35 and no kids, it’s ruining my life, please help

[blewhtu]

Just as the title says. I have friends who have been married years with kids. I don’t want to do it alone. People say things like:

It takes ages to develop a relationship to the point of having kids (so how will I fit that in now?)

After 35 it’s too late

Men only think you want kids after 35 or the ones that also want kids will be looking at younger women

It’s harder to find a man at this age

You’ll have to lower your standards

Or just simply…you won’t have kids now.

My mum went through the menopause at 50 and I’m sure I read that that’s quite young. I know I can go for tests etc but honestly I don’t think I could cope with the process because I’d still be worried I was single.

I don’t convey this on dates and I am regularly asked out ob multiple dates but I have also found the quality of men is shit…I haven’t liked anyone properly since I started dating again in July.

When I say this is ruining my life…I wake in the night, panicked, can’t sleep, go over past relationships, feel sick, try to avoid hearing colleagues talk about family because it makes me feel like I could burst into tears, I avoid my siblings as far as possible without it being obvious because they have their kids and partners, it makes me feel worse.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I’m genuinely deeply sad about it and scared and feel pressure and dread. I could be depressed but I don’t think it’s that because if this side of my life was better then I wouldn’t feel so down.

I can’t think of anything else and I feel under constant pressure and adrenaline about it all, as well as a horrible sense of doom that it’s all over and what the fuck was I doing in my twenties. (I had a relationship that broke down).

I just don’t know what to do. I know I won’t sleep again tonight.

Can you foster or adopt?

If you don't want to go it alone then it is not really something that is currently in your control and obsessing over it won't help, it will in-fact only make things worse.

Sorry if it's not what you want to hear but I think you need to channel your thoughts, time and energy into something which gives you focus, motivation, brings you a sense of fulfilment and most importantly, makes you happy.

It's a big world and there are many many people (including children) who need people like you. Go explore it, volunteer, make new friends and enjoy each day. You never know what it might bring.

I went for some fertility tests recently. It was extremely reassuring.

Go get some tests and act accordingly. They were a few hundred. Worth it imo.

As soon as I had the results and had chilled out. guess what? I met someone on the same page who told me he wanted kids in the next couple of years.

Is going it alone worse than no kids at all for you? You could foster/adopt or use a sperm bank.

@Animood the state I am in I don’t know if it would make me feel better. Also, there’s the risk that I could well not be re assuring and then what? Wouldn’t it make me spiral even more? A private doctor suggested I did this a while ago but I was too scared. He said it was just a blood test and scan. I just don’t know if more knowledge would be a bad thing and it won’t magic a partner will it :(

@GiantCheeseMonster yeah at the moment at least it’s not something I could contemplate.

It's so hard. I got divorced age 35, had a brief fling and accidentally fell pregnant. A total fluke. I know rhe feeling you describe. In terms of lowering your standards, what do you mean? I think you need to be very focused on what you want going forward, even if it's just co-parenting with the like minded chap.

Having a baby with the wrong guy is worse than being a single parent. You are stuck with them FOREVERRRR.

if you know you want kids then I'd consider going it alone. I think it would be empowering to not have to wait for a guy. Perhaps that also would take the pressure off dating??

Hugs 🤗

Have you explored why it is the idea of not having children makes you so anxious? Obviously some people get very upset about not having them, but your anxiety and panicking seems to be something different.

It is possible to live a happy and fulfilled life without children. I hope your circumstances will enable you to have children, but try not to see being childless/childfree as the end of the world - it really isn't.

All the stuff you've listed there about what other people say?

It's bollocks. It's scaremongering patriarchal bollocks and you've internalised it to the point of breakdown (and –unsurprisingly – keep feeding yourself the same narratives through fear, which causes a massive downward spiral).

I'd advise you to spend as much time as you're looking for dates / potential partners ALSO looking for women and stories of women who have met partners and started families after the age of 35.

There's flipping loads of them.

Balance the scales of the narratives you're consuming and you'll start to feel a lot better fast.

I binge-listened to this podcast recently and it sprang to mind as I read your post –can't remember if it was Josie Long's episode or Kat Brown's that I'm thinking of but the whole series is worth a listen.

You'll be ok, OP. You will.

Why dont you do speed dating or go to a marriage broker (they still exist).

Freeze your eggs. Seriously. It may take the pressure off for you a little.

I thought about doing this age 35 but felt I was “too old”. Now in my 40s wishing I’d done it.

I think some of your friends comments are just shit. Plenty of people meet their partner in their mid-late 30s. And there are plenty of men looking for a partner too at this age.

I left a marriage at 35 and meant my new partner not long after (via a paid dating app). We now have two children.

It's hard to evaluate the 'drop your standards' comment without knowing you. Having been in a bad relationship I knew I had standards but also knew I wouldn't get perfection either. I prioritised what was most important.

