I'm 44 and I have met a guy who is 30 - my daughters are not too happy.

[Cupcake00]

I met him in work. So knew him for about 18 months previous. He has always been so lovely and we always had a laugh when at work. We went on a few dates and since both changed jobs. I was very very apprehensive at first and very aware of the age gap. The more I have got to know him (its been about 10 months), the more I forget about the gap in age. I have dated in the past and I have never met anyone so kind and so caring. I told my daughters 24 and 16 about him a few weeks back and they have now met him. They're not happy at all. To the point my eldest has distanced herself quite a bit. My 16 year old says it's 'cringy'. I now feel more anxious than I did to begin with, when the age concerned me. Is it all worth it. Some friendly advice would be appreciated.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@DirectionToPerfection

Oh that “power imbalance” stuff is just silly and takes away the idea of young women being able to make choices as adults. It’s so insulting to us all.[/quote]
You are extremely blinkered if you think there's no difference in maturity and life experience between a 19yo woman and a 32yo man, and that this doesn't manifest itself in the relationship in some way.

You think this is fine and yet you are so judgemental of the OP. Stinks of misogyny to me.

You are their mum. The thought of a parent having sex, snogging on the sofa, going on dates is probably massively cringy to the 16 year old ,especially as all of the life she can remember you were single. The fact that he is only six years older than your eldest daughter is probably very weird for her too. However you are not just their mum. You are absolutely allowed to be woman and a girlfriend and a lover . If you like him and he likes you then enjoy it and see where it goes. They may be concerned that he will move in with you and be 'new dad'. That is probably giving them major ick and that's very understandable. Maybe keep the 2 things separate, enjoy mum time ,granny time with them and separate special time with him. If he is in your life for a long time things will evolve naturally and it will work itself into whatever it is meant to be.

Have a read of this board, especially Relationships- then be happy you have found someone who you are compatible with and likes you for you! That's better than probably 50% of relationships.

I wouldn't worry so much about the age gap as you got to know each other over time, and that's more solid than say if you had met online and were deliberately looking for someone younger, which I'm sure you weren't.

Your kids will find all resumption of your sex life ikky so I wouldn't let that influence anything!

Ultimately being happy and being loved isn't that common in life and so my attitude is unless there's some power imbalance, just go for it. I don't see why you wouldn't- what if you took another 11 years to find someone, or found someone aged 60, they wouldn't like that either.

Lucky you, it sounds a lovely situation and your children will see that over time as long as you continue to spend time with them and don't insist he's there all the time or anything silly like that.

@DirectionToPerfection

It’s “misogyny” to be fine with a marriage between a woman in her early 20’s and a man in his 30’s? Whatever. Seems “misogyny” means anything and nothing.

I think its a difficult one OP as its very possible your DDs won't get over it. Age gap relationships where the woman us older arouse really strong negative feelings. These are often along the lines that the woman is sad, deluding herself, being used and made a fool of, is a mother figure etc. If your DDs have absorbed these attitudes they will find it very difficult. They won't want their mother to appear sad or foolish, or be taken advantage of, much less the idea you are 'mothering' someone else. These are hard feelings to process, and they might never do it. You then have to make a choice. Its really sad when this happens, and I hope very much that this isn't the case for you.

Sorry I wouldn't do anything that adversely impacts the relationship I have with my kids. That's the key relationship and ain't worth damaging.

The age gap would make most people that age uncomfortable.

My mum is 17 years older than her partner and I couldn't care less. He makes her really happy and that is all that matters to me. They are being selfish imo

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@DirectionToPerfection

It’s “misogyny” to be fine with a marriage between a woman in her early 20’s and a man in his 30’s? Whatever. Seems “misogyny” means anything and nothing.[/quote]
No...It's because you have double standards

Nothing wrong with it op. Your dds are being really selfish. If you were a man it would be completely different.

@AllThingsServeTheBeam

Nothing wrong with it op. Your dds are being really selfish. If you were a man it would be completely different.

Would it? How can you assume that? In that scenario I would think her son may likely have concerns too.

