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Original poster

Messaging with woman from work

245 replies

Antonbris · 26/11/2021 20:18

I'm a married man in my mid 30s. We have 3 primary aged kids. She works part time and I work full time in an office. The office has a high turnover of staff but everyone seems to get on well with each other. Lots of temps. I get on well with a woman at work, same age. We are professional and work hard but we laugh and joke a lot too and we've become good work friends. We don't really spend time together during lunch. We have different groups there. Its a big busy office. She has a boyfriend of about 6 months.

About 4 months ago we became friends on Facebook and started chatting on messenger. Our conversations range from work, jobs we have to do, funny things that happen in the office, tiredness, stress, life in general, things we've done etc. The conservations are normally jokey in tone. Nothing inappropriate has been said by either of us. No flirting, no hints or suggestions. No attempts at making it anything more than chat. But the messaging is now happening every other evening or so. Sometimes it's quick back and forth and over. Sometimes it lasts up until bedtime. The other night we were messaging at half ten / eleven at night. I've said on a few occasions that we don't have to message as it's late or if it's annoying or whatever, but she never says it is and we just keep on messaging. To repeat, it's not sexualised or suggestive in any way.

My question is… is something going on? I wouldn't message a man friend like this but I've never had this style of messaging with a woman and don't know if she sees something in this? I'm not sure what her motivation is. Are we just normal friends or is something there?

I'm really confused and not sure what to do, what's going on, or if I need to stop.
Thanks.

OP posts:

Atmywitsend29 · 28/11/2021 23:50

@Antonbris

Yes, if I was single I would ask her out. I'm not though, so I haven't and I won't. From my point of view I'm just talking to her and having a laugh. But I accept it doesn't come across like that and is borderline affair territory so I will stop the messages.

Your poor fucking wife.

SukiPook · 28/11/2021 23:52

Rather than just stop the contact bluntly like that might be worth just reducing it massively and letting it dwindle away (e.g. wait ages - hours or overnight -before replying, short but friendly replies, not asking any more questions yourself, not replying after a certain time), for the sake of avoiding any awkwardness in work or introducing an element which might make the woman think that you fancy her or are annoyed with her or something. I only say this because I had a situation a few years back where a guy began messaging me a lot, I'd bumped into him on a night out and had known him briefly years back and we'd fancied each other (back then years ago). We messaged back and forth for a while on Messenger after chatting again on that night out (a good 15 years after I'd known him before), and there was nothing "untoward" in our messages, similarly to what you describe - but after a few days of this I thought "This is dangerous territory" - I was married and not getting on with my husband, I wouldn't have told him I was messaging this guy, so after a few days I thought nope, this is dodgy even though it's just chit-chat - I knew it was wrong (same way you know this is wrong as you wouldn't be telling your wife about it) - so I just stopped replying so quickly, and just gave shorter but still friendly answers, stopped asking questions, didn't initiate any conversation myself, left more time between messages and successfully got it to dwindle away to no contact again. It's possible that YOU are thinking that this woman is attractive and that she is NOT thinking about that aspect of things, in which case this approach of diminishing your attention and replies would still not flag up anything to her. Making comments like "Oh we're just about to watch a movie here, bye for now" or otherwise referencing your wife would be good too. Just a suggestion. You could just cut it altogether if you think that's best. Agree with everyone else that it doesn't really matter what HER motivations are, it's your own self that you have to monitor and you know it's not good, well done on nipping it in the bud... my suggestions are just to taper it slightly gradually, but as I said, it's just a suggestion. In my case, if I'd suddenly withdrawn or said "We shouldn't be messaging each other" or "we need to stop this" then it really would have been suggesting to the other person "I really fancy you" - so to me it's much safer and less awkward to just lessen the attention to the other person, which if it makes them think anything would make them think that you don't fancy them and aren't thinking of them that much - a win for your marriage.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 28/11/2021 23:53

Yeah, I'm guessing you don't want to cut her off because you want to keep her on the back burner for later in case you need to replace your wife. She's a spare.

