Page 10 | I'm 44 and I have met a guy who is 30 - my daughters are not too happy.

Cupcake00 · 2021-11-28T22:05:53+00:00

I met him in work. So knew him for about 18 months previous. He has always been so lovely and we always had a laugh when at work. We went on a few dates and since both changed jobs. I was very very apprehensive at first and very aware of the age gap. The more I have got to know him (its been about 10 months), the more I forget about the gap in age. I have dated in the past and I have never met anyone so kind and so caring. I told my daughters 24 and 16 about him a few weeks back and they have now met him. They're not happy at all. To the point my eldest has distanced herself quite a bit. My 16 year old says it's 'cringy'. I now feel more anxious than I did to begin with, when the age concerned me. Is it all worth it. Some friendly advice would be appreciated.

nannybeach · 30/11/2021 09:01

You can't help who you fall for. My 1st H was a month younger than me. At 25,he was feet up, pipe and slippers. I had my very long hair cut to a chin length Bob because he convinced me I was far too old for it. The hairdresser cried. I'm 71 now with long hair. My DH 13 years older than DD and I have been together over 30 years. It's not your birthdate,it's your aspect on life,your opinions. I also was nursing many years,met people who had one foot in the grave by 50. I know people like this. Have several friends who in their 20s married men in their 40s every one of them divorced

DaisyandSimeon · 30/11/2021 09:12

I can understand how they feel because to them you are only mum, not a sexually active woman. For them it's obviously going to be cringy but you can't run your life around your children, so carry on with the relationship. It may go nowhere as he may want children of his own, and this isn't an option for you, but you can both gain something from the relationship and enjoy it. Personally I wouldn't fall too deeply in love with someone so much younger than me because it think it will eventually fizzle out. I know it would be different if the sexes were reversed, but that's the way it is.

DirectionToPerfection · 30/11/2021 09:39

Hear hear @nannybeach - good on you!

Lili132 · 30/11/2021 18:27

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Comedycook

That’s very very different, they were on the same page with life and family goals and both families fully accept that without questioning (as far as I’m aware). OP and her young man may well be on the same page with their relationship goals as well - but when those goals are to have some fun with someone her daughter could date and him to have an older woman - OP’s DD’s may not be on the same page and want to be around it. Which they aren’t as they have expressed. I mean it’s serious current day Madonna vibes .[/quote]
OP and her partner are ALSO on the same page with life. They both have children and do not plan to have more. They both have life experience and are at the age when their preferences are less likely to change.

I find your daughter's situation far more weird and creepy and I'm only using those words in response to you being offensive in a first place.

Sometimes we can be misogynistic without realising it. It's hard to tell how would you think growing up in different culture with different norms. It doesn't seem like you have any real arguments to back up your bias.

XiCi · 30/11/2021 18:40

TarasCrazyTiara Why to you keep referring to this man as if he is barely out of childhood. It's fucking weird. He is a 30 year old man with his own children. 30!. Not a 'horny young dude' as you like to refer to him

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 03:53

@Lili132

She may feel that is true, but the reality is what a 30 yo man is looking for is quit different than a 44 yo woman. Sometimes you’ve got to be harsh to be kind and their is a good reason her daughters find it “cringey” and weird. He is a man who has split from the child of his mother, there is very good chance he is in cock lodger, milf chaser territory and very little chance this will lead to a long relationship with him becoming part of the daughters lives (and if she tries to make him part of the younger ones life she will push her away).

And I don’t mind if you think my take is “misogynistic” as I see that word thrown out so frequently and pointlessly on these boards it has no real meaning here. It’s like “red flag”, something you rarely hear in real life but see 10 times a post on Mumsnet.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 03:57

@XiCi

Yes, he has his own children and now his relationship with their mother has broken down he likely isn’t looking for anything real. That is why in this context he is a horny young dude. Sometimes when men split up young from something serious they go back into adolescent mode and try to get as much as they can or live out fetishes.
OP is very likely to be blind to the red flags and not see her young lad this way.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 04:02

@XiCi

I see this kind of thing all the time, I don’t know what it’s like for you but you would not believe the amount of young men I get propositioned by who I know are single or recently divorced.

