35 and no kids, it’s ruining my life, please help

[blewhtu]

Just as the title says. I have friends who have been married years with kids. I don’t want to do it alone. People say things like:

It takes ages to develop a relationship to the point of having kids (so how will I fit that in now?)

After 35 it’s too late

Men only think you want kids after 35 or the ones that also want kids will be looking at younger women

It’s harder to find a man at this age

You’ll have to lower your standards

Or just simply…you won’t have kids now.

My mum went through the menopause at 50 and I’m sure I read that that’s quite young. I know I can go for tests etc but honestly I don’t think I could cope with the process because I’d still be worried I was single.

I don’t convey this on dates and I am regularly asked out ob multiple dates but I have also found the quality of men is shit…I haven’t liked anyone properly since I started dating again in July.

When I say this is ruining my life…I wake in the night, panicked, can’t sleep, go over past relationships, feel sick, try to avoid hearing colleagues talk about family because it makes me feel like I could burst into tears, I avoid my siblings as far as possible without it being obvious because they have their kids and partners, it makes me feel worse.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I’m genuinely deeply sad about it and scared and feel pressure and dread. I could be depressed but I don’t think it’s that because if this side of my life was better then I wouldn’t feel so down.

I can’t think of anything else and I feel under constant pressure and adrenaline about it all, as well as a horrible sense of doom that it’s all over and what the fuck was I doing in my twenties. (I had a relationship that broke down).

I just don’t know what to do. I know I won’t sleep again tonight.

You are young enough to meet someone and start a family - turn that nervous feeling of what if it doesn't happen, into excitement of this is going to happen! And push yourself like never before to meet someone! Xx

I’m honestly sat here in tears reading this. I can’t believe the number of posts. Thank you so much.

A lot of my fear is tied up in the fact that I let someone amazing go who loved me a few years ago. He’s moved on. I feel like I will never have that twice, it doesn’t feel possible.

I have been on dates but the more people I meet and realise I don’t develop feelings for, the more panicked I feel. When I say it’s fear, I mean actual heart pounding, middle of the night can’t breathe dark sadness sort of fear. It’s lonely too because 99% of people around me are not in this situation so they just can’t relate to this feeling at all. They have other problems of course, just not this one. And it’s a very very isolated place to be.

I see my 36th birthday looming and dread the new year where I will be able to say ‘next year I’m 37.’ That actually makes me feel a bit sick.

There’s a few reasons I couldn’t do it alone right now. I wouldn’t write it off completely, I’m just so tired of this horrible stress and panic. It hits me everywhere too…shops, work, friends, family, tv, films, radio, adverts… I absolutely hate this phase of my life.

Can you foster or adopt?

Wow. FFS

Why don't you spend some time reading some of the desperate posts on the Relationships board? You have a much better chance of being happy by yourself than in an abusive, uncaring or generally shitty relationship. So you're already winning...

Focus on what you can do to make your life better. What do YOU want? Join a class, white a book, make new friends. Have as many new experiences as possible. Decide what will make you feel fulfilled and do that.

And loads of women find partners after 35 and get married and have kids. No way is it too late!!

Enjoy life and see what happens. It’s full of twists and turns.

@blewhtu remember that even if you found the "right" guy earlier in life you may still be childless now because infertility/subfertility (due to the man, woman, combination or unknown cause) is quite common.

It's easy to assume that an alternative reality would be much better than your current reality. The truth is life is never straightforward. You have no idea what challenges you've been "saved" from that would have happened now or in the future. You could have married an abusive man, or a man who turns out to be a cheat, or have had kids with severe disabilities (all children of course are still blessings), or your loving husband paralysed in an accident which meant you would now be his round the clock carer for the rest of your life. All these scenarios are the reality of millions of people. You have NO idea what your alternate reality would have been.

You're only going to drive yourself into depression by false assumptions of "what could have been". Yes it's disappointing if life hasn't yet turned out how we think it should have from our limited view, but we only have so much control over our lives and you need to count your many blessing too.

Focus on volunteering for a cause you're passionate about that helps others. This will give you purpose and a way out of self focused thinking which will only lead you to spiral into negativity when there's so much amazing good you're made to be doing in this world

You can still meet someone and have everything you want, however, look at setting yourself a time if you will. Say you've not met anyone in 2 or 3 years... then look at other possibilities. I didn't think I could conceive naturally (well I couldn't it took fertility tablets) so I had back up plans in mind like adoption etc. Yes I have a dh but would have 100 percent done it alone if not. There's children out there that need a loving home. Try not to stress just get a plan in mind and this will hopefully help you rest

NC for this post.

