Husband kissed friend

[Berghia]

Sorry this is long.
I have name changed for obvious reasons but this isn't my first post.

Went out for drinks with husband and small group of friends. It's quite late, some have gone home and us remaining few are a bit drunk but not hammered.

Husband goes to bar with friend and they're gone ages. No longer at bar. I find them on dance floor talking so return to other friend and tell him. Something feels off so I go back and catch them as they're about to kiss. Feel like I'm in a soap opera.

I go home alone. Lots of angry phone call conversations with husband who wouldn't stop phoning me. Admitted they were about to kiss but kept saying that they'd not actually done anything. I said that was irrelevant as they would have if I'd not interrupted them. I tell him he needs to tell me now if anything has happened before or if anything did happen. He says no.

We talk a bit when I get home. I'm furious and tell him I'll never forgive him for the double betrayal and putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis. I tell him I can't ever trust him.

In the morning I'm still angry in shock etc. He then tearfully admits they did in fact kiss.

Later we talk some more, I've calmed a bit and no longer want to move out. I tell him I need space so he stays out of my way, I go for a walk, visit my mum, message friends etc.

He's trying and is contrite and assures me he doesn't want her or for us to break up. We've talked about why he did it etc. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

So now what do I do. I don't want to leave him but how does one go about moving on and getting past the lies. It's the lying I can't stand and the fact she was my friend. And that I was there. I'm meeting up with some friends this week to chat but I don't know what happens from here. If someone had suggested this would happen to us I'd have laughed. He's never given me reason to mistrust him. He's not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was good, not perfect but pretty strong. I never imagined this could possibly happen. It's just blown my mind in the worst possible way.

If you made it to the end thanks so much.

Thanks again everyone for your input. Some of it resonates some just makes me think wtf surely not? But it's really helpful to hear different perspectives. I really appreciate everyone who's taken the time to respond.
I'll try and answer some questions. No we're not together 24/7 but he works from home. We don't live near 'friend' and I just can't see how that would happen. He's shown me his phone too. She's not in his contacts.
I might sound calm but I'm not. I'm just experiencing all sorts of emotions.

Of course friendship is over. We weren't massively close anyway. I mean we were in a way but not the type of friends to call each other up for a chat. We always socialise as a group. I have no idea what will happen with that but meh.

I'd like to speak to 'friend' but she hasn't replied and I doubt she'd pick up if I called. Another friend who went home with her said she was upset saying she'd messed up so I don't think there's more going on.

I've asked why he didn't just walk away and he just keeps saying he wishes he had.

He's offered to move out after I pointed out it shouldn't be me inconvenienced. I dunno if that would help. I've questioned him on how it all transpired and why he didn't tell me about the flirting. I think he was flattered. Pathetic I know. He's admitted he's been attracted to her for a while. Again I asked why didn't you tell me this.

He says he looked for me in the bar. I still don't get this. Why not just follow straight away. He got home before me. He was worried and kept phoning me but yes I am pissed off about that.

He knows it's his responsibility to earn back my trust and he knows it will take time. I've made that clear. I've also said there's no guarantee I ever will get past it.

Most people in the group know. We're not best friends, we just meet up every few months for a catch up. I mean we're sort of close but not each others main group of friends if that makes sense.

There's no contact between them that I can see on his phone. I do believe that. Honestly we're mid 40s, don't go out that often and when we do, we go together. I really don't think there's an affair. I'm not minimising what he's done but I'm almost certain of that. As certain as I can be.

PP have said their husband would never do this. That's exactly what I thought about mine. It's just so out of character.

It happened Saturday. I know I'm not supposed to be over it yet and I'm definitely going to give it time. I just want to know what getting over it looks like. And what can he do? I know he'd do pretty much whatever I asked of him.

I didn't think I would be able to get past it Saturday or Sunday. I was devastated and livid. But feelings change don't they. Who knows if I can but I want to try. I can't give up on what we had.

