Husband kissed friend

[Berghia]

Sorry this is long.
I have name changed for obvious reasons but this isn't my first post.

Went out for drinks with husband and small group of friends. It's quite late, some have gone home and us remaining few are a bit drunk but not hammered.

Husband goes to bar with friend and they're gone ages. No longer at bar. I find them on dance floor talking so return to other friend and tell him. Something feels off so I go back and catch them as they're about to kiss. Feel like I'm in a soap opera.

I go home alone. Lots of angry phone call conversations with husband who wouldn't stop phoning me. Admitted they were about to kiss but kept saying that they'd not actually done anything. I said that was irrelevant as they would have if I'd not interrupted them. I tell him he needs to tell me now if anything has happened before or if anything did happen. He says no.

We talk a bit when I get home. I'm furious and tell him I'll never forgive him for the double betrayal and putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis. I tell him I can't ever trust him.

In the morning I'm still angry in shock etc. He then tearfully admits they did in fact kiss.

Later we talk some more, I've calmed a bit and no longer want to move out. I tell him I need space so he stays out of my way, I go for a walk, visit my mum, message friends etc.

He's trying and is contrite and assures me he doesn't want her or for us to break up. We've talked about why he did it etc. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

So now what do I do. I don't want to leave him but how does one go about moving on and getting past the lies. It's the lying I can't stand and the fact she was my friend. And that I was there. I'm meeting up with some friends this week to chat but I don't know what happens from here. If someone had suggested this would happen to us I'd have laughed. He's never given me reason to mistrust him. He's not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was good, not perfect but pretty strong. I never imagined this could possibly happen. It's just blown my mind in the worst possible way.

If you made it to the end thanks so much.

Thanks everyone. I'm still reading and considering all your perspectives so thank you. Still no clearer on what I'm going to do just trying to take my time.

Someone expressed surprise at our age. Well we're kind of young 40s though some of the group are considerably younger. I also don't do heels.
I didn't walk all the way home and he did try to find me. I dunno how he wasn't right behind me though. Our other friend went home with 'her' straight after so while it may not have been an immediate parting they couldn't have hung around for long. She also said to our other friend that she had messed up. Messed up by kissing husband or messed up by getting caught? Who knows.

That’d be it for me op xx

Seems like you have made your mind up OP about what you are going to do. Good luck with everything and I hope it doesn't happen again for you.

I haven't made my mind up yet and I know what I've put sounds like I'm defending them. That's not how I feel I'm just trying to paint as accurate a picture as possible. There's obviously stuff I'm not going to know for sure. She has since apologised. Profusely. Feels terrible and takes full responsibility. Can't remember much which is both convenient and annoying but gives me more to consider.

Thanks again everyone for all your input. I really appreciate it.

OP that's good she has apologised.

Good luck

@Berghia

I haven't made my mind up yet and I know what I've put sounds like I'm defending them. That's not how I feel I'm just trying to paint as accurate a picture as possible. There's obviously stuff I'm not going to know for sure. She has since apologised. Profusely. Feels terrible and takes full responsibility. Can't remember much which is both convenient and annoying but gives me more to consider.

By phone or what ?

In situations like this, it’s about balance.

He needs to fully know how it feels to lose you. The only way to achieve that is to send him away for a decent chunk of time - a trial separation would achieve this. If he first of all gives you the space you need to process. Then and only when you are ready to talk. He would then need to prove himself trustworthy again for another chance, a clean slate and both working together on the relationship.

Anything else is just going to leave the door open to mistrust and resentment.

It’s highly important he thinks there is a good chance it’s over. You need to see what he is made of.

So it's taken her days to apologise 'profusely' - not exactly heart felt eh?

Plus not the first time she's done it to her H. Does he know?

@1forAll74

Probably a combination of being friends, alcohol,music and dancing. I would just forget about it.!

You can't be serious?!

By text message after I messaged her. She claims she'd already replied but I'd not received. It doesn't matter really.

Exactly what @HairyFanjoBanjo said! With bells on!

@Berghia

By text message after I messaged her. She claims she'd already replied but I'd not received. It doesn't matter really.

That she’s come out with that utter bollocks is, frankly, insulting.

Does she really think you’re gullible enough to think that by massive coincidence the message apologising for cheating on her partner with your husband happened to be the one that didn’t deliver?

