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Original poster

Messaging with woman from work

245 replies

Antonbris · 26/11/2021 20:18

I'm a married man in my mid 30s. We have 3 primary aged kids. She works part time and I work full time in an office. The office has a high turnover of staff but everyone seems to get on well with each other. Lots of temps. I get on well with a woman at work, same age. We are professional and work hard but we laugh and joke a lot too and we've become good work friends. We don't really spend time together during lunch. We have different groups there. Its a big busy office. She has a boyfriend of about 6 months.

About 4 months ago we became friends on Facebook and started chatting on messenger. Our conversations range from work, jobs we have to do, funny things that happen in the office, tiredness, stress, life in general, things we've done etc. The conservations are normally jokey in tone. Nothing inappropriate has been said by either of us. No flirting, no hints or suggestions. No attempts at making it anything more than chat. But the messaging is now happening every other evening or so. Sometimes it's quick back and forth and over. Sometimes it lasts up until bedtime. The other night we were messaging at half ten / eleven at night. I've said on a few occasions that we don't have to message as it's late or if it's annoying or whatever, but she never says it is and we just keep on messaging. To repeat, it's not sexualised or suggestive in any way.

My question is… is something going on? I wouldn't message a man friend like this but I've never had this style of messaging with a woman and don't know if she sees something in this? I'm not sure what her motivation is. Are we just normal friends or is something there?

I'm really confused and not sure what to do, what's going on, or if I need to stop.
Thanks.

OP posts:
GroovesintheHeart · 26/11/2021 22:28

@PinkWednesdays

This is such an odd thread. It’s as though you want us to tell you she fancies you, whether it be for an ego boost or because you want to start testing the waters with her…
Bingo.

If you really wanted it to stop you would just switch of messenger. It’s disrespectful to your wife and just a lie to suggest it has no impact on your time with your wife.

tarasmalatarocks · 26/11/2021 22:29

OP— let me say this to you- my H had a ‘thing’ like this many years ago with a young woman who worked for us — whilst he loved me and I do know that, it gave him a nice buzz, a bit of secretive excitement and I think that’s what’s happening here— it puts a spring in your step that someone else clearly has a bit of a ‘thing’ for you— can I just say I found out quite a while after this happened as he stupidly wrote about it and I found the stuff he wrote— I have remained married but can never feel 100% the same— by all means play with fire— don’t be surprised if it all goes very wrong . You know full well your wife would be very upset and think less of you and this woman clearly doesn’t give a shit about another woman’s possible upset— no doubt she thinks why can’t you be friends ?? You can , but only if fully open with your wife and make it clear that out of work stuff isn’t ok for you . Sorry- but few wives would be ok with this

Duckrace · 26/11/2021 22:30

Ask your wife, who I assume is the first "she" in your opening post.

WTF475878237NC · 26/11/2021 22:34

It's not rocket science OP.

Your poor wife. I'd be upset if I was married to you.

Iwonder08 · 26/11/2021 22:37

Messaging a work colleague outside of working hours on a regular basis is not appropriate. You absolutely can stop it. Your friend knows very well what she is doing so I wouldnt worry about upsetting her

crossstitchcat · 26/11/2021 22:43

@PinkWednesdays

This is such an odd thread. It’s as though you want us to tell you she fancies you, whether it be for an ego boost or because you want to start testing the waters with her…
I thought this.
Didimum · 26/11/2021 22:44

You’re worried about hurting your friend’s feelings? Despite knowing your wife would be heartbroken by this? Your wife comes first EVERY. TIME. Your wife’s feelings trump the feelings of some random coworker. Be a better human and stop investing inappropriately in another woman.

Collection33 · 26/11/2021 22:45

What @Name99 said.

Lifewith · 26/11/2021 23:02

Men and their bloody egos.
You're a grown man ffs

CockSpadget · 26/11/2021 23:05

So, basically, you fancy her, and are hoping you will get confirmation on here that she fancies you too. If you weren't getting a buzz from the chats you would have stopped by now.
You're walking a very fine line, and you know it.

Lifewith · 26/11/2021 23:07

These threads annoy me. Men acting like children. Oh I can't help the young woman messaging me, help me mumsnet what am I to do??

Shoemadlady · 26/11/2021 23:18

How would your wife feel if she knew this level of contact was going on?
Appreciate you don't want to upset a friend / work colleague but who are you putting first here? Who do you think you should be putting first?
I hope your answer would be that you should be putting your wife first as I know if my husband was doing what you were doing and he was worried about upsetting the work colleague over my feelings, he'd be shown the door the very quickly.
Be very careful, she may be reading more into the level of contact but I'd keep it professional and quit the after work nattering.

