I have a situation that could really do with some level headed mumsnet wisdom please, before I try and navigate it, because I just don’t know if I have genuine cause for concern, or am just overthinking and being paranoid.
To set the scene. DW and I married for 10 years, with 2 primary school age children. We’ve always had a rock solid relationship with no issues.
We both have a shared interest/hobby, which she has gradually got into, as have the kids, and in recent years she has become the greater enthusiast. Through this she’s made a few new friends, male and female. but this is about one male friend in particular, let’s call him Steve.
DW has struck up a close friendship with Steve. I’ve had no problem with this up til now - she has lots of male friends. I’ve met Steve a couple of times and he seemed amiable and decent.
Steve is single and lives alone elsewhere in the country, but attends most of the events for this interest which happen in our area. My DW, a couple of years back started showing an interest in attending occasional events elsewhere in the country, and stays overnight at Steve’s on those occasions. Again I’ve had no problem with this, trust has never been an issue, and a I’ve never felt any reason to object.
However, recently a few red flags have started waving, that make me worry that there’s more to this friendship, like:
-These overnights at Steve’s have become more frequent, and have become full weekends rather than overnight stays. Two weekends on the trot now planned for after Christmas. This causes a bit of disruption to the kids hobbies/clubs, which I don’t mind now and then, but these weekends away now seem a greater priority to her than the kids clubs, time together as a couple, or anything else that could otherwise have been planned.
-She talks about him a lot. I don’t think she realises how much.
-They text each other a lot. I’m not privy to the contents of these conversations and have never considered it any of my business.
-There’s an event over the Christmas holiday that we’d talked about going to as a family. She seems to be steering me away from going though, insisting that youngest DC won’t want to go (youngest DC has told me he does want to go), which is weird.
There are other subtle little things but these are the main things bothering me.
I feel awful about it because I don’t want to poison the well by saying I’ve got an issue with it, or make her feel like she can’t be friends with who she wants, especially if it turns out that it’s all innocent. On the other hand their friendship is, at the very least, taking up enough space and time to be detrimental to family life. Not sure how I tackle this without implying some sort of impropriety on her part. Any advice, suggestions, head wobbling much appreciated.