Constructive help understanding this please

[Franklyfrost]

I’d really like some advice, perspective and practical suggestions. It’s me, my dp, my 4 dc, 11, 9, 5 and 3. Dc 11 and dc 9 are exdh’s, dc 5 and 3 are dp’s.

Back story:
Dc 11 is lovely and can be very endearing and interesting. He is also pubescent, plus has SEN, so there’s no denying he often is hard work to be around. Dp and Ds 11 don’t have a good relationship- a vicious circle of them being rude to each other, I wish my dp would stop and treat ds 11 more like a child who needs love rather than an irritation. If dp made the effort to not engage in conflict and tried to develop a connection I’m sure ds 11’s behaviour toward him would improve. Dp knows this but just wants to be obeyed by ds 11.

Every 4 months or so my partner has grabbed or shoved ds. I’ve told him it’s unacceptable. He says he won’t do it again. As ds 11 is getting older- he’s very tall for an 11 year old, wears age 14 clothes- it’s become more shocking and the last time dp grabbed him, which was this summer, I really explained at length how it was not okay for my dp to grab or shove or drag ds 11 or dc 9 (he’s done it a few times but less with dc 9).

Yesterday morning dp grabbed ds 11, lifted him and in doing so banged his head against a piece of furniture. Ds 11 had accidentally hurt ds 5 while playing with him- enough to make ds 5 cry for a few seconds but nothing serious. Ds 11 freaked out- he wasn’t badly hurt at all but had hit his head and teeth. I came into the room because of all the shouting- asked what had happened, checked with the dc and then went to tell dp that he couldn’t behave like that. Dp then started screaming at me, yelled at the top of his voice and then left the room. He came back from work that evening and refused to talk to me.

When I came to bed I said we had to discuss what had happened. He repeated much the same stuff he yelled in the morning: that ds 11 had kicked dc 5, which he had but dp didn’t mention the fact that he only kicked him lightly by accident while playing. Dp said lots about how I should support him and be in his side, that it was my fault for not telling him how what to do with dc 11 (I have explained many techniques, provided literature and we even did 12 weeks of cbt as part of the NHS well-being treatment for ds 11). He listed all my parenting fails and I pointed out none of them involved violence and they were all followed with an apology and an explanation. When I said he couldn’t touch my children dp replied well we live together so that’s not very practical- when it was obvious I meant not touch my children in anger or with violence. I told him I wanted an apology, that he needed to say sorry to ds 11 and I went to sleep on the sofa. Dp did apologise to ds 11, although it was ‘I’m sorry you got hurt’ rather than ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’. I didn’t hear any of the rest of the apology but I expect it was along the lines of ‘you hurt dc 5 and didn’t move when I asked so I had to move you’.

He messaged me during the day today and said ‘I’m sorry’ to which I replied ‘why are you sorry? I would like to know that you understand why your behaviour was so upsetting. You overstepped a clear boundary which you had previously agreed to. The subsequent aggression and minimising doesn’t assure me that you understand that boundary and won’t do the same thing again. I love you and want us to be okay. You made a mistake and you can make it better. Try this:
I apologise for ……..
I did it because …….
I wish I hadn’t done it because …..
In future I will…..
X
I’m not trying to be bossy but to explain clearly what would help me feel better.’
He didn’t reply or even open the message, came home from work and gave me the silent treatment again. What is going on? He lost his temper and acted badly why won’t he apologise? Am I being unreasonable? I’ve been working really hard to make our relationship better but I can’t let this slide. Advice please. I won’t be ltb for a few years as I am doing a vocational degree which will allow me to support myself and the children independently down the line. For me having dp as a stepfather for a few years is better than living in poverty for your whole childhood. Dp acts like he can’t see what he did or why it’s wrong. He doesn’t even seem to know he lost his temper. What do I do? Am in being a bitch or over reacting? How do I protect my kids and get dp see that he cannot shove or grab my kids. I don’t understand how he thinks it could be okay. Is it okay? He’s not perfect but I don’t think he’s an idiot or a monster despite evidence to the contrary. And, I love him.

