Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

I'm 12 yrs in to a marriage like this, it's crushing me. Husband does do housework etc, just not life admin. It's so draining, he does things wrong, forgets then lies about it, looking to get out ASAP!

@Sisiwawa

I'm 12 yrs in to a marriage like this, it's crushing me. Husband does do housework etc, just not life admin. It's so draining, he does things wrong, forgets then lies about it, looking to get out ASAP!

I'm genuinely sorry to hear this. It's so energy sapping. Be kind to yourself you bloody need it

[quote ExpectingLady93]@coodawoodashooda a lot I've come across have very similar tendencies to 'zone out' to some extent. Probably not ALL men (I have yet to meet them!)

It can also stem from upbringing... my DP was mothered 9999.9% to a point I'm surprised she wasn't wiping his arse. [/quote]
I just don't understand why people put up with carrying the load, it's so disrespectful. I genuinely don't get it

@Babyiskickingmyribs

It might be helpful to to counseling with him even if you are sure you want to separate - you can hash out some of the coparenting stuff that way. It might be cheaper than mediation too.

Yes I'm going to attempt this. There's no way we could come to any reasonable agreement at the moment

[quote FMSucks]@Kindtomyself - tell him he can look after the joint account. I got the same crap until I told him I would transfer all the bills over to his name, send him the budget s/sheet and let him manage the finances. He never moaned again about it.[/quote]
I've said that numerous times but he doesn't take up the offer. It would be a right pain swapping everything over to him though

@Jk987

Could you take a step back and get a cleaner paid for out of joint money?

For grocery shopping don't bother with a list, he knows what's needed. With any luck he'll bring back easy food like breaded fish, chicken Kievs etc. Bingo, no need to cook either! One of the kids can put stuff in the oven and serve it up. You'll all survive. It would be funny if he gets annoyed if you run out of his favourite items though.

In the meantime do some things for you! Meet your friends for a drink, have a facial, go for a hike - whatever floats your boat!

After this if you're not happy in your marriage, go with your gut. You deserve to be.

I've just done an online shop arriving tomorrow. Yes I'm going to arrange for a cleaner - he huffs when I suggest it. I think my head's about to explode

@ESGdance

There will also be something in it for him taking DS to football no doubt - do the other parents stay and watch / chat etc - does he get some social payback from this?

Yes, DS is pretty good at football and so I think he likes to wallow in that. I didn't see him jump in when they asked for volunteers to train to be a coach or when I needed to order a football kit or arrange photos. He's only very recently gone on the WhatsApp group because he 'he doesn't do social media'. So of course I was like the secretary organising it all

Actually Husband forgot about football last week and DS was sat in kit patiently waiting with me thinking is husband coming home to collect him? In the end I contacted him and he had totally forgotten and was still at work. Ok these things happen, I get it but I ended up trying to find someone to give DS a lift. It's annoying.
Also he was nipping out the other day and I said 'don't forget to get x,y,z from shop'. He huffed and said text them to me. I said why? You write them down they're for the family. It's like he's not part of the family, he's additional.

Look at your emotional energy as precious and finite.

You can choose to tip a load of it away raging at him leaving yourself exhausted and depleted or you can withdraw emotionally and protect yourself and only invest it in positive people and positive activities that radiate and reflect back to you for your benefit.

Be a bit more like him - self serving.

Put whatever it is in place to help you get some rest and perspective. Don’t waste your breath or your brain being preoccupied with him - it’s futile and frustrating.

He doesn’t hear you. You are not his priority.

He treats you with distain and contempt.

You need to care for and respect you - because he doesn’t.

Thanks @ESGdance I’m going to copy and paste that into my notes on my phone and remember it

Seems he feels he is doing you all huge favour being a parent and a husband. You are all such an inconvenience to him - maybe relieve him of this obligation….

I know. I used to. Slowly, slowly i realised i was being played for a fool. I only wish id sent him packing sooner.

@Kindtomyself I feel your pain.. My Dh is like this and he most likely has undiagnosed adult adhd/add whatever.. But on top of this he cares so little about me. Lies, is verbally abusive etc, that I've finally told him it's over.. He is not making any moves to move out though, and he probably won't unless I sort his accommodation out for him 😭

Yes I'm going to arrange for a cleaner - he huffs when I suggest it.

"You're welcome to do it then."

He huffed and said text them to me.

"Write it in a text to yourself."

Only issue about cleaner I found was the tidying is half the battle, though your kids are older so you're unlikely to have one who tips out allllllll the games when he can.

@WarriorN

Yes I'm going to arrange for a cleaner - he huffs when I suggest it.

"You're welcome to do it then."

He huffed and said text them to me.

"Write it in a text to yourself."

