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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Calling you MEN of Mumsnet

258 replies

bunglebells · 02/12/2021 11:44

Ok, this post isn't to get into a huge ethical debate... but I've actually been wanting to ask it for years. Am assuming it might have been done but I couldn't find it!

Those of you that don't use PORN. Could you tell me why? As in, don't like it, gone off it, ethical reasons, feels wrong, because partner doesn't like it.

So many threads on here about porn. And most seem to end up with women who say their partners don't watch it, being told they're naive. I don't particularly want to get into that debate, but would be very interested to hear if there are men who really really don't, and obviously then, why?!

For the record and upfront. I'm anti I suppose. Prefer not to have it in my relationship. Have experienced relationships where men do, and some where they (allegedly) don't. Of these, some I've believed, others I haven't. But that's besides the point.

Don't want a bun fight, just genuinely really interested and intrigued. Smile

OP posts:
EnigmaCat · 02/12/2021 20:16

Most commercial porn seems fake, exploitative and abusive to me and anything coercive or violent is abhorrent.
I don't find someone elses idea of a 'perfect' body and fake orgasms particularly exciting either.
However, ordinary couples and swingers home videos can be fun, there are some exhibitionists out there. I find people who look average (real) more sexy.
A friend of mine said she found some of these homemade videos "quite liberating" because the people have normal bodies.

Original poster
bunglebells · 02/12/2021 20:24

@FabulousMrFifty

Another 50’s man. As an adolescent porn was something on the top shelf in the local newsagent, and the internet was not a “thing”, so I guess I was not exposed to such hardcore stuff in the way young men are now. Also the online stuff (would be liar to say I hadn’t looked), seems so brutal and unrealistic Finally I don’t really understand the purpose of it, as in if you were hungry you wouldn’t look in the window of a restaurant watching people eating, you would go in and eat, so if you are in the mood for sex why would you watch other people having sex ?
I get your point. I feel like this too to some extent, but have found it has turned me on (uncomfortably as I'd prefer if it hadn't have). That said I have no interest or inclination.

I think the same about strip clubs. Ethics aside - and I think they're grim on every level. What's the point?

OP posts:
Original poster
bunglebells · 02/12/2021 20:25

@mangobrains

Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I know it's gone but I'm impressed you joined. And the noise sounds pretty grim! Hope you knocked the wall.
OP posts:
Original poster
bunglebells · 02/12/2021 20:27

@Slackbladder22

I’ve never really been into watching porn videos, always seemed a bit fake and cheesy to me. But I do like looking at photos that would be classed as soft porn I guess.

What really gets me going though is reading porn stories. Not sure why and judging from chats with mates it’s probably unusual, but then such chats always get quite laddy anyway so you’re never sure how real they are.

Is it true that men talk about porn a lot? I can't imagine discussing what I'd masturbated to in a group chat with my mates?

How detailed do men get? And would you say to your mates you don't watch porn?

OP posts:
Dadalus · 02/12/2021 20:42

@FabulousMrFifty

Another 50’s man. As an adolescent porn was something on the top shelf in the local newsagent, and the internet was not a “thing”, so I guess I was not exposed to such hardcore stuff in the way young men are now. Also the online stuff (would be liar to say I hadn’t looked), seems so brutal and unrealistic Finally I don’t really understand the purpose of it, as in if you were hungry you wouldn’t look in the window of a restaurant watching people eating, you would go in and eat, so if you are in the mood for sex why would you watch other people having sex ?
No you wouldn't stand outside a restaurant hungry, but you might put Nigella on the TV while you were eating your beans on toast.
EnigmaCat · 02/12/2021 20:54

Dadalus
No you wouldn't stand outside a restaurant hungry, but you might put Nigella on the TV while you were eating your beans on toast.

Like the analogy Grin

Slackbladder22 · 02/12/2021 21:04

Well if it is discussed it’s not in a serious way, only kind of oneupmanship that a lot of blokes get into. Who’s seen the most gross porn etc, that kind of thing.

