35 and no kids, it’s ruining my life, please help

[blewhtu]

Just as the title says. I have friends who have been married years with kids. I don’t want to do it alone. People say things like:

It takes ages to develop a relationship to the point of having kids (so how will I fit that in now?)

After 35 it’s too late

Men only think you want kids after 35 or the ones that also want kids will be looking at younger women

It’s harder to find a man at this age

You’ll have to lower your standards

Or just simply…you won’t have kids now.

My mum went through the menopause at 50 and I’m sure I read that that’s quite young. I know I can go for tests etc but honestly I don’t think I could cope with the process because I’d still be worried I was single.

I don’t convey this on dates and I am regularly asked out ob multiple dates but I have also found the quality of men is shit…I haven’t liked anyone properly since I started dating again in July.

When I say this is ruining my life…I wake in the night, panicked, can’t sleep, go over past relationships, feel sick, try to avoid hearing colleagues talk about family because it makes me feel like I could burst into tears, I avoid my siblings as far as possible without it being obvious because they have their kids and partners, it makes me feel worse.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I’m genuinely deeply sad about it and scared and feel pressure and dread. I could be depressed but I don’t think it’s that because if this side of my life was better then I wouldn’t feel so down.

I can’t think of anything else and I feel under constant pressure and adrenaline about it all, as well as a horrible sense of doom that it’s all over and what the fuck was I doing in my twenties. (I had a relationship that broke down).

I just don’t know what to do. I know I won’t sleep again tonight.

You need to chill the hell out. Getting worked up like this won't be good for you, will out off potential partners and if you do have kids won't be what they need to see either.

Work on yourself first rather than stressing about it. There's far more to life and you need to find other avenues to enjoy life as well.

@JessicaPipsqueak

Just to address a small but relevant point. The average age for menopause is 51. 50 is not considered young. Anything under about 45/47 is and would need a further look at due to future bone health protection etc

This doesn't make sense.

Go it alone , sperm donor . I would so do that !

As others have said op, it's time to pull up your big girl pants now.

You have choices. What's more important to you a baby or a partner? A partner can come at any time, a baby you would have to be more Pro active about. Either you go it alone and try for a baby then seek a partner later on, or you get out there on the dating scene and see how it goes.
Having tests done sounds like a good idea so if anything comes up you at least know what your up against. Good luck

Well I met DH and 36 and had ds at 39 . I am afraid I also had an early menopause at 40 so no second child. Not sure if that is reassuring or not but I wanted to say that you still have time even if you had a freakishly early menopause like me, which you almost certainly won't

I have a friend who was in a similar situation.

She decided to freeze her eggs, not because she wanted to go it alone but because it took the pressure off her anxiety about her fertility declining whilst she was still seeking a life partner.

She met "the one" in her early 40's and now has two beautiful children and a very happy marriage.

She didn't need her frozen eggs in the end but still thinks is was a good choice for her at that time as it allowed her to focus on finding the right partner, something she found easier to do without internalising all her anxiety re: fertility.

The OP says she doesn't want to go it alone right now! Stop suggesting this! She might want to know the father and fall in love first!
OP, can't add much except to say things WILL change and at 35 there's definitely time to meet someone. I found love at 39 and we have a baby now.

Don't listen to people who talk nonsense.
Examples of people I know: a friend got pregnant first time she slept with a man. They had four DC and are still together so there's proof it doesn't always take ages before you are ready to have a baby with someone.

I had DC at 39 and lots of the other mums in the class were a similar age once mine started primary. Not all, but about 30% were.

If your mum had meno at 50 that means she was fertile until 49, so that's 14 years . Not ideal, but possible.

I knew DH was the one the night I met him. It just felt right. We got engaged six months later.

Don't mention your age when dating. Then men can think they are dating someone younger. Or date men who are older, so you become the young one they want.

*It takes ages to develop a relationship to the point of having kids (so how will I fit that in now?)

After 35 it’s too late

Men only think you want kids after 35 or the ones that also want kids will be looking at younger women*

I can think of 3 high profile, supremely eligible men without even trying who got into relationships and had families with women 35 and over.

It's not that old to meet, go steady, build a relationship for a couple of years and have a child (with or without marrying).

If this is something you want then you might need to do it alone.

I have a friend who aged 41 had IVF using a sperm donor. Get saving up and make your own future happen

@qpmz what doesn't make sense? If you go through the menopause under the age of about 45, it's important to see your doctor regarding HRT. One of the reasons for HRT is to provide protection for bones - many women who don't take it are prone to osteoporosis. And the younger you go through the menopause, the higher your risk of osteoporosis is.

Why I'm explaining this to you I don't know. I was addressing a point the OP made. If you actually want to know more ... google.

If your mum had meno at 50 that means she was fertile until 49, so that's 14 years.

I think its saud that fertility declines from 10 yrs before menopause, so that would be 40 ish. Which would be typical for many people.

The majority of people are fine til 40 when it becomes harder to fall and stay pregnant as you go through your 40s. There will always be outliers who fall pregnant easily and who get pregnant post early 40s of course. I know a few 45 yr old surprise mums who weren't careful because they thought they were past it; they were not.