CheekyHobson · 29/11/2021 00:08

By see how she reacts I mean see if she cools off and backs away if I stop replying. I still have to work with this person everyday so blocking seems a bit extreme.

What she does isn't relevant. It's what you do. And the grown-up, appropriate response that you're looking for here is to

Assess the situation and whether it's appropriate, which you have done
Communicate about this honestly and simply to the people involved.

To your wife: "Hey honey, I want to talk to you about something. A few months ago I become friends with a woman at work, and we've been chatting back and forth on Messenger. Over time, I've started to feel it's a bit much. We've never been flirty or said anything inappropriate but the level of conversation alone makes me feel like it's in danger of crossing the line between a casual work friendship, and a friendship that is closer than I'm comfortable with, being married to you and all. So I just want to be upfront about this with you and let you know that I've recognised this and will be reducing my conversation with her. I know I could just not tell you this but it's important to me to be honest with you as you are my priority. I've said this directly to her too."

To the colleague: "Hi Maria, weekend was good. Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something. I really enjoy your company but I've been feeling lately that the frequency of our conversations is probably a bit higher than my wife would feel comfortable with. That makes me not comfortable with it either as I love my wife and would hate to do anything to hurt her, even inadvertently. So if you're hearing less from me, it's nothing you've said or done wrong, I'm just being conscious about keeping good work/life boundaries. Hope you understand!"

SukiPook · 29/11/2021 00:13

@CheekyHobson that's a great response, open and transparent to all, very well worded. OP I do prefer Cheeky Hobson's approach in this case as it's a real "honesty is the best policy" approach.

NotMyCat · 29/11/2021 00:16

I haven't read the whole thread but secrecy is the issue
I message a guy online who I've never met and we have chatted for nearly 7 years now about anything and everything. However I'm also FB friends with his girlfriend and he tells her about my messages or says "ah send that pic to X/she says hi/X wants to know if you tried that chocolate"
So I don't feel uncomfortable doing it at all as it's all open

SarahDippity · 29/11/2021 00:43

@Antonbris

But she’s not single either.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 29/11/2021 00:47

@Antonbris

I agree. I wouldn't be happy and I feel like I'm keeping a secret from my wife. At the same time I don't want to upset a friend. I've suggested stopping but she ignores it and we just keep chatting. What's her motivation? Is she just being a friend or what?

It's not just her who continues tho it's you too. If you think you should.stop chatting, stop feeding her. She comes back because she gets somerh ih ng from it. You keep chatting because you get something from it. If its innocent, show your wife Or just out the energy you give to this woman into your relationship and family life.

daisychain01 · 29/11/2021 03:35

The fact you need it all spelt out to you OP, suggests you're either hard of understanding and need to be treated like an infant (even though you have children of your own), or you're deliberately being hard of understanding, or you have zero moral compass and need counselling to help you gain one.

Lampzade · 29/11/2021 07:04

@CheekyHobson

By see how she reacts I mean see if she cools off and backs away if I stop replying. I still have to work with this person everyday so blocking seems a bit extreme.

What she does isn't relevant. It's what you do. And the grown-up, appropriate response that you're looking for here is to

Assess the situation and whether it's appropriate, which you have done
Communicate about this honestly and simply to the people involved.

This

MsDogLady · 29/11/2021 07:08

From your last post: From my point of view I’m just talking to her and having a laugh.

You’re still minimizing. Those laughs were significant enough to betray your Wife for.

You didn’t reply to Work Woman and are waiting to hear her reaction. I suspect she will soon pursue a conversation/explanation, as an inappropriate reliance and validation dynamic has developed between you. It has become a Thing.

You assume that she fancies you because of the level of contact. She likely assumes you fancy her because of the level of contact. After all, you are a married man and father of 3, yet you’ve been enjoying her attention, and reciprocating, until late hours every other evening, as well as at work.

I’d say you’ve been crushing on each other and lapping up the boosts, but you’ve been fooling yourself that you’ve kept it ‘safe.’ In reality, it is dangerous wayward behavior that you have elevated above your Wife for 4+ months. I say + because your dynamic at work set the stage for the constant messaging.