Don’t think I’ve ever told any of them I don’t watch it, we don’t really talk about it that much anymore. I’m early 40s by the way.

I guess it got talked about more when we were younger and single/more horny.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 02/12/2021 21:20

I used to watch it until 5 or so years ago but got a bit fed up of it as it was a bit of a bad habit to have and a waste of time. Looking back it was also annoying that I'd be watching others have a good shag on the screen doing things that my wife wouldn't do (she's very very vanilla).

I was never interested in anything extreme and was a bit weirded out by some of it.

I guess I started watching it because it's attractive to watch and turned me on, as simple as that but I don't miss it and the urges went away a long time ago.

FabulousMrFifty · 02/12/2021 21:29

@Slackbladder22

Well if it is discussed it’s not in a serious way, only kind of oneupmanship that a lot of blokes get into. Who’s seen the most gross porn etc, that kind of thing.

Don’t think I’ve ever told any of them I don’t watch it, we don’t really talk about it that much anymore. I’m early 40s by the way.

I guess it got talked about more when we were younger and single/more horny.

I think men talk about sex in a very laddish way without actually talking about at all.

Whereas women seem to be almost matter of fact about the subject

HipPriest · 02/12/2021 21:35

I watch porn, occassionally with partner. The range and volume freely available is eye watering! Thats why it seems odd to me when ppl characterise it as all violent and degrading. Personally i enjoy watching beautiful people having sex

Allsortsofroses · 02/12/2021 22:46

Finally I don’t really understand the purpose of it, as in if you were hungry you wouldn’t look in the window of a restaurant watching people eating, you would go in and eat, so if you are in the mood for sex why would you watch other people having sex ?

Because its a masturbation aid ... and people masturbate (sometimes through lack of sexual partner, sometimes whether they have a sexual partner or not).

Masturbation is totally different from sex.

(though some men do treat it the same, and them having sex is just them using someone else's body to masturbate).

Allsortsofroses · 02/12/2021 22:48

Also people can watch scenarios they'd be extremely unlikely to get involved, which they're curious about or turned on by.

Allsortsofroses · 02/12/2021 22:52

I went out with a man who didn't use porn.

He is writing total technophobe so dhdbr have the opportunity to access online porn, even if he'd wanted to .

He said get seej the odd video but it did Di much for him. He said he masturbated using memorable or recent sexual encounters of his.

This would seem like a positive thing, but ironically He was all the most jealous, possessive, insecure, controlling man I've ever tried to have relationship with. He also wanked at least once a day and was sexually huffy/coercive.

Go figure.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 02/12/2021 22:55

@bunglebells yes I think he's being honest, he was quite open before that he did and that job really affected him, even with clinical supervision etc, he struggled towards the end. He moved on after about five years but still works with quite damaged, psychologically complex people. He took his dad and mine on his stag do as an added prevention/excuse to stop mates trying to 'persuade' him to go to a strip club. It's not something he shouts about or tries to get brownie points for and I know him as well as I could know anyone, so I'm pretty sure, can never be 100% though I suppose!
I've had exes before say they don't but are clearly lying or just trying to say the right thing

tarasmalatarocks · 02/12/2021 23:09

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus. That’s what pisses me off— just be honest and upfront and allow me to decide if it’s a dealbreaker — I think men think that unlike gambling or smoking or an alcoholic or a coke user- because it’s free - then it isn’t a dealbreaker— it really is for some women

Pinkbucket · 02/12/2021 23:59

@HipPriest

I watch porn, occassionally with partner. The range and volume freely available is eye watering! Thats why it seems odd to me when ppl characterise it as all violent and degrading. Personally i enjoy watching beautiful people having sex
I don’t know many people who would claim ALL porn is exploitative . I would t . The issue many people have with it is that there is loads of explorative abd even illegal stuff that is peppered through the mainstream ‘ videos . There is simply no way of knowing that a ‘barely legal teen ‘ for example is legal or that an amateur video is not posted without consent as there’s so much revenge porn out there Very few porn watches seem to care about how they will ensure they are not supporting sites that allow that type of content, or even how they will ensure they are not ‘accidentally ‘ viewing it In theory Watching beautiful consenting people having sex is fine , however the porn industry ( including amateur porn ) is riddled with mysogyny , a terrible track record of how women are treated and even illega abuse and are very problematic.
Pinkbucket · 03/12/2021 00:01

*Exploitative and illegal stuff

ReadyforTakeOff · 03/12/2021 00:41

Pornhub is the 8th most popular website in the UK.

