Husband kissed friend

[Berghia]

Sorry this is long.
I have name changed for obvious reasons but this isn't my first post.

Went out for drinks with husband and small group of friends. It's quite late, some have gone home and us remaining few are a bit drunk but not hammered.

Husband goes to bar with friend and they're gone ages. No longer at bar. I find them on dance floor talking so return to other friend and tell him. Something feels off so I go back and catch them as they're about to kiss. Feel like I'm in a soap opera.

I go home alone. Lots of angry phone call conversations with husband who wouldn't stop phoning me. Admitted they were about to kiss but kept saying that they'd not actually done anything. I said that was irrelevant as they would have if I'd not interrupted them. I tell him he needs to tell me now if anything has happened before or if anything did happen. He says no.

We talk a bit when I get home. I'm furious and tell him I'll never forgive him for the double betrayal and putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis. I tell him I can't ever trust him.

In the morning I'm still angry in shock etc. He then tearfully admits they did in fact kiss.

Later we talk some more, I've calmed a bit and no longer want to move out. I tell him I need space so he stays out of my way, I go for a walk, visit my mum, message friends etc.

He's trying and is contrite and assures me he doesn't want her or for us to break up. We've talked about why he did it etc. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

So now what do I do. I don't want to leave him but how does one go about moving on and getting past the lies. It's the lying I can't stand and the fact she was my friend. And that I was there. I'm meeting up with some friends this week to chat but I don't know what happens from here. If someone had suggested this would happen to us I'd have laughed. He's never given me reason to mistrust him. He's not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was good, not perfect but pretty strong. I never imagined this could possibly happen. It's just blown my mind in the worst possible way.

If you made it to the end thanks so much.

What happened in order for you to feel you had to move out?

He has no leg to stand on.

If he wants the marriage to work out, he needs to do what YOU want, willingly and consistently and over a sustained period of time.

If he doesn't LISTEN to you then somewhere in his mind he is justifying and minimising what he did. It shows a lack of respect.

Draw your line very clearly in the sand and watch his actions very carefully

You are moving out?

You?

Aye. He sounds really sorry if you are the one having to move out for a bit of space.

He should not get to dictate what happens here. He doesn’t get to decide if you go straight to working things out. He just wants it all go go away.

OP you have a cockoo in your nest.

I am sorry to heat he is doing this.

It appears that he is panicking and hoping by moving straight to 'working through it together' he can just forget it happened and you can't actually feel anything about because 'but why are you bringing it up. We moved past that'.

It does appear, your boundaries mean very little to him.

My DH kissed my friend a few weeks after our wedding. I didn't find out until
A while later. He went on to have an affair with someone else. I would suggest you have good reason to no longer trust him.

What an arse.

He wants to get straight to working things out and doesn't get how I need space

Yep because it’s much easier to go back to something more transactional, like ‘I’ve agreed to never be on my own with her/deleted her from my phone’ and your part of the bargain is ‘to forgive and forget about it all’.
And he is nicely missing out on actually having to listen and hear the emotional hurt it caused you (which is the hardest)

It sounds like he is actually not ready to put the effort in to regain your trust again. Nor is he prepared to do it your way, to listen to what you need and adapt to that.

Tbh that would be more of an issue for me. Because this wouod show me that his own selfish needs matters more to him than mines, even when he is in the worng and he was the one hurting me :(

I think the only way back from this is if he is 100% honest and let's you ask questions about his behaviour. If he can't give you that and he minimises your emotions then he isn't prioritising your needs and I don't think it will work longer term.

Papering over the cracks doesn't mend the wall and all that. What you don't want is for this to be running through your mind every time you look at him x

Tbh that would be more of an issue for me. Because this wouod show me that his own selfish needs matters more to him than mines, even when he is in the worng and he was the one hurting me

Yes this is exactly how I feel and I've told him I'm now struggling to forgive the fact he couldn't just give me a few days space and move out for a bit. I think if he'd done this I'd have felt he was taking it seriously and accepting how much he'd hurt me. He never genuinely offered just asked if it was what I wanted.

The next day he was adamant he wasn't going anywhere.

His argument is that neither of us needs to move out because we need to work through it.

To be fair I didn't know what I wanted at first and with hindsight I should have just either gone straight away or told him to.

We've been round and round in circles - it's tedious. He's suggested counselling but I don't want to. I feel like he doesn't listen to me properly most of the time so why would a counsellor help. Maybe I'm wrong and should consider it.

I'm hoping some time away from the house will give me some clarity.
Thanks again for all your comments and support.

The counsellor could help because the dynamics are different when there is another person in the room.
Plus it’s their job to rephrase, redirect, highlight etc… to ensure that each person is truly listened to.

However, I agree that some separation will give you some clarity.
Such a shame he wants to go at his speed with no respect to the speed you want to go/your need to take stock.

See, the thing is, he'd ready to start working things through because he knew what he was up to all along and has had plenty of time to think - but you haven't.

You had the shock of seeing them and a series of aftershocks as he pulled the trickle-truth stunt on you in an attempt to minimise the damage to him.

If he can't see the vast difference between his experience of his behaviour and yours and give you the thinking space he offered and you requested, is there really anything to build on here?

Omg i cant believe that...well done for not letting him win, what an absolute nob head... is it a mortgaged house ir do you rent? Will you be going to stay with a friend for a while? Xx

In hindsight, l wish l had been much stronger, firmer and laid the law down with my STBXH much much sooner.

