Calling you MEN of Mumsnet

[bunglebells]

Ok, this post isn't to get into a huge ethical debate... but I've actually been wanting to ask it for years. Am assuming it might have been done but I couldn't find it!

Those of you that don't use PORN. Could you tell me why? As in, don't like it, gone off it, ethical reasons, feels wrong, because partner doesn't like it.

So many threads on here about porn. And most seem to end up with women who say their partners don't watch it, being told they're naive. I don't particularly want to get into that debate, but would be very interested to hear if there are men who really really don't, and obviously then, why?!

For the record and upfront. I'm anti I suppose. Prefer not to have it in my relationship. Have experienced relationships where men do, and some where they (allegedly) don't. Of these, some I've believed, others I haven't. But that's besides the point.

Don't want a bun fight, just genuinely really interested and intrigued.

Op, this isn't an assumption. This is what my Fiance has actually said to me. He does not take his phone in the bathroom when he has a bath, the nature of his work is such that he has no opportunity to stop what he is doing, watch porn and have a wank, when he comes home from work we have dinner and watch some TV and we go to bed. The thing is I was horrifically abused and my ex was addicted to it. He would ask me why I couldn't look like them and do the things they do. I was a size 8 and looked good (my self esteem is really poor and in my better moments I still actually look quite good but I could be the most beautiful person in the world and I would hate myself due to all of the physical, sexual, emotional, psychological abuse and coercive control I suffered). My Fiance knows all about this and is horrified by it. He knows all about the issues surrounding porn and does not like it. What pisses me off is people on here not believing me. He definitely doesn't watch it. I was married to two porn addicts and the signs are not there.

@RainLol. Strange thing is I’ve always been quite a liberal person when younger and a bit every now and then by a partner wouldn’t have bothered me that much, but as I’ve got older (now59) and found out my H (who once admitted to watching it very occasionally during a casual conversation when watching a programme) actually watches it virtually every day— I found it upsetting and a tremendous turn off — the lies about it for me are as bad as the daily watching if it. In his case there was no sign of it at all till he hit 50 plus— no magazines, no videos nothing. It’s the ease and secrecy of it that has made it possible for men to show their true selves and to be frank for me it’s made me realise that even the most ‘right on’ men can be pretty sleazy and compartmentalise their ethics when it comes to their dick . I do realise many women, especially younger women don’t have an issue, maybe because they are a bit more confident in their own looks etc— but I certainly do these days. I like to feel what I am buying into is what I’m actually getting— not a sanitised version with the crap side hidden. My H doesn’t know I know and I’m not going to confront because I’m still deciding what I want to do and it may involve splitting.

[quote tarasmalatarocks]@RainLol. Strange thing is I’ve always been quite a liberal person when younger and a bit every now and then by a partner wouldn’t have bothered me that much, but as I’ve got older (now59) and found out my H (who once admitted to watching it very occasionally during a casual conversation when watching a programme) actually watches it virtually every day— I found it upsetting and a tremendous turn off — the lies about it for me are as bad as the daily watching if it. In his case there was no sign of it at all till he hit 50 plus— no magazines, no videos nothing. It’s the ease and secrecy of it that has made it possible for men to show their true selves and to be frank for me it’s made me realise that even the most ‘right on’ men can be pretty sleazy and compartmentalise their ethics when it comes to their dick . I do realise many women, especially younger women don’t have an issue, maybe because they are a bit more confident in their own looks etc— but I certainly do these days. I like to feel what I am buying into is what I’m actually getting— not a sanitised version with the crap side hidden. My H doesn’t know I know and I’m not going to confront because I’m still deciding what I want to do and it may involve splitting.[/quote]
Oh gosh. Awful. And linked to the above.

I think that many many men lie. Like your man. Easy to say "now and again" when many are addicted. Keep watching. I agree it's the lies. I can see why they lie.... blah blah, know you'd disapprove etc. But ffs we are not their mothers. If you like it, own it! Be honest. And then talk about that. Is it a dealbreaker or not. Could you stop? Just awful that it's daily and he thinks you don't know.

