35 and no kids, it’s ruining my life, please help

[blewhtu]

Just as the title says. I have friends who have been married years with kids. I don’t want to do it alone. People say things like:

It takes ages to develop a relationship to the point of having kids (so how will I fit that in now?)

After 35 it’s too late

Men only think you want kids after 35 or the ones that also want kids will be looking at younger women

It’s harder to find a man at this age

You’ll have to lower your standards

Or just simply…you won’t have kids now.

My mum went through the menopause at 50 and I’m sure I read that that’s quite young. I know I can go for tests etc but honestly I don’t think I could cope with the process because I’d still be worried I was single.

I don’t convey this on dates and I am regularly asked out ob multiple dates but I have also found the quality of men is shit…I haven’t liked anyone properly since I started dating again in July.

When I say this is ruining my life…I wake in the night, panicked, can’t sleep, go over past relationships, feel sick, try to avoid hearing colleagues talk about family because it makes me feel like I could burst into tears, I avoid my siblings as far as possible without it being obvious because they have their kids and partners, it makes me feel worse.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I’m genuinely deeply sad about it and scared and feel pressure and dread. I could be depressed but I don’t think it’s that because if this side of my life was better then I wouldn’t feel so down.

I can’t think of anything else and I feel under constant pressure and adrenaline about it all, as well as a horrible sense of doom that it’s all over and what the fuck was I doing in my twenties. (I had a relationship that broke down).

I just don’t know what to do. I know I won’t sleep again tonight.

I worry that doing it alone I would then be sad and craving a partner with me, which would then be worse in some ways as I wouldn’t be demonstrating to a child that they were enough

How does egg freezing work. If I met someone what would we have to do. I don’t understand it and as pathetic as it sounds right now, I am too anxious to google these things.

A poser above said it dramatically declines at 35, this is exactly what worries me. @Allsortsofroses does that mean at 40 that’s it basically?

@Allsortsofroses sorry just saw your second post. Why is there so much focus on 35 in that case? I feel so much stress and panic.

You have a few options, online dating and making it obvious you have family plans. Going it alone or maybe having a baby with a gay man or couple and co-parenting. I’m
Not sure the success rate of egg freezing, I think embryo freezing is more successful.

@stairway what is the difference? I’ve not heard of that I don’t think

Blewhtu I think embryos freeze and thaw better. You would need to use a siren donor though and I don’t know what the rules are with that.

I’d keep going with the dating, a couple a week would be a hundred men in a year. Don’t mess around messaging for ages try and meet them quickly and see if there’s a spark or not.

Yes what about using sperm donor and freezing some embryos And then you can can use that as an insurance policy.

OP, if you did use a sperm donor and conceived, in time you might meet a man who became your partner and provided emotional support, even though he wasn't the bio dad. It gives you more options down the line.

[quote blewhtu]@Allsortsofroses sorry just saw your second post. Why is there so much focus on 35 in that case? I feel so much stress and panic.[/quote]
It is widely misunderstood that the decline in fertility from 35 (it is always declining from early 20s anyway but a bit steeper from 35) is a cliff. It is not a cliff.

The NHS fertility website states that 90% of women ttc under 39 will be pregnant within two years.

That does certainly not mean that that's it at 40 just that fertility is declining faster after that. Many women still have children children their early 40s without trying for ages. However the chance per cycle is going down from optimum 25% (both mid twenties with no fertility issues) to 4/5% chance per cycle by early 40s.

In my unscientific observation of those ttc in their 40s, many mange fibe up till 42 but then struggle after 42/43. There are always outliers however, who will get pregnant in mid and late 40s.

So it's definitely not it at 40. But just harder.

It also varies by person a great deal, some people will take while in late 30s and around 40, slne will fall pregnant ar the drop of a hat.

A fertility check, while not foolproof, is not overly expensive and useful if you'd like to make sure you dint have any obvious issues that might put you in the 10% of people who won't fall pregnant within two yrs of ttc up til 39.

*However the chance per cycle is going down from optimum 25% (both mid twenties with no fertility issues) to 4/5% chance per cycle by early 40s.

Just to add that chance per cycle is not your odds of getting pregnant; just the chance each cycle.

Odds are your chance per cycle played out over the number of cycles/months that you ttc.

I tried this once with playing cards (!) set up with the risk/chamce for a mid 30s woman nd I got two hits in a 12 card collection, third card and tenth card, if memory serves me correctly.

I've I've posters on here stridently, and in one case being extremely derogatory, about this. They were arguing that 5% risk per cycle meant 5% of all women that age would ever fall pregnant .... No.

When I questioned, explained it, there was no response.

Back on the 35 thing, there a lot of "steeper decline interpreted as cliff" stuff but also I think that medical professionals want to make women aware that there is a steeper decline from 35 so they act accordingly, not spend their better chance years (up to 39) arsing around, for lack of a nicer way of phrasing that!

I feel for you .There is so much pressure from society .Families are seen in advertising ,esp at this time of the year smiling and happy, when the reality is hard work (esp for Mums)! tired DC and stress .Your feelings about the DP "you let go" are just hindsight .You could have married him and be posting on here as you have made a mistake! You could meet someone in the pub tomorrow ,online or at work .Maybe someone with DC as well.Try and have fun with your family and friends .You could look into egg freezing in the new year maybe .Meantime have a nice time with Nieces and Nephews if you can

@Allsortsofroses

Observation of many women falling pregnant over 40, is indeed unscientific and only creates false hope.
You are right - there are no cliffs at 35, but there is a rapidly increasing decrease of the quality of eggs. Which leads to less chances of successful pregnancy, more chances of miscarriages, and foetal abnormalities.
So - as I said - it’s great to know that you are currently fertile at 35, but it doesn’t give you guarantees that at, for eg at 37 one won’t have a problem to conceive.

