Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

Get rid love, he's never going to be any better. You should have said what you were thinking earlier though.

Ok.... this man seems quite forgetful and not focused on the task, and not great with time.

Rather than selfish and lazy, he may be ADHD or "outside the norm."

The complainant is taking his behaviour personally, but it really might be about the way his brain works. I have noticed my behaviour can be a bit like this and I can be perceived to be lazy, superior or whatever... in fact, I work hard and try hard; it's actually unfortunate for me to be this way. I would love to be more perfect - and when I get upset or dwell on arguments, I get worse.

Useful strategies might include understanding and reading up on what else could be going on with him,
shopping online instead and getting it delivered seeing as you both work f/t and car sharing is hard,
getting him more involved in other chores such as cooking dinner, doing the washing and drying, vaccuuming, childcare???

Is there a moderator? I don't think this is a constructive comment.

@sheenapunk and what strategy should she use to make sure he wears pants and washes his clothes?

@sheenapunk

Ok.... this man seems quite forgetful and not focused on the task, and not great with time.

Rather than selfish and lazy, he may be ADHD or "outside the norm."

The complainant is taking his behaviour personally, but it really might be about the way his brain works. I have noticed my behaviour can be a bit like this and I can be perceived to be lazy, superior or whatever... in fact, I work hard and try hard; it's actually unfortunate for me to be this way. I would love to be more perfect - and when I get upset or dwell on arguments, I get worse.

Useful strategies might include understanding and reading up on what else could be going on with him,
shopping online instead and getting it delivered seeing as you both work f/t and car sharing is hard,
getting him more involved in other chores such as cooking dinner, doing the washing and drying, vaccuuming, childcare???

How do you account for this then?

I can hear him on work calls, strategising, organising, managing relationships really effectively but he’s not able or willing to work in partnership with me.

His brain seems to work quite differently when he's engaged in work tasks.

@sheenapunk

Ok.... this man seems quite forgetful and not focused on the task, and not great with time.

Rather than selfish and lazy, he may be ADHD or "outside the norm."

The complainant is taking his behaviour personally, but it really might be about the way his brain works. I have noticed my behaviour can be a bit like this and I can be perceived to be lazy, superior or whatever... in fact, I work hard and try hard; it's actually unfortunate for me to be this way. I would love to be more perfect - and when I get upset or dwell on arguments, I get worse.

Useful strategies might include understanding and reading up on what else could be going on with him,
shopping online instead and getting it delivered seeing as you both work f/t and car sharing is hard,
getting him more involved in other chores such as cooking dinner, doing the washing and drying, vaccuuming, childcare???

And yet...

I can hear him on work calls, strategising, organising, managing relationships really effectively but he’s not able or willing to work in partnership with me.

Also I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. It has at no point made me dismissive of other people's feelings, numb to loved ones' requests or a selfish person. I'm an adult, it's up to me to create coping strategies that don't require other people to pick up my slack.

Regardless, as is clear from OP's posts when you read them - her husband is perfectly capable of high level organisation and planning in other areas of his life. Just not the bits that involve cooking, cleaning and childcare. Why do you think that might be?

@19Bears HOW can you bear to waste your precious life with such a person. How can you ?

@sheenapunk

Ok.... this man seems quite forgetful and not focused on the task, and not great with time.

Rather than selfish and lazy, he may be ADHD or "outside the norm."

The complainant is taking his behaviour personally, but it really might be about the way his brain works. I have noticed my behaviour can be a bit like this and I can be perceived to be lazy, superior or whatever... in fact, I work hard and try hard; it's actually unfortunate for me to be this way. I would love to be more perfect - and when I get upset or dwell on arguments, I get worse.

Useful strategies might include understanding and reading up on what else could be going on with him,
shopping online instead and getting it delivered seeing as you both work f/t and car sharing is hard,
getting him more involved in other chores such as cooking dinner, doing the washing and drying, vaccuuming, childcare???