I hate the glib way people say “they’re no friend” on here so often, but it’s very fitting on here. She really isn’t your friend

No I agree it probably is bollocks. I'm not bothered though. She didn't have to reply to me at all so there's that. It's irrelevant though. She's not where my energy or head space needs to be.

You're right @Berghia not worth your time or energy. How are things with you and DH?

I know it takes 2 for this to happen but your friend is the one I would be most pissed off with. She is disgusting and probably did lead him on and he liked the attention. Your other friends should be disgusted with her too and should be mindful of their husbands.

@mrsbitaly

I know it takes 2 for this to happen but your friend is the one I would be most pissed off with. She is disgusting and probably did lead him on and he liked the attention. Your other friends should be disgusted with her too and should be mindful of their husbands.

You'd assign more responsibility / blame to a mate than your own husband if they kissed?!

@mrsbitaly Really? My husband owes me loyalty more than anyone else does. Men don’t get ‘lead astray’ by predatory women. I thought that belief died a death many years ago.

[quote AnnieSnap]@mrsbitaly Really? My husband owes me loyalty more than anyone else does. Men don’t get ‘lead astray’ by predatory women. I thought that belief died a death many years ago.[/quote]
Exactly!!

Namechanged. Fully expect to be flamed and thought about PM-ing OP but actually I thought I’d post in case this helps anyone in a similar situation. @Berghia — To share my own experience, I’ve been married a long time and happily so. I’d never remotely glanced at another man for the entirety of our relationship, until a few years ago we made friends with another couple who had recently moved to our area. I’ll be absolutely honest here - there was always a spark between me and the DH, and one night, very late, after a silly amount of booze, he kissed me goodbye when I showed him out to his cab. (Friend/his wife had left early). It wasn’t a snog at all, but definitely on the mouth and inappropriate. Again, it was fleeting and quick, but I didn’t push him away immediately I’ll admit.

The following day, I felt sick at the betrayal towards my friend and DH. However, in our case, it was a one small, stupid moment and whilst I can’t deny we weren’t attracted to each other beforehand, we were NOT in the thick of an affair, and have been noticeably extremely careful around each other ever since.

Was this good behaviour? No it wasn’t. But would it worth be breaking up a marriage over? No way. I’m only sharing MY personal experience, and your situation is different of course…but I just wanted to share. Hope you’re doing ok.

Couldn't read and run.

On a drunken night out, I kissed a colleague. We were both married. Hindsight made me realise how we'd been flirting with each other for months before that. I hadn't seen it as flirting then though.

I told my husband as soon as he woke up what had happened the night before. I felt absolutely awful. He was initially shocked and hurt, but after a few hours came to tell me he forgave me. He knew I'd always been a flirt when I was drunk and accepted I'd drunk far too much to have the inhibitions to stop it happening. We discussed putting things in place to ensure it didn't happen again. He then spent the next week reminding me he forgave me, as I felt so terrible about it and was dwelling on it so much.

There's every chance OP that drunk hubby was swept up in the moment and got to a point where it seemed a good idea. Not excusing it at all, but alcohol can make stupid things seem like a good idea at the time.

I wish you all the best in taking the next steps in your relationship.

But in this case the OP was at the same event when her husband did the kissing. Surely, he’d have to be ‘falling on the floor drunk’ for that awareness not to have prevented him from doing that if he wasn’t really into it?

DUMP THE BASTARD and HER TOO
I wonder what her hubby thinks of this

@ExpectingLady93

You're right *@Berghia* not worth your time or energy. How are things with you and DH?

Not amazing to be honest but thanks for asking.🙂 He wants to get straight to working things out and doesn't get how I need space so I'm moving out for a few days(at least). I know, it should be him going but🤷.

Thank you to the posters who shared their own experiences. Difference is you both either stopped short or admitted it straight away. It's the lies that have got to me more I think. I don't think he would have told me had I not caught him.

He wants to get straight to working things out and doesn’t get how I need space so I’m moving out for a few days (at least).

Berghia, I was hoping that he would respect your recovery needs. This is just another example of his self-serving, entitled behavior:

*Pairing up with your friend whom he fancies
*Kissing her and not feeling so conflicted that he stopped then and there
*Lying
*Not empathizing with your need for space.

In all of this, his wants have ridden roughshod over your boundaries and well-being. I recall that he initially offered to give you space, but he must have rescinded that. He is a really selfish person. Kudos for taking action to find the space you need.