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Original poster

Messaging with woman from work

245 replies

Antonbris · 26/11/2021 20:18

I'm a married man in my mid 30s. We have 3 primary aged kids. She works part time and I work full time in an office. The office has a high turnover of staff but everyone seems to get on well with each other. Lots of temps. I get on well with a woman at work, same age. We are professional and work hard but we laugh and joke a lot too and we've become good work friends. We don't really spend time together during lunch. We have different groups there. Its a big busy office. She has a boyfriend of about 6 months.

About 4 months ago we became friends on Facebook and started chatting on messenger. Our conversations range from work, jobs we have to do, funny things that happen in the office, tiredness, stress, life in general, things we've done etc. The conservations are normally jokey in tone. Nothing inappropriate has been said by either of us. No flirting, no hints or suggestions. No attempts at making it anything more than chat. But the messaging is now happening every other evening or so. Sometimes it's quick back and forth and over. Sometimes it lasts up until bedtime. The other night we were messaging at half ten / eleven at night. I've said on a few occasions that we don't have to message as it's late or if it's annoying or whatever, but she never says it is and we just keep on messaging. To repeat, it's not sexualised or suggestive in any way.

My question is… is something going on? I wouldn't message a man friend like this but I've never had this style of messaging with a woman and don't know if she sees something in this? I'm not sure what her motivation is. Are we just normal friends or is something there?

I'm really confused and not sure what to do, what's going on, or if I need to stop.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Lifewith · 26/11/2021 23:57

Why do you keep asking the same question. Just ask her ffs and grow up

Crystalvas · 26/11/2021 23:58

@Antonbris

I agree. I wouldn't be happy and I feel like I'm keeping a secret from my wife. At the same time I don't want to upset a friend. I've suggested stopping but she ignores it and we just keep chatting. What's her motivation? Is she just being a friend or what?
OP you already know its not appropriate. If it was my OH chatting that much Id be concerned. As another poster said here just tell her you and DW are off to watch a movie or whatever, or just dont answer her for a while she’ll soon get the message.
spotcheck · 26/11/2021 23:58

OP
Lete guess.....she's young and attractive?

Would you put the energy into messaging 53 year old Louise from HR?

HairyFanjoBanjo · 26/11/2021 23:58

Naive, much, OP.. Hmm

All the ‘But, nothing is going on…!’. Purleaaase, you don’t really expect us to believe you aren’t enjoying the attention and fishing for everyone here to legitimise it all.

It wouldn’t surprise me if you’re writing this thread as a means to show your wife, as/when she clocks into the situation, so you can claim innocence.. But then I tend toward the suspicious..

Geppili · 26/11/2021 23:58

Block her.

Geppili · 27/11/2021 00:01

How young and attractive is she?

Pascal80 · 27/11/2021 00:02

You fancy her
You love the attention
You quite like the frisson every time you see a message from her
You quite like having this thing your wife isn't part of
You answer her messages BECAUSE YOU WANT TO.
she ain't fat and fifty amirite?
Why are you so disingenuous? You have messaged her for 4 months - nobody made you do it, you are not a leaf blowing in the wind, you are a man who is making a decision.

It stinks of weakness and vanity

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2021 00:03

I don't get why she's messaging unless we are just innocent friends or she sees something progressing.

Why do you keep asking this about her and not about yourself?

If you 'can't see' why she would message you other than wanting to progress beyond friendship... it means that you know full well that's your motivation too.

You're repeating this question because you want people to tell you she fancies you.

Otherwise why are you ignoring those of us pointing out you're asking us her motivations repeatedly, instead of sharing yours...

CockSpadget · 27/11/2021 00:06

@HairyFanjoBanjo

Naive, much, OP.. Hmm

All the ‘But, nothing is going on…!’. Purleaaase, you don’t really expect us to believe you aren’t enjoying the attention and fishing for everyone here to legitimise it all.

It wouldn’t surprise me if you’re writing this thread as a means to show your wife, as/when she clocks into the situation, so you can claim innocence.. But then I tend toward the suspicious..

Hmmmm, think you might be on to something there
Smoothsoul · 27/11/2021 00:06

My EXH done this at the start of the breakdown of our marriage.

