Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

I would still carry the mental and emotional load and probably all their washing. He can feed them etc

Only if you let him.

2 sets of school uniforms, one at each house, you wash and iron your own, anything that happens in your time, you deal with. He buys clothes and food from them so they have items to wear at his his house. Parents evenings, you both get notified, if he chooses not to attend that's his decision. The same for school events, plays etc. I'd take on the mental load for things like dentist and hair appointments.

This.

@ESGdance

Don’t use your precious and finite emotional energy, time and headspace to carry on this futile, frustrating dance any longer.

Drop the rope. Detach from him emotionally in your head. Conserve your finite energy to redirect it to getting clarity and planning your way out of this marriage. You might well need professional emotional support to help you gain insight and agency.

Honestly your life will be a breeze when he is gone. Been there. Done that.

This.

He's a loser, who has an absolute idiot made out of you.

Do NOTHING further for him, that involves him and get a divorce.

He will manage just fine without you.

He doesn't give a damn about you and is laughing at you, running around after him.

Wake up and get rid of him.

@ESGdance

www.gottman.com/

It seems that you have done loads if you have already seen a solicitor. I agree with PP that the financial situation is a bitter pill to swallow.

However you could also see a separation as a significant positive emotional investment in the future life time mental well-being of your DCs and yourself.

Not everything is about money, although you could also reframe the issue that as your DH is financially secure due to his parents and benefiting from your home - then your DC will also benefit from this directly.

I don’t know how old your DCs are but mine were teenagers and the penny dropped that I could sustain being at the end of my tether but that they would soon leave with this dysfunctional dynamic as their childhood legacy and they deserved better (even if I thought I didn’t).

There is no rush on this. Best is to get your own emotional state calmed and restored, get professional emotional support if you can, put in loads of self care (sleep, eat, rest, exercise etc) talk to trusted friends and it will become obvious if and when you push the button.

@cleocleo81 - in some ways it’s good that you have chipped away and offloaded some tasks but it’s also cripplingly sad that a someone will allow their partner to fall apart under the strain of their behaviour and only change it when it threatens them - it’s all very self serving - it’s not because he cares about you or your family unit - he still does the absolute minimum to allow him to stay.

Yes totally agree that it's not all about finance and I wouldn't let it stop me from splitting- it just totally pisses me off but then life's like that!

I'm looking after myself- eating well, sleeping wellish, no smoking, no alcohol, little caffeine, yoga, running, walking, meditation, reading useful books and talking to trusted friends- any other ideas are gratefully received.

Husband has come back to me and said he agrees to go to therapy. Those words annoy me.

@Triffid1

I completely understand the financial irritation but think of it this way - you divorce him now and you are giving him less than if you divorce him in another 10 years.

Also, I'd see another solicitor. when you consider how often women who are the residential parent still get almost nothing, it's hard to believe that you can't fight for at least some of your original investment. Also, it's all very well him staying he'll want 50/50 but is that really in their best interests? eg who currently does school runs, engages with school, organises extra curricular, drives them to extra curricular etc? Because I think he's going to struggle to prove that he is a 50/50 parent currently and that keeping that is best for the DC.

Ah but he does take DS to football training 2/3 times a week and don't I know about it. I used to do it until he suddenly showed an interest. He martyrs about it now and I remind him how long I did it for but he just says that was in the past. He ignores all the other stuff. While he's at football I spend quality time with dd but the other way round that wouldn't happen

Thanks @WarriorN I was asking about Gottman for me not husband. I’ll have a look at the link later

To be honest I often forget carrier bags when I go shopping

How is the relationship aside from these annoying things. I’m not sure I’d LTB unless I’m missing something?

Exactly @bucketsoflove

You are doing everything you can, turning yourself inside out and still it’s not tolerable.

That’s totally understandable.

I can’t see how couples therapy will bring any peace to you life or be constructive. I predict it will give you the rage. It is never advised to do couples therapy with an abusive partner because they will just continue to abuse you covertly in the session by manipulating and gaslighting and then overtly abuse you out of session by pulling on any vulnerabilities that you revealed.

Maybe invest in your own solo therapy to support you in coming to a conclusion / acceptance and taking agency in your life (which ever path you eventually choose).

Your answers and peace of mind lie with yourself and will not come from anything he does or says.

Take yourself out of punching distance.

Agreeing to go to therapy is likely just another manipulation on his push/pull, nice/nasty cycle to buy him some time / get you off his back for now. If he believed there was an issue to fix or was motivated to change he would be banging down their doors - but the current situation suits him just fine and what he really wants is normal service resumed - if you bought him some pants and washed his clothes, let him off all chores and threw in a shag - he would be delighted. That’s what he wants.

All I can really advise is to automate and outsource what you can (online supermarket shopping, deliveries etc), just for the sake of your sanity, then find more simple things for him to “own” - he needs both the task and the consequences to sit with him if he’s ever going to learn, otherwise you’ll always be bailing him out.
That’s, of course, if you can be bothered - only you know if it’s worth ploughing on.

@bucketsoflove

50:50 financially is galling but YOU will be so much better off without him. He sounds awful and your only responsibility is to put yourself and DC first.

The irony is you'll end up doing all the jobs yourself but without the resentment that he should be sharing the load. And you'll decide how and when they'll get done.

Who could be bothered with allocating tasks and checking a fully functioning adult has done them, what a waste of life.

This was my experience. Such a relief and also harmony returned to the home. My teens became part of the team - pitched in - it was a breeze, whereas before they were adopting his truculent, slobbish, disrespectful and entitled ways.

