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Original poster

I am really annoyed about my MIL plans for zmas

204 replies

Mamaof2222 · 21/11/2021 15:28

So my partner and I have welcomed our baby tis year he is five months old so will be baby's first Christmas. I had à conversation with MIL as she asked what my plans for Christmas are. I kind of said I would spend it at home but was waiting to have a conversation with my hubby to confirm. Fast forward a week I ask my OH what the plan is for Christmas he said he mentioned to his mum my idea of everyone coming to ours but she said it might be "a bit crazy" as our house is small he then went on to say "my mum wants me to spend Christmas there but that would mean I miss baby first Christmas" he was almost testing the waters. I feel fuming as isn't it a no brainer we would want to spend as a family in our home? I just can't shake it and wish I said what I really thought as soon as he said it but I stupidly brushed it off and said "if you want to spend it there then that's fine just tell me because I need to plan"

OP posts:
mogschristmascalamity · 21/11/2021 18:58

Sooner or later he is going to have to just grow up and deal with spending the occasional xmas away from his parents.

It can happen as DH was the same when we got together. I think he as secretly excited to spend his first christmas away - his sisters wept and wailed though until the following year when they fucked off abroad skiing with their new boyfriends Hmm.

We now alternate. We live close to inlaws so we dont go to their house until midday so we have a nice relaxing morning. Myt parents are unfortunately 4 hrs away.

cptartapp · 21/11/2021 19:01

I suspect this is a boyfriend too. Not one I'd have chosen as the father of my DC but at least 'MIL' isn't actually a true MIL at all. She's no relation to you.
He can spend all Xmas day with his family, but baby goes too. Have a day off, he'll soon change his tune.

EdgeOfTheSky · 21/11/2021 19:12

Would you go to MIL’s if you were invited too?

Do you live together?

Go back to square one and talk to your husband. Tell him that it is important to you that you both spend Christmas with your new baby, and what the plans can best be.

Of course his Mum wants her son with her at Christmas, what parent doesn’t….. including your DH!

But it isn’t always possible.

Just discuss!

Lovelymincepies · 21/11/2021 19:15

I literally have no idea why you with this horrible man. He doesn’t respect you, he has no interest in his child.

Leave him, grow some self respect and stay single long enough to be able to stand up for yourself.

RockNRollMartian · 21/11/2021 19:19

It's not too late to tell him how you really feel. It's never too late to be honest! I'd tell him you were stunned by the suggestion that he would even consider not spending Christmas with you and his child. You're not happy to do that, and that's perfectly normal! Most people would be unhappy with that situation!

ChristmasPlanning · 21/11/2021 20:06

@rainbowlou

I actually wouldn’t want him to back track and spend Christmas with me after this, he has made a first family Christmas together very meaningless now. I’d send him off to his mum and plan my day with my baby without him or her. Do you have other people you could spend the day with? Although one of my nicest Christmas days was my first one as a single parent, didn’t have to answer to anyone but myself and my dd.
@rainbowlou nailed it

Tell the man child to spend Christmas Day with his Mum & Dad

Capferret · 21/11/2021 20:21

Congratulations on the birth of your child.
I hope your oldest manchild enjoys Christmas with his other mummy.

BasiliskStare · 21/11/2021 21:07

Just one other perspective - if DM lived very close - I would be happy for most of the day with DH and DS , ( assuming you and DC not invited to DM's ) but I would not mind if he popped over for tea / drink for a while - I would then give DC a nap & watch a film with my feet up. The whole day DH only invited - I think is strange. If all of you invited that's a different decision as to whose house Christmas is spent in.

timeisnotaline · 21/11/2021 21:11

Umm this is a no brainer surely. You go back to your dh and say I just said ok go to your mums for Christmas because i was so shocked. Actually I would be very upset and find it very hard to forgive you if you were happy to waltz off and miss baby’s first Christmas, and I’m really mad at your mum for suggesting it. I would bet the house she didn’t miss your first Christmas. Please tell her you won’t be coming because of course you are spending Christmas with your family, give me a week to calm down from her selfishness and we can talk about options to see them.