Haven't read the thread yet but if it was the other way round no one would care! Your children aren't really children so go out and enjoy yourself!

I'm 44 I have a 24 year old son and I've been on a couple of dates with a 34 year old! I've also been single 10 years... no gets to decide they'd rather you were single than out having fun etc who cares if he's younger, he's a grown man with his own child! Don't lose being happy to please your kids who won't be around when your lonely to entertain you!

@Comedycook

So what? Even if I do that’s got nothing to do with hating myself or other women. But it’s not double standards, if a really responsible 21 year old man married a woman in her early 30’s then I would be fine with that too, it’s just a lot lot less likely.

It’s being older with older kids that just makes it weird and a bit creepy on both ends.

So it looks very different than a older Mum kicking it with some young stud he's a THIRTY YEAR OLD FATHER. He is not a young stud 😂😂😂😂🙄😂🙄

@TarasCrazyTiara

You really can't see how it's misogynistic to believe that a 14 year age gap is fine, but only when the man is older?

Bloody hell

Lol at a 30 year old man with children being described as a 'young stud' 🤣

@ReadyforTakeOff the age gap the other way wouldn't even be noted. In RL or on here. It's only when the woman is the one that's older. Don't act like it's not

I also question what a 30 year old man is doing with a 44 year old woman - is he after something or is it a milf type fetish (yuck)? These are thoughts that must have also occurred to her daughters.

I also question what a 19 year old woman is doing with a 32 year old man - is she after something or is it a daddy type fetish (yuck)?

It’s being older with older kids that just makes it weird and a bit creepy on both ends

A thirty year old man dating a woman who is 44 is not creepy...what world so you live in!? Why is it creepy because she has older kids?

It’s being older with older kids that just makes it weird and a bit creepy on both ends.
They're both into adulthood so no hebephile vibes. So is it that you think it's akin to something a little incestuous? Like oohh if she's shag a guy 14 years younger than herself she's basically be OK shagging one of her own kids?? I'm mean I'm massively stretching here but I can't see how it's creepy two "proper" adults with kids and exs having sex with each other is creepy.

Op has been a single parent to her daughters for a very long time. It may be that no longer being the centre of her universe has triggered jealousy or fear, but they need to get over themselves.

DS is 30, and if he had the chance to date 44 year old Jessica Chastain, or Shakira, or Natalie Portman - I could go on - I doubt he'd be exactly horrified
.
As a side note, there's an element of misogyny here that indicates some women cannot believe men would be attracted to older women, as our value is purely related to our looks and physical desirability.

He’s 30 and a father, you’re hardly cradle snarching op!. My dh and I have the same age gap. I was in my late 20s when we met and he, in his 40s. Our relationship is solid.

These days, you really cannot tell the difference between a 46 year old and a 60 year old in many cases. These ages are generally considered mid to late middle-aged.

As for what other people think — the whole point of life imho is not to give a damn about what others think, but to achieve happiness The pearl clutchers are more likely to be slightly envious of you op.

Have fun 🤩.

[quote AllThingsServeTheBeam]@ReadyforTakeOff the age gap the other way wouldn't even be noted. In RL or on here. It's only when the woman is the one that's older. Don't act like it's not [/quote]
I'm not acting anything and please don't turn this into a woman/man thing.

The key element here is her kids and how they feel which you seem to have glossed over.

@ReadyforTakeOff at the age her kids are they're being selfish. It has nothing to do with her kids who OP spends her time with. Is she meant to remain single forever just in case it makes her 16 year old cringe?!

I think a lot of people have very dated ideas...44 isn't considered old anymore. I remember as a child in the eighties, women in their forties dressed very differently to younger women and would suddenly cut their hair into the ubiquitous middle aged style. Nowadays both men and women come across as much younger. I know men and women in their fifties...they still dress young, they shop where younger people shop, they go to gigs and festivals...they're not decrepit

Op, how old is your boyfriend's dc? I wonder if your daughters are noticing it more because he has quite young children so it feels very different to them.

I think your daughters will come round to this with a bit of time and when they realise you are happy. It may not even be about the age thing but more that they are used to having your undivided attention for more than a decade. Give it time.