I don't think they were giggling about it. They looked pretty shitty when I caught them. The second before they saw me, they looked conflicted and upset I suppose. I know that's not much but they weren't giggling.

I actually suggested that he wanted to get caught. I suggested he wanted out of the marriage. Told him get with her then. He was adamant that wasn't what he wants.

I have got friends I can talk to. I've been messaging them and I'm meeting them soon. I think that will help.

It's interesting most of you think I should ltb. That was my initial reaction. Some of the words used ..contempt... disrespectful. Words that I used to him last night and believe me I was raging. Now I just feel incredibly sad and broken. I'm surprised though. I thought I'd be told I'm overreacting and it's a drunken snog. So it's helpful to know I'm not.

@Bexxe I really appreciated your perspective. I know it's not popular but alcohol does play a part. And no it isn't an excuse. I've told him maybe he needs to cut down if he can't control himself. 🙄🙄🙄🤨

We do have stuff we need to address which contributed to his stupid decision. We've talked about it. He accepts it's not an excuse and I made it clear that by cheating instead of talking he made it worse. He's not a great communicator. Not with heavy stuff.

Maybe I'm an idiot to even consider giving him a second chance. But I think I have to try while like a PP said keeping my expectations low.

Thank you everyone for your input, advice and support. It has helped me process and it means a lot.

The ltb is fuelled by people extrapolating a whole heap of other things and maintaining, my partner would never do that, and minimising the drug that is alcohol.

OP you sound in a good place. This needn't be the end of world. It's good you are focusing on facts, as much as you can.

We do have stuff we need to address which contributed to his stupid decision. We've talked about it. He accepts it's not an excuse and I made it clear that by cheating instead of talking he made it worse. He's not a great communicator. Not with heavy stuff.

Then I’d say that counselling is your way forward. Counselling for both you individually and together as a couple of you can.
Counselling together at the very least. Because if communication is at the root of his (mis)behaviour, then you need to address that ASAP.

Thank you both.

The thought of counselling makes me turn inside out with cringe. I'd be mortified. I know that's ridiculous and probably part of the problem. I will give it some thought though.

Surely they just wouldn't kids randomly. I'd suspect this has been going on for quite some time and they took the chance to have a kiss when they thought no one was looking

If he does this when you're there, what does he do when you're not there? Key question: did he leave the bar and follow you straight home or not? If so, maybe he is very contrite, if not did he carry on kissing friend (and possibly more) and come home later?

honestly, I rather disagree with most posters on here. You've been married 12 years and unless I missed it in your posts, been otherwise happy. I've cheated and been cheated on, seen it all from all sides. I 100% would not throw away a 12 year marriage for a drunken kiss on a dancefloor. And actually, I wouldn't do counselling and endless talking about it. He fucked up. He's owned it, he's offered to do whatever you need and sounds gutted that he did it. You can avoid the "friend" so that's easy dealt with. Spend some quality time together by all means, put a more focus on you as a couple instead of just rubbing along comfortably but from my POV, drunken kisses on a dance floor are really not that hard to fall into if one party is trying hard for it to happen and really doesn't have to be a LTB scenario. But in the end, as you say, its up to what YOU think you can live with and that's different for everyone so there is no right answer.

I think he’s being deceitful. Where did you go the last time you all got together? Were they alone? I don’t know OP. There’s so many guys in the world. Surely life has to be easier/happier than this? I think you can say farewell to peace of mind if you let him off with this. Don’t you want better than this? It taints everything.

@nocnoc

I think he’s being deceitful. Where did you go the last time you all got together? Were they alone? I don’t know OP. There’s so many guys in the world. Surely life has to be easier/happier than this? I think you can say farewell to peace of mind if you let him off with this. Don’t you want better than this? It taints everything.

Perhaps OP thinks she can't do better than her husband. I would be off, because he has broken the spell. It can never go back to the way it was.

