Husband kissed friend

[Berghia]

Sorry this is long.
I have name changed for obvious reasons but this isn't my first post.

Went out for drinks with husband and small group of friends. It's quite late, some have gone home and us remaining few are a bit drunk but not hammered.

Husband goes to bar with friend and they're gone ages. No longer at bar. I find them on dance floor talking so return to other friend and tell him. Something feels off so I go back and catch them as they're about to kiss. Feel like I'm in a soap opera.

I go home alone. Lots of angry phone call conversations with husband who wouldn't stop phoning me. Admitted they were about to kiss but kept saying that they'd not actually done anything. I said that was irrelevant as they would have if I'd not interrupted them. I tell him he needs to tell me now if anything has happened before or if anything did happen. He says no.

We talk a bit when I get home. I'm furious and tell him I'll never forgive him for the double betrayal and putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis. I tell him I can't ever trust him.

In the morning I'm still angry in shock etc. He then tearfully admits they did in fact kiss.

Later we talk some more, I've calmed a bit and no longer want to move out. I tell him I need space so he stays out of my way, I go for a walk, visit my mum, message friends etc.

He's trying and is contrite and assures me he doesn't want her or for us to break up. We've talked about why he did it etc. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

So now what do I do. I don't want to leave him but how does one go about moving on and getting past the lies. It's the lying I can't stand and the fact she was my friend. And that I was there. I'm meeting up with some friends this week to chat but I don't know what happens from here. If someone had suggested this would happen to us I'd have laughed. He's never given me reason to mistrust him. He's not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was good, not perfect but pretty strong. I never imagined this could possibly happen. It's just blown my mind in the worst possible way.

If you made it to the end thanks so much.

My god, why are some people so utterly fucking STUPID?? I’d be livid, but would I end my marriage over it? Probably not, but it would depend on whether it was just a drunken one off. The husband of an acquaintance once drunkenly declared undying love for me and tried to ram his tongue in my mouth. In public, in front of a large group of friends. I legged it sharpish and he’s never been able to look me in the eye since - he was just pissed and being ridiculous! Drink does make people do stupid things. In that scenario, he’d get a massive bollocking, but I’d probably let it go, particularly if everything else in the marriage was good. If however I found out there had been contact between them outside of this event (messages that had been hidden etc) I would throw him out until I could ascertain exactly what had gone on and decide from there. Only you know these things OP and you seem certain this is a one off. I would say I hope you’ve gone full detective though….I’d want to see itemised phone bills, bank statements, check his phone for hidden apps etc. He’s broken your trust and full transparency is part of what is needed to attempt to restore that.
I wouldn’t get hung up on the “he liked her” stuff….he’s married, not dead and of course you can still like/fancy people. What you cannot do, is act on it. IF he just made a one off pissed up mistake, I’d be inclined to make him sweat but ultimately let it go. If it’s more, it’s a harder decision. I would also be severely pissed off at her - They both CHOSE to do this….she has some responsibility too. Good luck op, it’s an awful thing to have to deal with xxx

@Buildingthefuture nobody here is "utterly fucking STUPID" we all have different boundaries and deal breakers. To me my DH snogging my friend crosses that line, that's my personal view and my right to feel that way

What has got you so angry that you feel the need to insult the majority of PPs on this thread? I'm assuming it's maybe triggered something for you but that's not our fault

[quote itlod]**@Buildingthefuture* nobody here is "utterly fucking STUPID"* we all have different boundaries and deal breakers. To me my DH snogging my friend crosses that line, that's my personal view and my right to feel that way

What has got you so angry that you feel the need to insult the majority of PPs on this thread? I'm assuming it's maybe triggered something for you but that's not our fault [/quote]
Exactly

I do agree a bit with angry poster above, people do stupid stuff. And it’s ok to fancy other people, acting on it clearly isn’t, but a drunken one off shouldn’t necessarily end a marriage.otherwise there’d be hundreds of divorces after drunken office Christmas parties. Mostly the spouse doesn’t know and there’s a huge embarrassment at work after Christmas because of a drunk snog.

In this case, with the wife there, you do have to wonder.

For me a line has been crossed. Trust would be gone and I can’t imagine I would be able to be happy or carry on. I have too much self respect to allow BS like this. What a horrible friend btw. Hope you have the strength to ditch those two.

I think we are missing the point. Imagine the shock of finding your DH on the dance floor about to kiss someone. I think your senses must have alerted you to go looking for them. It’s an enormous shock. Don’t do anything in haste, take your time, and work out how you feel about continuing your life with him and whether you can forgive him. You won’t forget this.

