35 and no kids, it’s ruining my life, please help

[blewhtu]

Just as the title says. I have friends who have been married years with kids. I don’t want to do it alone. People say things like:

It takes ages to develop a relationship to the point of having kids (so how will I fit that in now?)

After 35 it’s too late

Men only think you want kids after 35 or the ones that also want kids will be looking at younger women

It’s harder to find a man at this age

You’ll have to lower your standards

Or just simply…you won’t have kids now.

My mum went through the menopause at 50 and I’m sure I read that that’s quite young. I know I can go for tests etc but honestly I don’t think I could cope with the process because I’d still be worried I was single.

I don’t convey this on dates and I am regularly asked out ob multiple dates but I have also found the quality of men is shit…I haven’t liked anyone properly since I started dating again in July.

When I say this is ruining my life…I wake in the night, panicked, can’t sleep, go over past relationships, feel sick, try to avoid hearing colleagues talk about family because it makes me feel like I could burst into tears, I avoid my siblings as far as possible without it being obvious because they have their kids and partners, it makes me feel worse.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I’m genuinely deeply sad about it and scared and feel pressure and dread. I could be depressed but I don’t think it’s that because if this side of my life was better then I wouldn’t feel so down.

I can’t think of anything else and I feel under constant pressure and adrenaline about it all, as well as a horrible sense of doom that it’s all over and what the fuck was I doing in my twenties. (I had a relationship that broke down).

I just don’t know what to do. I know I won’t sleep again tonight.

There's a good book called "It starts with the egg" about what you can do to improve and optimise your chances of conception into your late 30s and 40s. You have much more control than you've been led to believe, over this.

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/body/health/a36103165/fertility-declines-35-women/

It’s so lonely.

We had a team call at 10am and everyone was talking about their families and kids. I feel so alone.

Would you consider a few sessions with a counsellor to talk things through and then prioritise finding a partner?

Single mother by choice here. Aged 39 I did IVF with a sperm donor.

Being a solo mother vs a solo parent where there has been a relationship breakdown are really not the same things. Nobody to be disappointed/negotiate with/have expectations of...

For me it was a choice of childlessness or going at it alone. That is the way I had framed my choices.

I don't feel unfulfilled for not having a partner or for not doing it with a partner. Being childless would have been a much more distressing option/existence in life. Almost like those time wasting men had won....as if I'd needed them to 'succeed' in creating a family... which pushed me to focus on getting what I want. I'd given dating over two decades - including a marriage! None of it worked and the final disappointment would have been to lose out on motherhood altogether. Simply because the social narrative pressures us to: find a partner (assuming anyone can/will and at any cost)/cohabit/get married, have children).

I've already wanted so much of my time on dating....
I'd still like to meet someone for 'me' not to help me co-parent. But now there is time and no pressure. Because you really can meet someone at any age! I have support from family and friends who were behind me 100% in my decision to go at it alone.

Such a great message - I was 39 too but it took a good year to get to the point of embryos going in. Though I was lucky to conceive on my first IVF cycle. (Most good clinics will encourage older women to go straight for IVF as insemination has a pretty low success rate. )
I suppose I would really encourage anyone in this situation to have a good long think - possibly with a counsellor- about whether kids or a relationship are the more important thing to you and proceed accordingly!

Can anyone explain the eggs v embryos thing? What’s the difference? Thanks

[quote StepBackPlease]@blewhtu, egg freezing is basically the first half of an ivf cycle. In a normal 'natural' monthly cycle your body releases one egg, but with ivf you take a shit load of drugs and have regular monitoring (injections, tablets and and scans at the clinic every other day for me) for the first half of your cycle to make loads more eggs grow.

The clinic monitor you until the eggs get to the optimum size, then you go in and have them 'collected' (this is a delicate medical procedure usually done under sedation). At this point your eggs would normally be fertilised using partner or donor sperm and either implanted into your uterus or frozen for later use, but I assume in an egg freezing cycle they would just be frozen straight away.

However as you rightly say, success rates for egg freezing are extremely low and there are no guarantees that they will fertilise or even make it all the way to getting transferred or implanting and becoming a successful pregnancy. I had 18 eggs collected my first round with DH, we only ended up with 2 useable embryos in the end and neither of them worked.

