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Original poster

I'm 44 and I have met a guy who is 30 - my daughters are not too happy.

286 replies

Cupcake00 · 28/11/2021 22:05

I met him in work. So knew him for about 18 months previous. He has always been so lovely and we always had a laugh when at work. We went on a few dates and since both changed jobs. I was very very apprehensive at first and very aware of the age gap. The more I have got to know him (its been about 10 months), the more I forget about the gap in age. I have dated in the past and I have never met anyone so kind and so caring. I told my daughters 24 and 16 about him a few weeks back and they have now met him. They're not happy at all. To the point my eldest has distanced herself quite a bit. My 16 year old says it's 'cringy'. I now feel more anxious than I did to begin with, when the age concerned me. Is it all worth it. Some friendly advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MayEye · 01/12/2021 12:14

I would never notice of a 16 year old girl describing anything their mother does as cringey as everything we do is cringey in their eyes Grin
I have a 16 yr old daughter and am dating a man close to my age and she was horrified initially. It’s the thought of their mother dating that is hard to imagine, they will get over it when they see you are happy. I do agree with keeping is separate for now though.
Enjoy your 30 year old ‘lad’ Hmm

MayEye · 01/12/2021 12:15

*take notice of

noblegreenk · 01/12/2021 12:23

I can see where your eldest daughter is coming from. When I was 24, I was living with a 31 year old boyfriend.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 12:36

@DirectionToPerfection

On the first page there are 7 comments that express support of the daughters and 6 that don’t. There are several comments which take issue with people supporting the daughters because I assume they are upset by it (I assume either because they are or have been in such relationships or get their heckles up at anything “sexist”) .
Factor in that people with age gaps are more likely to be interested in this post, that all the posters are women and that many will be older and you will realise the majority of people wouldn’t be in favour of this working out or being a good idea.

Even if that were not the case (and it is the case) what is certain is that the vast majority of adult (or near legal adult) women would not react well to their 44 year old Mother in a serious relationship (or probably any relationship) with some alternative young dude. And that and not proving how right it is that she should be entitled to her young man is what the post was all about.

OP wasn’t asking whether if you could accept dating the man if you were her, or whether you would support her dating him if you were her friend - she asked about her daughters. And the reality is her daughters aren’t likely to come around in support of this even if they can partially tolerate it - and that is by no means certain. My advice is that this will put a wedge between her and her daughters and it’s not worth it.

It comes down to whats more important, her relationship with her daughters and possibly future grandchild - or her relationship with this young buck and having some big us against the world romance (which probably won’t even last). For me the answer is very simple but obviously you feel otherwise.
There’s really nothing more to say about it.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 12:38

@Divebar2021

But would your daughter have an issue if she was 16?

DirectionToPerfection · 01/12/2021 12:54

@TarasCrazyTiara Wow, you're really reaching here.

I've just had a look at the first page. There are 4 posters who think it's a problem, 2 who can kind of see why the DDs might not be thrilled, but who ultimately think the OP should do what makes her happy. And 9 who say the OP should go for it and is doing nothing wrong. So 11 v 4 in favour. Seems pretty clear to me.

DirectionToPerfection · 01/12/2021 12:56

women would not react well to their 44 year old Mother in a serious relationship (or probably any relationship) with some alternative young dude.

Oh Christ, here we go again 🤣

Please enlighten us, what is an 'alternative young dude'?

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 13:01

@DirectionToPerfection

No there isn’t. Some of the 9 you are referring to are posts from the same people who are pro it replying to the people saying they agree with the daughters. Because those are the people who are most upset about people not accepting it.

But that’s irrelevant toward how the world at large and especially grown children thinking of their own mothers would feel anyway.

DirectionToPerfection · 01/12/2021 13:04

@TarasCrazyTiara

Nope, I counted by poster, not by comment. So 11 people expressed support for the OP Vs 4 who would have a problem with it. You can argue all you want but it's there in black and white.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 13:09

@DirectionToPerfection

It’s just a younger dude who has some quite alternative views on relationships and enjoys relationships with women who are old enough to have grown families close to his age. Someone who possibly likes being with someone more experienced or likes being eye candy and feeling a bit of a stud.
Probably a bit more of a sexual Picasso.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 13:10

@DirectionToPerfection

Yes it is, exactly as I said it was.

Chikapu · 01/12/2021 13:17

Young dude, now that right there is cringy. Unless you're in a David Bowie tribute band?

Comedycook · 01/12/2021 13:21

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@DirectionToPerfection

It’s just a younger dude who has some quite alternative views on relationships and enjoys relationships with women who are old enough to have grown families close to his age. Someone who possibly likes being with someone more experienced or likes being eye candy and feeling a bit of a stud.
Probably a bit more of a sexual Picasso.[/quote]
This has gotta be a wind up!!

