Husband kissed friend

[Berghia]

Sorry this is long.
I have name changed for obvious reasons but this isn't my first post.

Went out for drinks with husband and small group of friends. It's quite late, some have gone home and us remaining few are a bit drunk but not hammered.

Husband goes to bar with friend and they're gone ages. No longer at bar. I find them on dance floor talking so return to other friend and tell him. Something feels off so I go back and catch them as they're about to kiss. Feel like I'm in a soap opera.

I go home alone. Lots of angry phone call conversations with husband who wouldn't stop phoning me. Admitted they were about to kiss but kept saying that they'd not actually done anything. I said that was irrelevant as they would have if I'd not interrupted them. I tell him he needs to tell me now if anything has happened before or if anything did happen. He says no.

We talk a bit when I get home. I'm furious and tell him I'll never forgive him for the double betrayal and putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis. I tell him I can't ever trust him.

In the morning I'm still angry in shock etc. He then tearfully admits they did in fact kiss.

Later we talk some more, I've calmed a bit and no longer want to move out. I tell him I need space so he stays out of my way, I go for a walk, visit my mum, message friends etc.

He's trying and is contrite and assures me he doesn't want her or for us to break up. We've talked about why he did it etc. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

So now what do I do. I don't want to leave him but how does one go about moving on and getting past the lies. It's the lying I can't stand and the fact she was my friend. And that I was there. I'm meeting up with some friends this week to chat but I don't know what happens from here. If someone had suggested this would happen to us I'd have laughed. He's never given me reason to mistrust him. He's not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was good, not perfect but pretty strong. I never imagined this could possibly happen. It's just blown my mind in the worst possible way.

If you made it to the end thanks so much.

@pinkdaffodils90 @Yummypumpkin I wonder if you read my first comment.

Because we love each other and in many ways had a great relationship. Obviously there's room for improvement. Isn't it worth seeing if things can be improved on. I suppose I think marriage is something that takes work. It isn't always perfect and sometimes the spark can go. But isn't it worth working on? If he was a wanker then yeah I wouldn't waste my time but he's really not. Up until Saturday I believed he was one of the good ones. I'm not sure I'm ready to throw all that away.
I appreciate the perspectives of those who've done the cheating. But no neither of them can just book days off work, their line of work doesn't allow it. He's told me over and over there's nothing going on. It was a one off. At some point I have to decide whether to believe him or not. I hear what you're all saying but my gut tells me he's telling the truth.

If I'm wrong though I promise to come back and update. It may help others. I have to make a choice and it has to be one I can live with.

Oh and friend decided to stay with boyfriend who became husband and they had two children together. Sadly he died a few years ago but they were very happy together and he never did it again. It wasn't like him to do what he did. He was an honourable, honest bloke who cared deeply for her.

He was young, in his 20s and was terrified of settling down too young. Like he'd not had 'an exciting youth'. That's what he was afraid of.

@Berghia this all makes complete sense, and you are very dignified and courageous. I am not sure you can quite so easily distinguish between "wanker" and "not wanker", as I think all relationships are more complicated than that. Your husband could be a good man who did a stupid one-off thing which he deeply regrets. He could be a "wanker" who's making out that he's actually a decent person. I couldn't book days off being a SAHM, but still found time to have several dalliances then fall in love with someone else, even though XH was working from home the whole time. So anything is possible, although only you know your husband, only you know your relationship, and only you can ultimately be the judge.

I would not, now, choose to be with someone who was involved with someone else, because I don't need to be. I know now how it feels not even to want to look at anyone else, never mind exchange bodily fluids with them. If my DP kissed someone else, that would be a deal-breaker for me, because I don't need to be with someone who'd do that. But I can also see why someone else might not want to be single for this reason.

Hermione, thanks, yes I've just watched that video as someone posted it upthread. It was interesting and helped a bit. We have talked about the whys. I don't want to go into that but it's an issue we've both ignored and buried our heads in the sand over. Trouble is we now have this to work through before we get to the thing that partially triggered the thing.

He’s been attracted to her for a while and you are okay with that?
He acted on that attraction.

For a start I would be demanding him to never touch alcohol again if this is what it does to him.