A lot of this post has been about dp because my question is about dp’s behaviour but my son’s well being is the priority here. Any help in understanding or navigating this situation much appreciated. And sorry this is so long…

@Franklyfrost

Thank you *@Xiaoxiong* *@category12* *@freeatlast2021* for trying to give some answers.

It’s easy to tell those you’ve never met on the internet to ltb. But the bastard is mostly not a bastard who does lots of positive things too.

If he was shoving you, grabbing you and banging your head on the furniture, would you leave?

My children all know it’s not okay for any adult to be violent toward them

And yet they live in a house where an adult who is supposed to care for them regularly pushes one of them around, blows up at their mum, gives her the silent treatment and refuses to apologise. Do you think they’ll be listening to your words or your partners behaviour?

I hope your son mentions this to his school so the safeguarding lead is alerted to the fact his step father is emotionally and physically abusing him and his mother is not protecting him because she is prioritising her degree.

I hope he does too. OP doesn't mention if her exh sees his DC but if he does I hope he tells his dad what goes on at home and he takes his kids out of this situation seeing as their mum won't.

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange

I’m not convinced that moving house, having no money for food, clothes, transport, heating etc plus looking after their pensionless mother in old age etc is better than having an adult move you every few months in a manner that doesn’t hurt but is briefly unpleasant. I have a feeling that a lot of the replies are from those who haven’t ever been broke and alone with four dependents

Took my DC and left my abusive ex with nothing but the clothes on our backs and a few of the kids belongings.

You're shameful for putting a comfortable life before the safety of your DS. And I'm reporting your thread because I think it's a wind up.

Ditto, a shared refuge bedroom, no nappies, milk, toys, spent Xmas and new year well through spring, not even a change of pants, Said man thought he would rough house my < obe year old son into his cot, If doing that isn't natural god given mothers instinct, leaving every single thing behind for the better of your children then I don't know what is!

Ok so ds 11 kicked your ds 5 enough to make them cry your dp reacted by picking up ds11 and moving him as he didn't move out the way in that process he hurt his head, he then shouted at you, so
1 your dp believes that he was right in moving your child out of the way
2 your ds believes its ok to kick his sibling
3 your dp it a hot head and is whats called reactive
Personally he needs counselling and anger management and learning how to deal with your ds better
Second your ds needs to listen to adults long process I know and also you need a few parenting classes if you don't think that man handling kids is wrong unless it was a life threatening situation

My children all know it’s not okay for any adult to be violent toward them and I’ve discussed what happened with the older two kids.

Wrong. They know that their mum says it's not ok for any adult to be violent to them but that it must be ok really because she's still making them live with someone who has been violent with them a number of times.

Imagine living with someone bigger than you who has previously been violent to you who you know actively dislikes you. Imagine the anxiety that causes an 11 year old kid.

Jesus wept.

@whistleryukon

• whistleryukon

For someone who who claims that they are looking for advice and guidance, you sure do have a very patronising manner. Firstly, all of the posters who have told you that your partner is abusive are wrong, they don't understand abuse, they're lying about their professions. Then anyone who uses any language you deem to be 'insulting' is also disregarded. Next, every other answer that you don't like just because nobody here could possibly have ever been poor and also have children. Just go and write your own response to your question in private, perhaps?*

I’m not trying to be patronising. In my eyes my dp shouldn’t touch the children and my dp disagrees. Everyone on this thread agrees that what do is wrong. That is helpful. There is a psychological explanation even for wrong actions. I don’t know how to understand why someone normally reasonable would behave like this.

Your poor DC's.

Abused by their father and living in near constant fear.

With a mother who not only fails to protect them, but who minimises what is happening right in front of her.

I hope that your oldest DC has the courage to make a disclosure about this, perhaps to a teacher, or to a group leader as this is a very worrying safeguarding concern.

They literally have no one in their lives currently willing to protect them. No one.

Your minimising of what is happening is so chilling.

If he was shoving you, grabbing you and banging your head on the furniture, would you leave?

I had a similar question earlier.

If this happened to you OP at the hands of your partner, would you consider it physical assault?

If a stranger did it to you would you consider it physical assault?

If a stranger did it to your son would you consider it physical assault?

Interested to hear your answers.