40ish still have op 5 or more yrs; many a relationship has got to marriage and/or kids within 5 yrs. Both people need tk ve motivated and open to ot.

Oh and op 50 is not young for menopause, it's about average. I think average is about 51.

I am so sorry for all this that you're going through, it sounds horrible. I would definitely recommend you have some therapy, they can help you heal and put your headspace back into a more calming state.

@Animood

No test at 35 can tell you how your fertility will develop in the next several years. It can only look at the snapshot at the current time.
Which - obviously is a good news if you are out a partner already and TTC.
But - from 35 to 40 fertility and egg quality declines rapidly, and there is no way around it. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security.
So - if you don’t yet have a partner at 35 - FREEZE your eggs. It extends your window of having children.

@blewhtu

I am older than you and have seen a few of my friends going through the same phase in your age.
And this is life. Sadly, women can’t have it all and have to make choices due to our anatomy. No one tells it to us when we are younger, so every time it’s a shock. And it it unfair, but not liking the unfairness doesn’t change it.

There is no need to sugar coat it. It won’t help you.
Yes - it is possible to meet a man in your age and go on to have kids. BUT - given the mental state about the ‘clock’ you are in - it it not likely. You will scare them off as you won’t be able to hide it.

So - freeze your eggs, to give yourself some time and try to relax a bit, if you can.

Or, find your strength and through away romantic notions of needing a man and a perfect family unit. Separate baby and partner search. Have a baby. And once that is done - continue looking for a partner, without time pressure of baby making timeline.

Incidentally - this is what a few of my friends did with varying degrees of success.

I'd freeze my eggs too.

Single parenthood is hard. Parenting is hard. Wonderful but hard.

Being a parent of two. I would really struggle as a single parent and I don't think I'd want to do it single.

I'd concentrate on a partner and putting yourself first. It's difficult but your focus should be on making yourself happy. Kids won't make you happy. It's giving.

You have my sympathy. I remember feeling exactly the same in my early 30’s. It felt like all my siblings, cousins, friends were getting married and having kids. And I felt jealous and despaired of ever finding someone & having that.
The thing is you can’t spend your life worrying about the future as you have no idea what lies in store for you. And frankly it doesn’t help and just makes you sad and anxious.
I got diagnosed with cancer at 34. Treatment meant I’d never have children but the alternative was I’d be dead within a couple of years. My cancer treatment was successful but I was left feeling that I would now never have a family of my own. And that meant no partner as well as I couldn’t give them kids. A very lonely prospect which I just sort of had to come to terms with.
Fast forward to my early 40’s. I’m very happily with my DP and my 2 SC who are with us f/t. Definitely not what I had thought my family would look like but it has all worked out so far :) Oh and some of those happily married people I was jealous of are now single parents struggling with all the fall out of parenting with their ex’s.

P.s Egg freezing btw = very very low odds of success (about 10 - 20% chance). Much better chance with frozen embryos.

@Isthisthereaklife

Go it alone , sperm donor . I would so do that !

exactly.

Single parenting may be hard. But in the case of my friends who chose to go that way - it made them immensely more happy than giving up on ever having children would have.

Egg freezing technology has developed a lot in the past few years - so I’d find out lasers stats and decide on egg Vs embryos

@NC30112021

NC for this post.

I got pregnant, on purpose, with someone I'd seen a handful of times, at 35 because I felt like you. He had finished with me before I'd even found out I was pregnant. So I knew I'd be having the baby on my own, from day 1.

Honestly, if I had my time again, and I'd have known actually how easily I got pregnant, I'd have thrown my heart and soul into finding the right relationship to have a child with.

Because the last 14 years have been really hard. I have been single all this time because I've been a single mum, working, holding my shit together.

I regret doing it on my own. There has been no one to share things with. No one else cares about my child quite so much as I do and it's been the loneliest journey I've ever taken.

This with bells on . It's easy for people to say do it alone. Having a child alone will not take away the family life you are craving. It will make it ten times harder not only physically but also emotionally. It will also reduce your chances to date

I don’t understand egg freezing. I’m sure I heard it’s very unsuccessful? I don’t like to google these things as my anxiety is so bad at the moment.

Thanks to everyone who has posted and offered support

@Isthisthereaklife

Go it alone , sperm donor . I would so do that !

I bet you are saying that from the comfortable arms of your husband. The OP has made it clear than she doesn't want to be a single parent and i don't blame her

@SarahDarah you have put it better than I ever could

Yes I read that fertility declines typically 10
Years before menopause. So if you follow same as your mum it is likely to decline at 40. Which means 5 years. I think if it was me I would go it alone. As hard as it would be.

Being a lone parent is really hard. I feel very lucky to have my two children, but my God it is relentless and it is also a huge weight of responsibility. Making all the decisions alone, the responsibility for their emotional wellbeing, to provide for them financially. And the loss they feel when they see their friends with two parents, it is heartbreaking. It's not something I'd have done deliberately and I think people encouraging this perhaps haven't actually been a lone parent themselves.