Page 2 | Wife and male thread. Not sure about it

BonneMaman15 · 01/12/2021 21:42

On the issue of cheating:You won't get much out of speaking to her about it. If there is something going on, it's likely she'll be dismissive and minimise. I'm afraid the only way to know for sure is checking her phone.

On the issue of weekends: definitely discuss that the time away is impacting you as a couple and the children and needs to be reigned in.

I'm so sorry to say I do think she's cheating. 😔

ClosdesMouches · 01/12/2021 21:43

Agree with others. Too many red flags here.

CheeseCheesePls · 01/12/2021 21:51

@PermanentTemporary you have obviously never been cheated on? Because the unfaithful spouse will never admit to it without concrete evidence. They will gaslight you into thinking you're crazy, paranoid, and the chat will give them a chance to delete all messages before you get to it. So there you are, even deeper into the suspicion and lies.
Check her phone OP. Don't tell her you're suspicious before doing that.

WhenSepEnds · 01/12/2021 21:59

@Enginesear

I have a situation that could really do with some level headed mumsnet wisdom please, before I try and navigate it, because I just don’t know if I have genuine cause for concern, or am just overthinking and being paranoid.

To set the scene. DW and I married for 10 years, with 2 primary school age children. We’ve always had a rock solid relationship with no issues.

We both have a shared interest/hobby, which she has gradually got into, as have the kids, and in recent years she has become the greater enthusiast. Through this she’s made a few new friends, male and female. but this is about one male friend in particular, let’s call him Steve.
DW has struck up a close friendship with Steve. I’ve had no problem with this up til now - she has lots of male friends. I’ve met Steve a couple of times and he seemed amiable and decent.

Steve is single and lives alone elsewhere in the country, but attends most of the events for this interest which happen in our area. My DW, a couple of years back started showing an interest in attending occasional events elsewhere in the country, and stays overnight at Steve’s on those occasions. Again I’ve had no problem with this, trust has never been an issue, and a I’ve never felt any reason to object.

However, recently a few red flags have started waving, that make me worry that there’s more to this friendship, like:

-These overnights at Steve’s have become more frequent, and have become full weekends rather than overnight stays. Two weekends on the trot now planned for after Christmas. This causes a bit of disruption to the kids hobbies/clubs, which I don’t mind now and then, but these weekends away now seem a greater priority to her than the kids clubs, time together as a couple, or anything else that could otherwise have been planned.

-She talks about him a lot. I don’t think she realises how much.

-They text each other a lot. I’m not privy to the contents of these conversations and have never considered it any of my business.

-There’s an event over the Christmas holiday that we’d talked about going to as a family. She seems to be steering me away from going though, insisting that youngest DC won’t want to go (youngest DC has told me he does want to go), which is weird.

There are other subtle little things but these are the main things bothering me.

I feel awful about it because I don’t want to poison the well by saying I’ve got an issue with it, or make her feel like she can’t be friends with who she wants, especially if it turns out that it’s all innocent. On the other hand their friendship is, at the very least, taking up enough space and time to be detrimental to family life. Not sure how I tackle this without implying some sort of impropriety on her part. Any advice, suggestions, head wobbling much appreciated.

Sorry this is happening, you seem like a lovely person. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but that'a a fair few red flags for me

Nedclarity · 01/12/2021 22:00

It sounds like she may well be having an affair in plain sight. Does he stay with you when he comes to events in your town? Have you invited him over or been out for drinks with them together since she started sleeping at his? Has anything changed in your sex life, has she suddenly been working out more, bought new underwear…

You’re unlikely to find out just by asking her,d you may well be painted as the crazy jealous husband. Snooping is not nice but you’ll get your answer for sure. I think it’s quite inappropriate to be sleeping at a single man’s house, a man who she shares an interest with and enjoys spending time with. She’s not protecting your relationship. It’s a slippery slope and if nothing has happened yet then it likely will soon. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Nedclarity · 01/12/2021 22:04

I just realised the event you’re talking about is a ‘hobby’ event which you would go to as a family, and presumably Steve plans to go. Definitely go. And pay close attention to her reaction, she may be pissed off if she has to go with the family instead of him. Or he will be there and you can watch their interaction closely, is he looking you straight in the eye etc.

BonneMaman15 · 01/12/2021 22:12

Exactly @CheeseCheesePls !

AusFrosty · 01/12/2021 22:14

This is not normal.

Good chance she is having an affair

In your position, I would check her phone- if you confront her she is more likely to be on heightened awareness - her phone password will mysteriously have changed etc…

If you do decide to talk to her and she calls you “controlling” - treat that as a massive red flag- you are the definition not controlling

Original poster

Enginesear · 01/12/2021 22:16

@Nedclarity

I just realised the event you’re talking about is a ‘hobby’ event which you would go to as a family, and presumably Steve plans to go. Definitely go. And pay close attention to her reaction, she may be pissed off if she has to go with the family instead of him. Or he will be there and you can watch their interaction closely, is he looking you straight in the eye etc.

Yes good idea, thanks. I’ll certainly be there

OP posts:

HairyFanjoBanjo · 01/12/2021 22:19

I did wonder if this was a well written reverse..

Either way, it sounds fairly likely to be some sort of affair. The fact she is staying over and fairly regularly and now for whole weekends at that does suggest it’s become sexual.

