Messaging with woman from work

[Antonbris]

I'm a married man in my mid 30s. We have 3 primary aged kids. She works part time and I work full time in an office. The office has a high turnover of staff but everyone seems to get on well with each other. Lots of temps. I get on well with a woman at work, same age. We are professional and work hard but we laugh and joke a lot too and we've become good work friends. We don't really spend time together during lunch. We have different groups there. Its a big busy office. She has a boyfriend of about 6 months.

About 4 months ago we became friends on Facebook and started chatting on messenger. Our conversations range from work, jobs we have to do, funny things that happen in the office, tiredness, stress, life in general, things we've done etc. The conservations are normally jokey in tone. Nothing inappropriate has been said by either of us. No flirting, no hints or suggestions. No attempts at making it anything more than chat. But the messaging is now happening every other evening or so. Sometimes it's quick back and forth and over. Sometimes it lasts up until bedtime. The other night we were messaging at half ten / eleven at night. I've said on a few occasions that we don't have to message as it's late or if it's annoying or whatever, but she never says it is and we just keep on messaging. To repeat, it's not sexualised or suggestive in any way.

My question is… is something going on? I wouldn't message a man friend like this but I've never had this style of messaging with a woman and don't know if she sees something in this? I'm not sure what her motivation is. Are we just normal friends or is something there?

I'm really confused and not sure what to do, what's going on, or if I need to stop.
Thanks.

You're a horrible disloyal husband .

Hand your phone to your wife and let her help you figure what is going on .

You're an opportunist , looking to an online forum to justify your poor behaviour.

It doesn't make any difference if your marriage is good , an opportunist will always put their selfish needs ahead their marriage .

What do you stand to gain from maintaining this friendship, and what do you stand to lose? Weigh it up. Her motivation is irrelevant, it’s your actions that are the problem, she isn’t the married one.

Honestly she will have noticed already, your look, facial expressions, taking your phone in another room, being guarded with it.

Your body language will be all there, maybe if you kick it in the head you may notice she's been doing exactly the same as you all evening.

You took your eye off the ball, she's been getting close to another man.

Plus she's already had a key logger on your device and knows you're on mumsnet She's reading this now.

Really though what are you wanting confirmation that another woman fancies you for, do you want the red light so you don't show yourself up when you cross the line. She fancies you, big deal, it's not rocket is it.

You don't want to stop you just have mentionitis, thinking about her a lot?

You are a fool.
You will get caught.
You are not clever enough.

@Somebodylikeyew

Never mind her motivation. What’s yours?

Exactly what I was thinking. @Antonbris her motivation is not relevant. What you do next is relevant. You have a choice - you set boundaries now (not responding after 7pm for example) or you don’t. If you’re not inclined to take a definite line what is your motivation? I think you really need to question your own behaviour and quickly because I think you know full well you’re at a bit of a crossroads.

My marriage was good. We were still sleeping together etc. He re wrote history when it suited him and other woman. It absolutely devastated me just for his bloody ego when I found out. Your wife will absolutely know something is going on. Stop being so immature and work on your marriage.

Lol man comes to mumsnet to see if an affair is on the cards. Couldn't give a fuck about his wife, just wants to know if he's in with a chance. Must be really annoying that all the replies are asking about his wife 😂 The men on here get bolder by the day ffs

You come across as a really nasty person.

You know full well that this is inappropriate. You don’t care
You don’t care about how it will make your wife or children feel. You don’t care about the feelings of your work colleague.

Decent people prioritise their marriages and don’t engage in secret frequent conversations with work colleagues. Decent people, who think someone is attracted to them but don’t fancy them back put them brakes on and kindly let that other person know that they are not interested to avoid causing distress.
Wake up and stop being a dickhead.
This is incredibly upsetting to read, you over and over justifying something that is wrong.

You are not marriage material.

Poor husband.
Poor father.

They are the answers you require.

You need to stop this now before you cross a line. This has the potential to develop into an affair and if it does it will be really damaging to your children and your relationship with them in addition to the obvious heartbreak it will cause your poor wife. You need to focus on your relationship with your wife.

Our conversations range from work, jobs we have to do, funny things that happen in the office, tiredness, stress, life in general, things we’ve done etc. The conversations are normally jokey in tone.

And therein lies the danger. Your sharing runs the gamut of life. You are bonding with this woman you fancy. You’ve become close to her with your sharing and your in-jokes. You get a buzz from her at work and at home. She is so important to you that you are hiding her.

I feel empathy for your Wife. You are being disloyal right in front of her, and she likely already feels unsettled. You feel entitled to make a fool of her, but would hate her doing it to you.

It is disingenuous to say ‘there’s no room for an affair’ when you are on the slippery slope of infidelity right there in your living room. Things are escalating with the ‘more on than off,’ extended chats until 11:00. As you well know, cheating colleagues can always find time for illicit chats and 1:1 meet-ups.