Thanks @sheenapunk I haven't been getting online shopping because husband wanted to physically do a supermarket shop so I've let him do that. It became stressful though because there have been a few weeks when he didn't go and we 'made do', I nipped to local shops more but this resulted in him complaining about me using the joint account to pay as he seemed to interpret this as me spending on a whim rather than a need - kind of as if he didn't connect not going to the supermarket with the need to still get food from somewhere. After posters suggestions I realised that online was the way forward and we received our delivery yesterday which I ordered without discussion with him. He has so far complained about the supermarket I chose as it's not the one he would use and also seems quite pleased that I have forgotten some things which is understandable because I ordered off the top of my head the other day in desperation. I asked him to get toilet roll on his return from football and he said 'did you forget to order toilet roll?'

I've just read this thread and my ex was the same bloody awful big baby man child you used to gaslight me and be passive aggressive to the point where I just quietly seethed, planned, withdrew and then asked him to leave as soon as I had everything sorted out! He was so shocked!!! 🤣 he took my withdrawal and silence as complying with his awesomeness I did actually laugh.

God never seen somebody so angry and upset, I danced round the house after he left it was fantastic

did you forget to order toilet roll?

No 'I' didn't forget the toilet roll, 'WE' forgot the toilet roll. You are as much responsible for seeing we are short on toilet roll and buying it as I am!

I think I'm starting to not be able to bear it @Flixon I feel weird tonight as if I'm going to collapse. It's only my kids keeping me going.

And then what did you say? There seems to be quite a lot of him being a twunt and saying stupid things and you not reacting (apart from in your head)/walking away/being gnomic. Why? Why can’t you say, categorically: ‘you’ve done X, it’s led me to do Y, I’m unhappy about Z?’ I genuinely don’t get this. Are you frightened of him?

@Kindtomyself

He has so far complained about the supermarket I chose as it's not the one he would use and also seems quite pleased that I have forgotten some things which is understandable because I ordered off the top of my head the other day in desperation. I asked him to get toilet roll on his return from football and he said 'did you forget to order toilet roll?'

God - what an idiot he is! Good thing is that you can add those forgotten items into your next online shopping plus "shop from last trolley" to import all the items from your last shop into your new one, or mark the up as "favourites" and just add all favourites to your trolley. Makes life much easier. 🌹

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

did you forget to order toilet roll?

No 'I' didn't forget the toilet roll, 'WE' forgot the toilet roll. You are as much responsible for seeing we are short on toilet roll and buying it as I am!

I know. I've given up saying these things, it's ground me down. I'm now conserving my emotions and energy and noting all these situations in my journal for my own sanity!

@19Bears

I think I'm starting to not be able to bear it *@Flixon* I feel weird tonight as if I'm going to collapse. It's only my kids keeping me going.

I didn't read your previous threads but you deserve so much more than this. Would you be comfortable with your DD (if you have one) or DS being in a relationship like this? I assume not so don't put up with it

@Saysama

And then what did you say? There seems to be quite a lot of him being a twunt and saying stupid things and you not reacting (apart from in your head)/walking away/being gnomic. Why? Why can’t you say, categorically: ‘you’ve done X, it’s led me to do Y, I’m unhappy about Z?’ I genuinely don’t get this. Are you frightened of him?

Because I've given up. I've responded for years and it results in him shouting, huffing, rolling eyes. I don't want any more shouting or disrespect. I am comfortable that I have tried as hard as I can to change it but ultimately if he chooses to ignore me then I am no longer going to try. It is the end, I am exhausted. Yes I am a bit frightened of him only in that I can't stand shouting. It is so unnecessary- it's a lack of communication skills imo. Don't get me wrong I know that we are all human and all blow our tops sometimes but surely you recognise this and apologise AND it doesn't happen every time you're unhappy about something. I definitely walk on eggshells. Also if voices are raised DD asks why we're arguing. Apparently it takes two to argue so if I take myself out of the equation then there's no argument

I was faced with this same situation with my DH. In the end I draw up a massive spreadsheet highlighted all the physical chores, all the childcare chores and mental chores (like organising Xmas) etc and said we needed to split them 50/50. He thought it already was, until he sat down and went through it with me. Now it’s 50/50 and we’re in a better place.

I told my DH that if he wasn’t prepared to work with me doing everything 50/50 I would divorce him. I meant it.

The spreadsheet moment changed everything, and I made sure to do it at a quiet time when emotions weren’t high and I hadn’t just had to nag him.

@Kindtomyself

A little update… Husband comes into the room where I’m working. This is what happened:- Him: Everything ok? Me: Yes

Him: Shall we try and get on?
Me: I think we’re a bit passed that.

Him: Are we why?
Me: I’ve told you again and again about the support and help I need and I feel like it falls on deaf ears.
Him: It doesn’t fall on deaf ears.
Me: Well it seems to. I feel like I say the same thing all the time and tell you how I need support but you don’t do anything.

Him: Do you want to hear a funny story?
Me: No, I don’t.

Him: Is DS going to football tonight?

Me:Yes I think so if you’re taking him.
Him: Of course I’ll take him, I always do.

Him: So if I didn’t take him, would you?

The lack of awareness is startling. I can hear him on work calls, strategising, organising, managing relationships really effectively but he’s not able or willing to work in partnership with me.

He’s not willing to work in partnership with you.

This conversation is deliberately provocative - it’s subtly gaslighting and goading - he wants to evoke your anger and rattle your cage.

You are doing the right thing to not engage. Don’t even let him sense you are raging - your anger is only hurting you and is totally futile. Your mind and body is thumping and pumping with adrenaline and cortisol - this will make you physically ill in time if it hasn’t already.

Close down conversations swiftly calmly with some basic neutral phrases that you have and are on repeat and then physically take yourself out of his presence - if he starts following you or continuing to goad verbally call him on it (not the content) as a calm statement which doesn’t allow it to become a row (because you won’t be retuning on the rally) - “Please don’t follow me. I feel like you want to provoke and frustrate me so I won’t be responding to you and would appreciate if you could give me my personal space” If he doesn’t be ready to take yourself off in the car calmly. Learn some grounding techniques (visualisations, breathing etc) so that you know his triggers and you can intercept your own anger before it rises.

You are right - you need to preserve your sanity here as men like this are DELIBERATELY “crazy making” - take away his power by detaching, drop the rope etc.

Notice the shift in gears for you. Detaching and silence are your superpowers

Thank you @ESGdance that totally makes sense.

I just want to add (because the last few posts have made me really think about myself- not a bad thing, it's useful) that I am aware that I have not had the best upbringing or role models in my life (neither has 'd' h for that matter). I do think I am possibly codependent or have attachment issues but I am trying to explore this by reading lots to educate myself, talking to trusted friends and also seeing a therapist. I am also trying to develop my sense of self and show myself kindness and self compassion.

I am listening to myself for the first time in...possibly ever... and trusting how I feel. I have tried to make it work, I am by far not perfect but I'm trying.
I did speak to 'd'h in a proper cards on the table way about 6 months ago and he promised he would go to therapy however since then he has made various excuses why he hasn't been. I even gave him some contact details.

Also fairly early on in our marriage I spoke to him about his anger and on the back of that he (apparently) saw someone who 'apparently' confirmed he didn't have any anger issues.

So he has confirmed that he's really not going to bother.

I'm sorry OP, whatever the outcome will be, it will be in your hands.

I hope it's going to be a happy one.

I’d just start making plans to separate op. No point working on him anymore really.

