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Original poster

Messaging with woman from work

245 replies

Antonbris · 26/11/2021 20:18

I'm a married man in my mid 30s. We have 3 primary aged kids. She works part time and I work full time in an office. The office has a high turnover of staff but everyone seems to get on well with each other. Lots of temps. I get on well with a woman at work, same age. We are professional and work hard but we laugh and joke a lot too and we've become good work friends. We don't really spend time together during lunch. We have different groups there. Its a big busy office. She has a boyfriend of about 6 months.

About 4 months ago we became friends on Facebook and started chatting on messenger. Our conversations range from work, jobs we have to do, funny things that happen in the office, tiredness, stress, life in general, things we've done etc. The conservations are normally jokey in tone. Nothing inappropriate has been said by either of us. No flirting, no hints or suggestions. No attempts at making it anything more than chat. But the messaging is now happening every other evening or so. Sometimes it's quick back and forth and over. Sometimes it lasts up until bedtime. The other night we were messaging at half ten / eleven at night. I've said on a few occasions that we don't have to message as it's late or if it's annoying or whatever, but she never says it is and we just keep on messaging. To repeat, it's not sexualised or suggestive in any way.

My question is… is something going on? I wouldn't message a man friend like this but I've never had this style of messaging with a woman and don't know if she sees something in this? I'm not sure what her motivation is. Are we just normal friends or is something there?

I'm really confused and not sure what to do, what's going on, or if I need to stop.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Starseeking · 26/11/2021 21:33

Stop telling yourself this rubbish "I've suggested stopping messaging"...are you not in control of your own phone, in control of your own fingers?!?

You wouldn't like it if your wife was doing the same with a man from work, so don't pretend it's fine for you too because there's nothing flirty going on. You are investing emotional energy consistently and on a prolonged basis outside your marriage, and that's really not ok.

Just stop messaging the work lady and she'll soon get the hint; nobody would carry on a one-sided conversation, you need to end this before it spirals.

Buildingthefuture · 26/11/2021 21:35

Would you be happy with your wife doing this with some bloke from work? In your heart of hearts, you know you wouldn’t!! And you’ve posted on here, basically to ask if we think she fancies you??? Give it a rest….you are walking on thin ice here as you well know. Be the man your wife and kids think you are - pack it in!!!

rampitup · 26/11/2021 21:36

@Antonbris

Our messaging doesnt interfere with my family life or evenings. I message her as quickly and as easily as I message a male friend. Takes 5 seconds to read and send a message. It's just these occasional back and forth messages go on into the evening and up till bedtime. Again, the content of the messages are not suggestive or flirty. Just chit chat.

Yes I wonder if she fancies me. Why else would a woman be messaging me. No other women message me. Only her.

You're all correct though. It's not fair on my wife and needs to stop.

You may think it's not interfering with your family life, and it probably doesn't take up much time, but it's taking emotional attention - hope that makes sense.

To be honest, I would only maintain that sort of messaging with a man for two reasons: if he made me laugh a lot, or if I fancied him. You'll know whether you're funny; if you're not funny, then she does fancy you. If you love your wife, don't encourage this woman any more Good luck!

GrumpyTerrier · 26/11/2021 21:37

Blimey, I have two or three male friends and we message anything from daily to weekly. Never thought of it any different to the female friends I message. My husband doesnt either.

That doesn't mean this isnt anything else. But don't assume it is, either.

LolaSmiles · 26/11/2021 21:37

The fact you're asking about her motivations, you wouldn't be happy if your wife did the same, and you're posting here means you probably know that you're crossing a line.

You seem to be painting yourself as the helpless man who can't say no when a woman sends him a message. You're not a passive victim. Either keep the friendship the sort of friendship you'd happily inform your wife about, or cool things off. It's time for some big boy pants.

KaycePollard · 26/11/2021 21:39

You are investing emotional energy consistently and on a prolonged basis outside your marriage, and that's really not ok.

This. I’m afraid you’re kidding yourself that it isn’t interfering with family life.

Time isn’t the issue - it’s the emotional energy.