You’ve been damaging your relationship with your Wife for months. Now you’re waiting to determine if WorkWoman reciprocates your feelings before proceeding with destroying your marriage and family.

How would you feel if you found out your wife was doing the same with a male colleague??
I think you’re walking a very thin line and I suspect your wife would be hurt by the messaging. Keep it to work and no contact during out of hours. x

Just don’t answer. If she says anything say you were spending time with your wife. Not difficult
.

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

Just don’t answer. If she says anything say you were spending time with your wife. Not difficult .

Yes this. If you truly want to knock this on it’s head the best way to do it is to show the other woman she isn’t important to you. Just stop replying. She’ll get the message eventually.

Why should any of us give one if she fancies you or not. Read the room: we are siding with your wife.

If all you want to know is does she fancy you, then my monies on NO SHE DOESN'T.
If she did you'd be picking up flirty signals. She'd also not ignore you for better options at lunch.
Her motivation? She has some dead time in her evenings and you're Johnny on the spot for her.
At best she, naively, sees you as a 'safe' male friend who isn't going to sleaze after her because you're married.
At worst she knows you are sleazing after her, but enjoys the attention.

@5128gap

I agree with this. She's not trying to make anything happen, online or in the office, and neither am I.

That's why I'm asking about her motivation. Women don't tend to message me, especially not in an ongoing way like this. If she wanted more surely she would have said something by now.

Maybe she is just being friendly and I'm overthinking.

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

Just stop replying at late hours. Have a cut off time and a reasonable start time. Say between 9.30pm and 7am is out of bounds. Only reply during those times.

Id be annoyed as your wife if i was being ignored, or you were showing a lack of interest in me while you messaged another woman.

I'd suggest the cut-off point should be the time you get home. That would be around 6pm, would it not? Let her continue messaging all she likes, but do not reply.

Doubtless she will ask next day why you stopped responding the moment you got home, the reply is, "evenings are family time, time reserved to spend with my wife."

Have you never told this colleague that you are happily married and intend to remain so?

If not, and you intend to ccontinue the friendship, it's time for you to start mentioning your wife now and again and how committed and devoted you are, and how there will never be another woman for you.

@PinkWednesdays

This is such an odd thread. It’s as though you want us to tell you she fancies you, whether it be for an ego boost or because you want to start testing the waters with her…

Exactly what I thought. It's like the op wants validation she 'fancies' him before he starts flirting with her. He knows it wrong and will only end in tears.

[quote Antonbris]@5128gap

I agree with this. She's not trying to make anything happen, online or in the office, and neither am I.

That's why I'm asking about her motivation. Women don't tend to message me, especially not in an ongoing way like this. If she wanted more surely she would have said something by now.

Maybe she is just being friendly and I'm overthinking.[/quote]
I'm imagining a woman who for whatever reason has time on her hands in the evening. Maybe her BF and friends are busy and there's nothing on the tv. She wants a chat and knows you will always reply to her. Its the same as being on here, just killing time. If she had a motivation she would be turning the conversation to indicate that, and looking for opportunities to spend time with you at work.

Stop being so polite and just ignore or don't open the messages. If she asks why just say you were busy with family stuff. It's really not that difficult.

I couldn't say what her motivation is. Only she knows. She could just be bored and lonely or there might be more to it. She could be messaging multiple people or maybe her sights are firmly set on only you. That's not what's important here though, your response is.

Have a few nights off your phone and she'll soon get the hint and back off. If she becomes annoyed or defensive then that should ring alarm bells in itself.

And I don't think you're overthinking either, you're right to be thinking. Just not about whether she fancies you. You should be thinking about whether this is a good idea for your marriage. You will now trot off having been reassured she doesn't fancy you, and carry on with your conscience clear. But mate, a quick look on here will show you that women leave their partners over this sort of thing.

I don't think she's killing so much time with you every evening just to friendly but she's not so brazen to flirt without some indication from you.
This kind of behaviour breaks marriages apart, your poor wife may already be having some secret anxiety over this, there are plenty of threads on here about wife discovering messages from the woman he works with and not many have a good a conclusion to say about it.

How on Earth do you get anything done?!
Yes, it’s too much and needs to stop.

This is either a troll or the most pathetic disloyal loser I have ever come across.
Your wife and kids deserve better, you are desperate to have an affair.
I’m cringing for your poor wife and kids, they’ll find out and despise you soon enough though.
As will the rest of the office.

I may be giving him too much credit here, but I don't think the OP wants to hear that she fancies him at all. He was quick to agree when I said I thought she didn't. So I think its the opposite. He wants to create a narrative of innocence so he can carry on with something he knows full well is wrong. He's checked with MN, and she doesn't fancy him. Therefore its all good and he can crack on.