Female and the wrong side of 60 but late DH saw a bit of porn when he was younger and he said, "You've seen one, you've seen them all," and he said it always went too far, ie violence etc which wasn't for him. He was a decent chap and IMHO decent men do not enjoy watching women being choked, spat/shat on or violently buggered.

He preferred to watch cricket, go fishing or do a crossword puzzle.

@fantasmasgoria1

Op, this isn't an assumption. This is what my Fiance has actually said to me. He does not take his phone in the bathroom when he has a bath, the nature of his work is such that he has no opportunity to stop what he is doing, watch porn and have a wank, when he comes home from work we have dinner and watch some TV and we go to bed. The thing is I was horrifically abused and my ex was addicted to it. He would ask me why I couldn't look like them and do the things they do. I was a size 8 and looked good (my self esteem is really poor and in my better moments I still actually look quite good but I could be the most beautiful person in the world and I would hate myself due to all of the physical, sexual, emotional, psychological abuse and coercive control I suffered). My Fiance knows all about this and is horrified by it. He knows all about the issues surrounding porn and does not like it. What pisses me off is people on here not believing me. He definitely doesn't watch it. I was married to two porn addicts and the signs are not there.

That sounds dreadful. Hope you're ok. I'm not saying I don't believe you/him. I know I have been out with at least one man who I could bet my life on didn't watch porn. But, there are many men that do tell lies (white or otherwise) for an easy life.

Many right on men who do t do what they say.

I mostly believe my partner now. Maybe 98%. But I hear you if you know. Some of the replies (from men) on this thread should also give hope!

I read a thread a few weeks ago where a woman asked if it was possible to ever meet a man who didn't watch it. But obviously it was mostly women replying. I thought I'd try to get opinions straight from source on this thread!

Man in my mid 50s here...
I've been with my gf/ wife since we were 18. Never used porn ... I felt content with our relationship and porn felt disrespectful to women in general and specifically to my gf/ wife. I seen a few clips of movies but never stayed to watch the whole thing.. also seen the odd magazine, so was a bit inquisitive. My hormones would have been raging, but I had no desire to use porn for sexual gratification.
I do like romantic movies or even reading erotica.
In more recent years, as our own children were getting older, I did check our porn sites on line to understand how they could be accessed and blocked. I was amazed at what was available and shocked how much porn content had changed ... it has become so much more explicit, abusive and a lot more extreme. It looked so unreal, and not a turn on. Some of the "amateur content" was much more realistic, but even then it seems wrong as it could still be using exploited people, and so many people have been abused or have content put up against their will.

So in short, I've never been interested in porn due to respect for my wife and women in general.

@YRGAM

There is definitely a disproportionate amount of men commenting on the sex board, I have to say. It's a bit unnerving

I said this once on another thread and was immediately shot down that it wasn't true....Personally I would never comment on anything sex related over there 😒

I think you’re struggling to get many responses as it’s a controversial subject. On here the majority (I think) are anti porn, and you yourself are. It’s also often said that men who say they don’t use it are lying.

I can understand men not wanting to engage with a subject where even the person asking is against it, and many others will call him a liar.

For me, I’ll admit I’ve watched occasionally but as others have said, it’s all very fake at best, and violent and nasty at worst. The vast majority of it just isn’t for me.

@JohnDearBuckrake

Man in my mid 50s here... I've been with my gf/ wife since we were 18. Never used porn ... I felt content with our relationship and porn felt disrespectful to women in general and specifically to my gf/ wife. I seen a few clips of movies but never stayed to watch the whole thing.. also seen the odd magazine, so was a bit inquisitive. My hormones would have been raging, but I had no desire to use porn for sexual gratification. I do like romantic movies or even reading erotica. In more recent years, as our own children were getting older, I did check our porn sites on line to understand how they could be accessed and blocked. I was amazed at what was available and shocked how much porn content had changed ... it has become so much more explicit, abusive and a lot more extreme. It looked so unreal, and not a turn on. Some of the "amateur content" was much more realistic, but even then it seems wrong as it could still be using exploited people, and so many people have been abused or have content put up against their will.

