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Original poster

I'm 44 and I have met a guy who is 30 - my daughters are not too happy.

286 replies

Cupcake00 · 28/11/2021 22:05

I met him in work. So knew him for about 18 months previous. He has always been so lovely and we always had a laugh when at work. We went on a few dates and since both changed jobs. I was very very apprehensive at first and very aware of the age gap. The more I have got to know him (its been about 10 months), the more I forget about the gap in age. I have dated in the past and I have never met anyone so kind and so caring. I told my daughters 24 and 16 about him a few weeks back and they have now met him. They're not happy at all. To the point my eldest has distanced herself quite a bit. My 16 year old says it's 'cringy'. I now feel more anxious than I did to begin with, when the age concerned me. Is it all worth it. Some friendly advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 09:09

@gannett

Of course - OP can do whatever she wants and see young men. And they can do what they want in response if they decide they don’t want that in their life. Looks like oldest daughter already is.

KUdos6 · 29/11/2021 09:12

Do what’s right for you. It may not last anyway.

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 09:12

@Comedycook

Yes it is judgemental that’s the point - it’s the judgement her daughters are making which is an entirely predictable one and the way most people kids would feel.

By saying her eldest daughter wanted no part of it I mean in a social sense. She doesn’t want to see Mother and young dude together so she doesn’t, it’s her choice just like it’s her Mothers choice to date this guy. Family’s aren’t obligated to spend time with their divorced parents if their new partners (for whatever reason) make that unpleasant and uncomfortable for them.

AthenaPopodopolous · 29/11/2021 09:16

I think he’s probably too young for you and the relationship won’t last. He will likely leave for a younger woman in time as he may want to start a family. You might not be acceptable to his family. And what if he takes a shine to your daughters? Nah, I wouldn’t. It’s a bit icky like your daughters have said.

Magic1525 · 29/11/2021 09:19

My mum is a lot older than her husband, he is closer to my age, and they’ve been happily together for 20 years, married for 8 🙂
I was apprehensive when they met but he does make her very happy and I can’t imagine them apart now

furbabymama87 · 29/11/2021 09:27

They don't have to like it. If you like each other and he's worth a fallout that's all that matters. They'll come round eventually. I don't think at those ages it's a huge difference. If the man was the older one no one would bat an eyelid.

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 09:46

@furbabymama87

Will they though? Does come round mean not completely estranged but barely seeing each other? Because that could very well be the outcome.

Comedycook · 29/11/2021 09:48

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@furbabymama87

Will they though? Does come round mean not completely estranged but barely seeing each other? Because that could very well be the outcome.[/quote]
But they really can't hold their mother hostage like that and effectively give her an ultimatum. She really has done nothing wrong. If she wants a relationship with another consenting adult, she is entitled to

PinkMochi · 29/11/2021 09:49

I agree with your DDs. There’s a small age gap between your Dd and bf. If I saw them together, I would think they were a couple and you were the MIL. It is a bit cringey.

PinkMochi · 29/11/2021 09:54

@mewkins But once you reach adulthood it is pretty difficult to tell how old anyone is anyway. Who cares if 'people are talking'?? So what?

If you think a 25yo and 45yo look the same then you need to visit the opticians. Physical appearance, life experience and mannerisms are so different.

mewkins · 29/11/2021 09:58

[quote PinkMochi]**@mewkins* But once you reach adulthood it is pretty difficult to tell how old anyone is anyway. Who cares if 'people are talking'?? So what?*

If you think a 25yo and 45yo look the same then you need to visit the opticians. Physical appearance, life experience and mannerisms are so different.[/quote]
Probably! It might just be my age Grin

I got ID'd the other day though and I'm 42. So it's not just me with dodgy eyes and finds it difficult to age people.

littleburn · 29/11/2021 09:58

Wow! Some of these replies. I'm 16 years older than my partner and yes I'm sure people do talk about us behind our backs, do a double take etc. But you know what? We don't all live our lives in fear of gossips. You get one life and as long as you're happy and not hurting anyone (and by that I don't mean judgey ADULT children) then get on with it.

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 10:00

@Comedycook

They’re not holding her hostage though. If your divorced parent had a partner who you didn’t like it would affect your relationship. If that partner was with the parent in the time you would spend with them then naturally you’d be less inclined to spend time with them. This often happens to a small or large degree.

I can’t help but feel I’d feel exactly like the daughters, if my Mother was bringing home a man the right age for me to be married to it would just be kind of gross and really uncomfortable to be in public because everyone would see us as the couple. Then there’s the younger daughter, he probably seems like an older brother age. And what about once she’s 18 and he’s 32? Again that’s a more natural looking relationship than the mothers.

And say he does get to know the family, there’s every chance he could be more attracted to the daughters since that would be more natural for him. I mean imagine if him and the younger daughter were flirty? Just too weird and fraught all round.

littleburn · 29/11/2021 10:03

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Comedycook

They’re not holding her hostage though. If your divorced parent had a partner who you didn’t like it would affect your relationship. If that partner was with the parent in the time you would spend with them then naturally you’d be less inclined to spend time with them. This often happens to a small or large degree.

I can’t help but feel I’d feel exactly like the daughters, if my Mother was bringing home a man the right age for me to be married to it would just be kind of gross and really uncomfortable to be in public because everyone would see us as the couple. Then there’s the younger daughter, he probably seems like an older brother age. And what about once she’s 18 and he’s 32? Again that’s a more natural looking relationship than the mothers.

And say he does get to know the family, there’s every chance he could be more attracted to the daughters since that would be more natural for him. I mean imagine if him and the younger daughter were flirty? Just too weird and fraught all round.[/quote]
Er, no I wouldn't say a 32 year old dating an 18 year old is a 'more natural' relationship than a person in their 30s and a person in their 40s with a considerable chunk of adult life behind them both.

Comedycook · 29/11/2021 10:04

And what about once she’s 18 and he’s 32? Again that’s a more natural looking relationship than the mothers

That would be a 14 year age gap then...the same as the gap between the mum and the guy. So it's fine for there to be an age gap of 14 years if the woman is younger but a fourteen year age gap isn't acceptable if the woman is older? This is just pure sexism.

Santaischeckinglists · 29/11/2021 10:07

My exh was 15 years older than me. He was too old in his ways even at 46 though. At 46 I wasn't like him.
At 50 life is great now!! Dh is 40 and we still have fun and a great family life.

Chikapu · 29/11/2021 10:11

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Comedycook

They’re not holding her hostage though. If your divorced parent had a partner who you didn’t like it would affect your relationship. If that partner was with the parent in the time you would spend with them then naturally you’d be less inclined to spend time with them. This often happens to a small or large degree.

I can’t help but feel I’d feel exactly like the daughters, if my Mother was bringing home a man the right age for me to be married to it would just be kind of gross and really uncomfortable to be in public because everyone would see us as the couple. Then there’s the younger daughter, he probably seems like an older brother age. And what about once she’s 18 and he’s 32? Again that’s a more natural looking relationship than the mothers.

And say he does get to know the family, there’s every chance he could be more attracted to the daughters since that would be more natural for him. I mean imagine if him and the younger daughter were flirty? Just too weird and fraught all round.[/quote]
The right age for you to be married to, what does that even mean? You have some odd opinions.

CSJobseeker · 29/11/2021 10:13

I bet they said it behind his back.

Trust me, when you date/marry someone young enough to be your child, people WILL talk behind your back. Yes, they really will.......

Yes, they definitely will.

Whether people say it to their face or not, lots of people will judge someone when they get together with someone who's young enough to be their daughter/son. I'm not saying it's right, but it's a fact.

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 10:14

@Comedycook

I just mean that it is more common because a lot of 32 year old guys will want someone they can potentially have children with. That’s what I mean by more natural looking as you see it all the time.

Evesgarden · 29/11/2021 10:14

OP, no one would bat an eye if you were a male with a 30 year old woman.

Its a massive piss take about him being your carer, fuck sake 15 years is nothing! Men die earlier then women anyway!

If he makes you happy - go for it

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 10:16

@littleburn

The thing is, like it or not sex matters and they’re not just “two people” they’re a man and a woman. So most men who want or could potentially want children will naturally be attracted to a woman who can have them, so it’s more natural for them to get together. It’s still older but 30’s and early 20’s is pretty normal.

Comedycook · 29/11/2021 10:17

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Comedycook

I just mean that it is more common because a lot of 32 year old guys will want someone they can potentially have children with. That’s what I mean by more natural looking as you see it all the time.[/quote]
Whether they want children or not is a separate issue. It's not ok to say that an age gap is only acceptable if the woman is younger. If they're both consenting adults then it's fine.

Evesgarden · 29/11/2021 10:18

Ive just read some of these replies. OP I think some people are just jealous you have bagged some one younger than you. Maybe they look in the mirror and see an old tired lady looking back...

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 10:19

@Chikapu

I mean a similar age to the daughter or just more generally a marriageable age to any woman looking to start a family.

foodiscomplicated · 29/11/2021 10:19

Ppl are right that we don't bat an eye if the man is much older.
So on that nana is crack on
But remember men often stray as soon as their partner hit the menopause. Not me. But the marriages around me that have foundered feature that dynamic. And guess what? The blokes trade down in years.
The relationship with your daughters is precious. So as I said earlier proceed but caution and eyes wide open.

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