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Original poster

I am really annoyed about my MIL plans for zmas

204 replies

Mamaof2222 · 21/11/2021 15:28

So my partner and I have welcomed our baby tis year he is five months old so will be baby's first Christmas. I had à conversation with MIL as she asked what my plans for Christmas are. I kind of said I would spend it at home but was waiting to have a conversation with my hubby to confirm. Fast forward a week I ask my OH what the plan is for Christmas he said he mentioned to his mum my idea of everyone coming to ours but she said it might be "a bit crazy" as our house is small he then went on to say "my mum wants me to spend Christmas there but that would mean I miss baby first Christmas" he was almost testing the waters. I feel fuming as isn't it a no brainer we would want to spend as a family in our home? I just can't shake it and wish I said what I really thought as soon as he said it but I stupidly brushed it off and said "if you want to spend it there then that's fine just tell me because I need to plan"

OP posts:
itsallgoingpearshaped · 21/11/2021 16:47

@Debsdonein

I would tell him to take his case full of clothes and not come back.
So would I!
OverTheRubicon · 21/11/2021 16:47

It sounds crazy to separate your family. It's also very MN for so many people to talk about 'own little family' always coming first, and think it's totally normal to not be ok for leaving the house for a Christmas meal with a baby who is neither a newborn nor at a tricky crawling age. What is the reason you couldn't go? If your house is tiny and you're already either fairly uninterested in his family (which is fine) or struggling to cope with this baby stage (also fine), then it's probably not ideal to host.

Unless there's a massive drip feed about his awful parents, I think you're doing your DC a disservice by not building loving bonds with family - and one day setting yourself up for a lonely future where your own DCs don't want to see you, because they're all too busy with their 'own little family'.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 21/11/2021 16:49

Jesus, fucking, Christ. This is giving me the rage. Is he insane? Is she?
How do Dumb & Dumber think this is even remotely acceptable? Fuck them both to hell. Honestly.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 21/11/2021 16:50

Why on earth have you never spent a Christmas day together?

You are now a family of 3, I agree with the above poster, tell him you have thought about it and you want the 3 of you to spend Christmas day together, at home.

Of course you could visit relatives on different days, it doesn't all have to be on Christmas day itself. It is incredibly strange that he would think that things haven't changed now you have a baby together.

drawacircleroundit · 21/11/2021 16:52

You need to stand strong now, OP. Tell him he's with you and the baby at Christmas, that he will deal with any disappointed manipulative shenanigans from his mother with contempt, and that if he puts his mother before you again you'll be getting advice from a lawyer about separating.

FatBettyintheCoop · 21/11/2021 16:53

Unfortunately, he appears to still view his parents as his family and you’re just…. what exactly? You need him to stop and think about this more deeply but not during an angry exchange of views.

I agree with an earlier poster that you need to learn to communicate with him better. If you feel blindsided by something, learn to say so or simply reply with, “I’ll need time to think about it before I can respond.”

Emotional knee jerk passive agressive responses are rarely helpful in these sorts of situation. As you’ve always gone to your respective families every Christmas, you need to clarify what your expectations are about creating new traditions and spending Christmas together as your own family unit. It’s not realistic to expect him to read your mind and know what you want if you’ve never discussed doing something different.

Relationships where one party thinks the other should be a mind reader usually fail!

If you don’t want it to be just the three of you this year, then say so and suggest that you can alternative the three of you visiting his parents and yours on different days.

doodleygirl · 21/11/2021 16:54

Not sure why you are annoyed with your MIL? Its your DH that is the moron.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 21/11/2021 16:54

Holy shit, I thought my ex was hard of thinking occasionally but even he'd see this was a bad idea.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/11/2021 16:54

I'd be questioning my whole relationship if my husband would rather spend Christmas with his mum than me and the children.

Your problem is your DH not your MIL

Figgygal · 21/11/2021 16:54

How old is this man baby who wants to spend Xmas with his mum rather than his partner and child?

Topseyt · 21/11/2021 16:54

Has he actually realised that he is now a parent, and that the three of you are a family unit?

Tell him that you were so shocked by the suggestion that he would go to his Mum's without you or his child that you were caught on the hop. Say that you have now had time to think about it and you are actually very hurt.

Tell him that if he goes ahead with this then you will be considering whether or not your relationship has any future.

Howshouldibehave · 21/11/2021 16:55

His parents don’t want to see their grandchild at Xmas but want their son to spend it with them INSTEAD of his own child?!

That is utterly crazy

Irishfarmer · 21/11/2021 16:56

What! That is crazy he wouldn't want to spend babies first Christmas with both of you. Not totally unusual for couples, even married couples, to spend Christmas day apart before children, but after, I'd be fuming, and DH would know it!!

generalh · 21/11/2021 16:56

@Mamaof2222

Yes this is the first time he has been away from his mums for Christmas we would usually do Christmas separately with our families before baby arrived and then see eachother in the evening.
I would be telling him to go to his mum's and stay there; selfish knob.
User310 · 21/11/2021 16:56

Are you sure this wasn’t a joint invitation? I know you said that you told her you would like to spend it at home but that is not a definite plan and she may have just thrown it out there to test the waters on whether you would go to hers. If it’s not this then she is very selfish!

KatherineJaneway · 21/11/2021 16:57

I suggest you buy him some shears for Christmas to cut the apron strings

Sharletonz · 21/11/2021 16:59

He's unreasonable for wanting to. But you also shouldn't allow yourself to be walked over by him and his mum.. You're married. You should tell him what you think, the more direct the better.

EKGEMS · 21/11/2021 17:00

Just when you think you've seen it all on MN and then some batshit thread like this comes along and takes the cake! This is certainly an odd scenario usually the grandparents are beating down the door to get to new grand baby and their adult child and partner! Just the thought of this would turn my Christmas holiday season into Grinchmas if my DH and his family didn't want me or the baby around!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 21/11/2021 17:01

I swear the world gets weirder.

Ourlady · 21/11/2021 17:10

My God he's pathetic. I would tell him to go to his mothers and not come back. What an immature man child!

DBI78 · 21/11/2021 17:11

Where you spend Xmas is upto the two of you. The handy thing about younger children is you can go to someone else's house if you choose but it would be odd to make separate plans. Also I personally would not want people round with a young child.

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2021 17:14

Op how old are you both? And do you actually live together?

This sounds very teenage to me? Is it?

Kite22 · 21/11/2021 17:14

Just to clarify yes she meant just him as I have previously said I would like to spend Christmas at home.

I still am not convinced that follows though. I can imagine the conversation going
"Mamaof2022 had said she thought you might stay at yours for Christmas but there isn't much room at yours, why don't you all come to us" rather than "Mamaof2022 said she wants to stay at yours on Christmas day so why don't you leave her and dc there and just you come to ours on Christmas Day"

However, I do agree with everyone else that this "discussion" needs to be taken up with your partner. It might, or might not be a MiL problem (as you weren't there for the conversation) but whatever she actually said, it is the response of your partner you need to take issue with.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 21/11/2021 17:14

@Mamaof2222

Yes this is the first time he has been away from his mums for Christmas we would usually do Christmas separately with our families before baby arrived and then see eachother in the evening.
Do have you had the conversation about what would happen this Xmas? He might have just assumed that you’d go to your family and he’d go to his. Don’t think you have a MIL issue. Think you’ve just got a husband that hasn’t thought.
Pallisers · 21/11/2021 17:15

What I don't get is why any grown man would prefer to spend xmas day with his mum rather than with his wife - not to mind the baby. there is something deeply unattractive/immature about it.