I personally would bypass any conversation with her at this point and just check her phone. That said, it’s likely she will have passcoded any apps she uses to communicate with him, unless she’s very dumb.

Original poster

Enginesear · 01/12/2021 22:20

Thanks for all the kind replies. I wasn’t really ready for them
To be honest I half expected to be told to chill and be more trusting/less insecure.
It’s a lot to take on board - of all people she’s the last one I’d have thought could get involved with someone else

OP posts:

thesockfromtheroof · 01/12/2021 22:24

If you can get afford it, hire a PI for one of her weekends away. You'll get your answer and she doesn't have to know.

cosmicbabe · 01/12/2021 22:30

Staying over repeatedly at a single guys house and for weekends at a time would be a no for me. I don't care how much trust there is. I think that's crossing the line. I wouldn't even do that with my girlfriends xx

beastlyslumber · 01/12/2021 22:33

Before snooping in her phone or hiring a private investigator (!!!) try talking to her? Tell her you feel like two weekends is too much, that you want to do more as a family. If she mentions Steve, say, Do you ever notice how often you mention him? You talk about him a lot more than any of your other friends. Just start the conversation. Tell her you're worried. She might lie and you might not know the truth. But you need to talk to her.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 01/12/2021 22:45

Hiding in plain sight it's called, at the very least she is emotionally involved with him, at worst it's a full blown affair.

I'm pretty tolerant of male/female friendships, my husband has several, but they meet for the odd coffee and text every couple of weeks, my eyes would pop out of my head if he suggested staying over with a single female, not that he would because he would know that they might get the wrong idea for starters!

Cheaters often do hide in plain sight, a family member of mine did it all the time, they are so happy in their little deluded bubble they don't actually much care, especially if their partner appears to at the very least tolerate their jaunts. Your wife will probably be very indignant if and when you confront her, but that doesn't mean she's not up to anything, she will be annoyed you are spoiling her fun...

Just say- this isn't ok, it's threatening us and see what happens. I wouldn't personally bother with snooping on phones, I wouldn't even care if the person denied it- what they are doing which is planning fun weekends away without me with a single person, and texting all the time would be too much even if they never had sex.

Buildingthefuture · 01/12/2021 22:48

I don’t think asking her about this is “poisoning the well” You are married, you love her and something is worrying you. So you talk about it? Just raise it with her (not in an accusatory way) and see what she says. You’ve been together a long time, you’d more than likely know if her response was “off” in anyway?
And if her response rings any alarm bells, then yes, I’d check her phone. This may well all be completely innocent but forewarned is forearmed.

Original poster

Enginesear · 01/12/2021 22:49

@Nedclarity

It sounds like she may well be having an affair in plain sight. Does he stay with you when he comes to events in your town? Have you invited him over or been out for drinks with them together since she started sleeping at his? Has anything changed in your sex life, has she suddenly been working out more, bought new underwear…

You’re unlikely to find out just by asking her,d you may well be painted as the crazy jealous husband. Snooping is not nice but you’ll get your answer for sure. I think it’s quite inappropriate to be sleeping at a single man’s house, a man who she shares an interest with and enjoys spending time with. She’s not protecting your relationship. It’s a slippery slope and if nothing has happened yet then it likely will soon. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

He came for dinner once, early in their friendship, and before any nights over. Nothing since though.

Yes, there has been nice new underwear, some just a week before her last visit to Steve . I don’t know if she wore or took any of it with her though

OP posts:

Lussekatt · 01/12/2021 22:51

@beastlyslumber

Before snooping in her phone or hiring a private investigator (!!!) try talking to her? Tell her you feel like two weekends is too much, that you want to do more as a family. If she mentions Steve, say, Do you ever notice how often you mention him? You talk about him a lot more than any of your other friends. Just start the conversation. Tell her you're worried. She might lie and you might not know the truth. But you need to talk to her.

And as someone mentioned earlier, by mentioning to her he is worried, it gives her a chance to get rid of evidence.

We all know this at the very least an emotional affair. Mentionitis, weekends together and texting lots. This is not a normal friendship.

grapewine · 01/12/2021 22:51

Definitely go and suss out their reaction and interaction. Don't let them take you for a mug.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/12/2021 22:53

You are being taken for a mug.

TrishM80 · 01/12/2021 22:53

She's taking you for a mug, mate.

grapewine · 01/12/2021 22:53

Yes, there has been nice new underwear, some just a week before her last visit to Steve hmm. I don’t know if she wore or took any of it with her though.

Bet she did. This is all so shady.

Enough4me · 01/12/2021 22:56

Are you two still having sex or is she always tired / on her phone?

I think she's already left the relationship, is holding it together for Christmas with the kids, the Jan weekends are so they can make plans on how to move forwards.

I'd get in now with a direct question...are you having an affair?

Nedclarity · 01/12/2021 22:58

The new underwear is a massive red flag. Her behaviour is out of order. If you mention it to her she’ll cover her tracks, that the trouble about bringing it up with her.

Monalotmoore · 01/12/2021 22:58

I'd strongly advise you don't let her know you are suspicious otherwise if they are up to no good they might try to throw you off the scent. Her staying the weekend with a single man stinks to high heaven. Definitely go to the event. The fact she's already trying to put you off going is suspect. See how far she goes nearer the time to put you off going and you'll know she doesn't want you there.