So in short, I've never been interested in porn due to respect for my wife and women in general.

Awww.

Do you have a sense that you're unusual? As in compared to men you know/have known?

And, sorry if it's brutal, but when you looked online did you not feel arousal? Genuinely?

@BillMasen

I think you’re struggling to get many responses as it’s a controversial subject. On here the majority (I think) are anti porn, and you yourself are. It’s also often said that men who say they don’t use it are lying.

I can understand men not wanting to engage with a subject where even the person asking is against it, and many others will call him a liar.

For me, I’ll admit I’ve watched occasionally but as others have said, it’s all very fake at best, and violent and nasty at worst. The vast majority of it just isn’t for me.

Thanks for your thoughts. I am anti it. But .... admitted I have looked very very (yes really) occasionally in the past despite that! As a woman. I don't at all now.

I hoped this thread wouldn't be about the ethics, and agree it's controversial. There's loooooads of threads about porn on MN. And I agree nobody believes women that say their DPs don't watch it. I think many (well some) don't watch, but maybe we can all agree that some of them will be lying (lots of evidence of this, and I've experienced that in the past too).

I think it's been respectful up to now. I'm not here to debate porn. I'm really very interested in why men might not or might stop. And am really grateful to those that have replied - so genuinely thank you - either explaining why this is, or even fessing up to it.

I can't really say for certain f I'm unusual or not. I genuinely think many men are the same as myself.

Most of my peer group at school and uni would not have used porn back then. None of my peers or work colleagues now openly admit to using porn ... and wouldn't even distribute "risqué" images via watsapp.

But I'm old enough and wise enough to know that you never know whst is going on behind closed doors (especially a locked bathroom / office door 😉 )

Yes, looking online, some porn would have been arousing ... but definitely not the extreme/abusive/fake stuff - it was definitely a turn off for me.

We are a few generations moved on now, where porn is/had been much more readily available in the formative years for men. I don't know if that has had an impact or not for the men that are younger.

I'm a man and I would have been willing to quit porn completely if my wife had wanted me to, but she said that she wasn't bothered as long as I didn't choose it over her, so sometimes I watch it and sometimes I can go months without. I never lie to her and if she asked me to stop completely now then I would.

I never watch anything violent or anything like that, for ethical reasons and because it would just put me off anyway. I'd be happy with the kind of thing that might have been a late-night cable film back in the 90s - more just a bit of nudity than sex really.

If I do watch porn, it can be a turn-on for the first few minutes, but quickly I find myself feeling a bit pathetic that I'm watching women who were paid to do it rather than being with my wife (if I'm watching it it's because she's unavailable.) I think porn is a bit like eating sugar straight out of a sugar bag - it seems exciting at first but then you can feel nauseous after a bit.

@MoonbeamsGlittering

I'm a man and I would have been willing to quit porn completely if my wife had wanted me to, but she said that she wasn't bothered as long as I didn't choose it over her, so sometimes I watch it and sometimes I can go months without. I never lie to her and if she asked me to stop completely now then I would.

I never watch anything violent or anything like that, for ethical reasons and because it would just put me off anyway. I'd be happy with the kind of thing that might have been a late-night cable film back in the 90s - more just a bit of nudity than sex really.

If I do watch porn, it can be a turn-on for the first few minutes, but quickly I find myself feeling a bit pathetic that I'm watching women who were paid to do it rather than being with my wife (if I'm watching it it's because she's unavailable.) I think porn is a bit like eating sugar straight out of a sugar bag - it seems exciting at first but then you can feel nauseous after a bit.

Interesting. In my very limited experience I have felt the same. Just not right somehow.

I'm not suggesting you necessarily should, but why bother if it leaves you feeling a bit off ultimately? Obviously your wife isn't too bothered, but...

Do you feel it's ever had any impact on your life, relationship, attitudes to women? Just interested. Or is it compartmentalised.

