Husband kissed friend

[Berghia]

Sorry this is long.
I have name changed for obvious reasons but this isn't my first post.

Went out for drinks with husband and small group of friends. It's quite late, some have gone home and us remaining few are a bit drunk but not hammered.

Husband goes to bar with friend and they're gone ages. No longer at bar. I find them on dance floor talking so return to other friend and tell him. Something feels off so I go back and catch them as they're about to kiss. Feel like I'm in a soap opera.

I go home alone. Lots of angry phone call conversations with husband who wouldn't stop phoning me. Admitted they were about to kiss but kept saying that they'd not actually done anything. I said that was irrelevant as they would have if I'd not interrupted them. I tell him he needs to tell me now if anything has happened before or if anything did happen. He says no.

We talk a bit when I get home. I'm furious and tell him I'll never forgive him for the double betrayal and putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis. I tell him I can't ever trust him.

In the morning I'm still angry in shock etc. He then tearfully admits they did in fact kiss.

Later we talk some more, I've calmed a bit and no longer want to move out. I tell him I need space so he stays out of my way, I go for a walk, visit my mum, message friends etc.

He's trying and is contrite and assures me he doesn't want her or for us to break up. We've talked about why he did it etc. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

So now what do I do. I don't want to leave him but how does one go about moving on and getting past the lies. It's the lying I can't stand and the fact she was my friend. And that I was there. I'm meeting up with some friends this week to chat but I don't know what happens from here. If someone had suggested this would happen to us I'd have laughed. He's never given me reason to mistrust him. He's not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was good, not perfect but pretty strong. I never imagined this could possibly happen. It's just blown my mind in the worst possible way.

If you made it to the end thanks so much.

So sorry you are going through this.

He stayed after you left - so presumably the kiss happened then? If so, then even despite getting almost caught by you didn't deter them?

Or did he lie and that they had already kissed before you walked up to them and were about to kiss again?

But either way, it points to an absolute disregard for you on the night out - and I think that's maybe worse. Surely if he didn't intend anything, and this was totally out of the blue he'd have been in complete horrors when you walked up to them and left with you - or at least, followed you straight away, right?

This feels like some sort of flirting/ sexual tension was building for a while between them rather than a spur of the moment drunken fumble.

You've got a niggling feeling that you haven't been told everything -and I think you are right on that.

Wow thanks so much for the responses. Haven't had time to read through all but just wanted to say thanks and will read through and consider. I haven't spoken to my friend. I called her and sent a message but she's blanking me. This does not surprise me as she is somewhat spineless and selfish. I don't think he's cheated before. I don't know when he'd have chance but like has been said how do I trust him again. Lots to think about.

Hindsight is a marvellous thing, but I think you should have confronted them at the time, on the dance floor. Is there a reason you didn’t do this, embarrassment, shame or fear of how he would react.
It must have been a shock. Was the woman there with her partner or was she alone?

I would now be wondering if she is waiting to get some stories straight.

Why not just give you a teary ‘I’m sorry - I don’t know what I was thinking’ or similar?

I'm all for learning from your mistakes and none of us are perfect etc etc but this feels like a situation that would be very difficult to move on from. The dynamic of being out with your friends and the embarrassment he's brought on, the not respecting boundaries , leaving you in a precarious situation....not to mention the relationship trust being broken. Sorry but I'd be leaving him.

I did confront them, sorry that's not clear.
I said "are you fucking serious?" And walked off. He reckons he followed me straight away but I told him if he did he would have seen me leave so that's bullshit. We lost each other. He reckons he looked for me in a taxi.

He told me today she flirted with him the last time we went out. Interesting some of you said that was likely. She's more my friend than his. There's no chance they've slept together. No opportunity. Yes she has a partner who she lives with. She's kissed someone else before recently. I'm guessing she's not happy.

It would make socialising tricky but we only meet every few months or so. He's said he'll step back and won't go out with us again to make it easier. We have other friends who we socialise with. I dunno how it will work with her but that's the least of my problems. I suppose an apology would help but she's not been in touch.

He said he felt flattered and he did quite like her. I said well go with her then. He doesn't want to. He's adamant he wants to work through it. He's taken full responsibility. Apologised. Accepts he's massively let me down. He's trying he really is. The problem is whether I can get past it.

This is just an awful situation and I really feel for you. You’ve been betrayed by your husband AND your friend. I don’t know how you come back from
It keeping your friendship group and marriage intact.

So they were at the bar, she flirted, kissed his cheek then went to dancefloor. And yes I questioned the sanity of this. They kissed on the dance floor. Talked about how they shouldn't be doing it. Then I turned up just as they were about to kiss again.

