35 and no kids, it’s ruining my life, please help

[blewhtu]

Just as the title says. I have friends who have been married years with kids. I don’t want to do it alone. People say things like:

It takes ages to develop a relationship to the point of having kids (so how will I fit that in now?)

After 35 it’s too late

Men only think you want kids after 35 or the ones that also want kids will be looking at younger women

It’s harder to find a man at this age

You’ll have to lower your standards

Or just simply…you won’t have kids now.

My mum went through the menopause at 50 and I’m sure I read that that’s quite young. I know I can go for tests etc but honestly I don’t think I could cope with the process because I’d still be worried I was single.

I don’t convey this on dates and I am regularly asked out ob multiple dates but I have also found the quality of men is shit…I haven’t liked anyone properly since I started dating again in July.

When I say this is ruining my life…I wake in the night, panicked, can’t sleep, go over past relationships, feel sick, try to avoid hearing colleagues talk about family because it makes me feel like I could burst into tears, I avoid my siblings as far as possible without it being obvious because they have their kids and partners, it makes me feel worse.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I’m genuinely deeply sad about it and scared and feel pressure and dread. I could be depressed but I don’t think it’s that because if this side of my life was better then I wouldn’t feel so down.

I can’t think of anything else and I feel under constant pressure and adrenaline about it all, as well as a horrible sense of doom that it’s all over and what the fuck was I doing in my twenties. (I had a relationship that broke down).

I just don’t know what to do. I know I won’t sleep again tonight.

[quote blewhtu]@ThousandsOfTulips that’s the issue I guess, I feel I don’t have the time. I would love to have a couple of years without this pressure but feel I can’t do that.

I really do feel that it’s causing severe depression at this point, which I know sounds dramatic but it’s so real to me. Some days I don’t move from my bed. I feel I have nothing to live for. I know that’s an extreme way to think but knowing how much happier I am sharing my life with a partner, just based on past experiences, I know that nothing will replace it. I’ve done so much alone in life and one thing I find hard is when people say I need to learn to be independent and happy alone…I am independent. I have been happy alone. But who wants all their life alone always? Not many people I don’t think, otherwise most people would be single.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through winter and Christmas[/quote]
I can imagine Christmas time is especially hard.

But honestly, if you're feeling depressed, you are not in a place to be starting a relationship. You need to take the time to get yourself past this anxiety/ depression before seeking a partner, otherwise you are likely to attract the opposite of the type of person you want.

@blewhtu I was in your exact position three years ago.
I was 3 months off my 35th birthday, single after a breakup a year previously.
I dated with the express purpose of finding a good, kind man to get married to and have a family with.
I went on about 20 first dates, from Tinder mostly, at least two a week. My criteria were for them to be around my age, ready to settle down, hardworking, kind and reasonably solvent. Then when I met them I was looking for that elusive spark.
I met my husband on my last ever date which was in the October. We both knew straight away we’d met the one. We were living together by the following April. He proposed the December after that, but then covid happened so we didn’t get married until July this year. We’d been trying for a baby for the 12 months prior to that, but I ended up getting pregnant straight after the wedding.
Our twins are due in late March, I turn 38 this month.
It can be done. I’m not super attractive or wealthy or anything. I’m fat and pregnant now, but I was a size 10-12 when we met, and just reasonably attractive.
I dated with purpose, but I also had fun. I remember saying to a friend, about 10 first dates in, that I thought there was something wrong with me because all the men I was meeting were perfectly nice and I just wasn’t that interested. You just have to keep throwing the unsuitable ones back until you find the one you really want.
My husband is the kindest man who makes me laugh every day, I’ve been very very lucky. But I’d have never have found him if I hadn’t just kept on and on going on first dates until he appeared.

[quote MrsBison]@ThousandsOfTulips

Sorry, didnt mean it that way.

I meant prior to children, 1 person isnt a family. Obviously after kids, you are a family. But i think its better for kids to be brought into an existing family / 2 parents. But tbf, i probably need to get with the times i guess.[/quote]
Aside from 'getting with the times' maybe you also need to consider the impact of your words? Think them through a bit more? Your blanket statements on this thread will have been insulting / dismissive of / offensive to a variety of people.

I assume you have children and you are in a relationship? Try to think about how you'd feel if that wasn't the case before writing blanket statements that don't take into account the nuances of people's lives.

[quote bollocksthemess]@blewhtu I was in your exact position three years ago.
I was 3 months off my 35th birthday, single after a breakup a year previously.
I dated with the express purpose of finding a good, kind man to get married to and have a family with.
I went on about 20 first dates, from Tinder mostly, at least two a week. My criteria were for them to be around my age, ready to settle down, hardworking, kind and reasonably solvent. Then when I met them I was looking for that elusive spark.
I met my husband on my last ever date which was in the October. We both knew straight away we’d met the one. We were living together by the following April. He proposed the December after that, but then covid happened so we didn’t get married until July this year. We’d been trying for a baby for the 12 months prior to that, but I ended up getting pregnant straight after the wedding.
Our twins are due in late March, I turn 38 this month.
It can be done. I’m not super attractive or wealthy or anything. I’m fat and pregnant now, but I was a size 10-12 when we met, and just reasonably attractive.
I dated with purpose, but I also had fun. I remember saying to a friend, about 10 first dates in, that I thought there was something wrong with me because all the men I was meeting were perfectly nice and I just wasn’t that interested. You just have to keep throwing the unsuitable ones back until you find the one you really want.
My husband is the kindest man who makes me laugh every day, I’ve been very very lucky. But I’d have never have found him if I hadn’t just kept on and on going on first dates until he appeared.[/quote]
It does sound like you were lucky but it also sounds like you had a really good plan, you stuck to it even when it was tough and it had paid off! What a lovely story!

I meant prior to children, 1 person isnt a family. Obviously after kids, you are a family. But i think its better for kids to be brought into an existing family / 2 parents. But tbf, i probably need to get with the times i guess.

Well. I did it all by your rulebook. Waited until I was married, no rushing to have kids. Then their father totally changed and ran off when they were still really little. The emotional fallout of that for them has been worse than if they never knew him at all. I'm not quite sure how that fits into your heirarchy of what is an acceptable family setup.