No amount of money is worth allowing your child to be bullied in his own home. I say that as a single parent. You're playing with fire if you think that your son won't have lasting mental issues and also resentment of you for the rest of his life, if you knowingly let his stepfather continue.

@ category12
If he was shoving you, grabbing you and banging your head on the furniture, would you leave?

That is a really good point, I did say to dp- what if someone did that to him? To show how unacceptable it is. But he doesn’t get it.

@Dddccc

Ok so ds 11 kicked your ds 5 enough to make them cry your dp reacted by picking up ds11 and moving him as he didn't move out the way in that process he hurt his head, he then shouted at you, so 1 your dp believes that he was right in moving your child out of the way 2 your ds believes its ok to kick his sibling 3 your dp it a hot head and is whats called reactive Personally he needs counselling and anger management and learning how to deal with your ds better Second your ds needs to listen to adults long process I know and also you need a few parenting classes if you don't think that man handling kids is wrong unless it was a life threatening situation

your dp it a hot head and is whats called reactive

He's what's called abusive.

The reason he doesn't just say sorry and not touch your son is (a) he finds your son annoying (b) he feels entitled to behave this way.

What your son will learn from this is (a) he is annoying (b) his stepfather thinks it's okay to shove him around even if he gets hurt in the process. The most he will ever get after this is a grudging apology and it will keep happening.

He does it because you allow him to!! Seriously, what sort of mother would allow their child to have to live with someone like this? I don’t usually get involved in threads but you are allowing your son to be abused and all you care about it why your ‘d’p does it. It doesn’t matter why he does it, only that he HAS done it, and will likely do it again, put your children first and get rid of this disgusting man. I feel so sorry for your poor boy.

@Dddccc

2 your ds believes its ok to kick his sibling

He kicked him by accident while playing with him. He doesn’t think it’s okay.

There is a psychological explanation even for wrong actions. I don’t know how to understand why someone normally reasonable would behave like this.

It doesn't matter why.

He isn't unreasonable.

He doesn't care it's wrong.

He doesn't care it upsets you.

He doesn't care it upsets your kids.

It's that simple. He isn't changing because he doesn't want to.

If your kids were being abused sexually would you stay with the perpetrator while you attempted to figure out why they did something you know is wrong? Or would you focus purely on getting them the fuck away from the perpetrator? Do that.

Why does anyone bully anyone? Generally because it feels good to them to dominate someone weaker. It's the law of the jungle/playground, there's nothing deep about it, it's just a negative aspect of your partner's character and shows how little he thinks if your son and how immature, nasty and devoid of empathy he is.

The most persuasive argument is that my children can’t know that it’s wrong to be violent towards others if I allow violence, no matter how slight, in the home. That makes sense.

@Franklyfrost

@ category12 If he was shoving you, grabbing you and banging your head on the furniture, would you leave?

That is a really good point, I did say to dp- what if someone did that to him? To show how unacceptable it is. But he doesn’t get it.

Answer the question yourself.

Would YOU see it as you being physically assaulted?

If it happened to you, at the hands of your partner, just once would you leave him?

How about if it happened multiple times?

Be honest - would you believe that him doing that was a physical assault? It is, but I'm curious as to whether you agree.

He bangs around your child with sen and sometimes your other children.

This is ASSAULT. It's is a crime to assault another person.

Is this tricky for you to understand? Because it really shouldn't be. It's quite simple. Don't assault people. Especially not children.

Your poor kids.

Christ this is depressing.

@Franklyfrost

The most persuasive argument is that my children can’t know that it’s wrong to be violent towards others if I allow violence, no matter how slight, in the home. That makes sense.

The most persuasive argument???

Who are you trying to persuade love?

@Franklyfrost

The most persuasive argument is that my children can’t know that it’s wrong to be violent towards others if I allow violence, no matter how slight, in the home. That makes sense.

THAT'S the most persuasive argument you can think of??

@Franklyfrost

The most persuasive argument is that my children can’t know that it’s wrong to be violent towards others if I allow violence, no matter how slight, in the home. That makes sense.

They also can't trust you saying that you will love and protect them and put them first. They also know you're literally prioritising your relationship with someone who frightens them and hurts them and is scary over them. You're choosing their bully over them.

You say it was a accident but were not in the room you need to leave to protect your kids simple really