Ah but he does take DS to football training 2/3 times a week and don't I know about it. I used to do it until he suddenly showed an interest. He martyrs about it now and I remind him how long I did it for but he just says that was in the past. He ignores all the other stuff. While he's at football I spend quality time with dd but the other way round that wouldn't happen

Hahaha, 1 little activity.... bless him. I think any court would take him doing one activity with 1 child as a sign of a not terribly involved parent. For perspective, this week, DH did ballet, I will probably drop off at karate and he will collect. I am doing swimming this week (he usually does it). I will be taking DS to football while he takes DD to a christmas fair. This weekend he has DD while DS is at football again (and as he's doing an extra work thing, he's organising childcare/taking her with him). Then he will take DD and her buddy to soft play on Sunday.

There will also be something in it for him taking DS to football no doubt - do the other parents stay and watch / chat etc - does he get some social payback from this?

Husband has come back to me and said he agrees to go to therapy. Those words annoy me.

I see that his lordship has worked out he needs to make some kind of concession to try to get you back on side, or at least not too enraged. Keep planning and look for a shit hot solicitor is my advice.

Disney dads are a real thing.

@Calamityhuman

To be honest I often forget carrier bags when I go shopping

How is the relationship aside from these annoying things. I’m not sure I’d LTB unless I’m missing something?

It’s not about forgetting some carrier bags though…. So when you forget carrier bags what do you do with the new ones you got? Do you just leave them strewn on the worktop in the kitchen forever or do you put them somewhere? What about empty jars and pots? Do you just leave them in cupboards/fridge/worktops/the car/the bedroom. Do you leave the bins overflowing? The washing spilling out? Do your kids have lunch? A clean uniform? Underwear? Do they get GP appointments arranged and taken to? Do they get listened to? Emotional support? I could go on.

I always remember my ex constantly telling me to lower my standards and by the end I just couldn't lower them anymore.

The twat didn't know how much he earned or how to access the joint bank account. I watched him one time spend 40 mins trying to figure out how to empty the dirt from the vacuum cleaner. A 5 year old had more cop than him and that's an insult to 5 year olds.

I feel your pain OP, these men wear you down to the point of utter resentment, anger and exhaustion and then look like a bunny caught in the headlights playing the poor me victim role when you've decided you deserve so much better than a twattish manchild. xx

I think @calamityhuman has missed the entire thread!

@FMSucks god yes that’s it! Husband also cannot access joint account but does get a notification if we go overdrawn and shouts in an accusatory fashion ‘WHY ARE WE OVERDRAWN?’ I then find myself trying to explain that I have used it because I took the kids away for five days and needed to pay for petrol/food and he shouts’IF I BUY ANYTHING FOR THE KIDS I USE MY OWN ACCOUNT’. As if I’m trying to rob him blind. I then try to calmly point out 1. actually you usually pay for a weeks shop out of the joint account but this particular week I was away with the kids so you didn’t do a big shop and I had to make sure everyone was fed. 2. You used the joint account to pay for a meal you went to on your own 3. You never take the kids away, amuse them whilst they’re on school hols so you’re lucky I’m here. 4. Why don’t you get access to the joint account then you can see what it is being used for. 5. Instead of shouting every month about it going overdrawn can’t we put more money in like I suggest every month? 6. If you really want to speak about the account in a mature manner perhaps suggest a sit down and discussion rather than shouting in a car park at 8pm at night whilst with the kids?

Could you take a step back and get a cleaner paid for out of joint money?

For grocery shopping don't bother with a list, he knows what's needed. With any luck he'll bring back easy food like breaded fish, chicken Kievs etc. Bingo, no need to cook either! One of the kids can put stuff in the oven and serve it up. You'll all survive. It would be funny if he gets annoyed if you run out of his favourite items though.

In the meantime do some things for you! Meet your friends for a drink, have a facial, go for a hike - whatever floats your boat!

After this if you're not happy in your marriage, go with your gut. You deserve to be.

@Kindtomyself - tell him he can look after the joint account. I got the same crap until I told him I would transfer all the bills over to his name, send him the budget s/sheet and let him manage the finances. He never moaned again about it.

It might be helpful to to counseling with him even if you are sure you want to separate - you can hash out some of the coparenting stuff that way. It might be cheaper than mediation too.

@Calamityhuman

To be honest I often forget carrier bags when I go shopping

How is the relationship aside from these annoying things. I’m not sure I’d LTB unless I’m missing something?

You are missing a lot. Read OP's posts maybe ?

OP sounds like me and my partner, we aren't even married. I say to myself I don't mind doing extra such as sorting bills as I know he'd have no clue, (we do weekly food shopping together), washing up, meals....

He sorts my car, he does the garden and everything physically I cannot do but everything else is me. All I can say is wait until something becomes an issue and then don't 'act' on it. He will realise when he's not done something he should have.

Most men I've known are the same though (sorry) and worse.

Makes your blood boil, I know.

@ExpectingLady93

OP sounds like me and my partner, we aren't even married. I say to myself I don't mind doing extra such as sorting bills as I know he'd have no clue, (we do weekly food shopping together), washing up, meals....

He sorts my car, he does the garden and everything physically I cannot do but everything else is me. All I can say is wait until something becomes an issue and then don't 'act' on it. He will realise when he's not done something he should have.

Most men I've known are the same though (sorry) and worse.

Makes your blood boil, I know.

I don't think most men are like this

@coodawoodashooda a lot I've come across have very similar tendencies to 'zone out' to some extent. Probably not ALL men (I have yet to meet them!)

It can also stem from upbringing... my DP was mothered 9999.9% to a point I'm surprised she wasn't wiping his arse.