Messaging with woman from work

[Antonbris]

I'm a married man in my mid 30s. We have 3 primary aged kids. She works part time and I work full time in an office. The office has a high turnover of staff but everyone seems to get on well with each other. Lots of temps. I get on well with a woman at work, same age. We are professional and work hard but we laugh and joke a lot too and we've become good work friends. We don't really spend time together during lunch. We have different groups there. Its a big busy office. She has a boyfriend of about 6 months.

About 4 months ago we became friends on Facebook and started chatting on messenger. Our conversations range from work, jobs we have to do, funny things that happen in the office, tiredness, stress, life in general, things we've done etc. The conservations are normally jokey in tone. Nothing inappropriate has been said by either of us. No flirting, no hints or suggestions. No attempts at making it anything more than chat. But the messaging is now happening every other evening or so. Sometimes it's quick back and forth and over. Sometimes it lasts up until bedtime. The other night we were messaging at half ten / eleven at night. I've said on a few occasions that we don't have to message as it's late or if it's annoying or whatever, but she never says it is and we just keep on messaging. To repeat, it's not sexualised or suggestive in any way.

My question is… is something going on? I wouldn't message a man friend like this but I've never had this style of messaging with a woman and don't know if she sees something in this? I'm not sure what her motivation is. Are we just normal friends or is something there?

I'm really confused and not sure what to do, what's going on, or if I need to stop.
Thanks.

By repeatedly asking us what her motivation might be, it sounds like you want us to tell you that she fancies you.
Sorry to dump on your male ego that clearly needs a stroke right now, but some women are bored and just like the attention. She may fancy you, but she may not. Why don’t you ask your wife what she thinks?

I'm asking this forum because I want honest opinions on what's going on. I feel confused as to why she's open to messaging. Are we both being too polite to say stop or is she trying to pursue something.
As I said there's been no inappropriate content to I conversations, yet I know if I told my wife she'd hit the roof.
I've never been in this scenario before and not sure what the best course of action is.

Never mind her motivation. What’s yours?

@Antonbris
If in doubt, stop. Simple as that.

You're already concerned which answers your own question.

Think of it like this, your wife does this - how would you feel?

Yh yh.. gosh has she messaged me again and i just have to keep replying.. you sound weak, like you have to respond but its none of your fault, i think you are infatuated secretly

Oh come on now! You are hoping that everyone on Mumsnet will say "yes, she has the hots for you" because that will validate what YOU think and want to happen.
And where, incidentally, is your wife, the one you referred to as 'she' in the third line of your opening post and what is your wife doing whilst you are secretly conducting online intercourse with your work colleague? Nip it in the bud now

OP you sound like a people pleaser. It's time to please your wife. You've already acknowledged that she'd 'hit the roof' which means you know it's wrong.

It didn't matter why she's doing it. It's up to you to put boundaries in place. Do it.

I'm really confused and not sure what to do, what's going on, or if I need to stop

Deconfuse yourself, stop bothering about 'upsetting' a relative stranger, who you just happen to have been thrown together thru work, and regain control of this situation, rather than letting it continue - it's easy to enjoy the attention, but it will end in tears.

You're a married man with 3 children, please take your responsibility seriously rather than tinkering with a false friendship that can't go anywhere, without being disrespectful to your wife.

The motivation is irrelevant. Try and get past that. You know your wife will go mad if she finds out so just knock it on the head. Tell her and mean it and stop faffing about trying to work out her motive.

This is difficult as she may genuinely just be after a friendship/be lonely.

However you’ve said it yourself your wife would be upset which speaks volumes. I think you need to respond to her less and less or simply tell her you don’t want to be close friends outside of work.

I have male friends - some of which were married and we do message from time to time but not like that. It can be late/early but in our (we have the same job) line of work we are often both up and working at those times. I certainly wouldn’t expect to keep our friendship secret from his wife ! Do you get the impression this women doesn’t want your wife to know ? Do you speak about your wife and kids to her at all ?

You need to stop.

Do you chat and joke with your wife in this way and with this frequency?

You need to take responsibility for the emotional health of your marriage and your role in letting a work friendship take over your time at home.

If I were your wife I’d be talking to divorce solicitors, just to make you realise what you’re jeopardising.

Slow it down. Urgently.

Honestly, you’ve not even been caught yet and already coming up with crap excuses to justify it.

Poor you, all confused and having this women lead you on not knowing what her intentions are, you must be so innocent 😒

You don’t need to tell her to stop messaging you, you stop messaging her! Plus tell your wife, you obviously know you was aiming for an emotional affair as a minimum.

I've suggested stopping but she ignores it and we just keep chatting.

You’re a grown up. You make. DECISION every time you text her or answer her message. Just stop.

This is on the edge of an emotional affair. The chat doesn’t have to be sexualised or flirty. It’s the emotional focus which is on the edge of a betrayal of your wife.

How would you feel if your wife we’re doing this?

Do you always refer to her as “she”? My wife really doesn’t take much more effort.

Just stop it, now.

It doesn’t matter why she is messaging. Why are you messaging? If you just cool off and stop messaging, she will stop.

Just say I’m going out with my wife or I’m watching a film with my wife or I’m cooking a meal with my wife. Then stop messaging!

As long as your ok with your wife messaging a man late at night on a regular basis and keeping it a secret.
Just be honest , you are hoping that this woman fancies you..

Put down your phone and speak to your wife. I suppose she is super busy with 3 children and not getting any help while you are shooting the breeze with Ms Justgoodfriends

Don’t be so ridiculous. If you genuinely thought it was innocent you wouldn’t be keeping it secret and you’d be asking your wife these questions. You’re into this woman. Stop trying to pretend its anything else.

She could be lonely and you're paying her attention.
She might fancy you.
She might find you funny.

You are expending energy on this woman that should be directed elsewhere. If I was your partner I would be very hurt. Just be honest with this woman and say you feel uncomfortable about the messaging and it must stop.

I get the impression you know exactly why shes messaging but you'd like her possible attraction to you confirmed. She’s either just friendly, trying to keep her boyfriend on his toes, likes keeping someone on the back burner for her ego’s sake or interested. Which one it is shouldn't matter, that you are curious which it is does…because its implicit of your own interest. If I were in your shoes I’d recognise that in myself and stop it immediately if I valued my marriage.

The fact you've asked shows uts already crossed a boundary even if only in your head. You're worried about upsetting a friend but you should be worried far more about upsetting your wife. Yes, men and women can be friends, I've got more male friends than female, but I've never had to question my motivation.......Do you delete the messages too? I think you're on very thin ice, your wife WILL uncover this at some point and then reality will hit. Tone it back now, get some boundaries in place for all of your sakes.

Our messaging doesnt interfere with my family life or evenings. I message her as quickly and as easily as I message a male friend. Takes 5 seconds to read and send a message. It's just these occasional back and forth messages go on into the evening and up till bedtime. Again, the content of the messages are not suggestive or flirty. Just chit chat.

Yes I wonder if she fancies me. Why else would a woman be messaging me. No other women message me. Only her.

You're all correct though. It's not fair on my wife and needs to stop.