CovidMakesThingsHard · 21/11/2021 21:12

Holy shit, I guess you have a lot of other problems in your relationship of her thinks it’s okay to ask and go to his mums for Christmas and leave you and his new child on their own.

MeltedButter · 21/11/2021 21:15

@timeisnotaline

Umm this is a no brainer surely. You go back to your dh and say I just said ok go to your mums for Christmas because i was so shocked. Actually I would be very upset and find it very hard to forgive you if you were happy to waltz off and miss baby’s first Christmas, and I’m really mad at your mum for suggesting it. I would bet the house she didn’t miss your first Christmas. Please tell her you won’t be coming because of course you are spending Christmas with your family, give me a week to calm down from her selfishness and we can talk about options to see them.
Exactly this
mindutopia · 21/11/2021 23:09

It seems really odd that as a couple you’ve never been together for Christmas, yet you’re married with a child. Dh and I lived an 11 hour flight away from each other most of the time we were dating until about 3 months before we got married. But we never missed a Christmas together in all those years, one of us always flew to see the other and/or extended family together.

updownroundandround · 22/11/2021 07:01

@Mamaof2222

I'm actually more concerned about why you felt the need to 'gloss over' how you really felt about him 'testing the waters' ????

Can you not talk openly to your partner ? Hmm

If there's no back story to this ,like abuse etc, then for heavens sake tell him how you really feel !

Previous years were pre LO, so it's going to be no bloody surprise to anyone that your 'usual' Xmas won't be happening again ffs !

Tel your partner what you want, and ask him what he wants, and agree a compromise of the two if there's a wide difference between them.

If he says things like, ''I always spend Xmas with my parents, then you need to reply ''That's what I want for our child !''

It sounds like he doesn't feel much like a parent tbh, but it could be that he just hasn't really considered Xmas much until now.

Time for a new Xmas plan for all of you.

boringcreation · 22/11/2021 08:23

@Mamaof2222

Yes this is the first time he has been away from his mums for Christmas we would usually do Christmas separately with our families before baby arrived and then see eachother in the evening.
So not unusual so and not a big deal. He's not a mind reader, the baby won't know what's going on at Xmas. If you want to stay together this year and break tradition to create your own new one, then you should tell him instead of hoping he guesses what you want
boringcreation · 22/11/2021 08:26

@mindutopia

It seems really odd that as a couple you’ve never been together for Christmas, yet you’re married with a child. Dh and I lived an 11 hour flight away from each other most of the time we were dating until about 3 months before we got married. But we never missed a Christmas together in all those years, one of us always flew to see the other and/or extended family together.
10 years with my DH and we only started spending Xmas together when we had kids. Ive never known anyone to do anything different where I'm from. If you live close to them you might call out after the dinner for a couple of hours but that's it.
MatildaIThink · 22/11/2021 08:27

@Mamaof2222

Yes this is the first time he has been away from his mums for Christmas we would usually do Christmas separately with our families before baby arrived and then see eachother in the evening.
That is very odd at an advanced stage of a relationship (fine when just dating), I suspect there are wider issues in this relationship, possibly a third person in it (his mum) and his idea to leave you and baby alone at Christmas and go and see him mum is just a continuation of the wider dysfunction in the relationship?
tootootaataa · 22/11/2021 09:53

I would just laugh and say 'obviously she is joking, and so are you. You would never seriously consider that.'

And watch them squirm.

KnackeredElf · 22/11/2021 16:01

Definitely a DH problem. But MiL is far from perfect for suggesting this and has probably created your DH's attitude through regular fear, guilt trips etc.

