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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am really annoyed about my MIL plans for zmas

204 replies

Mamaof2222 · 21/11/2021 15:28

So my partner and I have welcomed our baby tis year he is five months old so will be baby's first Christmas. I had à conversation with MIL as she asked what my plans for Christmas are. I kind of said I would spend it at home but was waiting to have a conversation with my hubby to confirm. Fast forward a week I ask my OH what the plan is for Christmas he said he mentioned to his mum my idea of everyone coming to ours but she said it might be "a bit crazy" as our house is small he then went on to say "my mum wants me to spend Christmas there but that would mean I miss baby first Christmas" he was almost testing the waters. I feel fuming as isn't it a no brainer we would want to spend as a family in our home? I just can't shake it and wish I said what I really thought as soon as he said it but I stupidly brushed it off and said "if you want to spend it there then that's fine just tell me because I need to plan"

OP posts:
Lasair · 21/11/2021 16:23

This is the strangest set up. You have a baby but he wants to spend Xmas without you with his mum? What the hell?? I’d be livid with husband

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 21/11/2021 16:26

Well they are a pair of right dicks aren't they. Doesn't matter what happened previous years you have a baby now surely he doesn't need it spelling out to him that he should be spending it with his wife and child

starfishmummy · 21/11/2021 16:26

I'd be telling him not to bother coming back and packing his bag

Nanny0gg · 21/11/2021 16:27

@Mamaof2222

Yes this is the first time he has been away from his mums for Christmas we would usually do Christmas separately with our families before baby arrived and then see eachother in the evening.
How long have you been living together? Is this the first time in your own home?
Fundays12 · 21/11/2021 16:28

I would be furious. Tell him his parents are welcome to come to yours but you, him and your child are a family and his priority must be his partner and child. He can't go to his mum's for a "family" Christmas without you and your child. I actually can't believe he thinks this is ok 😤

GodIsAVegan · 21/11/2021 16:28

What is it with all these blokes who keep their balls in mummy's handbag?

Ikr. And how do women find all these mummy’s boys attractive enough to make babies with. I would think men like this would repel women.

Rosesandblossoms · 21/11/2021 16:28

He hasn’t grown up. And doesn’t recognise you and your DC as his primary family. This is a real issue, and needs to be addressed now.

From the Christmas we moved in together, DH and I spent Christmas together, rotating between our families until we had our second child 6 years later. Now we spend Christmas in our house and people come to us. We weren’t married for the first two of those Christmases.

miltonj · 21/11/2021 16:29

He'd rather spend Christmas with his mum than with his wife and child???? Wtaf.

He needs to get his priorities sorted. This is not the natural order of things.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 21/11/2021 16:29

Is he still creating about crumbs in the butter or has he got over that now?

I think you’re trying your best with a man who’s giving you next to zero support and a MIL who’s adding nothing but her own nonsense into the mix.

You can do better than this. Flowers

diddl · 21/11/2021 16:31

@NightmareSlashDelightful

Is he still creating about crumbs in the butter or has he got over that now?

I think you’re trying your best with a man who’s giving you next to zero support and a MIL who’s adding nothing but her own nonsense into the mix.

You can do better than this. Flowers

Oh there's a backstory is there?

It does seem odd that MIL wouldn't invite the three of them imo.

3luckystars · 21/11/2021 16:31

You can still say it to him now, there isn’t a time limit of 1 minute after he suggests something that you give your final answer. It’s not a quiz show.

Just say I’ve thought about that and we should be together for Christmas, you idiot. Good luck.

ColinTheKoala · 21/11/2021 16:32

@Mamaof2222

Yes this is the first time he has been away from his mums for Christmas we would usually do Christmas separately with our families before baby arrived and then see eachother in the evening.
ok he can go and take baby and you can have a day doing what you want to do

do you have child-free family who would like to see you (I say child-free so you can all let your hair down a bit)

But I agree even if you've see your own families on Christmas Day that changes once you have a baby.

ironorchids · 21/11/2021 16:33

@MrsTerryPratchett

but I stupidly brushed it off and said "if you want to spend it there then that's fine just tell me because I need to plan"

Why do people do this? Just why would you communicate in such a terrible way? You're lying for a start. And encouraging his nonsense.

A much better response would be:

Nice try
Are you kidding?
Wow, that s manipulative
Whose idea was this so I can get properly angry at the right person?
Are you taking the baby or leaving her? Just working out which parent shouldn't see their child at Christmas.

What you shouldn't do is agree!

Agree.

I agree with @RockingMyFiftiesNot

“If my husband had spent Christmas Day at his parents without me any year after we were married, let alone once we had children, his bags would have been packed by the time he came back.”
and @GalaPie
“I'd be telling him that if he left me and the baby's side on our first Xmas he'd better take his toothbrush and leave his keys.”