After six months of circular conversations l left for a bit. It made me feel l had some control as l could decide how long l needed to be away without feeling guilty that he was out of his home. Crazy how l deferred to his emotions but it gave me a real breathing space. It also made me feel safe to know l was somewhere where he had no keys to.

But l was totally confused....like you the situation involved ‘just’ kissing and he did an excellent job of making me doubt my own feelings. I spent weeks trying to weigh up exactly how bad was it, like l could put it on some scales to get the measure of it.

But then he started changing his story and rewriting history. And l realised that l was wasting energy trying to evaluate something that kept changing shape. I then realised the fact that he had lied to me for years was far far worse than the initial crime as he had taken my right to have agency over my own life away. He also had to have control over the narrative and couldn’t listen to me without telling me how l had ‘misinterpreted’ him.

Take as much time as you need. I found keeping a journal very useful to get my thoughts down. Be very aware of when it becomes about his needs.

I have mixed feelings about couples counseling and l understand your concerns. I would say it is worth a go but it didn’t work for me. I think when one party has been badly hurt by the other, it’s very difficult. The counselor has to stay neutral and unless they are very skilled then it can feel a bit like your pain is being downplayed in an effort to treat both clients fairly.

It doesn't suit him to move out and give you space because he is ultimately a very selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate misogynist.

It suits him to treat you in a horrendously embarrassing and humiliating way in front of people who mean something to both of you - your friendship group- because it maximises his ego to be seen an irristible hero, jack the lad, ladies' man

It suits him for you to get over it quickly.

He is not going to put himself out for you if it's inconvenient to him.

I think that's the crux of the matter. His insincerity, his selfishness and his capacity to lie and to humiliate and deceive you.

And after all that, for him to scoff at your hurt reaction.

This tells you all you need to know, doesn't it?

You deserve so much more. He is making it so much worse by not acknowledging your right to feel as you do and to scoff at your reaction.

I don't feel be adds to your happiness and feeling of worth do you?

I don't think he cares that much about you as he is much more interested in himself.

He will always put himself first. Sorry op, perhaps you can superficially move on as I internally I don't think you ever will even if you try.

Good job you were around OP. Had you not been there and saw it for your own eyes you'd be none the wiser.
Sorry for the negativity.
I hope your break works for you. 👍🏼

He's never scoffed at my reaction. I don't know where I've given that impression but that's not right. He can be selfish and inconsiderate and a bit of a manchild on occasion but he's also taken this on board when I've told him and changed his behaviour. He's definitely not a misogynist or a jack the lad. Obviously it's difficult because none of you really know him and are only hearing what I'm telling you but that's really not who he is.

I'm now struggling to forgive the fact he couldn't just give me a few days space and move out for a bit

I think I would struggle to forgive this more than the original kiss.

A mistake is a mistake but if you make one, in the cold light of day there's no excuse for not doing everything you need to in order to TRY to make amends.

Just leave OP, pack a bag & book a hotel for few days. Tell him you need space to think, that you would've preferred (and deserve) some peace and space in your own home, but because he is a selfish twat and won't respect your need to be alone for a while he has now forced you put your home as well. Prick.

Then just go, turn off our phone off and cut communications for a while. Tell him you don't know if you want to fix things or not. Let him sweat, and feel what life is like without you for a while.

Don't let him choose the outcome here.

I completely agree with mugglenutmeg, I think, if you want to stay together, he needs to really feel he might lose you, otherwise it's all too easy for him and he may well thunk I git away with it once.....he needs to feel as awful as you do with the added fear of losing you.

I'm so sorry this happened, like a pp said, as horrendous as it is at least you caught him hopefully before anything's happened. I could never unsee that but I hope you can both work things out if that's what you want

Thanks all. I did move out and I've made it clear I wasn't impressed that it wasn't him going. We have talked. A lot. And we'll talk some more. I'm going home soon because I don't see why I should be inconvenienced any more. Only time will tell if we can work it out I suppose. Thanks again for all your comments and support I appreciate it

@Berghia

It still sounds like it's on his terms OP. You had the inconvenience of having to leave.
And now you are going back with no clear outcome. I'm worried you will just muddle along with him minimising your pain until eventually you just put up with it.

Talking is nice but he's taken none of the action that would have indicated he cares - other than the boo boo I got caught tears.

The guilt seems to sit too easy with him. I'm also worried this is just a tiny window into past behaviour and future behaviour - because you are so quick to believe him and now you have essentially let him off.

I still think you should ask him to go for a few days. He needs to show you he is sorry. Words are too easy.

After what he's done he really should be putting in the work - not you. He hasn't even had the inconvenience of having to pack a bag. You deserve better than this and should be expecting big gestures

You suit yourself OP.

He is a selfish man.

Do not depend on him.

He is a snake.

@Berghia

Thanks all. I did move out and I've made it clear I wasn't impressed that it wasn't him going. We have talked. A lot. And we'll talk some more. I'm going home soon because I don't see why I should be inconvenienced any more. Only time will tell if we can work it out I suppose. Thanks again for all your comments and support I appreciate it

So you made it clear you weren't happy at having to be the one to move out in order to get space, yet he's still in the house while you're at your mums?

You quite rightly want to go home so you are not inconvenienced any further. You're still not sure about the future of the relationship but despite the fact you've told him you weren't happy at him not being the one to move out he's still refusing to do so. After you spending days away from home, he should now be doing the same.

This attitude would be the final nail in the coffin for me. Almost as disrespectful as the kiss in the first place