I can't offer much advice other than my utmost sympathy. Flowers

Selfish MiLs are the worst. Mine completely railroaded my experience of becoming a mother. She shared news/pictures of my DD to the wider family before my DH had a chance to tell his own dad (they're divorced) so my FiL's sisters found out before he did. When my DH dared to tell her it wasn't her place to share my DD's photo with every bugger in her phonebook, she told all his family he was cutting her out (utter lies). One of DH's sisters arranged for different family members to call him up to tell him what an asshole he was throughout my DD's first weekend on this earth making him the most miserable I've ever seen him. All this was while I was recovering from a very tough birth which I'm still receiving physio for. But no, it was all about how hurt she was Confused Some women want their sons to stay small forever

Best of luck Star

ItsSunnyOutside · 22/11/2021 16:10

If your dh is seriously considering spending Christmas away from you and dc...WOW.
Mil is way out of line asking him that and he is even more out of line to consider it. Bonkers.
I really hope you have told him exactly how you feel.

BasiliskStare · 23/11/2021 17:17

I do think some mothers like to think the way they did Christmas is how it has always been & the way it always should be. But when the family i larger maybe you can go round for Boxing Day - tea time ( depending how far away - My Mil got very cross one year because I had my parents to stay & DB ) The compromise was DPs and brother came to our house - DH & DC went to his DMs for Boxing day & I spent Boxing day relaxing and watching films with my parents.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 23/11/2021 17:46

I do think some mothers like to think the way they did Christmas is how it has always been & the way it always should be.

That was certainly the case when I was a child/teenager. Christmas was non-negotiable: it was spent with the family, and to even think of doing otherwise was tantamount to a betrayal. OP, is this how your OH was brought up? I'm not trying to defend him over this, but recalling my own upbringing I can imagine that it might be difficult to challenge the rules habits of a lifetime.

layladomino · 23/11/2021 18:57

I'm gobsmacked! He would rather spend Christmas Day with his parents than his wife and new baby?

Am I hearing right?

You have to ask him how he wants to spend Christmas Day. And if he says with his parents then ask him why.

Nipping around for a coffee in the morning would be fine, but spending the day with them as if they are his family and you aren't????

billy1966 · 23/11/2021 22:09

@GodIsAVegan

MIL is a trouble maker and your partner needs to grow up. He’s seriously considering going to mummy’s when he has a child of his own. Seriously unattractive.
This.

Tell him pack a suitcase.

He doesn't want to be with his family's first Christmas.🙄

What a waster you have had a child with.

I hope you are returning to work, I suspect you are going to need the security of it.

BasiliskStare · 24/11/2021 00:37

To say one thing - I consider myself lucky I have always had DCs at home for Christmas. But none is married or a particularly significant other. I know that day will come. & when it does I will be happy for them in that they have found someone in life they want to spend time with. ( er ask me again when it happens because I may be a sobbing wreck & screeching It's not fair - I exaggerate for effect Grin ) But seriously DMIL must have broken away from her parents family traditions at some point

I had a sibling who had v severe mental health problems and disappeared for 10 years. We had Christmas at my house with her and my DPs when she reappeared . DMIL got a bit wound up as one of her children lives a long way away ( think Australia type thing) and she was coming over & she could not understand why we would not go over to DMIL's house - the daughter comes over twice a year & this was the first Christmas my family could spend together in 10 years.

My DMIL was a fantastic grandma - I cannot fault her on that. But she did seem to be a bit of a matriarch - in that - My family we do it my way. I can see that - it was her thing. We managed to find compromises - but there were two or three occasions where I put my foot down & many more where I thought - it really isn't worth the effort.

New Baby first Christmas and not being invited that would be a foot down thing - But maybe as I said have Christmas at home and let DH go over for cake and whatever later on when you can relax a bit.

user1481840227 · 24/11/2021 00:45

This is definitely a partner issue rather than a MIL issue.

Your MIL has just shown you this issue in your relationship that you might not have seen yet!

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