35 and no kids, it’s ruining my life, please help

[blewhtu]

Just as the title says. I have friends who have been married years with kids. I don’t want to do it alone. People say things like:

It takes ages to develop a relationship to the point of having kids (so how will I fit that in now?)

After 35 it’s too late

Men only think you want kids after 35 or the ones that also want kids will be looking at younger women

It’s harder to find a man at this age

You’ll have to lower your standards

Or just simply…you won’t have kids now.

My mum went through the menopause at 50 and I’m sure I read that that’s quite young. I know I can go for tests etc but honestly I don’t think I could cope with the process because I’d still be worried I was single.

I don’t convey this on dates and I am regularly asked out ob multiple dates but I have also found the quality of men is shit…I haven’t liked anyone properly since I started dating again in July.

When I say this is ruining my life…I wake in the night, panicked, can’t sleep, go over past relationships, feel sick, try to avoid hearing colleagues talk about family because it makes me feel like I could burst into tears, I avoid my siblings as far as possible without it being obvious because they have their kids and partners, it makes me feel worse.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I’m genuinely deeply sad about it and scared and feel pressure and dread. I could be depressed but I don’t think it’s that because if this side of my life was better then I wouldn’t feel so down.

I can’t think of anything else and I feel under constant pressure and adrenaline about it all, as well as a horrible sense of doom that it’s all over and what the fuck was I doing in my twenties. (I had a relationship that broke down).

I just don’t know what to do. I know I won’t sleep again tonight.

I think it's worth exploring why you want children so much, what you think they'd bring to your life. Plenty of people who have kids absolutely hate it. It's not all sunshine and roses.

@Animood

I disagree, there are plenty of good men that want to get married. Assuming that you have no baggage, are in shape, educated, decent career and have a good family background.

@MrsBison is right. I don't know why being a single parent is encouraged usually by people who are not single parents themselves. when the OP still has options that do not include single parenting.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

How will a single parent by sperm doner support their family? I.e. work full time and look after a child.

Unless the parent is very well off. E.g. paid off house and has investment/property income. (Which doesnt apply to the majority of people.)

These posts are scary and reassuring equally.

I feel in such a spin with it all, find it very hard to relax at all. I feel with dating, I don’t come across as desperate as actually, for whatever reason, I find it impossible to force myself to like someone unless it’s genuine. So I often get more and more dates but don’t feel the same. That happens a lot. I don’t think I’m scaring anyone off but also I wonder if men will now assume that’s what I want and not even swipe on my profile?!

Observation of many women falling pregnant over 40, is indeed unscientific and only creates false hope.

I didn't say I observed many women falling pregnant over 40.

I said that of the women I knew ttc over 40, many succeeded until 42

Your graph actually illustrates how gradual the decline is late until 30s.

And the graph starting from birth gives context but is actually irrelevant/misleading in many ways- because no one is ttc until (late) teens and the egg loss/decline from birth is a natural process, happening regardless of the viability for any pregnancy (zero til after puberty).

So it looks dramatic (and the figures sound dramatic) but the figures before puberty are irrelevant. After that, it appears the graph turning point is around 37. Interesting given the NHS says 90% of women ttc do sk within two yrs.

The thing that's important about egg supply, quality and decline is that you only need one (or two) and when people refer to peak fertility, I'd tend to remind them that we are well psst peak oil, yet we are still almost entirely running on oil.

*90% of women 39 and under

I'd also point out on the false hope re women in their 40s (early 40s) getting pregnant that nokne actually has the slightest clue what the real capacity for women in their earth 40s for conceiving; because the vast vast majority of women in their 40s are not ttc.

There is a 40 something pretty much every week on the pregnancy choices forum, shicked they're pregnant and stressed about what to do.

Where I'm from (border between NI and ROI) we had, u til recently, the only real example in the UK I've seen of complete lack of artificial contraception among coupled on certain communities heavily influenced by the church .... and in those families, the common trend I saw, was for women to keep having children until 42/43. Not all women bot a significant portion.

On the flip side to the false hope over 40, I'd actually consider it irresponsible to make romen think they won't fall pregnant after 40, and leave them ending up with unwanted pregnancies, as can be seen regularly on the pregnancy choices board.

