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Original poster

I'm 44 and I have met a guy who is 30 - my daughters are not too happy.

286 replies

Cupcake00 · 28/11/2021 22:05

I met him in work. So knew him for about 18 months previous. He has always been so lovely and we always had a laugh when at work. We went on a few dates and since both changed jobs. I was very very apprehensive at first and very aware of the age gap. The more I have got to know him (its been about 10 months), the more I forget about the gap in age. I have dated in the past and I have never met anyone so kind and so caring. I told my daughters 24 and 16 about him a few weeks back and they have now met him. They're not happy at all. To the point my eldest has distanced herself quite a bit. My 16 year old says it's 'cringy'. I now feel more anxious than I did to begin with, when the age concerned me. Is it all worth it. Some friendly advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 10:21

@Comedycook

I didn’t say it wasn’t acceptable, that’s not the point. The point is it isn’t going to be acceptable to most people children that their mother dares someone they could be dating.

And I didn’t say it was only acceptable if the woman was younger, I said it was more natural looking. It is what it is, biology sucks.

drpet49 · 29/11/2021 10:22

** I told my daughters 24 and 16 about him a few weeks back and they have now met him. They're not happy at all. To the point my eldest has distanced herself quite a bit. My 16 year old says it's 'cringy’

**Im with your daughters on this. Smacks of middle life crisis.

MatildaIThink · 29/11/2021 10:25

I think that he is closer in age to your daughters than to you is a bit uncomfortable, I would feel the same if the man was older as well.

DirectionToPerfection · 29/11/2021 10:29

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Comedycook

I just mean that it is more common because a lot of 32 year old guys will want someone they can potentially have children with. That’s what I mean by more natural looking as you see it all the time.[/quote]
And they'd seek out an 18yo as the best option for having children? Someone who will probably want to go to uni, or start her career, or travel, or just have fun.

A 32 year old man with an 18 year old woman is far creepier than a 30 yo man with a 44 yo woman IMO. At least in the latter case they are both well established as adults and have some life experience behind them.

dustofneptune · 29/11/2021 10:34

Live your life OP. I don't see a problem. You're both well into adulthood.

Have you spoken to your daughters and asked why/if they're uncomfortable? And expressed that (if they are), it hurts you? Sometimes it's hard for even adult kids to see their parent as an actual human being, and not just "my mom".

You said your older daughter has made comments on other areas of your life? What areas, and what has she said?

When I was younger, my dad always dated way younger women. He also always had various women on the go, one after the other. My sister and I grew sick of it, but only because we felt his overall behaviour reflected how kind of... selfish? Immature? He generally could be.

I don't know if they see you as being immature and giddy or something? Or something else?

Either way, I don't see a problem with the age. I'd happily date someone ~10yrs either side of my age (I'm 37).

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 10:36

@DirectionToPerfection

It’s a little young I agree but it happens. Not all women are on the career path or feel the need to spend a decade backpacking. My daughter got married at 21 to a 34 yo man and he’s lovely and they seem very happy.

Smoothsoul · 29/11/2021 10:41

I’m with a younger man and have been with him for 7 years. There’s a 17 year gap, my dc are ok with it but they were young when I got with him (11/9)
I was deeply unhappy with their dad and you know what? the people that commented or had things to say, did they sleep better at night when I wasnt happy with my ex? No because I was the same age as my ex so that made it ok.

I will keep going in my relationship whilst we are both happy and enjoy each other’s company. I’ll worry about being old when I’m old. Grin.

DirectionToPerfection · 29/11/2021 10:46

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@DirectionToPerfection

It’s a little young I agree but it happens. Not all women are on the career path or feel the need to spend a decade backpacking. My daughter got married at 21 to a 34 yo man and he’s lovely and they seem very happy.[/quote]
But that's not 'more natural' or more 'normal looking' than the OP's situation, which is what you were suggesting.

It's very sexist to suggest that a 14 year age gap is a problem when the woman is older, but totally fine when the man is older (especially when the woman is barely out of her childhood in the latter example, while the former example involves two grown adults).

backtoschool1234 · 29/11/2021 10:51

I was in your DDs exact situation and frankly they are being ridiculous. I was just happy that my DM had met someone who treated her well and made her happy. Your youngest DD will in 2 years be an adult and I'm sure neither of them will be paying too much attention to your opinion on their choice of partner as grown up women with minds of their own.

My DM has now been with my stepdad for decades. You are entitled to your life, how you want to live it. If there are issues with the youngest DD then obviously make allowances re living together, etc for now but don't give up on it. I'm sure your eldest DD wouldn't consider her sex life your business so I can't imagine why she thinks she is entitled to comment.

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 11:02

@DirectionToPerfection

Both examples involve grown adults. To consider a 21 yo “barely out of childhood@ is weird. Nature disagrees that it’s not more natural as it is for family, and it’s more normal looking because of that. I can’t imagine having a relationship with a man 14 years younger than me, I mean it would be so weird like dating one of my sons friends. I’d feel a fool.

I’m not saying OP can’t have a relationship with a young guy and enjoy that, I’m just saying her daughters probably won’t accept it. Honestly she would have been better off keeping it just for fun. It probably makes her seem giddy and silly in her daughters eyes and they’d just rather not you know? 🤷🏼‍♀️
I think the younger one put it best “cringey”.

XiCi · 29/11/2021 11:03

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@DirectionToPerfection

It’s a little young I agree but it happens. Not all women are on the career path or feel the need to spend a decade backpacking. My daughter got married at 21 to a 34 yo man and he’s lovely and they seem very happy.[/quote]
Ah ok. All of your comments make sense now in that context. Maybe have a read about projection.