PinkMochi · 26/11/2021 23:22

My OH has female friends and it doesn’t bother me. However, it’s concerning that your DW doesn’t know who this woman is and you text her more than you would other friends! Like PP have said, she is taking up a lot of your thoughts and emotional energy.

MsDogLady · 26/11/2021 23:32

You are attracted to this woman you see everyday at work and then secretly chat with every other evening, back/forth until bedtime. Who does your Wife think you are messaging? I bet she wonders who you are smiling about when staring at your phone.

Come on, Anton. You are choosing to cross your Wife’s boundaries to prioritize the ego validation you receive from OW. The interaction does not have to be flirty to be inappropriate. The secrecy and your over-frequent investment of energy and attention suggest that an emotional connection and reliance have developed. So do your weak-boundaried ‘suggestions’ about curtailing the chats without ever taking action. You have agency over your choices.

You are absolutely in emotional affair territory. You are playing with fire and treating your Wife with callous disregard. If I ever discovered that my H was disrespecting me like this, I would reconsider our relationship.

Original poster
Antonbris · 26/11/2021 23:41

Everything being said is fairly accurate.

But we have been chatting like this for about 4 months. I'm assuming she must fancy me to sustain this level of communication outside work but she's never once hinted at anything or tried to move it in that direction. Why else would a woman want to message a man? Maybe we are just friends and I'm overthinking.

I will step away from it because its become a secret of omission even though nothing is going on.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/11/2021 23:43

Yes I wonder if she fancies me. Why else would a woman be messaging me. No other women message me. Only her.

I wonder if you fancy her. Why else would you be messaging her. You don't message other women like this. Only her.

See how it's more important to examine your own behaviour rather than delegating responsibility for your behaviour to this woman?

You're a grown up. Make better decisions.

Lifewith · 26/11/2021 23:45

If nothing is going on, why are you posting on a forum about it then?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/11/2021 23:46

I'm assuming she must fancy me to sustain this level of communication outside work but she's never once hinted at anything or tried to move it in that direction. Why else would a woman want to message a man? Maybe we are just friends and I'm overthinking.

Again... why are you saying this as if it's one sided? Turn the statement above around and make it about you:

I'm assuming you must fancy her to sustain this level of communication outside work but she's never once hinted at anything or tried to move it in that direction. Why else would you want to message a woman like this when you have a wife, wouldn't be happy with your wife doing this and have an uncomfortable feeling about it?

billy1966 · 26/11/2021 23:46

@Name99

Why not ask your wife what she thinks, Hand your phone to her and let her read the messages. Not keen on that idea? Well you know its wrong then don't you
This.

An odd text is one thing, but half the evening?

Why aren't you engaging with your wife and children?

You are playing with fire and i think you know it.

You will get burned.

Lifewith · 26/11/2021 23:48

I think posting on a forum about it is for an ego boost as well.

Lifewith · 26/11/2021 23:49

Like you're bragging but have no one to brag to

Pascal80 · 26/11/2021 23:49

Op -Don't you have better things to do after work then exchange messages with this woman? Really? Your poor wife and kids - You are there in body but your attention is not really there is it?

Anordinarymum · 26/11/2021 23:50

@Antonbris

Everything being said is fairly accurate.

But we have been chatting like this for about 4 months. I'm assuming she must fancy me to sustain this level of communication outside work but she's never once hinted at anything or tried to move it in that direction. Why else would a woman want to message a man? Maybe we are just friends and I'm overthinking.

I will step away from it because its become a secret of omission even though nothing is going on.

Something is going on every time you message her.
Pascal80 · 26/11/2021 23:53

@Antonbris

I'm asking this forum because I want honest opinions on what's going on. I feel confused as to why she's open to messaging. Are we both being too polite to say stop or is she trying to pursue something. As I said there's been no inappropriate content to I conversations, yet I know if I told my wife she'd hit the roof. I've never been in this scenario before and not sure what the best course of action is.
Of-course ''she is trying to pursue something''- she is trying to build intimacy with you via these messages. I'm not a jealous person by nature at all, but if my husband was doing what you're doing, I would feel something is really wrong.
Original poster
Antonbris · 26/11/2021 23:55

To be honest our messaging isn't distracting. As I said it takes 5 seconds to read and reply. I speak to loads of other people on WhatsApp and messenger too. Family and other friends. But added into that is this woman from work and we just chit chat. I'm not missing out on family time or anything like that.

I don't get why she's messaging unless we are just innocent friends or she sees something progressing.

OP posts: