Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

@TarasCrazyTiara

He’s not your child, if you feel you are mothering him and losing attraction for him because of it that is your issue to deal with. Think of all the women in the past who did 100% of the household stuff, do you think they saw themselves as their husbands mothers?

Women who want to work full time and lose attraction over doing more domestic duties than men should be very very careful who they tie themselves to. And I guess men who aren’t inclined to do domestic stuff as much should look for more Mumsy stay at home types too and be sure they can provide for them.

Equality is a pipe dream and men (on the whole) will never do as much housework as us. Mark my words and choose carefully if you want to avoid that.

This is so, so true.

19bears,
"How did all these men get to be so bloody incompetent???"

Good question.

A. Because they are encourage/allowed to be so.

I believe that if men were taught, both at home and at school, to do age-appropriate household jobs we wouldn't have this problem.
The school curriculum should include domestic science/housecraft for both sexes.
Life-skills like balancing a chequebook, reading a gas meter and calculating a gas bill, should also be included.

I also believe that we as women enable this behaviour ( yes, I was as guilty as anyone) and it can be observed early on in a relationship.

@Ellen888

19bears, "How did all these men get to be so bloody incompetent???"

Good question.

A. Because they are encourage/allowed to be so.

I believe that if men were taught, both at home and at school, to do age-appropriate household jobs we wouldn't have this problem.
The school curriculum should include domestic science/housecraft for both sexes.
Life-skills like balancing a chequebook, reading a gas meter and calculating a gas bill, should also be included.

I also believe that we as women enable this behaviour ( yes, I was as guilty as anyone) and it can be observed early on in a relationship.

Yes i agree but I think that more about the skill it's the lack of respect.

I also believe that we as women enable this behaviour ( yes, I was as guilty as anyone) and it can be observed early on in a relationship.

I agree. I have two friends, had their sons quite young and have always done EVERYTHING for them, even now they're young adults. One of the sons struggled to make pasta. I pity the partners they end up with.

Same friend is the biggest excuser of shitty male behaviour despite calling herself a feminist, as she deems herself 'cool'. Females get it in the neck from her, men don't.

Leave him. You already despise him and have no respect for him and it seems probably vice versa,
He wont change, Neither will you or your feelings. Both of you deserve relationships that are more fulfilling than this and where you are with a man you want to have sec with versus treat them like a child.

@bembridge11

Leave him. You already despise him and have no respect for him and it seems probably vice versa, He wont change, Neither will you or your feelings. Both of you deserve relationships that are more fulfilling than this and where you are with a man you want to have sec with versus treat them like a child.

Yes I know it's not going to work out. He just doesn't understand where I'm coming from. He calls himself a feminist too

@ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff

I also believe that we as women enable this behaviour ( yes, I was as guilty as anyone) and it can be observed early on in a relationship.

I agree. I have two friends, had their sons quite young and have always done EVERYTHING for them, even now they're young adults. One of the sons struggled to make pasta. I pity the partners they end up with.

Same friend is the biggest excuser of shitty male behaviour despite calling herself a feminist, as she deems herself 'cool'. Females get it in the neck from her, men don't.

I have enabled the behaviour because I wanted a calm, relaxed home and didn't want to make a fuss. I also thought I was hard work and difficult because other women seem to be ok but I have now come to the conclusion that it's about me not other women. It's about what I think is reasonable. I wanted a life partner to share the journey (as wanky as that sounds). I didn't want to be miserable doing double work and having someone shout at me and not listen to what I'm saying. Asking someone to do something and them saying 'yes' then not doing it just makes me lose my head

@StaplesCorner

Husband also cannot access joint account but does get a notification if we go overdrawn and shouts in an accusatory fashion ‘WHY ARE WE OVERDRAWN?’

OMFG. Mine does this too. He always leaves all the finances to me, his only involvement is to hold me to account for it all.

Very annoying isn't it? It's like having a very shite work colleague holding you to account for THEIR incompetence

@19Bears

How did all these men get to be so bloody incompetent??? Isn't that the most unattractive thing, incompetence. Mine is exactly the same with finances. We'll go overdrawn and he'll rant and rave about it, but it's up to me to sort it out. He won't even apply for a new credit card so he can get 0% and stop paying unnecessary interest. He'll ask me to help him do it. No way, are you three years old??? To top it off, he's sat there gormless in front of the telly tonight while I try to repair the conservatory roof again. It's bucketing down, my son is helping by bringing me a hammer and nails, while his incompetent dad sits there. Fkn useless.

That is dreadful I really don't understand how you can put up with this. He sounds like a complete waste of space and selfish, disrespectful. Even my 'h' wouldn't allow that - he would have arranged for someone to come out and fix it (he would be very proud of himself too)

@Kindtomyself

^Babyiskickingmyribs
It might be helpful to to counseling with him even if you are sure you want to separate - you can hash out some of the coparenting stuff that way. It might be cheaper than mediation too.
Yes I'm going to attempt this. There's no way we could come to any reasonable agreement at the moment^

Just be careful not to reveal anything which may make you too vulnerable- including having already approached a solicitor, getting your ducks in a row. 🌹

@Kindtomyself

I deal with all the bills. I manage the joint account

Its good that you do because the last thing you want is to hand that job over to an incompetent lazy person who will fuck it up as much as the shopping. At your time in life long term financial planning is really important.

@Kindtomyself I can't think of any other man who would just sit there and let his wife do this. And again this morning I had to get up to the roof and re-seal what I had done last night as the rain was coming in again, all before I had to go out to work, and while settling my youngest back into bed as he is off school poorly. I don't know how I put up with it either. I am an idiot.

[quote Newestname002]@Kindtomyself

^Babyiskickingmyribs
It might be helpful to to counseling with him even if you are sure you want to separate - you can hash out some of the coparenting stuff that way. It might be cheaper than mediation too.
Yes I'm going to attempt this. There's no way we could come to any reasonable agreement at the moment^

Just be careful not to reveal anything which may make you too vulnerable- including having already approached a solicitor, getting your ducks in a row. 🌹[/quote]
Thanks for taking the time to message. Why would it leave me vulnerable to admit those things? I’m sure your response is obvious but I’m puzzled.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff yes I know however I have been questioning myself over the years whether I’m just a control freak!

[quote 19Bears]@Kindtomyself I can't think of any other man who would just sit there and let his wife do this. And again this morning I had to get up to the roof and re-seal what I had done last night as the rain was coming in again, all before I had to go out to work, and while settling my youngest back into bed as he is off school poorly. I don't know how I put up with it either. I am an idiot.[/quote]
Did you say anything to your ‘d’h about it?

Can I just say thanks to everyone who has taken time to message on this thread, I have found it really helpful.

I’ve allowed myself to face up to stuff that I have been trying to push down for a longtime because I didn’t want to admit the truth. I now need to slowly unpick it all and be gentle and kind to myself. My emotions are huge and I’m sliding around between anger, resentment, sadness, fear etc

No @Kindtomyself I didn't say a word. Just slammed the door on the way out to work, but I realise this is not the best plan of action..... In my mind I am saying to him clearly and calmly, "we are separating after Christmas," as if he can hear me. I think I have driven myself crazy and am just on autopilot now.

@Kindtomyself

Can I just say thanks to everyone who has taken time to message on this thread, I have found it really helpful.

I’ve allowed myself to face up to stuff that I have been trying to push down for a longtime because I didn’t want to admit the truth. I now need to slowly unpick it all and be gentle and kind to myself. My emotions are huge and I’m sliding around between anger, resentment, sadness, fear etc

It’s important that you are aware that you are emotionally charged at both ends of the spectrum.

These frustrations can send you crazy ricocheting around like this and you can’t make decisions or see anything through in this mindset.

Do whatever it is that works for you to process all of those emotions and try not to expose yourself to any triggers that will escalate your already heightened and depleted state. You have been in this dynamic for more than a decade - it will take time to settle and then gain perspective and enlist support which you need to see anything through which ever way you go.

@Kindtomyself

Why would it leave me vulnerable to admit those things? I’m sure your response is obvious but I’m puzzled.

Because he could well use/weaponise some of what he learns at your combined session to manipulate you, which might make life more difficult for you if you are not quite ready to make a move out of the relationship. 🌹

@Ellen888

19bears, "How did all these men get to be so bloody incompetent???"

Good question.

A. Because they are encourage/allowed to be so.

I believe that if men were taught, both at home and at school, to do age-appropriate household jobs we wouldn't have this problem.
The school curriculum should include domestic science/housecraft for both sexes.
Life-skills like balancing a chequebook, reading a gas meter and calculating a gas bill, should also be included.

I also believe that we as women enable this behaviour ( yes, I was as guilty as anyone) and it can be observed early on in a relationship.

Careers advice / lessons in schools needs to include aspects of "what happens if I want to have a family" for both sexes, in terms of who / how you might go part time, how will childcare be paid for, how will you manage day to day family life and finances.( I'm thinking the men really though I think it would help women to assess how much understanding a male partner has. This tends to be more straightforward for gay partners as they've both been brought up in sexist societies to see their side.)

We are all taught we can have a full career but it's not highlighted that you (men) may need to sacrifice/ adapt/ juggle more if you want children.

I honestly think many men see the wife as the prop for their career. Certainly female academics published less and male academics more during the pandemic..,

A little update…
Husband comes into the room where I’m working. This is what happened:-
Him: Everything ok?
Me: Yes

Him: Shall we try and get on?
Me: I think we’re a bit passed that.

Him: Are we why?
Me: I’ve told you again and again about the support and help I need and I feel like it falls on deaf ears.
Him: It doesn’t fall on deaf ears.
Me: Well it seems to. I feel like I say the same thing all the time and tell you how I need support but you don’t do anything.

Him: Do you want to hear a funny story?
Me: No, I don’t.

Him: Is DS going to football tonight?

Me:Yes I think so if you’re taking him.
Him: Of course I’ll take him, I always do.

Him: So if I didn’t take him, would you?

The lack of awareness is startling. I can hear him on work calls, strategising, organising, managing relationships really effectively but he’s not able or willing to work in partnership with me.

How you didn't pour your hot tea over him, I don't know.

This is such classic bollocks, "it doesn't fall on deaf ears". Really? So, why the fuck does nothing change!?

Me: I’ve told you again and again about the support and help I need and I feel like it falls on deaf ears.
Him: It doesn’t fall on deaf ears.

I mean he's essentially admitting here that he hears what you say, understands it and chooses not to act on it.

He's horrible OP.

"Shall we get on" made my blood boil as I had an ex who would make it impossible for things to be nice and calm by causing rows, then do an insipid "please let's forget about it now" once he had shouted at me and I needed space. Grrrrrrr.

Fuck him off OP, he's an idiot.

He understands how annoyed you are, but he believes that it's easy to pacify you because he thinks you won't ever leave him. Unpleasant.