Chikapu · 29/11/2021 11:05

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@DirectionToPerfection

It’s a little young I agree but it happens. Not all women are on the career path or feel the need to spend a decade backpacking. My daughter got married at 21 to a 34 yo man and he’s lovely and they seem very happy.[/quote]
How is that OK then but the other way round would be unnatural?
I've been with my husband for 16 years, he's 16 years younger than me, we're both very lovely and extremely happy.

XiCi · 29/11/2021 11:07

So TarasCrazyTiara how old was your dd when she started dating her DH with the 13 year age gap? Must have been very young to be married at 21. So 18 and 31? That's far far more 'cringey' that the OPs situation. I think you have an absolute fucking cheek criticising the OP when this has happened in your family.

Comedycook · 29/11/2021 11:08

I can’t imagine having a relationship with a man 14 years younger than me, I mean it would be so weird like dating one of my sons friends. I’d feel a fool

But your dd is married to a man who is 13 years older than her....does he feel like a fool?

SleepingStandingUp · 29/11/2021 11:14

I can’t imagine having a relationship with a man 14 years younger than me, I mean it would be so weird like dating one of my sons friends. I’d feel a fool. perhaps the issue is when you have kids. I wonder if op were 44, this guy 30and the kids were 4 and 6 is people would judge as much? I had my eldest at 33 so dating someone 14 years younger really would never feel like dating my friends.

And say he does get to know the family, there’s every chance he could be more attracted to the daughters since that would be more natural for him but every partner MAY be more attracted to another member of the family. Sister, daughter, mother. DH is older than me, he's closer to DSis age. What if he's more attracted to her because it's "more natural". Younger sis is more likely to bear more offspring, what if he's more attracted to her because she might give him kids??

Ultimately if you're in a relationship thinking what if he fancies someone I love, it's the wrong relationship. He's a grown man, he has kids, he doesn't want more, he's clearly decided he doesn't want to date someone in their 20s who can bear him heirs. He wants to date op. Unless the kids have any ACTUAL CONCERNS about ops welfare, they need to get over it.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/11/2021 11:16

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@DirectionToPerfection

It’s a little young I agree but it happens. Not all women are on the career path or feel the need to spend a decade backpacking. My daughter got married at 21 to a 34 yo man and he’s lovely and they seem very happy.[/quote]
So does he feel like he's dating someone young enough to be his daughter? When she brought him round at 18? 17? 16? did you not think gosh he's old enough to be her Dad's mate?

XiCi · 29/11/2021 11:17

I can’t imagine having a relationship with a man 14 years younger than me, I mean it would be so weird like dating one of my sons friends. I’d feel a fool
So did you have your son at age 14 then? At 44 my children were 3 and 5. Dating a 30 year old man would be a complete non issue and obviously they would be nowhere near my children's age. In the OPS case her bf is a 30 year old man. Hardly the same as dating your kids mates. He's an adult and almost twice the age of her teenage daughter.

DirectionToPerfection · 29/11/2021 11:19

Both examples involve grown adults. To consider a 21 yo “barely out of childhood@ is weird.

I was obviously talking about the 18 year old here, but I would have concerns about a 21 year old with a 34 year old, there's a huge difference in maturity and life experience there, which creates a power imbalance.

Nature disagrees that it’s not more natural as it is for family, and it’s more normal looking because of that.

What on earth are you on about here? Do you also think same sex couples are 'unnatural' or 'not normal looking'?

Libertynan · 29/11/2021 11:20

Do what you want OP

Your DD IBU

For what it's worth both my stepdad and my stepmother are younger than my parents. My stepmother is in fact only 7 years older than me. But I don't call her mummy, so it doesn't matter.

Life is short - grab happiness where you can.

whumpthereitis · 29/11/2021 11:21

OP is of course entitled to do what she likes, but it’s shortsighted to say the daughters will just get over it. Well, no, they may not. Depending on how strongly they feel, rightly or wrongly, it may very well lead to them estranging themselves from their mother. As much as OP is free to choose her course of action, so are they.

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 11:32

@XiCi

19 and I had no problem with it, she’s very maturely minded and they met through a mutual interest. I’m actually glad that she’s been able (for the most part) to avoid all the bullshit and mindfuckery women in their 20’s who want marriage and family go through you read about on here.

It’s a very very different situation, both married for the first time, no previous children, both starting out. This would be like someone her age dumping her husband at 34 to date some 20 year old stud and bring him home to her child, it’s just a little off in my mind.

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 11:34

@DirectionToPerfection

Oh that “power imbalance” stuff is just silly and takes away the idea of young women being able to make choices as adults. It’s so insulting to us all.

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 11:34

@Comedycook

It’s a very very different situation.

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 11:40

@SleepingStandingUp

It’s totally totally different as they both wanted marriage and family which happens a lot. Often 21 year old men are too immature at that point.

So it looks very different than a older Mum kicking it with some young stud in front of her 16 year old. I agree it’s “cringe”. I also question what a 30 year old man is doing with a 44 year old woman - is he after something or is it a milf type fetish (yuck)? These are thoughts that must have also occurred to her daughters.

ElizabethG81 · 29/11/2021 11:45

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Comedycook

It’s a very very different situation.[/quote]
I think you're right, it is a different situation as your DD was 19 years old when she got together with a man in his early 30s. The OP and her partner are both adults with life experience. They can do what they want. I'd be much more worried about your DD's situation.