Agree with previous posters- my fear would be that if he is bold enough to do this when you’re in the same room, what does he get up to when you’re not around?

Fuck. That's mental!

. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

It's because you are. Even with drink there must have been a build up to the kiss. Something is there. He's not being truthful.

And her? Fucking hell. I've no words. What a bitch.

If you are sure he hasn't cheated before as he hasn't had the opportunity then its even worse as the first chance he got he took it. It wasn't even an opportunity as you were actually there.
He was flattered , liked her and went for it. Full on snogging on the dance floor in front of his wife and friends.
This is unbelievable, I can't believe you are being so calm about it.

Only you can decide whether you can get past this and carry on your relationship. I would struggle to get past it but yhe friendship would be over for me the moment it happened.

Oh OP your last update is even worse. Why on earth did he follow her. He could of told her 'no thanks!' I think that is your answer right there.

I'd leave the attack on your husband for a bit and ask this woman what on earth she's playing at with your husband. Wtf. You may even get some more details out of her.

If he acts like that when yo're around, what does he get up to when you're not?
I know you said you don't want to leave but how will you ever be able to trust him? For me, the relationship is doomed.

*you're

I've missed a few questions. Her partner wasn't there.
There's no kids but we've been married over 12 years.
I've never noticed them flirting before. He's never been alone with her. Most of our friends are mutual. We rarely go out on our own. I know this is frowned upon but it works for us. Ha. Well maybe not🙄

You can't trust either of them from this point. I would cut them both out of my life as soon as possible. Neither of them respect you. They will be sneaker next time. Don't waste your life.

I’m sorry OP. It’s not a great piston to be in I’m sure.

Can you ask him for a bit of space? Maybe being alone and taking some time to think about everything and evaluate what you want to happen. A short spa break for yourself could perhaps be what you need to recharge and take time out to think. Or him going to stay somewhere for a few days or a week.

I could not get past this betrayal but you may be more forgiving than me. Maybe put him on final warning. This kissing lady would no longer be my friend and I would tell other friends what she and husband did too.

@Berghia

Sorry this is long. I have name changed for obvious reasons but this isn't my first post.

Went out for drinks with husband and small group of friends. It's quite late, some have gone home and us remaining few are a bit drunk but not hammered.

Husband goes to bar with friend and they're gone ages. No longer at bar. I find them on dance floor talking so return to other friend and tell him. Something feels off so I go back and catch them as they're about to kiss. Feel like I'm in a soap opera.

I go home alone. Lots of angry phone call conversations with husband who wouldn't stop phoning me. Admitted they were about to kiss but kept saying that they'd not actually done anything. I said that was irrelevant as they would have if I'd not interrupted them. I tell him he needs to tell me now if anything has happened before or if anything did happen. He says no.

We talk a bit when I get home. I'm furious and tell him I'll never forgive him for the double betrayal and putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis. I tell him I can't ever trust him.

In the morning I'm still angry in shock etc. He then tearfully admits they did in fact kiss.

Later we talk some more, I've calmed a bit and no longer want to move out. I tell him I need space so he stays out of my way, I go for a walk, visit my mum, message friends etc.

He's trying and is contrite and assures me he doesn't want her or for us to break up. We've talked about why he did it etc. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

So now what do I do. I don't want to leave him but how does one go about moving on and getting past the lies. It's the lying I can't stand and the fact she was my friend. And that I was there. I'm meeting up with some friends this week to chat but I don't know what happens from here. If someone had suggested this would happen to us I'd have laughed. He's never given me reason to mistrust him. He's not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was good, not perfect but pretty strong. I never imagined this could possibly happen. It's just blown my mind in the worst possible way.

If you made it to the end thanks so much.

So sorry this has happened to you. All I can think is that if they were happy to do that when you were out with them, imagine what would be going on when you weren't. No way I could move past this. Hope you make a decision that works out for the best. Sending you hugs

But there must have been boundaries crossed before they got to this point which would mean a loss of trust for me. When you say you’re not apart surely you aren’t together 24/7?

Also agree with pp tell everyone

So she flirted with him on a previous occasion so he knew she was in to him but he still went off alone with her for a snog? He obviously wanted it to happen otherwise he’d have kept his distance,

Probably would have wound up going further if you hadn’t seen them, not that night as you were there, but they were definitely laying the groundwork,

I couldn’t forgive the kiss with a random with him knowing you were nearby (totally disrespectful) and being sober enough that they knew it was wrong but the previous flirting makes it 10 times worse, and with your FRIEND FFS! Someone else could have seen them if you hadn’t as well. gossiping behind your back.

I couldn’t get over that nor what I want to. Now you know he’s disloyal and up for an affair.