I got pregnant, on purpose, with someone I'd seen a handful of times, at 35 because I felt like you. He had finished with me before I'd even found out I was pregnant. So I knew I'd be having the baby on my own, from day 1.

Honestly, if I had my time again, and I'd have known actually how easily I got pregnant, I'd have thrown my heart and soul into finding the right relationship to have a child with.

Because the last 14 years have been really hard. I have been single all this time because I've been a single mum, working, holding my shit together.

I regret doing it on my own. There has been no one to share things with. No one else cares about my child quite so much as I do and it's been the loneliest journey I've ever taken.

I think PP is right, you need to talk through your feelings with a professional, the panicking seems extreme (though I really understand!).

1. you may well have children one day.
2. more importantly, life can be just as good (if not better) without children but it very much depends on your outlook and your feelings about the whole situation and to some extent that IS within your control.

Good luck. You CAN get through this and come happily through the other side whatever decision you make.

35/6/7 is definitely not too late to meet someone and things tend to move fairly quickly when you both know you want marriage/children. You don't need to meet 10 Mr Rights, just one. I had 3 children after 40 (would rather have had them earlier tbh) and I know lots of people in the same situation as me. So please try not to panic, that relationship in your 20s was not to be. Keep dating, keep doing things you enjoy where there may be people to connect with. I know we all have a fear of being pitied but nothing wrong with being clear to friends and family that you are looking to meet someone. Someone I know has recently been introduced to someone by his mum!
I do know what you mean, I was in a relationship with someone between the ages of 23 and 36 and in the last few years I had children panic before I got my courage together and left.

@blewhtu

I’m honestly sat here in tears reading this. I can’t believe the number of posts. Thank you so much.

A lot of my fear is tied up in the fact that I let someone amazing go who loved me a few years ago. He’s moved on. I feel like I will never have that twice, it doesn’t feel possible.

I have been on dates but the more people I meet and realise I don’t develop feelings for, the more panicked I feel. When I say it’s fear, I mean actual heart pounding, middle of the night can’t breathe dark sadness sort of fear. It’s lonely too because 99% of people around me are not in this situation so they just can’t relate to this feeling at all. They have other problems of course, just not this one. And it’s a very very isolated place to be.

I see my 36th birthday looming and dread the new year where I will be able to say ‘next year I’m 37.’ That actually makes me feel a bit sick.

There’s a few reasons I couldn’t do it alone right now. I wouldn’t write it off completely, I’m just so tired of this horrible stress and panic. It hits me everywhere too…shops, work, friends, family, tv, films, radio, adverts… I absolutely hate this phase of my life.

I'm so so sorry OP.

For what it's worth it sounds like you have proper anxiety, as in the MH condition.

I know the feeling, trust me. I've been there and it's total and utter crap.

The things that helped me are getting beta blockers from the GP. They stop your heart racing and the physical sensations of panic. The adrenaline cannot be pumped around your body in the same way. Take those for a week you'll be much much more chilled

Second, I had CBT which was amazing. Looked at changing the way I thought about my fears. Obv this takes time, but why not spend time on you? The beta blockers really are a quick fix- trust me one week on them you'll be so much more relaxed.

Go and see your doctor in the morning.

The thing is OP, you've said it yourself this is a PHASE of your life. A shit phase, granted, but a phase nonetheless and is not your forever.

Fuck, if life has taught me anything it is how quickly things change.

It's hard right now but I reckon, hand on heart, that if you look back on this thread in a year, things will be different.

You're 36!! Come on!!! You're honestly acting like you are about to draw your pension and it is game over for you. Nowhere near. Just keep dating. A partner is very important to you and thats the only way you will find one. X

OP, I read your post and it reminds me very much of myself.

I am 33 and until early last year I was the permanent ‘single’ girl amongst my friends. I’d had 2 long term relationships that ended badly, a few flings but nothing seemed to work out. Despite being asked out by guys and told how attractive I am and what a catch etc I never seemed to attract the ones I wanted. And if I did, it never went anywhere. I had horrendous date after date and felt so disheartened. I’d see my married friends and whilst I was happy for them always wondered why I couldn’t quite get what they had. I thought it would never happen for me.

I blamed myself, then I blamed men in general, then blamed my job (I have a busy management job that involved a lot of travel). I truly believe now though that it just wasn’t my time.

Fast forward to now, I’m 36 weeks pregnant and I’m in a relationship with the most amazing guy. In 18 months my entire life has changed. During the lockdown and whilst necking Pinot Grigio in my back garden on furlough feeling more and more rubbish we matched online. Didn’t hold my breath as I was used to bad luck but he lived 2 mins away and it turned out he was lovely.