@HugeAckmansWife

Bloody hell, the dramatics on here. 'he' s not a safe partner' etc. OP it's v v easy to look from the outside and think 'I'd never put up with that, woman up and LTB, you'll never feel the same, the trust has gone'. Life is not an episode of Eastenders. Its a shock, its horrible and he's an idiot but there's a real marriage here, two people, a home, two whole lives. I get the sunk costs fallacy thing but for this one incident, absolutely not would I be ending things or running to counsellors to tell me how I should be feeling as though I'm somehow betraying all women if I don't Gloria Gaynor this.

You have a very poor understanding of what counselling provides.

See, saying 'I have too much self respect' to stay implies that anyone who would lacks it. That's absolutely not true. We just have different views of what a drunken dance floor snog means, or even a passing attraction. You're not dead from the neck down when you're married. If all else was as solid as long marriages are, I would not be jumping ship for this

@itlod….by people being utterly fucking stupid, I meant ops husband and her friend, NOT posters on this thread!!

I understand you not wanting to get your friends involved but you are the most important person to be thinking of in this situation. You need to know if any of the other friends saw the flirting at the previous night out and if your husband did look for you at the bar, from the friend who was left. Just for your own piece of mind and to help you move forward.
I am your age and I wouldn’t end my marriage over this but I would make sure it was just a one off and it was his last chance.
As for your ‘friend’ I wouldn’t ever been in a room with her again!

@Justilou1

I think you should also consider that her number could be stored under someone else’s name. (Cheaters usually hide their lover’s number by using a man’s name. If you ever catch up with her again, ask to borrow her phone while in his presence. Ring his number and see what happens.)

Very true.

If you dial someone's number it will come up, even if saved other the name of another.

Yes, that is me. I will never be trusting after a humiliation like this. However, there are huge differences between standards. I know of women who accept the husbands have kids with other women and look to the other side and are happy to stay. One in particular pretends she does not know.

He was prepared to risk loosing you for a dance floor snog.

Before I got married I promised myself that if I ever found myself attracted to another man, I would consider if I was willing to loose dh before I acted in it.

I have been faithful for nearly 20 years and have definitely fancied some folk along the way.

Even if you both want to stay together, he has weakened the protective ring around your relationship. Next time he feels an attraction, what is there to loose? Certainly not pride in an unblemished record.

I'm so sorry, what an appalling thing to happen.

yes I would dial her number in his phone and see if it comes up

If he is working from home, does he have a work mobile, email you don't have access to?

Not saying you should have access to everything all the time anyway.

I just can't get my head round how it went from a one off flirting at one get together. To this at another, months later.

Its like there's the middle of the story missing.

Another friend should have her number then you can check his phone.

Hmm. Mid forties. Really, is this the first time? It was so brazen, in public whilst you and others were there. It was also premeditated. To be attracted to someone is one thing. But to then get pissed and dance with them, rather than avoiding that situation? Hmm.

[quote Buildingthefuture]@itlod….by people being utterly fucking stupid, I meant ops husband and her friend, NOT posters on this thread!![/quote]
Ah, sorry! I read it as you were saying people who would end their marriage over it were stupid. Apologies, my mistake with interpretation

Dear Op,

This is so tough. To have the rug pulled from under your feet in this way. One minute completely happy in your relationship and then this happens.

You need to give yourself time and space.

This is all on him and he needs to do the work.

It’s early days and he will be of course full of remorse.

It will take months, years for you to heal from this.

If at any point, he behaves in the follow ways then be very wary;

Puts pressure on you to forgive him so things can get back to normal
Puts pressure on you to have sex with him before you feel ready
Minimizes his behaviour by saying things like ‘it was just a kiss’ ‘ l was drunk’ or ‘ it’s not like l planned it’
Accuses you of having an anger or emotional problem when understandably months later you still feel upset over his behaviour.

Bottom line is he needs to fully acknowledge the impact of his behaviour and understand that he risked everything by behaving the way he did. He cannot lose patience with you.

I don’t agree with the argument of;

‘Surely you are not going to leave your marriage over two kisses’

And l don’t think it works to logically weigh up all the good bits of the relationship and balance them against this indiscretion.

Because once trust is broken, it completely undermines everything else.

Your husband needs to get this with every fibre of his being. If he does then his values are in the right place and you may stand a chance.

But any blame-shifting, minimising, denial, half truths on his part will make the hurt even worse.

I know this from bitter experience. I didn’t leave straight away but l did six months later. He was always apologetic but never do did any work to help me heal. I think he just thought he could wait it out and in time l would come round. Then he started to blame me.