PinkWednesdays · 26/11/2021 21:40

This is such an odd thread. It’s as though you want us to tell you she fancies you, whether it be for an ego boost or because you want to start testing the waters with her…

rampitup · 26/11/2021 21:44

It's possible that this woman is just ultra-polite I guess ?!

vixeyann · 26/11/2021 21:45

Her motivation is not important, so you should really be questioning yours and why you keep messaging her back. Do you want her to like you? It's probably a bit of a thrill. You could easily be busy and leave those messages on unread but you don't. I think you need to say that your wife wouldn't be cool with it and put it to bed there and then.

HaggisBurger · 26/11/2021 21:45

You are both getting some kind of validation out of it. Your description of saying “oh we don’t need to message if it’s annoying” definitely suggests that along with suggesting stopping. You are on the edge of emotional affair territory and you know it.

joysmoy66 · 26/11/2021 21:46

You know your wife wouldn't like it but you are choosing to continue messaging. Who means more to you-this woman or your wife? If it's your wife stop the messaging. If it's the other woman split from your wife and see what happens. I might seem a little blunt but I've been the wife in a similar situation and it's heartbreaking.

anon51 · 26/11/2021 21:47

This WILL turn into something more if you allow it to continue. Please think very carefully about how you proceed with this woman.

CambsAlways · 26/11/2021 21:47

I feel for your wife, must be awful living with a man that’s having conversations regularly after work for hours with a work colleague, I wonder why you can’t end the conversation yourself!

Bagelsandbrie · 26/11/2021 21:47

@PinkWednesdays

This is such an odd thread. It’s as though you want us to tell you she fancies you, whether it be for an ego boost or because you want to start testing the waters with her…
Yep this.
rampitup · 26/11/2021 21:48

I know. Put the three of you in a group chat.

samesign · 26/11/2021 21:48

Do you fancy her? If she was unattractive (I'm assuming you don't think so) or a man from work would it make any difference?
It does seem OTT and that you are both enjoying the attention, if your wife isn't aware then she soon start noticing, direct your attention back in your wife.

Lana07 · 26/11/2021 21:50

I would tell her I switch my phone off and put it on charge by 21:00 and use my laptop then.

I would also tell her directly you can be busy with your wife and children in the evening and not answer all her messages straight away.

Lana07 · 26/11/2021 21:50

If my husband was doing this for hours nearly every day I would ask him how he would feel if I did it too.

mylovelydd · 26/11/2021 22:05

You're obviously loving the attention OP and you seem desperate for her to fancy you.

If you love your wife you will knock this on the head immediately.
YOU end it. This other woman isn't in charge of you.

RiverSkater · 26/11/2021 22:06

Never mind her motivation, what's yours??

Attention no doubt.

Just stop it. Tell her you don't have time to chat and mean it.

gannett · 26/11/2021 22:08

I'm not sure why her motivation matters or how we are supposed to divine it? What matters is how you feel about her. Do you fancy her on any level, to be blunt. Do you hope she fancies you.

And would you be comfortable mentioning the messages casually to your wife? I have friends of both sexes who I sometimes message late in the evening (if we both happen to be online and free), as does DP, and I wouldn't have a problem mentioning them. Keeping her a secret is less good.

Every other evening sounds a lot to me but I'm not a huge messager.

frozendaisy · 26/11/2021 22:10

FFS grow up.

A married father of 3, mid-30s, messaging a co-worker like a teenager.

5128gap · 26/11/2021 22:11

Whats going on is that's she's messaging you to pass the time when her BFs not around. You're messaging her when you should be engaging with your wife. I'm willing to bet her BF is a bit of an issue to her. Not around enough, not as committed as she would like, and you're there as a comfort blanket (She knows you're attracted to her) when he's not. She'll probably start moaning about him to you soon, so you can say all the right things and then it will cross the line. Do yourself a favour and stop the messaging before you hurt your wife.

MrMrsJones · 26/11/2021 22:12

Why don't you ask your wife what she thinks about you messaging this women from work

What is your motivation

Is she stroking your ego, because you think she fancies you and it gives you a little boost.

Put the same energy into your marriage before you cross a line and it blows up in your face

Tay17 · 26/11/2021 22:12

I would agree with previous posters what unless you are willing to be totally transparent with your wife about the messaging then my opinion would also be that it should stop.

My husband had a similar situation at work a few years ago & it was almost the end of our marriage for me.
It may be totally innocent on your part (and maybe also hers though I would have my reservations about that) but the secrecy is definitely not a good thing & I would imagine could be upsetting to your wife if she found about at a later time.

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