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Original poster

I'm 44 and I have met a guy who is 30 - my daughters are not too happy.

286 replies

Cupcake00 · 28/11/2021 22:05

I met him in work. So knew him for about 18 months previous. He has always been so lovely and we always had a laugh when at work. We went on a few dates and since both changed jobs. I was very very apprehensive at first and very aware of the age gap. The more I have got to know him (its been about 10 months), the more I forget about the gap in age. I have dated in the past and I have never met anyone so kind and so caring. I told my daughters 24 and 16 about him a few weeks back and they have now met him. They're not happy at all. To the point my eldest has distanced herself quite a bit. My 16 year old says it's 'cringy'. I now feel more anxious than I did to begin with, when the age concerned me. Is it all worth it. Some friendly advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Avarua · 29/11/2021 01:58

Your daughters will need to get over it. You are allowed to live your life.

VioletRose91 · 29/11/2021 02:39

I think you need to sit down and have a proper conversation with your daughter as to why she seems to dislike him, is it purely based on age or does she just not like him as a person?

You are allowed to date whoever you wish OP, admittedly if my mum was with a man only a few years older than me I would be a little concerned (only because I know how people talk and I’d want to protect my mum from being called a cougar)

SexyNeckbeard · 29/11/2021 03:31

Unless your eldest has real concerns about him because she's met him and theres sonething about his personality she objects to and she has genuine worries (he seems like a cock lodger, he's rude etc) then she needs to keep her beak out. She's married with a kid, it doesn't affect her in any way.

Your youngest needs to just be reassured but I wouldn't end the relationship just because they don't like the age gap. Time for you to start building your life for when she flies the nest.

Bbub · 29/11/2021 03:41

I'm slightly older than my dad's fiance and I still manage to be happy for him. Your DDs will get over it.

Enjoy your romance OP I think it sounds great

notthemum · 29/11/2021 04:09

OP, my partner is eight years younger than me and only ten yeats older than my daughter. We have been with each other for 17 years. I have been living with him for nearly two.
When we were first together I worried about the age difference in case he wanted children. He assured me that it was fine and he would rather be with me. I have been quite ill over the last couple of years and he really has been amazing. My youngest (SEN) GS loves him.
We are really here for such a short time. If you get the chance to be happy Ffs take it. Be careful, try to avoid falling madly in love with him for now and most importantly have fun. 💐

PixelatedLunchbox · 29/11/2021 04:51

My parents-in-law are the same age. His health has failed and she is now his "carer" -- which some of you, bizarrely, speak of with dread. Hmm It's called love, and commitment, and is something that even same age partners often end up doing.

OP: just be happy and enjoy your life.

Staryflight445 · 29/11/2021 05:58

My husband is 10 years older than me and we’ve been together for 13 years.

Your children are being selfish, and judgemental.

ivykaty44 · 29/11/2021 06:14

It’s your dds prerogative not to like your date, but they really should know to keep that to themselves

If they are basing their dislike purely on his age, then the issue is all with them

It doesn’t matter whether he is 2 years or 200 years difference in age

starrynight21 · 29/11/2021 06:22

@Cupcake00

He has a son also and has been quite open about not wanting any more children. Yes, maybe keeping things separate may be a better idea.
I'd certainly be keeping things separate. Your daughter is a grown woman, married with a child. If she was a younger child who might end up having to live with your boyfriend as his stepdaughter , that might mean more. But as a grown woman she will have much less contact with him. In your position it's time to look after yourself and not be swayed by your daughter's opinions.

Enjoy your relationship - good men don't come along every day !

GlamorousHeifer · 29/11/2021 06:27

Well I got told on a separate thread that my husband was only with me because he could mold me into what he wants (16 year difference between us). Interesting that because the older party is a woman in this instance that the majority are in favour.

Catfog · 29/11/2021 06:31

If you have been single for a long time, do you think it might just be that it's a big adjustment for them to get their head around? As it's been the 3 of you, perhaps they are worried about stuff changing? Or that they feel protective over you and anyone would be viewed with a bit of caution? 30 isn't old at all, but it's not super young, a lot of people by that age have a good sense of who they are, stable jobs, ready for a relationship etc. If he has a child already and doesn't want anymore it sounds like that won't be an issue down the line either.

Catfog · 29/11/2021 06:33

@GlamorousHeifer

Well I got told on a separate thread that my husband was only with me because he could mold me into what he wants (16 year difference between us). Interesting that because the older party is a woman in this instance that the majority are in favour.
How old were you when you met? 30 and 44 isn't a huge gap, and he isn't a young adult he is a man who already has a child. If someone is markedly younger then perhaps yes people will judge.
Greygreenblue · 29/11/2021 06:42

MIL partner is 14 years older than her, and closer in age to her mother. She is probably about halfway between him and his eldest child in age. I don’t know what it was like at the beginning (they’ve been together well over 20 years) but I would say the family finds it mildly amusing, if they ever think about it at all.