MrsBison

I don’t want to argue
But many single parents work , care for kids
Some have family help
Some people have savings they use in baby years
I work FT and I have two kids

I just buy into the hetero normative that only a Peter and Jane type family works to raise kids

Don’t want !

(I should add that a minority of women i saw in that generation (my parents geberation) from devout families continued to mid 40s, I know 3 off the top of my head who had children at 45).

In any case the 40+ debate, whi h always becomes lively on mn, is a slight derail from the thread; because op has 5 yrs before then, and the NHS puts her chances up to 39 at 90%.

I did it alone. I am the single-mother-by-choice to twin boys who are, in my opinion, the best people to have ever lived. Doing it by yourself isn’t a failure, it is a triumph. Most of my friends who married to have kids have had relationship problems. Many are trying to coparent with people they struggle to find commonly ground with. Being on your own from the start is much simpler.

I would love to have met someone who I adored but that didn’t happen. And my boys are the best thing to have ever happened in my life. I am joyful about them!

Op, I know quote a few people who had kids late 30s, having got into relationships a couple of years before ... they both wanted kids (and sometimes marriage) and they both realised there wasn't time to arse about.

Koala3d
That’s lovely

@Koala3d well done for taking your life into your own hands. It's really inspiring.

@Koala3d

I did it alone. I am the single-mother-by-choice to twin boys who are, in my opinion, the best people to have ever lived. Doing it by yourself isn’t a failure, it is a triumph. Most of my friends who married to have kids have had relationship problems. Many are trying to coparent with people they struggle to find commonly ground with. Being on your own from the start is much simpler.

I would love to have met someone who I adored but that didn’t happen. And my boys are the best thing to have ever happened in my life. I am joyful about them!

What a lovely post. I admire you enormously. Twins are hard work (I have DT boys too, adults now) but so fun and cute. You sound so capable and happy and besotted with them.

@Lovemelongthai

Enjoy the freedom, I have several children all school age and all I want to do is read in peace, eat and drink hot food, and have baths that are uninterrupted. You are not missing much.

so patronising

I've got 4 kids, 3 of them after 35 years old and went through the menopause at 50. I got pregnant very quickly and easily with all of them (like immediately)

I felt like you in my mid 30s, and it was so painful. I met someone who I loved but children was a prolonged negotiation. Now, when the intense hormonal phase has passed (and I do now have dc), I do see the there would have been another path, with riches that are denied me now. I don’t want to diminish your feelings, I truly remember how all encompassing and painful they are, but I just wanted to offer that there is no happy ending, there is just happiness to be had along the way, and there are many ways, and none of them are without challenges. I wish you all the best in whatever life brings.

It sounds like you might be idealising the relationship from the past.... You let him go for a reason, trust yourself that you made the right decision at the time, rather than imagining that it was perfect and you made a mistake leaving.

50 is not young for the menopause. It's fairly average. Average is 51. It doesn't always take a long time to get to baby stage. When you are with the right person you and they often know it's right and don't hang about

OP - it’s not a secret to anyone you would be dating that you are at the age where women are looking to pair up and have kids.
And, given how much it’s affecting you - judging by your posts here - it is highly unlikely that you manage to hide it from people. It’s not possible.

And at the same time - it must immensely stressful for you to be dating with time pressure and a goal to find that Special One.
No surprise you don’t like anyone. It’s an impossible task to succeed at. No wonder your subconscious is fighting it.

Don’t listen to the smug patronising people who live in some other century.
If you do want you have a child - don’t give up on that because the timing of finding The One hasn’t worked out.

I did the things in the expected way. Found the right guy in my early 30s. We were together several years, stable and financially sound. Then had kids.
Fast forward and I am raising them by myself. He is barely present.
Same with a lot of my friends.

Raising kids is sometimes hard. But it is also fulfilling and it brings happiness and fulfilment. They are my family. Men come and go. Some stay and participate in that. Other - don’t.

Some people are lucky to meet partners that fit them perfectly, and at the right time for the perfect fairly tale life. And others make their own version of life.

Sperm bank or freeze your eggs (FYI you’ll have more success if you freeze embryos) If you want children nows the time to start prepping xxx

Sorry I don’t know what frozen embryos is, is it more expensive? How does it word compared with frozen eggs?

I didn’t think it was very successful which is why I’d always dismissed it. Also isn’t it too late to get any benefit? How many times can you do it?