People throw 'FREEZE YOUR EGGS' around like it's some magical cure-all, but it's an expensive and potentially painful process (caveat that this may not be the same for everyone, just my experience!).

I really feel for you as it must be really tough - I have a couple of friends that feel the way you do and I wish I knew how to help them [/quote]
@StepBackPlease explained it here.

Or you can find a man, get married and have kids.

@MrsBison

Or you can find a man, get married and have kids.

That's what she's been trying to do! What do you mean?

@ThousandsOfTulips

That was directed at everyone encouraging the single planned Parenthood / sperm donor option.

Your anxiety is palpable and I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I can almost hear the ticking clock above your head.

It sounds like you've trapped yourself in a perfect storm of worry: your last relationship was "the one" but that's ended and no chance of going back, everyone else has kids/partners, you're running out of time, why didn't you do things differently in your twenties etc.

Past/future thinking feeds the anxiety machine. You have to choose to stop feeding it. Also, life isn't perfect. You could have kids and your life might be 'ruined' by that. Avoiding people with kids means you don't see the ups and downs of their lives, just the unit. I'd definitely steer clear of people who make statements like "you won't have kids now", though. How do they know?

Give yourself six months to work on you...find a great counsellor and talk about your last relationship and any other issues including sleep. You won't be able to form a new relationship if you haven't resolved the one you've talked about. You have to come first. Once you feel stronger, you may find you take less notice of what people around you are projecting on to you.

Societal pressure is always there - but you can choose whether or not you want to hear it. Not everyone has children and families. Find people you admire who don't fit conventional norms. Don't rush to put yourself in a box. As a very wise poster said upthread, life isn't neat. You really don't have to do what everyone else does. And if you think you do...that's another one for the counsellor!

@MrsBison

Or you can find a man, get married and have kids.

Not everyone wants /needs a man to procreate with...By the way, do you also object to the same sex couples having children or is it just the single women daring to do it differently?

@Musttryharder2021

Just an issue with single women or men doing it tbh. Same sex and hetero couples are a family unit. A single person is not a family imo. It maybe an old fashioned POV, but it is what I believe.

Thanks for so many posts.

Those mentioning societal pressure, I’m sure an element of it is that but also I think I just would like to settle down and have a family because I would be happier. Whether that’s tied into an idea society has put forward I guess it irrelevant to some extent. It’s how I feel and I won’t feel differently after therapy. I already have therapy and it doesn’t take away any desire for these things.

Today feels really hard. I just can’t believe I am at this age with no solid relationship behind me. My siblings have been in relationships for years, they are both younger. One has never experienced heartbreak ever as they met as teenagers. I can’t even imagine what that’s like because I feel like a broken, horrible, bruised person, jaded by love.

[quote MrsBison]@ThousandsOfTulips

That was directed at everyone encouraging the single planned Parenthood / sperm donor option.[/quote]
Right. But if she could do that so easily then she would have. That's what her entire post is about so your comment seem cruel.

[quote MrsBison]@Musttryharder2021

Just an issue with single women or men doing it tbh. Same sex and hetero couples are a family unit. A single person is not a family imo. It maybe an old fashioned POV, but it is what I believe.[/quote]
I can assure you that me and my children are a family unit. How incredibly offensive.

@blewhtu

Thanks for so many posts.

Those mentioning societal pressure, I’m sure an element of it is that but also I think I just would like to settle down and have a family because I would be happier. Whether that’s tied into an idea society has put forward I guess it irrelevant to some extent. It’s how I feel and I won’t feel differently after therapy. I already have therapy and it doesn’t take away any desire for these things.

Today feels really hard. I just can’t believe I am at this age with no solid relationship behind me. My siblings have been in relationships for years, they are both younger. One has never experienced heartbreak ever as they met as teenagers. I can’t even imagine what that’s like because I feel like a broken, horrible, bruised person, jaded by love.

It's incredibly tough. I remember feeling that way, before I met ex-DH.

Things can change very fast. I really think PPs are right when they say focus on your own wellbeing for a while. You still have time. This anxiety is not good for you and won't help the situation at all, though I understand exactly how it feels and why you feel it.

