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Original poster

I am really annoyed about my MIL plans for zmas

204 replies

Mamaof2222 · 21/11/2021 15:28

So my partner and I have welcomed our baby tis year he is five months old so will be baby's first Christmas. I had à conversation with MIL as she asked what my plans for Christmas are. I kind of said I would spend it at home but was waiting to have a conversation with my hubby to confirm. Fast forward a week I ask my OH what the plan is for Christmas he said he mentioned to his mum my idea of everyone coming to ours but she said it might be "a bit crazy" as our house is small he then went on to say "my mum wants me to spend Christmas there but that would mean I miss baby first Christmas" he was almost testing the waters. I feel fuming as isn't it a no brainer we would want to spend as a family in our home? I just can't shake it and wish I said what I really thought as soon as he said it but I stupidly brushed it off and said "if you want to spend it there then that's fine just tell me because I need to plan"

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamaof2222 · 21/11/2021 16:05

Yes this is the first time he has been away from his mums for Christmas we would usually do Christmas separately with our families before baby arrived and then see eachother in the evening.

OP posts:
Santastuckincustoms · 21/11/2021 16:07

He wants to sit and scoff a load of food he's not made, be waited on hand and foot and sit and eat chocolate while you make yourself your own dinner, eat without adult company and look after a young baby? Fuck that!

QuinceTamarillo · 21/11/2021 16:08

This is really strange. The only way I can think this might make sense is if all of you are from a culture where Christmas isn't really celebrated and is more of a casual everyone-has-a-day-off-let's-get-together occasion and MIL genuinely thought you wanted to take the day to rest and weren't up to a a big family dinner but she thought your OH might want to take the chance to see that part of the family.

Even then, I'd think (1) she'd ask him to bring the baby (because family will want to see him, and to give you more of a rest) and (2) you should still automatically be included, even if it's "of course Mama's welcome if she changes her mind".

I'd go back to the start with OH - what kind of Christmas do the two of you want? To me, morning at home with just the three of you then over to MILs (all three again, of course) with the advanced warning you'll be going home quite early because of the baby (unless you know he can sleep comfortably over there) might be the most relaxing option.

MargosKaftan · 21/11/2021 16:08

Agree with PP, you need to sit him down and say as this is ds's first Christmas, what would your dh like to do? What plan would he like to do? If its he goes to his mums without spending it with his child, I would ask him to think carefully about why he thinks its important his mum spends the day with her son but not that your son spends the day with his dad.

Is he quite hands on or the sort of man who steps back and leaves parenting to you? Has he mentally made the shift from being the child of the family to his son being the child of the family?

diddl · 21/11/2021 16:09

@Mamaof2222

Yes this is the first time he has been away from his mums for Christmas we would usually do Christmas separately with our families before baby arrived and then see eachother in the evening.
Well maybe it's not that odd that she asked what just you were planning then, but shocking that he didn't say well obviously not seeing her if the invitation was only for him!
Fuuuuuckit · 21/11/2021 16:10

@Sundancerintherain

Is he fucking joking ? !
My thoughts exactly
ProfessionalTeaDrinker · 21/11/2021 16:11

@Mamaof2222 so the suggestion makes slightly more sense. He's assumed the status quo will remain. Have you never talked about what would happen once you had children? And when he mentioned it that would have been the time to say 'oh. Well, actually, I assumed we would all be together now we are a family' and take it from there. Not pretend you are fine. You need to have a proper conversation

WallaceinAnderland · 21/11/2021 16:11

@Mamaof2222

Yes this is the first time he has been away from his mums for Christmas we would usually do Christmas separately with our families before baby arrived and then see eachother in the evening.
So he's just doing what he's always done. You need to have a chat with him and say that now you have your own child, things need to change. You need to spend Christmas together with your child. He's a father now, he needs to grow up.
Hoppinggreen · 21/11/2021 16:12

@thenewduchessofhastings

So your MIL is trying to ruin what should be yours,your DH's and baby's first Xmas as a family?
I would be blaming the husband for even entertaining the thought
Frannibananni · 21/11/2021 16:12

What is he thinking? I think you need to have a conversation about what it means to be a parent.
Does he have a lot of siblings he wants to see? That magically only appear at Christmas?

Nelia5 · 21/11/2021 16:12

So are you saying you will be alone or will you do to your parents ?

GalaPie · 21/11/2021 16:12

I think he has missed the chapter of the Dad and Partner Guidebook that says significant occasions to be spent with your significant other and offspring.
I'd be telling him that if he left me and the baby's side on our first Xmas he'd better take his toothbrush and leave his keys.

diddl · 21/11/2021 16:13

"He's assumed the status quo will remain."

But then following that through-doesn't he want to spend the day with his baby?

LublinToDublin · 21/11/2021 16:15

@Mamaof2222

Yes this is the first time he has been away from his mums for Christmas we would usually do Christmas separately with our families before baby arrived and then see eachother in the evening.
Well that explains a great deal about how this arose.

But your DH is still the weird one who seems ready to consider spending Christmas away from his dw and dc.

But your communication with DH is odd too as you hadn't discussed plans between you first and then totally avoiding any discussion when he told you this.

Mil is not the issue

AmyDudley · 21/11/2021 16:15

Do you have family to go to ? Essentially he is saying he is happy for you to spend Christmas alone, (I know you have the baby and that's lovely of course, but baby won;t be joining in Xmas dinner, pulling a cracker and having a laugh)/ If you have family I would make arrangements to spend your Christmas with them if that is feasible, and enjoy yourself with people who are prepared to give you a bit of a hand with baby and will enjoy having the little one there.
And then i would consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't prioritise his partner and child. You made a mistake brushing it off, but I can see how that would happen when you are totally gobsmacked at what someone has said. Ask what he really wants to do, and if he is really happy missing his child's first Christmas to spend it with his Mum?
I've got a married son, and I wouldn't dream of suggesting he spends Xmas with me and not his wife, they make their plans for them as a family and I'm fine with whatever they choose to do (which is usually spend it just the two of them) why would anyone think it was Ok to separate a couple over the holiday

HollowTalk · 21/11/2021 16:16

The words, "FFS grow up" would have been said in my house.

caringcarer · 21/11/2021 16:16

I'd book into a very expensive hotel from Xmas Eve with baby and be waited on hand and foot. Go home Boxing Day. Just tell h you have made plans for baby and you as he will be at his Mum's.

ProfessionalTeaDrinker · 21/11/2021 16:16

I'm assuming he's thinking the baby won't know what day it is and won't care? Or he's more concerned about having dinner with Mummy? No idea! I think they need a proper conversation!

NoMoreTractors · 21/11/2021 16:18

Has he realised he's not a child anymore, I'm sure his mummy will be fine without him. Surely once you have children your immediate family is your partner and child and you come as a package on special occasions? Is he this pathetic normally?

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 21/11/2021 16:20

That he would even suggest it to you WTAF? I would be looking for a replacement for my Xmas present, Him and his mother sound vile. Do yourself a favour and dump them both,Repsect you and your feeling as there i bugger all respect coming from them.

GodIsAVegan · 21/11/2021 16:20

MIL is a trouble maker and your partner needs to grow up. He’s seriously considering going to mummy’s when he has a child of his own. Seriously unattractive.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/11/2021 16:20

Do she have form for this sort of thing?

If so then you missed an opportunity by waiting a week to discuss it, she was bound to use that time to try and get her own way.

I'd be planning a trip to family from Christmas Eve unless he realises his mistake very quickly. Go and find some people who would love to see you and the baby on Christmas morning.

diddl · 21/11/2021 16:22

@ProfessionalTeaDrinker

I'm assuming he's thinking the baby won't know what day it is and won't care? Or he's more concerned about having dinner with Mummy? No idea! I think they need a proper conversation!
Well it could be.

Some people probably won't have discussed Christmas yet, although I would have thought if you are married & have a baby, the one thing that is known is that you'll be together!

But obviously not in this case!

HelloDulling · 21/11/2021 16:22

How long have you been together/married? It’s odd to me that you haven’t had Christmas together before, but if that’s what usually happens it’s not that surprising that she thinks it might continue.

SkintHippy · 21/11/2021 16:23

What is it with all these blokes who keep their balls in mummy's handbag? Angry