I’m sorry you are going through this @Kindtomyself.
I’ve had a similar situation with my DH in that he would offer to do things like the food shop but it resulted in more work for me (creating a list etc). He would promise to do things, but not deliver. I say he’s like a politician. Again, he seemed very capable at work but then we only see small glimpses of that. I’ve done similar to you over the years where I stopped doing the washing & ironing for the family, I leave him to do his. I found with cleaning, he could sometimes be really good at small rooms with specific tasks like the bathroom & kitchen but rubbish at dusting. We now have a cleaner!
Anyway, in the process of having out child diagnosed with autism, I realised he had it too. It’s a specific type called demand avoidance and both of them struggle with the demands of everyday life like tasks, personal hygiene etc. The way I’ve coped is by setting some boundaries by saying what is and isn’t acceptable. I’ve worked round things like having online food shops & a cleaner. I’ve played to his strengths, he’s good a finding things online: Christmas presents, holidays etc. I’ve also spent a lot of time weighing up what’s in it for me & how do I make this work. I spend time with friends & family, I like time out on my own. If things bug me (like a messy bathroom) I have separated it off by him using one and me using the other.
I’m not saying this is what you should do, but it has brought me some calm. There are good bits in our relationship that makes me want to stay together. I think only you knows how far down the line you are with this. We had a strange thing happen in lockdown where I was much busier than him when WFH and he was so different. He would make meals and it gave me time away from dashing into work each day, to really consider how I could make our relationship work. It’s not perfect, but I don’t think many relationships are. Understanding the autism really helped me too.
I would say to take time to work out what’s best for you OP. Are there more positives in the relationship than negatives? Have a frank discussion about not being able to continue like this and see what his reaction is. Good luck OP.

@Whatliesbeneath707

I’m sorry you are going through this *@Kindtomyself*. I’ve had a similar situation with my DH in that he would offer to do things like the food shop but it resulted in more work for me (creating a list etc). He would promise to do things, but not deliver. I say he’s like a politician. Again, he seemed very capable at work but then we only see small glimpses of that. I’ve done similar to you over the years where I stopped doing the washing & ironing for the family, I leave him to do his. I found with cleaning, he could sometimes be really good at small rooms with specific tasks like the bathroom & kitchen but rubbish at dusting. We now have a cleaner! Anyway, in the process of having out child diagnosed with autism, I realised he had it too. It’s a specific type called demand avoidance and both of them struggle with the demands of everyday life like tasks, personal hygiene etc. The way I’ve coped is by setting some boundaries by saying what is and isn’t acceptable. I’ve worked round things like having online food shops & a cleaner. I’ve played to his strengths, he’s good a finding things online: Christmas presents, holidays etc. I’ve also spent a lot of time weighing up what’s in it for me & how do I make this work. I spend time with friends & family, I like time out on my own. If things bug me (like a messy bathroom) I have separated it off by him using one and me using the other. I’m not saying this is what you should do, but it has brought me some calm. There are good bits in our relationship that makes me want to stay together. I think only you knows how far down the line you are with this. We had a strange thing happen in lockdown where I was much busier than him when WFH and he was so different. He would make meals and it gave me time away from dashing into work each day, to really consider how I could make our relationship work. It’s not perfect, but I don’t think many relationships are. Understanding the autism really helped me too. I would say to take time to work out what’s best for you OP. Are there more positives in the relationship than negatives? Have a frank discussion about not being able to continue like this and see what his reaction is. Good luck OP.

Thanks for your message, I'm glad that you have found some peace in your relationship. It's always really useful to read other peoples experiences. Did/does your DH have anger issues too? When you say you were a lot busier in lockdown than he was are you saying that he stepped up a gear? I'm finding that even though I'm mega busy (actually in theory far busier than him) he doesn't step up at all and in fact just sits at his laptop working until really late. I wonder whether it actually takes him a lot longer to achieve something compared to someone else. A lot of things I have just taken at face value and tried to accept that he is doing his best but I'm really confused because if I challenge or raise anything he shouts or huffs or rolls his eyes.

Oh and @Whatliesbeneath707. I have considered getting another bathroom just for me. We currently only have one but we can't really afford it.

@Nanny0gg

So he has confirmed that he's really not going to bother.

I'm sorry OP, whatever the outcome will be, it will be in your hands.

I hope it's going to be a happy one.

Thanks