so not the target of your post but I find it interesting to ask why do people use porn. I think it serves a purpose (we won’t debate the ethics, as you say) as it is a visual experience that will appeal to many people. We know that men are typically more visual than women so this might be why it appeals to them more. It would be interesting to know if more women used books (contemporary romance/erotica) for the same purpose. Generally, do women need less of a visual stimulation but more of their imagination to create the same feelings?
I know lots of women on here post about catching their DH masturbating to porn and often feel their men don’t find them attractive etc. I think masturbation serves a different purpose to sex and it’s totally fine for either the man or the women to be enjoying masturbation, with or without porn.
I’m in my late 40s and I have a teenage daughter and I’ve been thinking about what we get taught at school and by our parents about sex. I can’t ever remember being told that sex was really nice and enjoyable as a girl. I just remember the discussions being all around STIs and not getting pregnant. This almost put a shadow over the whole event and I’m sure it has contributed to the shame and lack of confidence that women feel. I believe now that teens/emerging adults use porn in those early years to find out about sex. How to do it, what’s normal and what works. Maybe if we were better at explaining sex to our teens, they wouldn’t feel the need to gain this education via porn, which can be extreme at times.
I also feel people use porn to satisfy their curiosity, eg, watching same sex couples even if they are in a heterosexual relationship.
I do find it all rather interesting and it fascinates me how we approach or don’t approach sex, in society as a whole.
Good thread OP - interesting discussions.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@RainLol OK, fair enough. Maybe I can say "I try to be a good man, I try to treat women with total respect" and accept that I don't get to be the judge of whether I'm succeeding or not.[/quote]
I think this is fair and self aware

There are more dangerous habits than porn though
b3ta.com/links/Man_gets_WW2_mortar_stuck_up_his_arse

We know that men are typically more visual than women

That has been debunked.
What we do know is that men are NOT any more visual than women.

Let’s put that nonsense excuse to rest.

Very occasional male porn user here. Have healthy libido/sex life with gf.

I made a conscious effort to knock it on the head around 7 years back. Though far from addicted and I only view what would be considered soft, I was wasting too much time using it and felt it was holding back from pursuing women and relationships. I felt like my libido was artificially high, my energy was low, and it had become a bad habit.

I only use it now as a relaxation tool and sleep aid when particularly stressed. Imagination is better and more pleasurable, but sometimes I'll just want something visual.

@Angled

Very occasional male porn user here. Have healthy libido/sex life with gf.

I made a conscious effort to knock it on the head around 7 years back. Though far from addicted and I only view what would be considered soft, I was wasting too much time using it and felt it was holding back from pursuing women and relationships. I felt like my libido was artificially high, my energy was low, and it had become a bad habit.

I only use it now as a relaxation tool and sleep aid when particularly stressed. Imagination is better and more pleasurable, but sometimes I'll just want something visual.

How often do you use it now? Are you honest about it? Does it make you feel that you have succumbed, or are you relaxed about it?

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]**@RainLol* @Pinkbucket* I have total respect for women as people. Now I want to write "not all men etc" but I totally accept that there are a load of men out there with unpleasant attitudes (and some men do horrible things) - I just really don't think that I'm one of them. I count myself as a feminist. I would never watch porn that seemed unethical. I think that I can tell the difference, but I accept that I could be wrong. I know that you might not believe me and that's fair enough.[/quote]
I wasn’t implying that you would . My point was the websites you are almost certainly using are well known for having abusive and illegal material on them . Why would you be ok supporting such sites . Surely your aware of all trouble many of the sites have been in over this kind of stuff .
And if your going to say that you don’t use sites that allow such material how do you know for sure that the ‘actresses’ you watch are of legal age and consent was given
Load of women have videos ( that were made within the context of relationships privately ) posted without consent . You simply have no way of knowing

@Whatliesbeneath707 an yoh please provide links to any science showing men are ‘more visual’

As to women ‘catching their husbands and feeling that it has something to do with their attractiveness . I think this is totally understandable. Many many men are interested in the way the porn women look and seek out physical attributes they see that their partner doesn’t ‘ have ‘ we even have even had one man say one of the reasons he doesn’t use it has to do with his wife being an underwear model . So obviously in some men’s heads at least there’s something about how their partner looks that either justifies it or not
It’s really dismissive to women to pretend that has nothing to do with it .
If the way the women looked wasn’t important to the viewers the female porn stars wouldn’t be catagoriesd like meat (big breasts small breasts , big butts , tall , nationalities , hair colour , age , it goes on and on ) into all the groups that the male porn stars simply are not .