The point I’m trying to make here is that you don’t know what your future looks like. It’s true that things can really change in a very short space of time and I’m living proof of that. The best thing you can do is just remember how quickly things can be different, look how covid changed all our lives practically overnight. My advice is live for the moment if you can and you’ll see that things do iron themselves out.

Make yourself as available as you can. Be open minded to as many dates as possible but cut it off and don’t waste time if someone isn’t right for you. At 35 you’ll be better at that gut instinct feeling than at 21. Work on being confident, I wallowed and worried a lot and I regret it. Do not drop your standards ever.

And now my life is different, I’ve realised I was actually really lucky with my ‘old life’. Because I was single and didn’t have commitments I’ve been able to do and experience so many things I wouldn’t have been able to had I got pregnant at 22/25/28/30.

And if it really doesn’t happen for you if you live a full and fulfilling life it won’t seem as difficult. Sending you my very best wishes 💐

I feel for you but I think you need to calm down a bit and think rationally about the situation. If you’re feeling so desperate this might come across on dates and might create an adverse effect and put men off. Why not go it alone and find a sperm donor? A relationship could come later. Also do you have a kind doctor who could refer you for counseling? It might help with your anxiety

@NC30112021

NC for this post.

I got pregnant, on purpose, with someone I'd seen a handful of times, at 35 because I felt like you. He had finished with me before I'd even found out I was pregnant. So I knew I'd be having the baby on my own, from day 1.

Honestly, if I had my time again, and I'd have known actually how easily I got pregnant, I'd have thrown my heart and soul into finding the right relationship to have a child with.

Because the last 14 years have been really hard. I have been single all this time because I've been a single mum, working, holding my shit together.

I regret doing it on my own. There has been no one to share things with. No one else cares about my child quite so much as I do and it's been the loneliest journey I've ever taken.

for you

I wish more people read posts like this as there's always a scrum of posters on this forum (even when the OP outright says they don't want to be an intentional single parent/intentionally deprive their child of a parent) who relentlessly promote "sperm donor and go it alone" as if they're on commission.

A child is not a product, they're a human being. There's a reason why human beings are created by TWO parents because it's bloody hard and lonely being a single parent, whether by circumstance or choice, and a child thrives best with both their parents too.

The middle of the night stuff is partly caused by you being in an alternate state of consciousness. You wake up, alone, in the dark. Your body is relaxed and you become hyper aware of your quiet surroundings. In that dark, empty space, any fear or dread is magnified greatly. Careful because it sounds as if you could be on your way to a panic attack.

Are you stressed because of the pressure of it all? What if tomorrow you found out your were infertile and always had been?

Agree with the last post.

I was the child of a single parent by choice.

@sarahdarah Also I would argue that the 'go it alone' crowd must be affluent with loads of support, because it would be a much harder option for a working class woman.

Enjoy the freedom, I have several children all school age and all I want to do is read in peace, eat and drink hot food, and have baths that are uninterrupted. You are not missing much.

I just wanted to offer you a hand hold OP . A friend of mine met her husband at 38 and had kids at 40+ with no problems. She is very glad she waited for the right person.

If I was 35 and could afford it I would just use donor sperm. The guy can come later. I had my first at 29 with someone who turned out to be the equivalent of a sperm donor. Managed just fine on my own ( was actually easier in a lot of ways) and then quite naturally met my dh later

I felt like you too OP, I remember waking up at night with the dread I would never have what all my friends seemed to have and birthdays were awful.

I got some counseling and tried to reconcile myself to it and got some new hobbies, I also threw myself into online dating. I think by being happier in myself I became more attractive to others and finally met someone although had alot of terrible dates. I now have kids and wish I hadn't spend so many nights not sleeping worrying about not having them.

Hope it works out for you.

I read this wondering if you are my best friend hmmmm… so just incase.

You left that relationship 2 years ago because he wasn’t good for you. You are better off alone than being alone with him. You will find someone again. It will be ok. But for now it’s shit. Hold on.

@SarahDarah your post is incredibly nasty and bigoted. Those posters talk about their experience and giving another perspective.

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

Have you explored why it is the idea of not having children makes you so anxious? Obviously some people get very upset about not having them, but your anxiety and panicking seems to be something different.

It is possible to live a happy and fulfilled life without children. I hope your circumstances will enable you to have children, but try not to see being childless/childfree as the end of the world - it really isn't.

this absolutely. Also 50 is not young for menopause. www.nhs.uk/conditions/menopause/