Time will tell xx

@Buildingthefuture

My god, why are some people so utterly fucking STUPID?? I’d be livid, but would I end my marriage over it? Probably not, but it would depend on whether it was just a drunken one off. The husband of an acquaintance once drunkenly declared undying love for me and tried to ram his tongue in my mouth. In public, in front of a large group of friends. I legged it sharpish and he’s never been able to look me in the eye since - he was just pissed and being ridiculous! Drink does make people do stupid things. In that scenario, he’d get a massive bollocking, but I’d probably let it go, particularly if everything else in the marriage was good. If however I found out there had been contact between them outside of this event (messages that had been hidden etc) I would throw him out until I could ascertain exactly what had gone on and decide from there. Only you know these things OP and you seem certain this is a one off. I would say I hope you’ve gone full detective though….I’d want to see itemised phone bills, bank statements, check his phone for hidden apps etc. He’s broken your trust and full transparency is part of what is needed to attempt to restore that. I wouldn’t get hung up on the “he liked her” stuff….he’s married, not dead and of course you can still like/fancy people. What you cannot do, is act on it. IF he just made a one off pissed up mistake, I’d be inclined to make him sweat but ultimately let it go. If it’s more, it’s a harder decision. I would also be severely pissed off at her - They both CHOSE to do this….she has some responsibility too. Good luck op, it’s an awful thing to have to deal with xxx

*I’d want to see itemised phone bills, bank statements, check his phone for hidden apps etc. He’s broken your trust and full transparency is part of what is needed to attempt to restore that*

If you had to go to those lengths them you clearly don’t trust him, so imagine how hard it would be to get that trust back? Some people never do. Once it’s gone it’s often gone.

‘I was drunk’ oh well that’s ok then, I’ll forgive you 🙄 they’d use that excuse every time.

You say other posters are stupid for ending their marriage. I would say they’re sensible for knowing their worth. Once the respect has gone and they get away with it, many of them will do it again because they know there’s no consequences.

The problem is, no one knows who will and won’t do it again, given the chance that’s why many people can’t get past it.

Don’t be a doormat.

@starcup again, I meant that ops husband and her friend were stupid, NOT posters on this thread.
For me, going out, getting pissed and snogging your wife's mate, in public, in front of her is the very definition of utterly fucking stupid! Would I end my marriage over it, if it was just a pissed up one off? Probably not. Does that mean I don't know my own worth - definitely not! It's never happened to me (yet, and as far as I know!) but it has happened to several good friends. Some chose to stay and have worked it out and are happy again. Some kicked him out and are also happy again. In my experience, the ones who worked through it required full transparency over phone/bank etc to HELP them to regain the trust, which you absolutely have to do if you want to remain in the relationship. I don't think there is a one size fits all answer here. You are neither a doormat or superwoman if you stay, you are neither a doormat or superwoman if you leave. Only op knows the state of her relationship overall and if it is worth the effort (primarily from him) it will take to recover from this.

Bloody hell, the dramatics on here. 'he' s not a safe partner' etc

I think she means reliable, dependable, has integrity etc.

And she's correct.

One evening woth flirtation some ago; then separating off together, smooching, kissing etc in the vicinity of your spouse and friendshup groups is a pretty phenomenal escalation in one evening.

You have to wonder.

You also have tk wkndee about the conflicted, stressed, dramatic looks op seems to ge saying they were giving each other; all that woe in the middle of kissing that's being dismissed as dru k fuelled, spintabsmeous, meaningless etc????!!!

*uugh this phone - spontaneous

@Justilou1

I think you should also consider that her number could be stored under someone else’s name. (Cheaters usually hide their lover’s number by using a man’s name. If you ever catch up with her again, ask to borrow her phone while in his presence. Ring his number and see what happens.)

Ow who everyone knows cheated on her partner previously, and who e ermine is provabky now aware has been caught in s compromising position with one of their groups spouses, and caused that man's spouse to essentially run out of a night out abd go home alone ..... so who's who's everyone now knows has cheated twice, and rhevsecind time with someone in the group's husband ... abs who's been avoiding answering any communication from his spouse; is going to hand over her phone (with no "editing") to his wife, and let her go through ot looking for her husband number and ring him from it?????

While out on a civil, ordinary meetup having previously been caught in a clinch with the male gakf of the couple??

I can't even .....

(Also if he ever had her number in his phone under any name, he's probably deleted by now so in the unbelievably unlikely scenario that ow handed her phone over to op during a civil meet up; it epilf most likely just come up as a number (with no contact attached) on his phone.