I get you @AbbottLyon and it's hard to get my head round cos I wouldn't dream of kissing anyone else either. The idea is revolting so why was it so easy for him?
It doesn't do wonders for your self esteem especially when you already feel old, flabby and unattractive. I know that's my problem to work on though.🙄

The fact he says he likes her and has done for a while is what would probably break it for me as well.

@Berghia

So they were at the bar, she flirted, kissed his cheek then went to dancefloor. And yes I questioned the sanity of this. They kissed on the dance floor. Talked about how they shouldn't be doing it. Then I turned up just as they were about to kiss again.

A happily married man would have nipped this in the bud when she was flirting at the bar, not followed her to the dance floor and kissed. He might well be sorry, but I suspect he's sorry you caught him out. He was prepared to kiss another woman knowing his wife was in the same bar? That's the actions of a man who doesn't care about the consequences. I don't think you have the good, strong relationship that you describe in the first post. If you're going to stick it out, I'd suggest no further contact with the "friend" and marriage counselling.

No of course I'm not ok with it. At what point have I said I'm ok. I'm the opposite of ok but I'm trying to work through it.

@Berghia

I get you *@AbbottLyon* and it's hard to get my head round cos I wouldn't dream of kissing anyone else either. The idea is revolting so why was it so easy for him? It doesn't do wonders for your self esteem especially when you already feel old, flabby and unattractive. I know that's my problem to work on though.🙄

Speaking as the reformed cheater, I suspect you are absolutely none of those things, and that whatever the problem it, it's at least 50% with your husband!

Yeah I've said our marriage isn't perfect I never thought it was and we both know what we need to do.

Thanks 🙂 sorry for the cross posts this thread is moving so fast 😣

I guess the question for you is, was your DH ever going to own up if you hadn't of seen them.

No, OPs DH would never have owned up and that's based on the fact he initially denied it happened and made out that she was imagining things

He only admitted it the day after because OP wouldn't let it go.

To me this further betrayal is almost as bad as the kiss. He lied to your face and denied it happened so how can you believe a word he says?

That's completely different to holding your hands up and confessing to a mistake and begging forgiveness. He outright lied about it and only fessed up because he had to - that's why I'm 99% sure there will be more to this. He's confessed to the minimum he has to.

First they never kissed.....until they did....what else?
Also admitting he's been attracted to her for months is another red flag

How awful for you. I’m not sure what I would do if it happened to me. You obviously love him a lot so maybe this is a one off that can be worked through? It might be a wake up call ( things sometimes slide in a relationship). However he has really disrespected you but maybe give me a chance to try and put things
Right and talk a lot lot more. Sending love xx

Thank you

Oh no way. I just couldn't stay with a man who did this.

Have you spoken to your other friends who there that night? What do they think about it all?

*That's a different SIL, by the way. I have 3 brothers. Realise I made that sound a bit confusing.

There was only one remaining. The others had gone. I don't want to drag this person in because they are both close. We've messaged briefly but I don't want to make it uncomfortable. I don't want to force these friends to take sides. It's not their issue is it. They've all been supportive but it's not fair to put them in that position.

Thanks @Notahandmaid 🙂

So sorry OP, how upsetting.

He has badly disrespected your marriage.

Whether it ends up being a deal breaker will come out in the wash.

For some people, they limp on but within a year or two have split, for others it was a wake up call that the relationship was on very shaky ground.

The worst thing you could do is put pressure on yourself to get over this.

That is not how it works.
You have to feel these emotions and let them sit for a bit.

I think looking for a counsellor you like and speaking honestly and maybe some joint sessions when the dust settles a bit.

I think it is very reasonable of you to ask him to leave to give you some space for a bit.

The right thing to do is the right thing for only you.

Don't be bounced into anything by anyone.

He has done something very selfish and stupid.

He has broken your trust and I would imagine embarrassed you (even though you have fxxk all to be humiliated about, that's on him and that so called friend).

Only you know how strong your connection is and how genuine his remorse is.

Take your time to figure out what is right for you.

Do not allow him to use you as a stop gap until a better offer comes along.

Unfortunately what you do know is, he is capable of being unfaithful and that can change how you feel about him and ultimately your willingness to believe he is in it for the long haul.

Best of luck.

@billy1966 great post thank you🙂

the fact she was my friend

Shes not your friend OP. I get the feeling that this is the tip of the iceberg.