There's no contact between them that I can see on his phone

Ex cheater here. When people act like a couple it’s because they are. Going to the bar together, the intimate chat and the blatant kissing is couple behaviour.

I don’t accept one instance of flirting has led to this blatant cheating and I think it’s highly likely been having contact for some time. They clearly have some sort of relationship.

It’s not unusual for people to put their affair partners name in their phone under a colleagues name or to have a second phone. I used to chat to my affair partner via eBay messages.

… “He admitted he’s been attracted to her for a while.”…

@Berghia, how do process and get passed that?!

They haven't been alone before. We were all together but I wasn't aware of the flirting. He says he came after me straight away. He thinks he looked for me in the bar but it's a bit of a blur🙄 I know they weren't together for long cos our other friend went home with her.

He phoned me repeatedly cos I kept ignoring or hanging up.

I don't know if I can do better. That's irrelevant though. I'd rather be single than miserable but I need to at least try and see if we can move past this.

I really feel for you OP, your head must be spinning. Sending big hugs your way.

I’ve been cheated on by an ex, it was a kiss in a nightclub and the daft man texted me about it instead of his friend because he was in such a tizz. I sobbed and screamed and was sure that was it for us, but I calmed down after a couple of days and we ended up staying together for roughly another year and breaking up due to (mostly) unrelated issues. Trusting again was difficult, and frankly I don’t think he worked hard enough to try and make amends and show me I didn’t need to worry. Your husband really needs to step up, it’s good that he seems to acknowledge that.

It’s so easy to read a post and say ‘ltb’, and obviously there’s a benefit from an opinion which is formed without an emotional attachment to the situation, but you clearly love him and have been together a long time, it’s not easy to throw that away. If your gut instinct is that you want to stay and try and work through it, then I don’t think anyone can tell you that’s wrong.

This must all still be so raw for you, I think more time will help you realise what you need from him, or what arrangements you need to put in place to restore the faith that you had before. Don’t be afraid to be selfish for as long as you need to, he’s got to prove himself now.

I hope you’ve got lots of love and support around you

Well fancying someone isn't the end of the world as long as you don't act on it I suppose. I dunno how you process it. It's not easy.
I can't see how they'd have an affair. He works from home. He's constantly busy. He can't just sneak off. I'm home before he finishes work. The hours she works would also make it impossible. It's difficult to explain and I know I'll never convince you but they're not having an affair, I'm certain if it.

Thanks pinkdaffodils 🙂 and everyone else. I appreciate it.

Some things jump out.

He has shown you his phone. But he could have deleted her and the message thread. I am not saying he has.

But it's gone fro. She flirted on a night out, once, then to kissing in public somewhere you would see them. That's a massive escalation. Very odd to be nothing in-between.

You sat they didn't look like they were giggling and looked conflicted and upset. But wenr in for another kiss. If they were conflicted and upset, it wasn't because they regretted their mistake.

And the fact that that he didn't follow you immediately, but stayed with her (even for a few minutes) says alot. There does appear to be huge chunks missing, that you don't know about.

Personally, I have never cheated when drunk. I dont believe its a reason or excuse. But alot of this happened when he was sober. He chose to go on the night out with you when he was sober, knowing she had flirted and he was attracted to her. He chose not to tell you about the flirting when sober. He chose to get pissed, knowing she was there and there was something between them. He knew you was there when he was sober.

Stuff like this rarely happens out of the blue. Lots has led up to it, that he chose not to share. And I am sorry to say, I think he is still choosing not to share with you.

He was adamant that wasn't what he wants

So was I, when I was found out.

OP, I have no more idea about what's going on than you have. But all I can give you is my own experience. I can add to this that I would sooner have root canal surgery than look at another man now that I am with my long-term DP. I would laugh at anyone who even looked vaguely suggestive, because I love and respect him and the idea of my lips touching anyone else's is repugnant to me. We have been together for 8 years. XH and I stayed together for a very long time because of the children, when our own relationship had run its course. If we hadn't had children, we would have packed it in a lot sooner. Life is too short to waste on an unsatisfactory relationship.