When I think of them hanging round my kids or me introducing him be to my kids I cringe so I’m not supposed her daughter does. Frankly most young men looking for women outside of the normal age range are fuckpigs looking for what they think will be easy sex (like I’m meant to be flattered your fat before 40?). That’s fine if your an older woman looking for a quick fling or occasional sex but that’s not OP.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 04:03

*not surprised

Thursdaymiami · 01/12/2021 05:32

@TarasCrazyTiara
Really stop
You’re sounding slightly crazy

5128gap · 01/12/2021 08:08

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@XiCi

I see this kind of thing all the time, I don’t know what it’s like for you but you would not believe the amount of young men I get propositioned by who I know are single or recently divorced.

When I think of them hanging round my kids or me introducing him be to my kids I cringe so I’m not supposed her daughter does. Frankly most young men looking for women outside of the normal age range are fuckpigs looking for what they think will be easy sex (like I’m meant to be flattered your fat before 40?). That’s fine if your an older woman looking for a quick fling or occasional sex but that’s not OP.[/quote]
Just because that's been your experience doesn't mean its the same for the OP though. The sort of younger man who approaches you as an older woman depends on many variables: Where you meet them (huge difference between shared hobby and dodgy bar for example) what you look like (some women don't look their sge and so younger men approach without realising, and if a woman is very attractive their age will not be off putting to lots of men when they find out) and whether the man has deliberately sought out the woman because she is older (the ones who tell you they love older women) and has a history of it.
Though tbh, with a gap the size of OPs and their ages, it barely qualifies as an 'older woman' scenario.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 08:17

@5128gap

This literally happens at a shared hobby/sport with social side at which men somewhat outnumber the women, actually it’s even happened at the supermarket. It’s not some crappy pub, I would expect some men to try to get their rocks off with anyone willing in that situation.

44 woman to a 30 yo man very much qualifies as an older woman and lucky lad scenario, which is why her daughters have reacted the way they have. If you think 30 yo men with 44 yo women is even remotely close to being a normal minority of dating your wrong. How many couples do you see like that? Barely any? I’ve never known one and I know loads of people.

5128gap · 01/12/2021 08:36

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@5128gap

This literally happens at a shared hobby/sport with social side at which men somewhat outnumber the women, actually it’s even happened at the supermarket. It’s not some crappy pub, I would expect some men to try to get their rocks off with anyone willing in that situation.

44 woman to a 30 yo man very much qualifies as an older woman and lucky lad scenario, which is why her daughters have reacted the way they have. If you think 30 yo men with 44 yo women is even remotely close to being a normal minority of dating your wrong. How many couples do you see like that? Barely any? I’ve never known one and I know loads of people.[/quote]
I've known a few. Including my own situation. I suppose it depends on the circles you mix in, but in my world there isn't much age segregation, with people from early 20s to 50s mixing professionally and socially, which inevitably leads to relationships where age is not seen as that important. But how common it is was not my point. My point was that the OP and her partner are not very far apart in age in a way that would necessarily impact lifestyle or outlook. Neither are 'young' or 'old' but both somewhere in the middle. It sounds as though you have an aversion to men you perceive as young, as you are happy your DD is not with one, and you keep using patronising language like 'lad' and pushing negative stereotypes about younger men; when you must know rationally that even if you know a lot of people, you can't possibly know them all and their motivations.

Chikapu · 01/12/2021 08:49

@TarasCrazyTiara you really need to stop, you're making yourself look ridiculous.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 09:02

@Chikapu

If your dating a younger man I can understand why it would be upsetting. However how I see it is how most people and especially your grown children would view it - hence OP’s own children responding in this way “cringey” and the eldest distancing herself. To them it looks ridiculous.

The OP and this lad can do what they want and so can everyone else, but that’s how most people will see it. Which is why this post exists in the first place.

Chikapu · 01/12/2021 09:17

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Chikapu

If your dating a younger man I can understand why it would be upsetting. However how I see it is how most people and especially your grown children would view it - hence OP’s own children responding in this way “cringey” and the eldest distancing herself. To them it looks ridiculous.