Your MIL is being selfish but it's not her you married, it's DH who is a soul Turku ridiculous.

If you said something you regret and now want to fix it, the thing to say to him is
"That thing I said, I regret, and now I want to fix it...."
It's a straight forward as that. Then tell him what you really think of him spending Christmas alone and him going to MIL's.

This is your husband and the father of your child, not someone you're on a first date with.

Slashbackblazer · 21/11/2021 16:33

Ach this is awful. What is he anticipating that you do on Christmas day by yourself with your five month old op? Has he no shame?

shiningstar2 · 21/11/2021 16:33

Oh dear op. You need to set this up as your little family enjoying Christmas together from now on straight away.MILis aware that this is the year things potentially change and has jumped in straight away to establish what she wants. I would guess she was hoping for the same as always for her with the addition initially of you and baby. When you said you were staying at home she's made a move to try and protect the (her) status quo. Very selfish of her. Can't think why your dh would agree unless he was just caught by surprise. If you feel he was 'testing the Waters' presumably he had some awareness that this would go down like a lead balloon. If he is of the type who has a managing mother who he tends to go along with you need to establish strong boundaries now. Make it clear that you two and baby are a separate little family and that from now on you both always discuss your plans together before you agree to any plans of mil. Your mil is adjusting to the new family dynamic as well. The sooner you establish yourselves as a team the better it will be for you all. I am an older mumsnetter and I have seen perfectly nice extended families torn apart when people can't accept new family dynamics. Good luck going forward 🌻

kweeble · 21/11/2021 16:34

Speak up now as they’re deluded if they think it’s normal for you to be apart at Christmas.

CloseThePackWithAClickClack · 21/11/2021 16:35

Wtf? Where’s your invite?!

ProfessionalWeirdo · 21/11/2021 16:36

OP, does your MIL live alone? Does she have any other children apart from your DH?

AntiCornLawLeague · 21/11/2021 16:41

@ProfessionalWeirdo

OP, does your MIL live alone? Does she have any other children apart from your DH?
If it was just her then why would it be too crazy if she went to op's small house?
Slashbackblazer · 21/11/2021 16:41

Oh I see you spent Christmas separately before you had the baby op. That makes slightly more sense I suppose. But he's a father now. He can't carry on just as before. I can't understand
how he would be happy for you and your baby to spend Christmas with your parents without him there! Talk about abdication of responsibility! He sounds about 17 years old! You can try explaining it to him op but the fact he needs it explaining in the first place is really bad. Please take this situation as a catalyst to speak up for yourself and your child op and be less compliant.

Has he form for other immature behaviour?

BasiliskStare · 21/11/2021 16:43

I think it absolutely fine when you have a baby to spend a Christmas at PILs if you want to . What I do not think is normal is to expect parents to not spend the day with their young child. So if you are all 3 invited - one thing and one decision. Just DH invited - quite a different decision.

SweeneyToddler · 21/11/2021 16:44

I recognise your username from other posts.

I’d take this as a final nail in the coffin, to be honest. He’s awful to you, and doesn’t seem to want to make any room in his life for a baby.

Are you still a SAHM or have you/can you go back to work?

TurquoiseDragon · 21/11/2021 16:44

Both him and MIL need to realise that things change. Especially now that he has a child. It's time to start doing new things, like staying at home with his primary family.

After all, MIL has had her Christmases her way so far.

Slashbackblazer · 21/11/2021 16:44

@shiningstar2

Oh dear op. You need to set this up as your little family enjoying Christmas together from now on straight away.MILis aware that this is the year things potentially change and has jumped in straight away to establish what she wants. I would guess she was hoping for the same as always for her with the addition initially of you and baby. When you said you were staying at home she's made a move to try and protect the (her) status quo. Very selfish of her. Can't think why your dh would agree unless he was just caught by surprise. If you feel he was 'testing the Waters' presumably he had some awareness that this would go down like a lead balloon. If he is of the type who has a managing mother who he tends to go along with you need to establish strong boundaries now. Make it clear that you two and baby are a separate little family and that from now on you both always discuss your plans together before you agree to any plans of mil. Your mil is adjusting to the new family dynamic as well. The sooner you establish yourselves as a team the better it will be for you all. I am an older mumsnetter and I have seen perfectly nice extended families torn apart when people can't accept new family dynamics. Good luck going forward 🌻
This is fantastic, wise advice!
musicviking1 · 21/11/2021 16:47

Wow. But surely your MIL meant it as an open invitation to all three of you? If not then you DH should have questioned why.