Says it all really and anyone is naive to think their husband/bf etc has never seen it. They may not watch it regularly of course.

The stats are hard to ignore.

Pinkbucket · 03/12/2021 01:35

@ReadyforTakeOff

Pornhub is the 8th most popular website in the UK.

Says it all really and anyone is naive to think their husband/bf etc has never seen it. They may not watch it regularly of course.

The stats are hard to ignore.

In what year , can you show those stats please In 2020 17th most popular in 2020 ( is 2021 stars out before it’s finished ?) well below Twitter and I know plenty of people who don’t use Twitter

Either way Doesn’t speak to the content

MoonbeamsGlittering · 03/12/2021 02:50

@bunglebells "I'm not suggesting you necessarily should, but why bother if it leaves you feeling a bit off ultimately?"

I have a much higher sex drive than my wife, so I end up sorting myself out on my own often. It can get a bit depressing that I'm more often on my own than with her, so sometimes I start to think that something visually exciting would be a more interesting experience than just imagination every time. Sometimes I forget about the comedown that's likely to arrive after the initial excitement wears off.

No, I don't think it has had any impact on my attitudes to women. But I'm old enough not to have had internet in early teens - I don't know whether a load of porn exposure at a younger age might have had a negative effect, if I'd grown up in more recent times. I do wonder about things for today's younger people.

RainLol · 03/12/2021 08:35

I don't think it has had any impact on my attitudes to women.

I wouldn’t leave it to a man/men to say anything about their attitudes about women…

Pinkbucket · 03/12/2021 08:47

@RainLol

I don't think it has had any impact on my attitudes to women.

I wouldn’t leave it to a man/men to say anything about their attitudes about women…

Yep , never met a person who watches porn and says ‘yeah it changes my attitudes on women’ then again , gotta wonder what the attitude is if one is happy to support an industry well known for abuse of women and girls
FabulousMrFifty · 03/12/2021 08:52

@Allsortsofroses

Finally I don’t really understand the purpose of it, as in if you were hungry you wouldn’t look in the window of a restaurant watching people eating, you would go in and eat, so if you are in the mood for sex why would you watch other people having sex ?

Because its a masturbation aid ... and people masturbate (sometimes through lack of sexual partner, sometimes whether they have a sexual partner or not).

Masturbation is totally different from sex.

(though some men do treat it the same, and them having sex is just them using someone else's body to masturbate).

Thanks for the explanation about porn being a masturbation aid, Iwould never had guessed that ….

The point I was trying to make (and clearly missed), was more around perceptions and experiences, when I was a teen (in the 80’s), mainstream porn was, what is probably now known as soft porn, and was purchased from WHSmith, with some limited age control, and now TV shows like Outlander are probably at the same kinda level in terms of nudity.

Where what is now “mainstream”, porn seems to be so pervasive, available on any device at any time in almost in location.

Maybe that’s why my perception of porn now seems to feel so out of date because my main experience of it is also from over 20 years ago

picklemewalnuts · 03/12/2021 09:02

Yes, mainstream tv is now what was once called porn. Bit worrying for the future, that. There's a concern in me about transgression. We seem need a bit of transgression to add excitement. Now 'everything goes', there's to be no 'kink shaming'- what will we do for kicks? It gets more and more extreme.

On a different note... why does anyone need an aid to masturbation? If you aren't in the mood, don't do it. If you're in the mood, you don't need an aid.

Can anyone explain that to me? I realise I'm missing something.

tarasmalatarocks · 03/12/2021 09:12

@picklemewalnuts. Because I think most men have now lost the ability to use their imagination when it comes to wanking