Messaging with woman from work

[Antonbris]

I'm a married man in my mid 30s. We have 3 primary aged kids. She works part time and I work full time in an office. The office has a high turnover of staff but everyone seems to get on well with each other. Lots of temps. I get on well with a woman at work, same age. We are professional and work hard but we laugh and joke a lot too and we've become good work friends. We don't really spend time together during lunch. We have different groups there. Its a big busy office. She has a boyfriend of about 6 months.

About 4 months ago we became friends on Facebook and started chatting on messenger. Our conversations range from work, jobs we have to do, funny things that happen in the office, tiredness, stress, life in general, things we've done etc. The conservations are normally jokey in tone. Nothing inappropriate has been said by either of us. No flirting, no hints or suggestions. No attempts at making it anything more than chat. But the messaging is now happening every other evening or so. Sometimes it's quick back and forth and over. Sometimes it lasts up until bedtime. The other night we were messaging at half ten / eleven at night. I've said on a few occasions that we don't have to message as it's late or if it's annoying or whatever, but she never says it is and we just keep on messaging. To repeat, it's not sexualised or suggestive in any way.

My question is… is something going on? I wouldn't message a man friend like this but I've never had this style of messaging with a woman and don't know if she sees something in this? I'm not sure what her motivation is. Are we just normal friends or is something there?

I'm really confused and not sure what to do, what's going on, or if I need to stop.
Thanks.

Sounds like it has potential to develop into more.

Does your wife know?

The fact you’re asking this question means alarm bells should be ringing.

I would be extremely unhappy with this if you were my husband. Too much contact outside of work for my liking.

Think of it this way, if it was the other way around and your wife was messaging another man this much, how would this make you feel? There’s your answer

You absolutely need to stop, you’re running a very serious risk of jumping right over the line. To be honest, you’re putting rather too much thought and time into these communications already imo.

I agree. I wouldn't be happy and I feel like I'm keeping a secret from my wife. At the same time I don't want to upset a friend. I've suggested stopping but she ignores it and we just keep chatting.
What's her motivation? Is she just being a friend or what?

Would you be happy with your wife having this sort of thing going on with a male work colleague? Messaging late into the evening?
I suspect not.
You know this isn't entirely ok. Spend your evening free time with your wife, not with your work mate.

Would you rather upset your wife or your work friend?

You’d rather upset your wife who you are married to than a woman you hardly know….? Things have gone too far already

Have you told her stuff you haven't told your wife? Have you spent as much time and effort trying to make your wife laugh as you have trying to make this friend laugh? As much time listening to your wife as you have to this friend?

You’ve asked her to stop and she doesn’t, clearly she wants more. Even if she doesn’t she’s overstepping boundaries

Her motivation doesn't matter, your response does.

You recognize the no feeling, so instead of asking if she wants to stop, you ought to say ' it's late, talk to you tomorrow at work' .

I think you're the only one who knows if it's right or not. I message several male colleagues and ex-colleagues really frequently, we bitch about work and share jokes and things we find funny. My husband knows I do this, I often show him the messages if I think he'll also find them amusing. There is nothing remotely fishy going on so there is no issue.

I've suggested stopping but she ignores it and we just keep chatting.

Stop suggesting you stop and just stop once it gets beyond a couple of replies. That’s a lot of time to spend chatting with anyone outside work, male or female. What does your wife think about the level of contact with your female colleague?

Why not ask your wife what she thinks,
Hand your phone to her and let her read the messages.
Not keen on that idea?
Well you know its wrong then don't you

Yep 👆🏻

Just stop replying at late hours. Have a cut off time and a reasonable start time. Say between 9.30pm and 7am is out of bounds. Only reply during those times.

Id be annoyed as your wife if i was being ignored, or you were showing a lack of interest in me while you messaged another woman.

Turn your phone off when you get home.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. She sounds bored (presumably not living with the BF?) and might be messaging all sorts of people, fishing for replies to kill time. Just get out of the habit of responding except now and then, and this should sort itself out.

@Antonbris

I agree. I wouldn't be happy and I feel like I'm keeping a secret from my wife. At the same time I don't want to upset a friend. I've suggested stopping but she ignores it and we just keep chatting. What's her motivation? Is she just being a friend or what?

Why are you "suggesting stopping" rather than just not initiating conversations, or being so available to respond? You're facilitating the frequency and you're in control of reducing it if you want to.

You're going to have to majorly back off as you know.

Don't read or reply then later briefly apologise and say what you were doing with your family (do something with them!). Repeat until she's offended. If she's this immature and selfish to eat up your time in this way you needn't expect a mature response. For goodness sake stop before she has more to potentially show your wife.

You don't need to suggest stopping, just end the conversation. "Me and DW are going to settle down and watch a movie now, I'll see you in the office on Monday. Have a good weekend"

You know it’s wrong. Spend the time with your wife and count yourself lucky.

I regularly message with a male colleague. Lots of stuff happening at work that we’re both “in on” that we’re unable to discuss openly with others so we vent to each other, chat about TV etc and there’s absolutely no relationship potential. I’m very happily married. But, I mention the messages to dh… “oh Sam says he’s watching the new series of You and says we should watch it..” type mentions so dh is in on the chat and it’s not a secret friendship. I’ll say to dh, Sam and I got lunch today and then mention bits of the conversation. I don’t hide it - I like Sam as a friend but neither side wants more (I think he sees me as an older mum type - I’m only 7 ish years older but have dc)

You’re…familiar with this website, presumably. This is an odd forum in which to raise this. It’s not going to go well for you. But I think you know that.

Forget about trying to fathom her motive. You already feel you are keeping it secret and that's a major alarm bell. If you suggest backing off and she's not listening then take the lead by not replying or putting her on block outside working hours because this has the potential to develop and bleed into your relationship. How you play it will depend on how far that goes. You don't need to message her during family time so stop doing it. So you might upset a friend. Far better than upsetting the mother of your children.