He works from home. He's constantly busy. He can't just sneak off. I'm home before he finishes work. The hours she works would also make it impossible

It is not impossible to book a day off work without your spouse knowing. It’s not impossible for your friend to book time of without you knowing and it’s definitely not impossible that they don’t chat regularly without you knowing.

As for the phone thing: people set too much store by phones. I had two phones when I was married (a while ago, so not smartphones). I had the second one set to 'silent', so my husband didn't ask annoying questions. I used to "walk the dog" late at night, on the grounds that it was easier as the children were asleep. It was actually so I could talk at length to another man while I was walking. Phones mean nothing. If there's a will, there's a way.

Well fancying someone isn't the end of the world as long as you don't act on it I suppose.

But he did.

Just to give you a different perspective from the LTB brigade. I've been in a similar situation, with someone making a play for my DH (before we were married, but we'd been together about 10 years at that point) and them kissing, and again both had been drinking. I wasn't there but he came home and told me. we spent most of the next week apart before I decided that I wasn't going to throw everything away for one drunken moment. I've never regretted it, and we've been together more than 30 years now. He has since told me that he was extremely immature, terrified that he seemed to be settling down with me and was trying to push me to dump him because he couldn't bring himself to dump me. He still regrets it bitterly, but actually, I got past it pretty quickly.

I'm a bit overinvested, evidently - but I'm wondering, given how short life is, why anyone would bother with someone who's snogging someone else, unless they have children together (which complicate things). There is so much wonderful stuff out there, just waiting to be experienced. Why would you stick in a rut of a partner who fancies someone else enough to snog her in public, when there are so many brilliant and wonderful things you could do instead?

@AbbottLyon

I'm a bit overinvested, evidently - but I'm wondering, given how short life is, why anyone would bother with someone who's snogging someone else, unless they have children together (which complicate things). There is so much wonderful stuff out there, just waiting to be experienced. Why would you stick in a rut of a partner who fancies someone else enough to snog her in public, when there are so many brilliant and wonderful things you could do instead?

Because you love them? Because you have years of shared history? Because one mistake doesn’t have to negate everyone other experience together?

I don’t think I could forgive an affair and the lies and deception that involves, but OP seems certain that’s not the case (and she has more facts than the rest of us, so let’s respect that) and so it is a case of whether or not she can forgive a stupid, drunken incident.

@AbbottLyon

I'm a bit overinvested, evidently - but I'm wondering, given how short life is, why anyone would bother with someone who's snogging someone else, unless they have children together (which complicate things). There is so much wonderful stuff out there, just waiting to be experienced. Why would you stick in a rut of a partner who fancies someone else enough to snog her in public, when there are so many brilliant and wonderful things you could do instead?

Maybe because no person and no situation and no relationship is without flaws and if we all gave up on every job, house, person or pursuit when there was a flaw we'd lead dysfunctional, chaotic lives.

Why you think it's your place to criticise someone trying to weigh the full picture rather than making a knee-jerk reaction, or feign incredulity at someone wanting to work on a relationship I don't know.

This happened to a friend many years ago now. Her boyfriend of 3 years went out one night and snogged someone else from work.

He came home and told her and said he was really sorry, completely pissed, didn't know what he was doing. But that it was no excuse.

He was completely honest.

I guess the question for you is, was your DH ever going to own up if you hadn't of seen them.

He sounds like he subconsciously wants to sabotage the relationship. Ask him why. What is he scared of?

You could also watch Esther Perel on YouTube. She talks about why people have affairs. It's fascinating. You realise that an affair is never about the sex - it's about that person wanting to be seen in a different light, to become a new version of themselves.

It's not you he's unhappy with, it's himself and what is now. Perhaps he is bored of your life and he is doing this to add some zazzle. Not very clever but if you look at Esther's work she talks about how love becomes the very opposite of lust.

I really do recommend watching her stuff.