Don't give up though - when you do meet someone - and it's right - you just move quicker as there isn't years to wait to have children.

[quote blewhtu]@Animood the state I am in I don’t know if it would make me feel better. Also, there’s the risk that I could well not be re assuring and then what? Wouldn’t it make me spiral even more? A private doctor suggested I did this a while ago but I was too scared. He said it was just a blood test and scan. I just don’t know if more knowledge would be a bad thing and it won’t magic a partner will it :([/quote]
Anxiety is caused through lack of certainty.

There's a very very good chance your fertility is good, and then you can relax a bit, enjoy dating and find someone wonderful.

If it isn't great, you can speak to your doctor about getting eggs frozen or other options such as single parenthood.

If it is bad news, you can have counselling, heal, and move on with your next steps in life. That could be exploring other options for parenthood or it could be something completely different.

The point is, when you have FACTS you can make decisions and move forward. Without the facts you simply cannot.

Put on your big girl pants and Take control of the situation.

I do remember feeling like this before I met my DH. Have you had any therapy about relationships and why you feel so panicked now ?

I think it's a genuine fear op and anyone who dismisses it doesn't understand how it feels. But you are 35 not 45. You genuinely do have time to meet someone. I have several friends who had kids in late 30s early 40s.

And there are other possibilities. You might fall in love and realise that matters more to you than kids.

You might investigate having a child alone and decide to go for it. You might decide to use your single time to travel.

There is a saying. When the wind is calm mend your sails. Ie.yiu aren't going anywhere right now relationship wise so why don't you use the time for some self reflection and have a think about what you really want from a relationship.

You could freeze your eggs and that would help later if you need ivf.

Try and list the ways you could take control.

I know this sounds naff but only saying because I know it helps have you tried hypnosis when you can't sleep. There are so many lovely guided meditaitons. I like paul nckenna a lot and it really helps if ok anxious at night

You can do guided meditation or hypnosis about being calm and positive as well.

And big sympathies I am 44 now but remember this panic so well in my early 30s it was a horrible frightening feeling I think it is based on a feeling of lack of control. Also loneliness is a genuine sad feeling so look after yourself. Your feelings are valid but you can take control of your own life in so many ways

One thing that helped me was deciding that I couldn't control meeting a man but I could control making new friends so I just focused on that.

What is it that’s most important to you here? It sounds like you want the whole package (a man, marriage, kids) - that’s understandable. But what is it that’s most important?

If it’s having children, what makes you reject the idea of doing it alone? Is it something you would consider as a Plan B?

You still have plenty of time to meet someone. In fact there are positives to meeting someone now - you can find someone on the same page as you - lots of people meet someone when they’re younger and not thinking about children and then they don’t grow together with the same feelings about being parents.

I think it sounds like you need to either make peace with the uncertainty, or make peace with a ‘Plan B’, because it sounds like you a torturing yourself right now.

You decide what you want more. A man or a child. If it's a child, you go it alone. If it's a man, you accept that children might not happen in the way you hoped.

35 is not too late. I was 33 when I met DH, pregnant a year later.
But I know the feelings you describe.
Formulate a plan:
Date as much as possible, as exhausting as it is. Consider one of the more expensive agencies to help you. Don’t use shallow criteria when choosing men.. look for somebody who would be a good partner and father. That’s mostly all you need.
Consider freezing your eggs.
Set a deadline for going it alone (adoption etc). For me this would have been 40.
Realise that so much of this is out of your control and panicking won’t help. Seek counselling if you need to to help you cope with that.

I met DH at 36, after being single for a couple of years, and we had DD 2 years later. If you're really concerned, look into freezing your eggs, that means that if you don't find the right partner until you're in your 40s, you've still got the quality of 35 year old eggs on ice - which is very very different from a fertility point of view.

Don't lower your standards. If you have children with someone you're linked to them forever.

Your head space is the main thing to work on. It sounds like you are totally spinning out and your anxiety is out of control

Can you seek therapy?

Another one who suggests fertility testing.
I had some fertility blood testing done at 35 and it was VERY reassuring so I would consider looking into this as information is Power and will let you plan properly for your future.

At the time I was on tinder meeting a range of unsuitable man babies and sex perverts and about 4 months after the tests met a very nice man.

I am 38 now, we got married last year and am now pregnant with our first child (and we didn't really have any trouble conceiving)

+1 for @DSGR action plan
(probably because that was pretty much my plan tbh. I was doing 3-4 tinder dates a week at one point)

Just to address a small but relevant point. The average age for menopause is 51. 50 is not considered young. Anything under about 45/47 is and would need a further look at due to future bone health protection etc

I got divorced at 39, no kids.

I met now DH a few months later through an organisation set up to meet new friends, try new adventures. We married when I was 41 years old. I became pregnant at 43 and gave birth to DS a few months after my 44th birthday.

I had honestly reconciled myself to being a great auntie but not a mum at 39.