My dad had a girlfriend who was 40 years younger than him once (no he isn’t rich). Now that I had a problem with. But even then, it wasn’t really my business was it?

Also you pass the half your age plus 7 test. So with any luck your daughters will get over it as the shock passes

jewel1968 · 29/11/2021 07:05

The only advice I would take from my kids is what my next mobile phone should be - they know their tech. They are not relationship experts and they are similar ages to your kids.

Honestly live your life and don't let youngsters dictate. I have no doubt if you end it and found another partner they would have an issue with them too.

XiCi · 29/11/2021 07:05

Some of these comments are hilarious. Talking about grooming when the man is in his 30s 🤣🤣. And him being her carer? You're talking about something that could only happen in 40 years FFS

I think that the only time an age gap could be an issue is when one of the people is very young and inexperienced. I know multiple age gap couples of around 10 years difference that are very happy. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at a man in their 30s with a woman in their 40s. You'd have to have a really fucking boring life to think that was a source of gossip.

OP, you're children are being very selfish and are old enough to know better, expecially your eldest. Her reaction is awful tbh and it says alot that she has not considered your happiness. You deserve a life and if this man makes you happy then all the better. I'd probably just keep relationship and kids separate for a while till they get used to the idea and can see you are serious about each other. It's hard to find someone attractive, kind and funny. Don't give that up because you're kids are being thoughtless and selfish. They will come round.

AndMatt · 29/11/2021 07:07

@PixelatedLunchbox

My parents-in-law are the same age. His health has failed and she is now his "carer" -- which some of you, bizarrely, speak of with dread. Hmm It's called love, and commitment, and is something that even same age partners often end up doing.

OP: just be happy and enjoy your life.

I was DH's carer (in his early 50s) until his death. One of the difficult things to deal with around his death (from a long list) is the knowledge that there'll be no one to do the same for me Sad
XiCi · 29/11/2021 07:08

I have no doubt if you end it and found another partner they would have an issue with them too
Yes believe me the 16 year old comment about it being 'cringy' is likely to apply to any boyfriend you have. They find it very hard to accept at that age that parents have a sex life!

AndMatt · 29/11/2021 07:10

@GlamorousHeifer

Well I got told on a separate thread that my husband was only with me because he could mold me into what he wants (16 year difference between us). Interesting that because the older party is a woman in this instance that the majority are in favour.
You weren't 33 when you met though, were you?
Chunkymenrock · 29/11/2021 07:11

@Restart10

I'm with your dds, he is closer in age to your 24yr old.
So what? Why does that mean anything? Why should that dictate the OP 's decision? OP, it's actually not your daughters' business who you decide to date. If you enjoy each others' company and are attracted to him as a person, age is irrelevant. Sometimes you just click with people. See how it goes! Sounds fab.
closedown · 29/11/2021 07:12

@XiCi

I have no doubt if you end it and found another partner they would have an issue with them too Yes believe me the 16 year old comment about it being 'cringy' is likely to apply to any boyfriend you have. They find it very hard to accept at that age that parents have a sex life!
This.

And OP, do you think your 16-year-old would break up with her BF if you said you didn't like him much? Hah!

Camii · 29/11/2021 07:43

I would tell dd you understand how they feel and not force time all together for now.
Of course you are entitled to be in a happy relationship just give them a bit more time to get used to it. And keep things separate for now if you're not in a rush to move in etc

DrNo007 · 29/11/2021 07:59

Do not give up what may be your one chance of relationship happiness because of the prejudices of your daughter. She will come round in time and if she doesn’t that is her loss.

kirinm · 29/11/2021 08:00

There's a 14 year age gap between my DM and her partner. She met him when I was about 16 and we (my brothers and I) didn't like him. But, they've been together for 25 years now and are as happy as they ever were. And us 'kids' have got rid of the chips on our shoulders.

I wouldn't let your kids hold you back.

TheCovidScoorge · 29/11/2021 08:02

He's 6 years older than your daughter. Sorry I wouldn't be to pleased either that's a small age gap between your kids and him, he's old enough to be your daughters boyfriend/husband.

TheCovidScoorge · 29/11/2021 08:03

He's 6 years older than your daughter. Sorry I wouldn't be to pleased either that's a small age gap between your kids and him, he's old enough to be your daughters boyfriend/husband.