Only issue about cleaner I found was the tidying is half the battle, though your kids are older so you're unlikely to have one who tips out allllllll the games when he can.

Oh yes mine don't tip out all the games anymore - I feel your pain. I can barely get in my Dd's room though it's full of crap stuff and apparently it's very tidy!

It’s ok to put yourself first, to prioritise your wants and needs. It’s ok to decide you just don’t want to keep trying to fix things that are perpetually broken. It’s ok to leave a marriage that doesn’t nourish and sustain you. You don’t owe anyone your time and emotional energy, you don’t need to accommodate people that won’t meet you where you are.

I’m in the process of separating from my husband. It’s hard, and I wish things were different but asking myself how much of myself I’m prepared to give away to stay married was so helpful. The answer is that I was giving too much of myself to someone who in reality hardly gave an inch. I deserve better, and so do you.

@IknowwhatIneed

It’s ok to put yourself first, to prioritise your wants and needs. It’s ok to decide you just don’t want to keep trying to fix things that are perpetually broken. It’s ok to leave a marriage that doesn’t nourish and sustain you. You don’t owe anyone your time and emotional energy, you don’t need to accommodate people that won’t meet you where you are.

I’m in the process of separating from my husband. It’s hard, and I wish things were different but asking myself how much of myself I’m prepared to give away to stay married was so helpful. The answer is that I was giving too much of myself to someone who in reality hardly gave an inch. I deserve better, and so do you.

This resonates with me - don’t turn yourself inside out for someone who treats you like shit - with the side effect that you are so depleted you don’t recognise yourself and have little left to give to your DCs.

@Kindtomyself I'm exhausted, I've accepted how he is due to wanting a peaceful life, I don't even think he realises what he does. We have a baby on the way also.... 😂🙏🏻
I would say it's great he's accepted counselling OP. That might actually help a lot.

Sound frighteningly similar to my ex. He’s the most incompetent man I’ve ever met. It got worse after the divorce - never seemed to get his shit together about anything apart from his work. He’s extremely intelligent and in a highly paid job but an utter failure as a father. I see my DS will give less of a toss about him as he gets older as his father isn’t invested in his life. He pays the bills and that’s it. Men like this do not change. It’s a huge burden to parent a man-child and my life is so much lighter without my ex.

@IknowwhatIneed

It’s ok to put yourself first, to prioritise your wants and needs. It’s ok to decide you just don’t want to keep trying to fix things that are perpetually broken. It’s ok to leave a marriage that doesn’t nourish and sustain you. You don’t owe anyone your time and emotional energy, you don’t need to accommodate people that won’t meet you where you are.

I’m in the process of separating from my husband. It’s hard, and I wish things were different but asking myself how much of myself I’m prepared to give away to stay married was so helpful. The answer is that I was giving too much of myself to someone who in reality hardly gave an inch. I deserve better, and so do you.

Thanks for this, I struggle to put myself first but working on it!
Good on you for making the tough decision to separate and I hope it all gets easier for you.

[quote ExpectingLady93]@Kindtomyself I'm exhausted, I've accepted how he is due to wanting a peaceful life, I don't even think he realises what he does. We have a baby on the way also.... 😂🙏🏻
I would say it's great he's accepted counselling OP. That might actually help a lot. [/quote]
I'm not surprised you're exhausted , make sure you take time to rest and I hope you're other half steps up when baby arrives if not before

@Milomonster

Sound frighteningly similar to my ex. He’s the most incompetent man I’ve ever met. It got worse after the divorce - never seemed to get his shit together about anything apart from his work. He’s extremely intelligent and in a highly paid job but an utter failure as a father. I see my DS will give less of a toss about him as he gets older as his father isn’t invested in his life. He pays the bills and that’s it. Men like this do not change. It’s a huge burden to parent a man-child and my life is so much lighter without my ex.

I'm pleased to read that your life is lighter now. I can't look at 'h' at the moment I'm so angry.

Husband also cannot access joint account but does get a notification if we go overdrawn and shouts in an accusatory fashion ‘WHY ARE WE OVERDRAWN?’

OMFG. Mine does this too. He always leaves all the finances to me, his only involvement is to hold me to account for it all.

@StaplesCorner Why do you tolerate this?

How did all these men get to be so bloody incompetent??? Isn't that the most unattractive thing, incompetence. Mine is exactly the same with finances. We'll go overdrawn and he'll rant and rave about it, but it's up to me to sort it out. He won't even apply for a new credit card so he can get 0% and stop paying unnecessary interest. He'll ask me to help him do it. No way, are you three years old???
To top it off, he's sat there gormless in front of the telly tonight while I try to repair the conservatory roof again. It's bucketing down, my son is helping by bringing me a hammer and nails, while his incompetent dad sits there. Fkn useless.