The OP and this lad can do what they want and so can everyone else, but that’s how most people will see it. Which is why this post exists in the first place.[/quote]
Your own daughter is married to a man with a similar age gap, the fact that you keep insisting that this is normal and natural but the other way round is creepy, cringy and a fetish shows your misogyny flag flying high and proud. If you can't see that then I don't know what to tell you.

DirectionToPerfection · 01/12/2021 10:10

However how I see it is how most people and especially your grown children would view it.

It's really not though. This thread is a good example of that.

We also don't know that OP's children have an issue with the age specifically, or just feel weird about the fact that she's dating someone.

isitsummertimeyet · 01/12/2021 10:17

if you enjoy being with him then age doesn't matter, life is hard enough to find someone that's compatible without worrying about what if 20 years down the line he might be a carer for me or vice versa. Not all of us make it to old age anyway, enjoy it for what it is, if you have fun for 1 year or the next 20 its surely better than a life lived alone because of what others may think.

Comedycook · 01/12/2021 10:39

The OP and this lad

Why do you keep referring to him as a lad...he's a thirty year old man not a teenager

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 11:08

@DirectionToPerfection

Actually it is, if you read most of the responses that didn’t stick around they say the same as the daughters, it’s just those either dating younger men or who see this as some sexism issue who are upset enough to argue otherwise. Like many things on Mumsnet, a thread full of people passionate enough to comment on it isn’t indicative of real attitudes (something which some mumsnetters seem to find difficult to understand).

If you really think that a 44 year old Mum bringing home a 30 year old dude to her two grown daughters would usually be a total non issue your dreaming.

TarasCrazyTiara · 01/12/2021 11:11

@Chikapu

It’s the reality - at worst it is cringey to the daughters (and would be to almost all daughters in the same situation) and will very likely lead to emotional distance of some degree with their mother. It’s possibly creepy because he could be a user and to outsiders either of them could be seen this way.
It’s possibly a fetish or possibly he sees a older woman as good for something less serious because he’s broken up with children and she doesn’t realise that.

Comedycook · 01/12/2021 11:26

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Chikapu

It’s the reality - at worst it is cringey to the daughters (and would be to almost all daughters in the same situation) and will very likely lead to emotional distance of some degree with their mother. It’s possibly creepy because he could be a user and to outsiders either of them could be seen this way.
It’s possibly a fetish or possibly he sees a older woman as good for something less serious because he’s broken up with children and she doesn’t realise that.[/quote]
It's absolutely nuts to suggest it's a fetish. Women in their forties often look and dress in quite a youthful way. They still go to bars, clubs and gigs like people in their twenties and thirties do. I'm 40 but I know a woman who is 29 and we get on very well as friends I mean... we're both straight women. We have lots in common and get on. I cannot see why you think like this,? Are you a bit old before your time?

DirectionToPerfection · 01/12/2021 11:26

Tara you really need to go back and read the thread if you think the majority agree with you. Even on the first page that's not the case.

5128gap · 01/12/2021 11:48

I think its fair to say that some young men have older woman fetishes. Or think older women are desperate and so make for easy sex. Or are experienced so make for better sex. Or are after their money. Just like its fair to say that some older men have young women fetishes, and want to control and exploit a younger partner. Its hardly news that some men are awful, and it sounds to me that Tara has met a few of the more unpleasant younger men, hence her preference for older ones. The problem lies in an inability to recognise that her own experiences can't be applied universally, and when a person has such fixed ideas, they are often not able to change them, regardless of the lack of rationality. I hope for the OPs sake her daughters are not this type of person.

Divebar2021 · 01/12/2021 12:13

It’s not as if the OP has gone on holiday to Turkey and come back with a waiter. She knows this guy. As a woman of 51 who works in a male dominated industry I wouldn’t have an issue of a relationship with a man of 40, particularly if we knew each other. If he was 38 I might have a frank conversation about the age difference but if he wasn’t bothered I wouldn’t let it worry me too much. This is obviously a different scenario from meeting a guy in a bar or club… I’ve been in that situation too and it was obvious what his priority was.