I'd stop dating for a few months and focus on yourself.

@Inthemane

Your anxiety is palpable and I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I can almost hear the ticking clock above your head.

It sounds like you've trapped yourself in a perfect storm of worry: your last relationship was "the one" but that's ended and no chance of going back, everyone else has kids/partners, you're running out of time, why didn't you do things differently in your twenties etc.

Past/future thinking feeds the anxiety machine. You have to choose to stop feeding it. Also, life isn't perfect. You could have kids and your life might be 'ruined' by that. Avoiding people with kids means you don't see the ups and downs of their lives, just the unit. I'd definitely steer clear of people who make statements like "you won't have kids now", though. How do they know?

Give yourself six months to work on you...find a great counsellor and talk about your last relationship and any other issues including sleep. You won't be able to form a new relationship if you haven't resolved the one you've talked about. You have to come first. Once you feel stronger, you may find you take less notice of what people around you are projecting on to you.

Societal pressure is always there - but you can choose whether or not you want to hear it. Not everyone has children and families. Find people you admire who don't fit conventional norms. Don't rush to put yourself in a box. As a very wise poster said upthread, life isn't neat. You really don't have to do what everyone else does. And if you think you do...that's another one for the counsellor!

This!

@ThousandsOfTulips that’s the issue I guess, I feel I don’t have the time. I would love to have a couple of years without this pressure but feel I can’t do that.

I really do feel that it’s causing severe depression at this point, which I know sounds dramatic but it’s so real to me. Some days I don’t move from my bed. I feel I have nothing to live for. I know that’s an extreme way to think but knowing how much happier I am sharing my life with a partner, just based on past experiences, I know that nothing will replace it. I’ve done so much alone in life and one thing I find hard is when people say I need to learn to be independent and happy alone…I am independent. I have been happy alone. But who wants all their life alone always? Not many people I don’t think, otherwise most people would be single.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through winter and Christmas

Going through the same thing you are, except I’m slightly younger. I can identify greatly

@Fancyowl how old are you, if you don’t mind saying. I’m so low today x

Families are created through love. That’s what matters.

[quote blewhtu]@ThousandsOfTulips that’s the issue I guess, I feel I don’t have the time. I would love to have a couple of years without this pressure but feel I can’t do that.

I really do feel that it’s causing severe depression at this point, which I know sounds dramatic but it’s so real to me. Some days I don’t move from my bed. I feel I have nothing to live for. I know that’s an extreme way to think but knowing how much happier I am sharing my life with a partner, just based on past experiences, I know that nothing will replace it. I’ve done so much alone in life and one thing I find hard is when people say I need to learn to be independent and happy alone…I am independent. I have been happy alone. But who wants all their life alone always? Not many people I don’t think, otherwise most people would be single.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through winter and Christmas[/quote]
You need to make a decision whether a partner or a baby (alone) is more important to you. You nor anyone else can guarantee either or both will materialise for you. Just because it did for 'Sarah/Mary/Lucy' in the 11th hour is really of no practical use to you or anyone else in a similar situation.

You have been given some very useful and practical advice:

1. Get some fertility checks done so you have an idea of your current reproductive situation.
2. Decide if you'd be willing to explore doing egg freezing if that is appropriate for you (discuss with your fertility consultant
3. Explore solo parenting via a sperm donor - find out what's involved, which protocols would apply to you.
4. If meeting a partner is more important, then really smash the dating scene: blind dates/OLD/paid agencies/friends and family recommendations. Keep at it. Maybe revise what's important to you in a person.

The only way to control the unpredictable/anxiety is to create a list of possibilities and work through them
This gives you control to a degree.

@Koala3d

Families are created through love. That’s what matters.

@Koala3d

I agree fully - so glad I didn't listen to the patriarchal nonsense above as I'd be hiding in some cave, childless and partnerless....

@ThousandsOfTulips

Sorry, didnt mean it that way.

I meant prior to children, 1 person isnt a family. Obviously after kids, you are a family. But i think its better for kids to be brought into an existing family / 2 parents. But tbf, i probably need to get with the times i guess.