And specifically in OP’s case - it’s not very helpful. OP needs to decide if she really wants a child or not. And take action accordingly.

And - btw - OP - can if you had a partner and had a baby with them right now - there is no guarantee that that relationship will last. Plenty of people end up as single parents.
And I don’t think they end up resenting their kids or thinking their kids aren’t enough.

@Allsortsofroses
Here is an example of fertility data, and that is plenty of if for anyone willing to find out more

And more - including miscarriages

Have you thought about adopting a child who needs love? You would get so much love from them if it's the right child.

If a partner on the same page isn't on the scene perhaps looking at alternatives to parenthood is something proactive.

I feel your pain OP. Basically rather than worry about it, I made a plan. I'll tell you what it is:

1. I went on as many dates as I could, like 2 a week. I put in my bio I wanted a family and only went on dates with men who also wanted a proper relationship and a family too. I didn't entertain anyone who was fucking about.

1. I went and got my fertility tested privately. As a previous poster said, it is only a snapshot at the time, but still very helpful. I am not 35 yet I am 33 and the consultant said whilst he didn't have a crystal ball, my fertility and health was good and it wasn't a "now or never" situation. The good thing about getting fertility tests is that doctors will be able to say "don't wait, act now" if you see what I mean. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but the testing is the first step to going it alone and it really put my mind at ease.

1. I made myself arbitrary ages at which point I would pull the plug on finding a relationship and focus on single motherhood, and a later age at which I would stop trying to have my own bio child and adopt.

Having a plan helped me so much mentally. Because you can say to yourself ok I have 3 plans: plan 1 is to find a guy and have a family. Plan 2 is to have a baby alone and plan 3 is to adopt. In all of those plans I will be a mother and have a family

As it turns out, I have met someone really wonderful who wants kids soon. He actually asked me about my family plans after our second date (!) These men are out there. All being well we will start trying end of next year when I will be 34, which I think is a good age. If at any stage it goes wrong I have my back up plans to motherhood.

I know people mean well but speaking as someone adopted, it's really thoughtless to position adopted children as a way for an adult to 'get' an emotional need met as if they are a sort of 'child lite' option.

Adopted children more often than not need more stability and more parental investment than biological children. And they aren't a back up plan or next best thing. Adopting a child isn't an alternative to parenthood. It is a different type of parenthood that is just as involved, important and valid as others.

Whether a child is adopted or not, OP has said she doesn't want to be a single parent. Going through the adoption process is a huge, tough and serious commitment - it's not a shortcut that makes being a single parent any easier.

@blewhtu, egg freezing is basically the first half of an ivf cycle. In a normal 'natural' monthly cycle your body releases one egg, but with ivf you take a shit load of drugs and have regular monitoring (injections, tablets and and scans at the clinic every other day for me) for the first half of your cycle to make loads more eggs grow.

The clinic monitor you until the eggs get to the optimum size, then you go in and have them 'collected' (this is a delicate medical procedure usually done under sedation). At this point your eggs would normally be fertilised using partner or donor sperm and either implanted into your uterus or frozen for later use, but I assume in an egg freezing cycle they would just be frozen straight away.

However as you rightly say, success rates for egg freezing are extremely low and there are no guarantees that they will fertilise or even make it all the way to getting transferred or implanting and becoming a successful pregnancy. I had 18 eggs collected my first round with DH, we only ended up with 2 useable embryos in the end and neither of them worked.

People throw 'FREEZE YOUR EGGS' around like it's some magical cure-all, but it's an expensive and potentially painful process (caveat that this may not be the same for everyone, just my experience!).

I really feel for you as it must be really tough - I have a couple of friends that feel the way you do and I wish I knew how to help them

Instead of worrying about it, why dont you go on some dates with husband material men.

6 months of dating to find the right one.
Get engaged after another 6 months.
Get married 6 months after that.
Then have kids 1-2 years after.

So by 38 youll be married and have kids. Done. (The above is what I actually did. Although I did it/started at 25, and had kid by 29.)

Get a sperm donor
Go it alone x
Leave the dating and start considering this as a project

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Get a sperm donor Go it alone x Leave the dating and start considering this as a project

Children grow up best with 2 parents imo. Its selfish to intentionally bring a child into this world without 2 parents tbh.

My friend just had a lovely baby with a sperm donor at 41

Is this an option ? I've been a lone parent in the past ...it was fine

@ILoveHuskies

How does your friend manage to work fulltime / manage financially and look after a child?

Also, dont you think the child would be better off having a seperate parenting figures?

@MrsBison

Instead of worrying about it, why dont you go on some dates with husband material men.

6 months of dating to find the right one.
Get engaged after another 6 months.
Get married 6 months after that.
Then have kids 1-2 years after.

So by 38 youll be married and have kids. Done. (The above is what I actually did. Although I did it/started at 25, and had kid by 29.)

Great plan but I think you're missing a key component that lots of men don't want to commit and won't want to be married after a year!

MrsBison

Let’s agree to strongly disagree on that one