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 13:26

@Comedycook

Nope not at all. Some men target women for exactly this kind of alternative relationship because they have a thing for it. He might even have done it before. They say whatever the older woman wants to hear to the point she is willing to distance herself from her own family for him. It’s emotionally manipulative and they take these older women for a ride that will end with them feeling like a fool once they realise they’ve been taken in by a horny guy with a fetish.

Comedycook · 01/12/2021 13:34

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Comedycook

Nope not at all. Some men target women for exactly this kind of alternative relationship because they have a thing for it. He might even have done it before. They say whatever the older woman wants to hear to the point she is willing to distance herself from her own family for him. It’s emotionally manipulative and they take these older women for a ride that will end with them feeling like a fool once they realise they’ve been taken in by a horny guy with a fetish.[/quote]
Why do you keep going on about fetishes?! The op isn't extremely elderly...It's not beyond the realms of possibility that a 44 year old woman is still conventionally attractive

5128gap · 01/12/2021 13:36

Tara your comments are as mad as a frog, but I'm enjoying them. Being in this sort of relationship myself, it's a rare glimpse at the sort of views some people hold, but would usually never say to you.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 13:49

@Comedycook

I’m not saying she’s not attractive - I’m a similar age to OP and the younger men who have hit on me didn’t mistake me for the Queen either, the point is that I seriously doubt any of them felt an attraction like they would for an age suitable partner, someone they could see a life with - it was either that they saw someone who they could get no strings attached easy sex from (because for some reason some young men seem to think middle aged women suddenly become interested in that) or someone for a fling which went nowhere. So it might well be genuine sexual attraction but it’s not the same as he would have for a woman who he would see as marriage or life partner material.

Seriously if you’ve ever talked or had banter with younger men you must have seen this, the (ones who would try it on) you can tell they look at you different than they do a younger woman / it’s about easy sex and novelty. That doesn’t mean they don’t like you or that they’re terrible people, they’re just men out for sex. But I really question the character of any such man who would insert himself into the family life of a woman who would go along with it.

Divebar2021 · 01/12/2021 13:50

@TarasCrazyTiara

What would you do if your 16 year old DD didn’t like your 44 year old OH because he was black, or French, or short or bald or any other factor that she felt was cringey. Would you stop seeing him?

( I don’t have a 16 year old but I hope that she would want me to be happy. I certainly wouldn’t expect to play happy families with any boyfriend and would see him separately away from my children. Some off-spring can be weird about their parents dating full stop.)

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 13:54

@Divebar2021

All those things are totally different. But it’s irrelevant anyway since I’m married to my daughters father so she doesn’t have to fear me bringing some young love island looking dude to Christmas.

Thursdaymiami · 01/12/2021 14:31

Wow the OPs dude is love island looking! You must know here well.
You know he’s probably an average man in his 30s
You have a weird obsession with horny young dudes.
Weird very weird

5128gap · 01/12/2021 14:57

@Thursdaymiami

Wow the OPs dude is love island looking! You must know here well. You know he’s probably an average man in his 30s You have a weird obsession with horny young dudes. Weird very weird
Haha. I was thinking the same. I wonder where Tara finds all these gorgeous young men with milf fetishes. Asking for a friend.....
TheVolturi · 01/12/2021 14:59

Ahhhh he's an adult, nowt wrong with it.

Comedycook · 01/12/2021 15:04

Haha. I was thinking the same. I wonder where Tara finds all these gorgeous young men with milf fetishes. Asking for a friend....

I have a friend who wants to know too Grin

Original poster
Cupcake00 · 01/12/2021 16:06

Yes, still here, sorry had a busy few days on the wards. It took me a while to read through these messages too!
Thankyou to those who have offered kind words and support.
Thankyou for the views of others. However, quite shocked by some and especially choice of names/words used. Although, it has definitely made me laugh.
My 30 year old lad/dude would laugh at being called either. He would definitely love the fact he's being compared to a 'love Island dude'.
After reading these messages, I'm actually thinking it probably has alot to do with me actually dating. It's very new to them after many years of it just being me. I have kept it very separate and will continue to.

OP posts:
IamEarthymama · 01/12/2021 16:46

I am 17 years older than my DW. We have been together for over 20 years. People looked askance at the beginning but we haven't heard any criticism for ages.
I guess people may discuss it when we are not there. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

We are very happy, though like most long term couples we have our difficult times.
Most of our friends are mutual, though we also have our own little groups, mostly through our interests.

Seize the Day!