'Tumbleweed rolls past'

My partner and I, been together 8 years don’t live together and see each other every 6 weeks or so. He’s mid 50’s and has a very high sex drive. Hence he watches porn a lot and I have no problem with this. I also watch it on my own and together with him. People have opinions of what is right or wrong for their particular situation as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, I don’t see anything wrong with it.

Used to, but haven't for a couple of years, mainly coinciding with wife's discovery of the feminism board on MN and her convincing me of the ethical harms. If I said it did nothing for me that would be BS though.

I'm not a man but can tell you my partner's perspective. He used to watch porn, even when we were first together and was open about it. He then changed careers and ended up in part working with victims of human trafficking. Opened his eyes massively, he is now staunchly against porn and selling sex of any kind because he's seen the reality for a lot of women, men and children.

@Mattsmum2

My partner and I, been together 8 years don’t live together and see each other every 6 weeks or so. He’s mid 50’s and has a very high sex drive. Hence he watches porn a lot and I have no problem with this. I also watch it on my own and together with him. People have opinions of what is right or wrong for their particular situation as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, I don’t see anything wrong with it.

Ok. That's fine if you're both fine with that.

I started the thread hoping it wouldn't become derailed by ethics or what people think is ok or not. Not because I don't care. I do. And over the 14 years I've been on here have contributed to many porn threads to discuss that.

I was super interested if men could come on and be able to talk honestly in the virtual company of women. Especially those that don't use it - either ever, or anymore. To get a h axle on whether these men exist (some think they don't), and if they do, then why?

Also interested in those that do, but that have mixed feelings about it. Not to shame them. But to listen to their thoughts and any dissonance.

I think it's turning into a super interesting thread.

*handle

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

I'm not a man but can tell you my partner's perspective. He used to watch porn, even when we were first together and was open about it. He then changed careers and ended up in part working with victims of human trafficking. Opened his eyes massively, he is now staunchly against porn and selling sex of any kind because he's seen the reality for a lot of women, men and children.

Do you completely believe him?

Not suggesting you shouldn't? Just interested.

I've had partners, including my current one, that have changed their minds. I'm quite vocal! Some I have believed... mostly as a result of their other ethics (so they'd not thought too much about it before, but when they did they realised it sat badly with their politics etc). Some I didn't really believe and thought they were lying for an easy life.

@Dadalus

Used to, but haven't for a couple of years, mainly coinciding with wife's discovery of the feminism board on MN and her convincing me of the ethical harms. If I said it did nothing for me that would be BS though.

Truthful. I'm an old school feminist. I've been anti porn most of my life. On a few very rare occasions (maybe 5 over 35 years) I've watched some. It turned me on. Hard to even admit that. But I don't think it's a mystery why it does it for (most) men.

The issue is despite that do men still chose not to.

I'm fascinated by those that say it does do nothing for them. I believe them. But. Wow!

@Hrpuffnstuff1

Just not arsed about it anymore. It's not real, strippers are the same, shite. Plus me and Mrs. Hr have an awesome sex life and she's an ex underwear model. Living the dream.

Great thread interesting to hear men’s reasons . I understand the great sex part but does your wife being an underwear model influence why you don’t use porn ? I find that comment one theres ring because women are constantly told that their appearance or lack their of has zero to do with why men look at porn and it’s just an’ natural ‘ thing for men to do Your inclusions of how your wifes body looks as a reason suggests that this is not true ?

I’ve never really been into watching porn videos, always seemed a bit fake and cheesy to me. But I do like looking at photos that would be classed as soft porn I guess.

What really gets me going though is reading porn stories. Not sure why and judging from chats with mates it’s probably unusual, but then such chats always get quite laddy anyway so you’re never sure how real they are.

Another 50’s man.
As an adolescent porn was something on the top shelf in the local newsagent, and the internet was not a “thing”, so I guess I was not exposed to such hardcore stuff in the way young men are now.
Also the online stuff (would be liar to say I hadn’t looked), seems so brutal and unrealistic
Finally I don’t really understand the purpose of it, as in if you were hungry you wouldn’t look in the window of a restaurant watching people eating, you would go in and eat, so if you are in the mood for sex why would you watch other people having sex ?