How will you handle it if this rattles Work Woman and she pushes against your newfound boundaries? For the sake of your family, I hope you will stay distanced.

easterdaffsx · 29/11/2021 08:01

I think you've made the right choice .
Be respectful to your wife and stop this it's already gone too far amd you know what you have to do .
It will be hard and you'll perhaps lose a friend but that's the risk you e taken .

Signalstation · 29/11/2021 09:21

A perfect question from MsDogLady about whether the OP referred to his wife by name when communicating with this person. That's the key factor which separates a 'normal' friendly/colleague relationship from one that's an emotional one - or has the potential to become an emotional affair.

With an ongoing friendly relationship with a new person it is inevitable that you'll reference your other half and it's just not normal to keep referring to 'my wife' or 'my husband' during conversation. The only way this happens is if the person wants to compartmentalise 'wife' to assuage their guilt.

5128gap · 29/11/2021 12:28

If you're genuine about nipping this in the bud OP, you need to be aware that you're about to enter a new danger zone. How she reacts will very likely be to ask if you're ok, if she's upset you etc. This has a high potential to end in a conversation where you end up telling her you find her attractive.
'I don't think its appropriate to keep messaging'
'Why not, we're only friends. Its not like you fancy me or anything...?'
'Well....'
Once you've said it, the lines crossed. So my advice is get your response prepared. And try to avoid 'my wife wouldn't like it' as this just opens up a collusion about how insecure and jealous she is, which is very unfair. I'd go along the lines of your evenings are busy with your family and its your choice to stop.

Hollywolly1 · 29/11/2021 12:40

If she asks are you okay maybe just say you are giving social media a break for a while as its taking up to much time ,it really is unfair to keep your wife in the dark though as she can't make her choices if she doesn't know what is happening and it shows little respect for her

Bookworm20 · 29/11/2021 17:39

You started this thread saying how confused you were, just friends, nothing in it blah blah.

Subsequent posts have added a little more details and we have now arrived at:
You find her attractive
You look forward to the messaging
You are getting an ego boost
You would ask her out if you were single.

Either you are genuinely really stupid, or you are wanting us all to say, yes she fancies the pants off you, go for it.

You know its wrong. Its emotional affair wrong.
You are being a disrespectful pig to your wife. And to your kids.

Just stop replying to her. Its not that fucking hard.
Unless of course you don't want to.
Oh no wait, it'll be the 'don't want to upset her'

Whatinthelord · 29/11/2021 19:27

Oh come of it.
“I’ve suggested stopping” ….so you know it’s not quite right?
Why are putting the responsibility on her? Your actions are your responsibility….it’s YOUR wife who’ll be upset or betrayed.

If your communication was 100% innocent your wife would know about it and you wouldn’t need to ask strangers in a forum.

Lampzade · 29/11/2021 19:30

I almost hope that your wife is messaging some gorgeous man,

AgathaX · 29/11/2021 19:40

I feel like if she was after something along those lines she would have made some kind of hint by now. I will not reply and she how she reacts

Bloody hell. You might have taken on board that you need to stop messaging her. You really haven't understood why though have you? You're still curious about her. You're like a teenager mooning on someone you fancy.

You need to do some work on your boundaries. and you probably need to do some work on your relationship with your wife too, if this woman at work is getting you into such a dither.

Idiot!

PippaRose · 30/11/2021 10:25

Hi OP

Not sure if you have stopped reading or not but wanted to point out how easily these kinds of things can escalate.

Have seen so many people who would have said they would never be unfaithful start on a path that’s very hard to move away from once things like regular messaging starts.

You’ve been honest enough to admit you would have asked her out if you were both single so you do know there is more to this than friendship. I don’t think you’d bother with the messaging if there wasn’t some kind of attraction.

Not sure if you have Christmas parties etc coming up but the messaging plus potential work drinks aren’t a good mix.

Nothing that could happen with this woman is worth messing up your marriage and family life for.

Hope you manage to get it sorted.

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