When I found out about it I messaged the woman from work who goaded me by saying is he not allowed any woman friends? Yes he is but not secretive ones that I stumble upon by accident and see messages dating back for months. I saw my husband in a whole different way after that. all those times we had sat watching tv, playing with kids etc he occasionally was on his phone messaging her.

End it now. So what if you upset some woman from work who probably doesn’t even want to start anything, she’s enjoying teasing you and seeing how far this will go. She has nothing to loose. Your wife and kids are your priority you silly fool.

Original poster
Antonbris · 27/11/2021 00:10

She's early 30s so roughly my age. Yes she's attractive. No I probably wouldn't be messaging 53 year old Louise from HR. I'm not going to pretend otherwise. Yes I enjoy our conversations.

But as I said there's never been any hint of anything from either of us. But I clearly recognise its not right because I'm hiding it through omission as I know my wife would be pissed.

OP posts:
Geppili · 27/11/2021 00:12

So block her and move on.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2021 00:13

No I probably wouldn't be messaging 53 year old Louise from HR. I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

Right, so you're enjoying the attention from someone you find attractive aka not innocent friendship. So why do you keep asking why she's doing it? You know why YOU are doing it and despite having a penis, you're just as capable of controlling yourself and just as capable of prioritising your relationship as a woman is.

So stop asking why she's messaging you and start asking yourself why you've behaved in a shitty way for months and then been disingenuous about your motivations instead of just stopping.

Lifewith · 27/11/2021 00:13

Next you'll be saying your wife doesn't understand you.........

Smoothsoul · 27/11/2021 00:15

Delete all your messages block her and be curt in the office. End all of this now. You know she likes you and you like her so what are you asking or waiting to happen next? Validation to go shag her? Come on! You’re married with children and a wife who probably has a feeling something is up.

Pascal80 · 27/11/2021 00:19

I bet your wife knows something's up with you. Women aren't fucking stupid you know.

Lalliella · 27/11/2021 00:19

Does your wife not wonder what you’re doing on your phone all the time? Does she ask you? Do you lie to her?

Original poster
Antonbris · 27/11/2021 00:22

See that's where the confusion is for me. My marriage is good. I'm happy. I'm not bitching about my wife to her or saying my wife doesn't understand me. I'm not looking for anything. I have never made that kind of suggestion to her and I wouldn't. Likewise she hadn't to me. She doesn't moan about her bf. There's no shoulders to cry on or any space for an affair to happen. We don't hang out together outside work.

We've just been messaging on and off, more on now that off, for 4 months. But I recognise it is not right now.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 27/11/2021 00:23

Why are you asking what's her motivation? What's yours? Attention seeking, wanting to feel attractive and young?

Lifewith · 27/11/2021 00:25

This is boring.

OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg · 27/11/2021 00:25

And if you are genuinely going to stop it, do it without any of that angsty “my wife wouldn’t like it…” bullshit, which is yet again avoiding taking responsibility for your own actions, and giving it a hint of star-crossed lovers kept apart by the evil controlling wife. Just tell her you’ve realised you spend too much time messaging in the evenings and you’re scaling it all back to spend more time with your wife and children - and then do exactly that. Block her if you think you’re too weak to resist messaging her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2021 00:25

God if you're this repetitive and disingenuous hopefully she'll get bored quite soon and your problem will be solved OP!

Lifewith · 27/11/2021 00:26

Attention seeking boring.

whistleryukon · 27/11/2021 00:29

I message my male friends regularly and the idea of sleeping with them makes me feel sick. It's so weird that you think that the only reason that a woman and man would ever choose to communicate is as a means to have sex with one another.

Ieatmarmite · 27/11/2021 00:30

Seems to me you enjoy the ego stroking and little thrill that comes everytime you receive one of her messages. You are behaving like a young teenager who thinks that a girl in class fancies him. Rather pathetic really for a grown man. You have children who no doubt love you very much, who trust you and who look up to you. Do you want to betray them because you think with your penis instead of your brain? That is what will most likely happen if you carry on along the path you're on. You have a wife who trusts & loves you. You are already betraying her love & trust.

Show some strength of character and behave like the adult you are. You don't have to wait for this woman to stop messaging you, you can stop it now by ignoring her messages.